When a man no longer wants a woman, he gets meaner. He manufactures conflict. When a woman no longer wants a man, she gets calmer, more reserved. She removes herself emotionally out of self protection.
He sabotages the relationship to make it end. Creates problems out of projection. She eventually withdraws and takes back her peace.
This is not all men, but a lot of men get busy outside of the relationship, drinking, gaming, women. Her calm is subtle but final. She stops talking, stops fixing and creates an exit plan.
He is out looking for greener pastures, a woman who won’t hold him accountable, who is more tolerant and does not speak up for herself. Someone who doesn’t know him well enough yet to see the demons you tried to fight with him. (Sometimes it’s her) She realises the future she wanted with him isn’t there, that she was trying to love that man into a place he was never headed towards. A future together. So she she takes her energy back. Calls her girlfriends, talks it out, gets colder.
It happens in stages, not overnight. Stage 1, she is fighting for the relationship. The long texts, the angry responses to his mistreatment. Trying to make him see his destructive actions. Stage 2, she becomes exhausted. Walking on egg shells and living in survival mode. Stage 3 looks like weighing up whether it’s worth it or not. And if the scales are tipping, she’ll eventually arrive at stage 4. She mentally checks out, until she finally walks out, for good.
He mistakes her silence and withdrawal for victory, or compliance. For peace. And wonders why the breakup came ‘out of nowhere’
Do you recognise this pattern?
I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, a registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Have you ever felt embarassed when someone treated you badly, as if there was something wrong with you? Kept quiet when a lover cheated or abused you, as if this was a reflection of yourself worth?
When we outsource our self worth to others, even those who barely know us, we fall into the trap of believing that their opinion of us is what defines us. That their treatment of us is a reflection of who we are. It isn’t… It’s a reflection of who they are.
You feel like the idiot for trusting them. When in fact you are not responsible for their actions.
You will doubt yourself, taking to heart the opinion of somebody who actually doesn’t know you very well. Ignoring the fact that it serves them to belittle you, and that is not a reflection of your worth.
Perhaps your relationship is going nowhere, you are being treated as a place holder until your upgrade comes along. And somehow this makes you believe that you don’t deserve better. That you can turn bread crumbs into a meal. Forgetting that you are already a 3 course gourmet feast.
And then the self discovery starts. You begin to ask the right questions and discover you aren’t too much. You aren’t too sensitive or too needy. You are exactly who you know you are.
And when this shift happens, you take your power back. I’m not talking about the girly pep talk in the bar, or that nice chick in the bathroom who shared her eyeliner and told you you were pretty…I’m talking about the moment you start believing it. No more doubt, pure embodiment of your true nature. Pure self acceptance. Pure self love. Warts and all. Not perfect, but aware of your worth.
That’s when you stop taking shit. That’s when you no longer give AF.
As long as you believe the idea that others have of you. ..as long as you take those heated words to heart…you are outsourcing your self image to others. Others who do not have the best intentions for you. People who want you to fall in to their plan for you, regardless of whether this actually benefits you.
So next time somebody lies to you, cheats you, insults you or sabotages you…take note and act accordingly. No need to return the favour. That is still giving them your energy. Simply withdraw it.
Maintain your integrity. Protect your self esteem, not theirs. Step back and find your tribe. There are people who will value you above what you have to offer them. Walk away from those who are not good for your peace. Walk away from those who make you doubt yourself. It hurts when you realise that some people only loved the useful and convenient version of you. People who disappear the moment you ask for something real, or turn on you when the going gets tough.
Believe me, I’ve let random men on Facebook get under my skin with their personal comments, as if they themselves look like Brad Pitt. But why? These are strangers letting their issues play out on my newsfeed. Mostly men who should know better and be embarassed by their own behaviour.
I’ve been there, watching someone undermine me and damage my career and reputation due to female competition. It was one of the most traumatic phases I have lived. But here’s the thing…who is going to believe them? Only the ones who were never in your corner to begin with. Only the ones who don’t care enough to ask questions. It’s no loss. It’s actually the trash taking itself out.
Surround yourself with people who admire and believe in you. Even when you don’t believe it yourself. Aspire to get there and they will cheer you along.
