Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: relationships

  • The Emotional Saboteur

    Image by Ken Lovell,

    Model Mermaid Storm

    THE EMOTIONAL SABOTEUR

    Have you ever felt embarassed when someone treated you badly, as if there was something wrong with you?
    Kept quiet when a lover cheated or abused you, as if this was a reflection of yourself worth?

    When we outsource our self worth to others, even those who barely know us, we fall into the trap of believing that their opinion of us is what defines us. That their treatment of us is a reflection of who we are.
    It isn’t… It’s a reflection of who they are.

    You feel like the idiot for trusting them. When in fact you are not responsible for their actions.

    You will doubt yourself, taking to heart the opinion of somebody who actually doesn’t know you very well. Ignoring the fact that it serves them to belittle you, and that is not a reflection of your worth.

    Perhaps your relationship is going nowhere, you are being treated as a place holder until your upgrade comes along. And somehow this makes you believe that you don’t deserve better. That you can turn bread crumbs into a meal. Forgetting that you are already a 3 course gourmet feast.

    And then the self discovery starts. You begin to ask the right questions and discover you aren’t too much. You aren’t too sensitive or too needy. You are exactly who you know you are.

    And when this shift happens, you take your power back. I’m not talking about the girly pep talk in the bar, or that nice chick in the bathroom who shared her eyeliner and told you you were pretty…I’m talking about the moment you start believing it. No more doubt, pure embodiment of your true nature. Pure self acceptance. Pure self love. Warts and all. Not perfect, but aware of your worth.

    That’s when you stop taking shit. That’s when you no longer give AF.

    As long as you believe the idea that others have of you. ..as long as you take those heated words to heart…you are outsourcing your self image to others. Others who do not have the best intentions for you. People who want you to fall in to their plan for you, regardless of whether this actually benefits you.

    So next time somebody lies to you, cheats you, insults you or sabotages you…take note and act accordingly.
    No need to return the favour. That is still giving them your energy.
    Simply withdraw it.


    Maintain your integrity.
    Protect your self esteem, not theirs.
    Step back and find your tribe. There are people who will value you above what you have to offer them.
    Walk away from those who are not good for your peace. Walk away from those who make you doubt yourself.
    It hurts when you realise that some people only loved the useful and convenient version of you. People who disappear the moment you ask for something real, or turn on you when the going gets tough.

    Believe me, I’ve let random men on Facebook get under my skin with their personal comments, as if they themselves look like Brad Pitt.
    But why? These are strangers letting their issues play out on my newsfeed. Mostly men who should know better and be embarassed by their own behaviour.

    I’ve been there, watching someone undermine me and damage my career and reputation due to female competition. It was one of the most traumatic phases I have lived.
    But here’s the thing…who is going to believe them? Only the ones who were never in your corner to begin with. Only the ones who don’t care enough to ask questions. It’s no loss. It’s actually the trash taking itself out.

    Surround yourself with people who admire and believe in you. Even when you don’t believe it yourself. Aspire to get there and they will cheer you along.

    Remember, if somebody is pulling you down, it is because they are already beneath you. What they do to you is not who you are. What they say about you does not define you.
    Only you can do that.

    Centre yourself so that the actions and words of others don’t shake your core. Take a few deep breaths and let it go. Create some distance to gain perspective.
    Because only you get to decide who you are.
    Who has access to you.
    Who you give power to.
    And this kind of unshakeable peace is the ultimate freedom.

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • #Me Too

    #ME TOO

    There is a lot of media attention on Sexual Assault lately and I would like to add my voice to this.

    Me Too.

    I was in a hotel room alone in Zimbabwe, on a charter flight for the airline I was working for.
    I had just gotten out of the bath after a long day on my feet and was swathed in a fluffy hotel gown.
    I sat on the bed, made a cup of tea and decided to call home, as I was missing my husband.

    I struggled to make the international call, so I called the reception and they said they would send someone up to assist with the dial out and international codes.

    I can almost hear every woman reading this holding their breath, anticipating the worst.
    I opened the door and a Zimbabwean male was standing there. I greeted him in a friendly manner and he grabbed me. He smiled at me, kissed me and got his hands under my gown.

    I pulled away in shock and asked him to fix my dialling issue and leave.
    So he backed off, fixed the dialling issue and left. The atmosphere was thick with tension and I can almost feel every woman reading this exhale. Situation handled.

