Paradise Lost

PARADISE LOST

Have you ever noticed how so many of us end up trying to change the ones we love? They were just fine in the beginning, but then we started to notice that who they were didn’t line up with our expectation of who we thought they were? Or those red flags that we told ourselves were minor are suddenly blazing across the sky like Haley’s Comet?

This is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who this person was before you fell in love with them.
You skipped over the understanding of what this person was actually offering you, blinded by a cocktail of charm and oxytocin. You dived in so quickly, ripping your clothes off faster than your inner child at an Easter egg hunt. In fact, ahem, you shoved it in your mouth so fast you didn’t even check what was inside that shiny wrapper!
It takes time to peel back that pretty packaging, and if you didn’t wait long enough to see what was really inside, you might have ended up with a flavour not to your liking. You leaped before you looked, and when this happens, love can turn into attachment to an idea, rather than reality.
Like when Harry Potter’s Every Flavoured Beans ended up tasting like ear wax or toad warts instead of cream pie? We’ve all been there.

Prince charming hooted at the gate, or asked you to split the bill, or did another kind of split after breakfast in bed. And while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you’re wondering how the eggs got scrambled.

The thing is, when you don’t really know who someone is, you start filling in the blanks with hope, potential, or who your starry eyes wish them to be. You imbue them with every magical quality your heart ever imagined, and then feel let down when your unsuspecting lover didn’t get the memo!

You’re already building a future with a version of somebody who doesn’t actually exist, and wondering why they aren’t on the same page.
Or worse, they already showed a little of who they are and you turned a blind eye. Sure it was a disarming, white washed version of themselves, and you decided you could change them with a few subtle tweaks. If you just loved them enough, or guided them enough, or inspired them enough with your pretty picture of the future. The one you already painted and framed over the mantelpiece.

Yes, as women we are programmed to nurture, but it is not your role to mother a grown-ass man. And if you cast yourself into the parental role, he will respond as the child. He will rebel or become argumentative, and you will be stuck holding the stick or the carrot. Suddenly finding yourself counting his drinks or nagging him to eat dinner. Reminding him to brush his teeth or to take out the trash. Offering rewards for good behaviour or accepting bribes for bad. And this is not conscious love, this is you carrying the full weight of responsibility for both of you.
This is you burning out while he turns loving him into a f*cking chore.

And yet, you chose this, perhaps not consciously, but by default when you dived into the deep end to catch somebody you barely knew. You chose a man who was unworthy, was unwilling to rise, and fell head over heels before you realised.

Maybe he wasn’t ready, or hadn’t figured it out yet. Or maybe you get validation from uplifting others. But before you try to heal a love match, make sure they are ready to live without the poison. Because a partner is not supposed to be a project, and you are not supposed to be a rehabilitation centre for f*ckwits or f*ckboys.

Because let’s face it, if he wanted to change, he would have done so already.
You could spend years investing in something that was broken from the very beginning, or you could take some time to find somebody willing to grow with you. To co-create with you. To build a future with you.

So this is me calling myself out on my own bullshit, and calling you out on yours too.
The choice is yours, so choose wisely.

I am a life coach & wellness coach. You ban book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255