Remember, if somebody is pulling you down, it is because they are already beneath you. What they do to you is not who you are. What they say about you does not define you. Only you can do that.
Centre yourself so that the actions and words of others don’t shake your core. Take a few deep breaths and let it go. Create some distance to gain perspective. Because only you get to decide who you are. Who has access to you. Who you give power to. And this kind of unshakeable peace is the ultimate freedom.
I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
The Goddess Was Never Pure. Somewhere along the way, a woman’s worth became entangled with the idea of purity. Untouched. Unclaimed. Unmarked. But if we look back—before modern shame, before rigid moral codes, before the policing of women’s bodies—we find something radically different. We find goddesses, and they were never pure. They were sensual, desiring, expressive, embodied. They loved deeply, often, and freely. Their sexuality was not a stain on their divinity—it was an extension of it. It was creative force. It was life itself. The ancient feminine was not revered for restraint. She was revered for power. She was the lover and the creator. The seductress and the destroyer. The one who felt everything and withheld nothing. She was whole.
The Invention of “Purity” Purity, as we understand it today, is not an ancient truth. It is a social construct—one that emerged as systems of control over women’s bodies became more rigid. A woman’s sexuality became something to regulate. To contain. To measure. Her value became tied to what she had not done, rather than who she was. Virginity became currency. Modesty became morality. Desire became danger. And slowly, the narrative shifted: From “She is divine because she embodies life” To “She is worthy only if she remains untouched.”
The Modern Contradiction. Today, women live inside a paradox. Their bodies are everywhere—advertised, stylized, filtered, sold. Sexuality is used to market everything from perfume to protein shakes. Entire industries are built on the consumption of the female form. And yet- The same woman who is desired can be diminished. The woman who expresses her sexuality openly can be judged. The woman who profits from her body can be dehumanized. She is told: Be desirable, but not experienced. Be sexy, but not sexual. Be wanted, but not wanting. And if she crosses that invisible line—if she owns her desire instead of performing it—her worth is questioned.
The Goddess in the “Impure” What if we rejected this entirely? What if we remembered that a woman does not lose her divinity through experience? That her body is not something that can be “used up”? That desire does not diminish her—it animates her? A woman who has loved many times is not less sacred. A woman who has explored her sexuality is not less worthy. A woman working within the sex trade is not less human, less deserving of dignity, less divine. She is still a body that feels. A heart that knows. A soul that exists beyond the projections placed upon her.
Reclaiming the Sacred Body To see yourself as a goddess is not about perfection, it’s about modern feminism. It is not about purity. It is about sovereignty. It is about returning to the truth that your body is yours—not a moral scoreboard, not a commodity for judgment, not a thing to be ranked or reduced. Your body is an instrument of experience. A vessel of sensation. A living expression of life force. And life force does not ask for permission to be worthy.
Before shame was taught, pleasure was natural. Before bodies were controlled, they were celebrated. Before purity was demanded, women were simply… powerful. This is not about rejecting sexuality. It is about reclaiming it from systems that distort it. It is about seeing yourself—not through the lens of judgment—but through the ancient remembering: That the goddess was never untouched. She was alive. And that aliveness is your birthright.
I am a life coach, relationship coach and registered traditional doctor. You can send me a WhatsApp to book a session with me. 083 263 5569
Most relationships go through difficult patches, uninspired patches, emotional lows. The 777 rule is a relationship framework designed to keep marriages or long-term partnerships strong by prioritizing intentional quality time.
So if you’re feeling unexcited, uninspired or disconnected from your partner, why not try the 777 rule? The first step is to have a discussion about it to avoid disappointment and make sure you’re on the same page. Be honest about your feelings and needs, the room mate phase can be brutal if one of you is feeling rejected or unappreciated.
It consists of three habits: Every 7 days have a date night Every 7 weeks take a night away Every 7 months plan a romantic getaway. This structure helps couples reconnect, break routines, and maintain intimacy.
Core Components of the 777 Rule: Every 7 Days (Date Night): Regular, uninterrupted time together. It does not need to be expensive or out of the house; it can be a “table time” chat, a movie night, or a meal without distractions.