    A number of things happened here which I would like to reflect on.

    My first thought was that I was ‘lucky’
    He stopped when I pulled away. I didn’t get 🍇. What a travesty that women are taught to consider themselves lucky for not being 🍇

    He respected my NO, even though he crossed a boundary to begin with and disrespected my politeness. He was possibly confused by my attire. I found myself making excuses for HIS behaviour. For the fantasy that was playing out in his head. For the porn he was probably watching.

    Further along this thought process was, ‘I should have changed out of the gown.’ Really? Aside from the fact that a gown pretty much covers you from neck to toe? I should have climbed out of the bath and put on my airline uniform in order make a call in my own room. And then taken it off again to go to bed. Ridiculous and only something a woman would ever have to think about.

    And then we come to the entitlement that some men feel towards womans bodies. He came to my room on a work errand. Saw a pretty lady in a gown and instantly assumed this was a booty call. No pleasantries, just launched into a grope-fest with zero consent.

    And the worst part? My nervous system went into freeze mode. I didn’t kick him out. I didn’t rage. I didn’t even report the incident. After he did this, I was even more desperate to phone home, so I still asked him to sort out the dial codes before he left. Which he did, thankfully leaving after with no further incident. (There we go again with the gratitude. What the actual f#$!)
    The truth is I put myself at even greater risk, just because I was desperate to phone home.

    I have noticed that my memory is very cloudy about this incident. Partly because it was a long time ago, when hotel rooms still had phones. Before WhatsApp calls were a thing. But every trauma I have faced has become very hazy. It’s a defence mechanism. If I had been asked to testify, it would have been a problem. And this is something many victims face in a courtroom. A lack of memory for details. Something used to discredit them.

    In writing this piece, I have become painfully aware of how many excuses I made for this man. Just the way society had taught me to. Right down to the self blame regarding what I was wearing.

    I would have handled it differently this time, with more rage and consequence. I would have shouted at him, shoved him and called his manager. It probably would have backfired right there in the room with a now angry man.

    I have also returned from parties twice with no memory. Luckily with friends and partners who were safe. (There we go again with the gratitude for not being drugged and sexually assaulted.)
    Although now that the Motherless site has been exposed it might not be possible for a woman to know, I could have been assaulted by a partner. I do not believe any of my partners were ‘into’ having sex with unconscious women, but then who does?

    As a society we need to do better. We need to create a world where women are safe and criminal behaviour is policed.
    A world where men’s entitlement is corrected rather than the woman’s attire.
    Victim blaming is an empty arguement, women have been assaulted in their tracksuits and babies don’t own sexy outfits.

    It’s time to lay the blame where it belongs and teach our boys differently. It’s time to police the perpetrators and not the victims.

    And if you find yourself justifying any of this kind of behaviour, if you find yourself thinking ‘at least she wasn’t 🍇’, it’s time to look inward to the values you have unconsciously integrated.

    It’s time to do better.

    And if you’re a man reading this and you have a #MeToo story, my sympathies go out to you. Sexual assault works both ways but this post is not about your experience, it’s about mine.

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Polarity Isn’t Progress

    POLARITY ISN’T PROGRESS

    Polarity is a reaction to feminism. A reset for the idea that a woman can (and should) do everything by herself. There is a lot of talk on the Internet about polarity, especially in the Manosphere. This concept of how a woman should think and act does not take into account personal traits and preferences. What she should expect from her life, what her role is in society applies a blanket rule for all.

    And how alpha /real men are providers, again ignoring personality types and individual differences. Hell, half the men I’ve seen online are in their princess era! Some are body builders and some wear makeup, and some do both.
    When you try to squeeze an entire gender into one small box, it all gets really toxic really fast.

    Everybody is different, we are all unique individuals, yes…even the ‘females’, as the Manosphere likes to refer to us as. There is no one-size-fits-all in human relationships or psychology. Not even from an evolutionary or cultural perspective, where some societies are matriarchal and some are patriarchal. Where Amazon’s were warriors and men were subservient while other societies cast women into the submissive role.

    So let’s turn gender bias on its ass for a second. Some women like to provide, and some men like to stay at home and take care of the family. Some women are body builders and some men are ultra-fem. And that’s ok!
    Women are gender policed because they are too strong, too muscular, too independent. Or too sexy, too promiscuous, too independant. Men are policed too, because they are too soft, too feminine, too simp, too homo, too alpha.

    While men are encouraged to integrate their feminine side in some circles, women who embrace their masculine side are criticised in others. We are called bitch, butch, scary, liberated. They are called conscious, enlightened, or homo. It depends who you ask.

    How about we take each person as an individual, in a world where variety is interesting and even entertaining?
    Calling a strong woman butch or a soft man a simp is a form of bullying I have encountered a few times in my life, and I found it to be really upsetting.

    After some thought and some insightful chats to other strong women, I have come to realize something I already knew on an intellectual level. I just needed to remove the emotional sting. Return the energy to sender. Accept and love the path that I have chosen, or change it for my own reasons.

    *At the end of the day, we should all be striving to integrate elements of our opposite gender to be better balanced humans.
    *People who shame others are doing it out of their own insecurities.
    *Body shaming is just a form of gender stereotyping and bullying, don’t ever feel the need to fit into anybody’s mould.
    *Rise above comments that do not deserve a response.
    *People who are trying to pull you down are already below you.

    Let’s pack away these ridiculous boxes and try to not be kak humans, ok?

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • How The 777 Rule Can Save Your Relationship

    HOW THE 777 RULE CAN SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    How the 777 Rule can save your relationship 💓

    Most relationships go through difficult patches, uninspired patches, emotional lows. The 777 rule is a relationship framework designed to keep marriages or long-term partnerships strong by prioritizing intentional quality time.

    So if you’re feeling unexcited, uninspired or disconnected from your partner, why not try the 777 rule? The first step is to have a discussion about it to avoid disappointment and make sure you’re on the same page. Be honest about your feelings and needs, the room mate phase can be brutal if one of you is feeling rejected or unappreciated.

    It consists of three habits:
    Every 7 days have a date night
    Every 7 weeks take a night away
    Every 7 months plan a romantic getaway. This structure helps couples reconnect, break routines, and maintain intimacy.

    Core Components of the 777 Rule:
    Every 7 Days (Date Night): Regular, uninterrupted time together. It does not need to be expensive or out of the house; it can be a “table time” chat, a movie night, or a meal without distractions.

    Every 7 Weeks (Overnight Trip): A mini-getaway such as a night in a local hotel or a weekend camping trip, to step away from daily responsibilities.

    Every 7 Months (Vacation): A more extended trip to focus entirely on each other, providing a deeper chance for connection, adventure, or relaxation.

    The 777 rule tackles the lack of time that can cause relationships to fade by making togetherness a consistent, scheduled priority. It also gives the male partner the opportunity to take the lead in building intimacy in the relationship, something the woman usually craves and reaches for.

    It is designed to be flexible, focusing on the intention of connecting, rather than strict, expensive, or complex plans. Quality time which can encourage a deeper connection emotionally and physically.

    Above all else, keep the lines of communication open. Make sure you are both on board, it can be very disappointing if your partner fails to follow through on date night. Perhaps discuss taking turns to ‘treat’ one another. A lack of quality time is one of the easiest things to repair if both of you are willing, and it will bring great rewards to your relationship.

    I am a holistic Life Coach, traditional Doctor and Relationship Coach.
    Get in touch with me to book a session on my WhatsApp line.
    +27 83 263 5569

    “Your most inspired life is crafted element by element”

  • Practical Steps To Make Your Wife Feel Seen.

    PRACTICAL STEPS TO MAKE YOUR WIFE FEEL SEEN.

    There has been a shift in mindset, when it comes to how a man should show up in a marriage or partnership.
    The old view was to work hard to provide money. But with women also working, the dynamic in a dual income home has shifted towards the quality of your interactions.
    The new view center’s around working hard to provide financially, but also to provide emotional safety and offer personal time and energy at home.


    A working man can show effort for his wife by focusing on proactive partnership, consistent communication, and intentional presence, rather than relying solely on financial provision. True effort involves alleviating her mental and physical load through shared household responsibilities, consistent emotional support, and small, daily acts of kindness that show she is a priority. Many women are living in survival mode, and their nervous system requires a soft place to emotionally relax.