Every 7 Weeks (Overnight Trip): A mini-getaway such as a night in a local hotel or a weekend camping trip, to step away from daily responsibilities.
Every 7 Months (Vacation): A more extended trip to focus entirely on each other, providing a deeper chance for connection, adventure, or relaxation.
The 777 rule tackles the lack of time that can cause relationships to fade by making togetherness a consistent, scheduled priority. It also gives the male partner the opportunity to take the lead in building intimacy in the relationship, something the woman usually craves and reaches for.
It is designed to be flexible, focusing on the intention of connecting, rather than strict, expensive, or complex plans. Quality time which can encourage a deeper connection emotionally and physically.
Above all else, keep the lines of communication open. Make sure you are both on board, it can be very disappointing if your partner fails to follow through on date night. Perhaps discuss taking turns to ‘treat’ one another. A lack of quality time is one of the easiest things to repair if both of you are willing, and it will bring great rewards to your relationship.
I am a holistic Life Coach, traditional Doctor and Relationship Coach. Get in touch with me to book a session on my WhatsApp line. +27 83 263 5569
“Your most inspired life is crafted element by element”
There has been a shift in mindset, when it comes to how a man should show up in a marriage or partnership. The old view was to work hard to provide money. But with women also working, the dynamic in a dual income home has shifted towards the quality of your interactions. The new view center’s around working hard to provide financially, but also to provide emotional safety and offer personal time and energy at home.
A working man can show effort for his wife by focusing on proactive partnership, consistent communication, and intentional presence, rather than relying solely on financial provision. True effort involves alleviating her mental and physical load through shared household responsibilities, consistent emotional support, and small, daily acts of kindness that show she is a priority. Many women are living in survival mode, and their nervous system requires a soft place to emotionally relax.
Proactive Shared Responsibility. Instead of “helping” as if the home is her responsibility, take ownership of chores. -Anticipate Needs: Tackle tasks without being asked, such as washing dishes, doing laundry, or taking out the trash, especially if you notice she is overwhelmed. -Manage the “Mental Load”: Take initiative on tasks like scheduling appointments, planning family events, or managing finances. -Cook or Handle Meals: Actively take over cooking or meal preparation to give her a break, and clean up after. -Daily Maintenance: Clean up after yourself immediately to prevent the buildup of clutter.
Emotional Presence and Support -Show that you are her teammate in life, not just a visitor in the home. -Active Listening: Listen attentively without offering immediate solutions. Truly hear her worries and frustrations to help her feel heard and valued. If she has a meltdown try to be curious rather than defensive.
-Decision making: Do not dominate your wife with your opinions, rather leave room for collaboration and hear her out. She has opinions and ideas too that need compromise. -Appreciation & Gratitude: Express appreciation daily for her efforts in the home, in her career, or as a mother. A simple “thank you” or “you are amazing” has profound effects. -Quality Connection: Create a screen-free “reunion” when you return home to reconnect properly. TV and phones block interpersonal communication. -Support Her Goals: Encourage her passions, hobbies, and career goals, making her personal growth a priority in your shared life. Do not talk down to her or criticise her goals and performance. -Respect her in public and private: Be mindful of showing respect and appreciation, especially in front of friends or family, which protects her dignity.
Small, Consistent Gestures of Affection. -Small acts of care are more effective than sporadic grand gestures. -Thoughtful Notes/Texts: Send messages during the day just to say you are thinking of her. -Daily Touch: A warm hug, holding hands, or a passionate kiss upon returning home can diminish stress and increase your connection . Make sure you understand what her needs are in the bedroom, and then follow through. -Unprompted Kindness: Bring home her favorite treat, flowers, or a small gift “just because”. Introduce activities that strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together to make sexual intimacy pleasurable. Such as a slow dance in the kitchen or sharing a bath.
Active Fatherhood -If you have children, being an active father is one of the highest forms of effort for your wife. -Share Childcare: Be proactive in feeding, bathing, and playing with children, allowing her to have time to rest. -Teach and Play: Engage with the children rather than leaving the responsibility of parenting entirely to her
Scheduling Intentional Time -As a working man, you must fight to create space for your relationship. Romance should not stop when you live together. You could try the 777 rule, it’s a relationship-strengthening framework designed to ensure consistent, intentional time together. It suggests a date night every 7 days, a romantic overnight getaway every 7 weeks, and a longer vacation every 7 months. This structure fosters intimacy and prevents routine and stress from eroding the bond.
Self-Care -Prioritize well-being: Maintain your own physical and mental health to be fully present and supportive in your relationship. A healthy partner makes for a better partner. Pay attention to your grooming, go to the gym and keep on top of your dentist and doctor appointments.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
For a working woman, the effort she makes for her husband in a modern marriage has shifted away from chores and servitude, to center more on partnership, empathy, and maintaining a nurturing connection. Rather than outdated notions of servitude, a dual-career household requires the focus to be on proactive communication, emotional support, and quality time over sheer physical labor. Here are the types of effort that strengthen a marriage when both spouses work:
Nurturing the Emotional Connection -Active Listening & Empathy: Create a safe space for him to discuss his day without fear of judgment. Listen to understand his stresses rather than to immediately respond. But put a limit on it to not poison the whole evening with a kind gesture or distraction. -Show Appreciation and Validation: Regularly thank him and acknowledge his efforts to provide and care for the family, which boosts his confidence. -Be a Team Player: Approach life’s challenges together, ensuring you are aligned on goals and values, viewing a “win” for one as a win for the team.
Proactive Communication and Support -Express Needs Clearly: Communicate your needs and desires directly instead of expecting him to guess, reducing misunderstandings. -Support His Goals: Champion his dreams and aspirations, offering encouragement when he feels demotivated. -Respect Him in Public: Be mindful of showing respect and appreciation, especially in front of friends or family, which protects his dignity.
Fostering Intimacy and Togetherness. -Prioritize Quality Time: Dedicate time, such as a weekly date night, to connect and have fun together, keeping the romance alive. -Maintain Physical Intimacy: Understand and address the importance of intimacy in the relationship. This does not refer only to sexual intimacy, but to activities that strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together to make this possible. -Small Gestures of Love: Leave notes, surprise him with a favorite meal, or offer acts of service that show you are thinking of him.
Efficient Household Partnership. -Shared Responsibilities: Work together to assign clear tasks for cooking, cleaning, and managing finances, rather than trying to do everything alone. -Flexibility During Tough Times: Offer grace and support, particularly when the other is having a difficult week. -Set Boundaries for Work: Agree on rules like “no business talk at dinner” to ensure your home remains a place of rest rather than an extension of the office.
Self-Care. -Prioritize well-being: Work can be hectic, but make time to maintain your own physical and mental health. This will help you to be fully present and supportive, while feeling good within yourself. A healthy partner makes for a better partner, so make time for exercise and self-care.
Ultimately, the best effort is one that fosters love, respect, and a “team-first” mentality, rather than merely balancing chores. The first step is simply to be kind to one another.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
THE CRACKED MIRROR In my business I get to meet so many amazing women. Beautiful women. Vivacious women. Accomplished women. Compassionate women.
And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them. I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.
Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others. We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.
I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.
What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.
If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make? How would you make love if you felt beautiful? What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?
The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.
So just for today, start a journal. Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.
Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful” Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s change our mindsets. We are enough.
And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy. Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Death is a fact if life, and the death of a loved one is something we will all face many times in our lifetime. The only way to recover from loss effectively is to feel the feels, and these come in waves. There are some practical things you can do to cope with grief. *Remember to take care of yourself, and to allow your emotions to be expressed. *Seek support from a coach or therapist. *Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and good food . *Reach out to loved ones or try journaling.
It’s ok to feel down, but make time for activities you enjoy. You’ll have to be patient with the process and recognise that grief is a personal journey.
There are a few phases to grief, so when you recognise them, know this is part of your healing journey, and you will get through them if you allow yourself to feel. You might experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression in you way towards acceptance.
Prioritize your physical health, taking care to have regular, healthy meals and get enough sleep. It’s natural to take some down time, but try to get back into your regular exercise routine as soon as you can. Even if you don’t feel like it, it will support your physical and mental health. Structure can provide a sense of stability so try to maintain routines for activities like eating meals, even if it’s difficult.