    Proactive Shared Responsibility.
    Instead of “helping” as if the home is her responsibility, take ownership of chores.
    -Anticipate Needs: Tackle tasks without being asked, such as washing dishes, doing laundry, or taking out the trash, especially if you notice she is overwhelmed.
    -Manage the “Mental Load”: Take initiative on tasks like scheduling appointments, planning family events, or managing finances.
    -Cook or Handle Meals: Actively take over cooking or meal preparation to give her a break, and clean up after.
    -Daily Maintenance: Clean up after yourself immediately to prevent the buildup of clutter.

    Emotional Presence and Support
    -Show that you are her teammate in life, not just a visitor in the home.
    -Active Listening: Listen attentively without offering immediate solutions. Truly hear her worries and frustrations to help her feel heard and valued. If she has a meltdown try to be curious rather than defensive.

    -Decision making: Do not dominate your wife with your opinions, rather leave room for collaboration and hear her out. She has opinions and ideas too that need compromise.
    -Appreciation & Gratitude: Express appreciation daily for her efforts in the home, in her career, or as a mother. A simple “thank you” or “you are amazing” has profound effects.
    -Quality Connection: Create a screen-free “reunion” when you return home to reconnect properly. TV and phones block interpersonal communication.
    -Support Her Goals: Encourage her passions, hobbies, and career goals, making her personal growth a priority in your shared life. Do not talk down to her or criticise her goals and performance.
    -Respect her in public and private: Be mindful of showing respect and appreciation, especially in front of friends or family, which protects her dignity.

    Small, Consistent Gestures of Affection.
    -Small acts of care are more effective than sporadic grand gestures.
    -Thoughtful Notes/Texts: Send messages during the day just to say you are thinking of her.
    -Daily Touch: A warm hug, holding hands, or a passionate kiss upon returning home can diminish stress and increase your connection . Make sure you understand what her needs are in the bedroom, and then follow through.
    -Unprompted Kindness: Bring home her favorite treat, flowers, or a small gift “just because”. Introduce activities that strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together to make sexual intimacy pleasurable. Such as a slow dance in the kitchen or sharing a bath.

    Active Fatherhood
    -If you have children, being an active father is one of the highest forms of effort for your wife.
    -Share Childcare: Be proactive in feeding, bathing, and playing with children, allowing her to have time to rest.
    -Teach and Play: Engage with the children rather than leaving the responsibility of parenting entirely to her

    Scheduling Intentional Time
    -As a working man, you must fight to create space for your relationship.
    Romance should not stop when you live together. You could try the 777 rule, it’s a relationship-strengthening framework designed to ensure consistent, intentional time together. It suggests a date night every 7 days, a romantic overnight getaway every 7 weeks, and a longer vacation every 7 months. This structure fosters intimacy and prevents routine and stress from eroding the bond.

    Self-Care
    -Prioritize well-being: Maintain your own physical and mental health to be fully present and supportive in your relationship. A healthy partner makes for a better partner. Pay attention to your grooming, go to the gym and keep on top of your dentist and doctor appointments.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Practical Steps To Make Your Husband Feel Seen.

    PRACTICAL STEPS TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND FEEL SEEN

    For a working woman, the effort she makes for her husband in a modern marriage has shifted away from chores and servitude, to center more on partnership, empathy, and maintaining a nurturing connection. Rather than outdated notions of servitude, a dual-career household requires the focus to be on proactive communication, emotional support, and quality time over sheer physical labor.
    Here are the types of effort that strengthen a marriage when both spouses work:

    Nurturing the Emotional Connection
    -Active Listening & Empathy: Create a safe space for him to discuss his day without fear of judgment. Listen to understand his stresses rather than to immediately respond. But put a limit on it to not poison the whole evening with a kind gesture or distraction.
    -Show Appreciation and Validation: Regularly thank him and acknowledge his efforts to provide and care for the family, which boosts his confidence.
    -Be a Team Player: Approach life’s challenges together, ensuring you are aligned on goals and values, viewing a “win” for one as a win for the team.

    Proactive Communication and Support
    -Express Needs Clearly: Communicate your needs and desires directly instead of expecting him to guess, reducing misunderstandings.
    -Support His Goals: Champion his dreams and aspirations, offering encouragement when he feels demotivated.
    -Respect Him in Public: Be mindful of showing respect and appreciation, especially in front of friends or family, which protects his dignity.