Don’t hesitate to see your doctor for check-ups or discuss any new health concerns. Depression is a natural part of the grieving process, and can be even worse if your relationship was complicated. There are natural and pharmaceutical remedies available to you to help you during this time.
Allow yourself to feel, understanding that grief is a unique and personal process, and it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions. Find healthy ways to express your feelings, such as talking to friends, family, or a counselor. Some people find it helpful to express themselves through physical activity or creative outlets like writing or painting.
Schedule time to focus on your grief, even if it’s just 20-30 minutes a day. Use this time to sit quietly, write a letter to the person, or look at photos. It is healthy to experience positive emotions like joy when remembering happy memories. Allowing yourself to smile or laugh is also a protective response.
Lean on friends and family for support and company. Let them know when you want to talk about your loved one and accept their offers of help.
If you are religious or spiritual, spending time with others in your faith community can provide comfort. Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be therapeutic and help you feel less alone.
Remember and honor your loved one. Find ways to commemorate them, such as creating a memory book, taking that trip you planned together, or engaging in an activity they loved.
Be patient with yourself, accepting that healing takes time. There is no “normal” timetable for grieving, and it’s important to be patient with yourself throughout the process.
Recognize the difference between grief and depression. If you are concerned about your mental health, it’s important to talk to a professional.
Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a persistent mood disorder. You will notice that grief often comes in waves of intense sadness mixed with positive memories, whereas depression involves a constant, pervasive sadness. In grief, your self-esteem is usually preserved, but in depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
Life can be hard, especially when you are dealing with a loss of any kind. This might be a death, a child moving away or a break up. Be kind to yourself and feel all your feels, this is how the healing happens.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted-element by element.”
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Let’s talk about being single… Recently a man responded to one of my posts , saying ‘no wonder you are single’, meant as an insult and a judgement. But sometimes your relationship is just cortisol wrapped in cologne, honey.
Here are my thoughts:
There is this idea that a woman only has value of she has been chosen by a man. That a single woman is somehow defective. That the only way a woman can command respect or stature in society is by being somebody’s wife. That a woman needs the back-up of a man in order to be heard, or be successful. But these are outdated patriarchal ideas that have become part of the fabric of our collective unconscious. And they are not correct.
I do believe that we are wired to want connection. That human beings love the idea of being chosen. That we crave intimacy and physical touch, perhaps a over all else. We are social beings and biologically driven to search for sex. But sex is not intimacy. And when we start to discern this, we can re-imagine this biological blueprint.
In this era, in this country a woman can earn her own money, drive her own car, and buy her own home. So why are we still clinging to the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love a romantic relationship as much as the next person, but the truth is that many of us are clinging to liaisons way beyond their sell by date. Habit? Convenience? Perhaps. But also because we have come to believe that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single.
However, if you have ever been single for a period of time, you might have discovered that being single is a powerful and self-affirming choice. Being single is a state of unapologetic independence. It’s the choice of self reliance, of friendship over romantic love. And let’s face it, romantic love isn’t always so romantic. Being single is choosing peace over conflict. Choosing happiness over mediocrity or hurt. It’s being happy with your own company, comfortable in your own space. To travel solo and meet new people outside of your comfort zone. Being single is choosing freedom, embracing our wildness and being open to new possibilities. Being single is a conscious choice to wait for the right time or right person. To not settle, or stay stuck.
Most importantly, being single is choosing yourself, and this is not selfish. Calling back your energy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. By doing this you are investing in yourself. Making time for your own projects and passions instead of investing in somebody else’s.
Some of the most productive times in my life have been when I was single. Even when I chose to sit with my unhappiness… writing, journeying, contemplating. Choosing to sit with my trauma until I understood it and could set it free, without the band aid of throwing myself into another relationship..Trying to fix or help a partner rather than myself. This is where personal growth begins. This is the most important journey of your life time, the journey into self.
I am not single but I am very happy when I am. This image is of me being single at Feel Festival in 2019, feeling ALL of the feels. ❤️
If you struggle with being single, or are needing to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, let’s talk. Book a life coaching session with me online or in perso .
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