    Fostering Intimacy and Togetherness.
    -Prioritize Quality Time: Dedicate time, such as a weekly date night, to connect and have fun together, keeping the romance alive.
    -Maintain Physical Intimacy: Understand and address the importance of intimacy in the relationship. This does not refer only to sexual intimacy, but to activities that strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together to make this possible.
    -Small Gestures of Love: Leave notes, surprise him with a favorite meal, or offer acts of service that show you are thinking of him.

    Efficient Household Partnership.
    -Shared Responsibilities: Work together to assign clear tasks for cooking, cleaning, and managing finances, rather than trying to do everything alone.
    -Flexibility During Tough Times: Offer grace and support, particularly when the other is having a difficult week.
    -Set Boundaries for Work: Agree on rules like “no business talk at dinner” to ensure your home remains a place of rest rather than an extension of the office.

    Self-Care.
    -Prioritize well-being: Work can be hectic, but make time to maintain your own physical and mental health. This will help you to be fully present and supportive, while feeling good within yourself. A healthy partner makes for a better partner, so make time for exercise and self-care.

    Ultimately, the best effort is one that fosters love, respect, and a “team-first” mentality, rather than merely balancing chores. The first step is simply to be kind to one another.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Menopause Mayhem- Volume 2: Homicidal Rage.

    MENOPAUSE MAYHEM VOLUME 2: HOMICIDAL RAGE

    Now everybody gets a little cross from time to time. Sometimes even for no reason, and that is a fine and human thing. But what happens when your oestrogen bottoms out, your progesterone is in decline and those well worn dopamine channels run dry?

    Aside from developing a dark sense of humour and dry wit, your people pleasing seems to wither away and is replaced with an undeniable urge to slap people!

    Rage during menopause is caused by fluctuating hormones (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone) impacting brain chemicals like serotonin, leading to mood instability. Combine this with physical symptoms like sleep loss, hot flashes, and stress, and your irritability is going to go through the roof. That shopping list that your partner keeps leaving in the kitchen is likely to get stapled to his forehead, whereas the old you would have sent a photo on WhatsApp or just gone to the shops yourself.

    Emotional sensitivity is increased too when these hormones wobble or bottom out completely, creating a difficult situational cycle for everyone to endure. Estrogen changes affect mood-regulating brain areas and neurotransmitters, while increased cortisol from stress further fuels anger, making everyday triggers feel overwhelming. And lets not even talk about what the damn cortisol is doing to your previously slim waistline…

    The Chemical Cascade explained.
    Estrogen and Serotonin: Declining estrogen levels disrupt serotonin, a “happy chemical” that regulates mood, leading to irritability and anger. This is why you are far more likely to tell people what you really think these days. No more sugar coating anything (because you probably are it all at midnight)
    Hormonal Rollercoaster: The fluctuating, rather than steady, decline of hormones makes mood swings unpredictable, similar to puberty. Things you used to brush off are suddenly wildly irritating. And although it’s great to hold people accountable for their misdeeds, murder is probably going a step too far!
    Cortisol & Stress: Menopause can heighten the stress response, increasing cortisol (the stress hormone), which amplifies irritability and emotional sensitivity, making it harder to cope.
    Neurotransmitter Imbalance: Reduced estrogen also lowers GABA, a calming neurotransmitter, which diminishes your ability to self-soothe.

    So what to do when your mood-regulating brain chemicals are fucking with your chi?
    Consult a Doctor who is well educated on menopause. Possibly a female for more knowledge and enpathy. Discuss hormone replacement therapy (HRT) or other treatments for severe symptoms.

    Find a menopause coach or wellness coach who can recommend natural supplements and holistic supplements to help you self-soothe. Explore how Dialectical Behaviour Therapy can help you, there’s even an app for this called Liven.

    Manage your stress by practicing mindfulness (living in the moment), try joining a yoga or meditation class. Exercise, put your bare feet on the ground and find creative outlets like pottery, painting or making sour dough to channel your emotions.

    And finally, optimize your lifestyle. Start by prioritizing sleep and staying hydrated. Your wellness coach can assist with a balanced diet that can also reduce cortisol levels (magnesium and B vitamins help). Swop out your coffee for cacao and sugar for honey. Find a calm space to retreat to when those murderous impulses rise, take a bubble bath and lock the door. (Yes please, it’s called boundaries)

    At the end of the day, menopause can be a real shit show. But it’s your shit show so try to implement some of these before you become one of those bad things that happen to good people.

    You’ve got this babe, just make a start and see how your life can change and grow through all of this.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • When You Want To Stab The Christmas Turkey.

    WHEN YOU WANT TO STAB THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY.

    Sure, every relationship has its challenges. This can become more highlighted over the holidays, with spending too much time together, or feeling disappointed by a lack of attentiveness over the festive season. But it’s not about the Xmas dinner, it’s about patterns and nervous system dysregulation. When is enough, enough?


    When does trivial irritation become toxic? A lot of relationships find themselves on the rocks over the holidays, perhaps because a spotlight is shone on behaviour vs expectation. And then comes the break-up and a lot of victim blaming at the end of the line. Perhaps both partners become the victim in some way, perhaps not… Some relationships fizzle out peacefully, while others become toxic and explosive, and this is what I wanted to talk about.

    How do we react to these stressors, to the trigger stacking? The truth is that when a relationship becomes toxic or abusive, your body is programmed to protect itself. If you are under verbal or physical attack, you are eventually going to respond, no matter how you may try to stay calm.

    This is because every nervous system has its limits, and once reached something has to give. Whether it’s fight, flight or freeze will depend on your wiring, your trauma and your situation.

    These are automatic, instinctive stress responses that prepare your body to survive a perceived threat, involving physical reactions like increased heart rate (fight/flight) or going still/numb (freeze) as your nervous system mobilizes for action or shutdown. It’s often seen in anxiety or trauma but was once useful in genuine danger. (And still can be).

    More recently another response has been added: Fawning.
    Let me break these down, you’re bound to recognise one in yourself.
    Fight: Preparing to confront the threat, potentially through aggression, arguing, or physical struggle.
    Flight: Instinct to escape or run from the danger by putting distance between yourself and the threat.
    Freeze: Feeling stuck, numb, or unable to move or speak, your body goes rigid, which can help you hide or assess the danger.
    Fawn: Trying to appease or please the threat to avoid conflict, often seen in trauma. 

    When you feel under attack, a number of factors come in to play physiologically.
    -Your amygdala becomes triggered in your brain.
    -Your heart rate and breathing speed up to deliver oxygen for your body to perform at is best.
    -Your muscles tense and prepare for action.
    -Your pupils dilate, hearing sharpens, and peripheral vision increases to assist you.
    -Your blood is redirected to major muscles, making your hands/feet cold and even clammy, and your clotting factors increase. 

    Your body is an incredibly smart survival machine, and this all happens automatically. Although you are unlikely to be chased by a bear these days, it will still be triggered by genuine danger or by non-threatening situations if you have experienced trauma or have anxiety disorders.

    So an argument with your partner can lead to over stimulation and overactivity of the amygdala (that primitive part of your brain that is trying to keep you safe), and set all these physiological responses in motion.

    Perhaps you are being victimised at work?
    You are unlikely to punch your boss in the face, or run out of the boardroom. You are most likely to freeze or fawn. But over time, if the victimisation continues you will probably walk out, or hand in your notice quietly and never go back.

    Perhaps you are in a toxic romantic relationship?
    You might become emotionally distant over time, to guard yourself from the pain being inflicted. Disappear from their DMs, ghost their calls. Or try to outrun the situation by driving somewhere or locking yourself in a bathroom when a conflict escalates in your physical space. (And earn the label of ‘avoidant’, which can also be a form of victim-blaming, but is also a form of self-protection).

    In a family or work or romantic relationship flight is not always an immediate possibility. This could be due to financial reasons or because you are physically being prevented from walking out. And that is when you might freeze, fawn or eventually, fight.

    This is a survival response that is hardwired into your nervous system. It’s intended to protect you from physical harm, but it kicks in for psychological harm too as your blood pumps full of adrenalin. And before you know it, you find yourself cornered and start lashing out like a wild animal. This is called reactive abuse and you are probably going to feel awful about it the next day.

    And although you can’t help it, this is a very damaging response, and you need to know that it’s not your fault. You are not a monster, and you are not the abuser. You are only human, and your nervous system is trying to survive under intense emotional or physical threat.

    If your situationship remains unchanged, over time you might begin to develop CPTSD. This happens if the abuse is ongoing and you cannot get away.
    Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition resulting from prolonged or repeated trauma, like chronic abuse or neglect. Verbal and emotional abuse fill this category too.

    The problem with reactive abuse is that it’s very dangerous territory. It shifts you temporarily from victim mode into self-defence, and for a moment your partner will see YOU as the abuser. You might scratch, pull hair, lash out or shove this person in panic or an attempt to make them stop, or to get away from them.

    If you are fortunate, a surprise show of strength might result in your partner backing down, this time. But over time, or perhaps immediately your partner will become more enraged, placing you at a greater risk.

    If your reaction produces an even more extreme reaction in your partner, it will escalate the situation. And they might even use it against you, threaten to video your reaction, or shame you and justify their own behaviour. Perhaps even blackmail you to keep you under their control.

    What is important in these types of relationships is to have an exit plan and start implementing it.
    Tell somebody.
    Speak to somebody about an emergency place to sleep for future incidents.
    File a report.
    Get a restraining order.
    Get a job.
    Start saving.

    In the meantime, there are some other things that you can do to regulate your own nervous system.
    Start by understanding your pattern (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), this is the key to managing it. Recognise what is triggering you and take steps to avoid it where possible. Give some thought to how you can circumvent or de-escalate the situation from your side by recognising your partner’s triggers. Now, I’m not suggesting you walk on eggshells forever, just until you can make a nice toward safety or work out a better way to respond.

    Start practicing techniques that can carry you through this situation while you are working on your exit plan. Try mindfulness, grounding techniques, exercise, therapy, and self-care can help calm an overactive stress response. Positive visualisation and body talk.
    Ask for help and start taking positive steps to change your situation.
    You deserve a peaceful relationship or environment in which to grow and thrive.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255
    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • The Cracked Mirror

    THE CRACKED MIRROR
    In my business I get to meet so many amazing women.
    Beautiful women.
    Vivacious women.
    Accomplished women.
    Compassionate women.

    And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them.
    I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.

    Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others.
    We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.

    I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.

    What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.

    If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make?
    How would you make love if you felt beautiful?
    What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?

    The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.

    So just for today, start a journal.
    Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.

    Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful”
    Let’s shift the narrative.
    Let’s change our mindsets.
    We are enough.

    And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy.
    Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Menopause Mayhem-Volume One

    MENOPAUSE MAYHEM-VOLUME ONE

    Menopause Mayhem- Volume 1
    For every woman experiencing the train wreck that is menopause, there is the realisation that the information around it does not flow freely. Yes, we all know about rage and mood swings, but there is so much more.
    I’ve been doing some research, and I’ll be sharing it to raise awareness, because I understand how it can feel like you’re going crazy and don’t know why!

    Today’s issue: Sensory Overload
    Did you know that menopause can cause sensory issues? This can lead to heightened sensitivity (sensory overload) or altered sensations like skin prickling, taste/smell changes, and balance problems, largely due to fluctuating estrogen affecting brain chemistry (serotonin, dopamine) and nerve pathways, impacting how you perceive the world. These shifts can make you more sensitive to lights, sounds, textures, and smells, impacting daily coping.

    Here are some common Menopause-Related Sensory Issues:
    Heightened Sensitivity (Overload):
    Your partner has verbal diarrhoea while you’re trying to watch a movie and it’s taking every ounce of self control not to stab him with your dinner fork. Normal stimuli (lights, noises, crowds, textures) can feel overwhelming, triggering panic or needing to escape.

    Altered Skin Sensations: Are your feet on fire, without doing the fire walk your guru says will change your life? You might be experiencing formication (insects crawling), burning, itching, numbness, or tingling (paresthesias).

    Taste & Smell Changes: You used to love mincemeat and now you can’t even cook it without gagging like an adult film star.
    Fluctuations in estrogen can alter your sense of smell and taste, or cause a burning mouth sensation (burning mouth syndrome).

    Balance & Coordination: You tried to catch the cat, went flying out of your bedroom door and impaled your boob on the garden gnome. Changes in the cerebellum, affected by hormones, can lead to dizziness, vertigo, clumsiness, and spatial disorientation.

    Touch Sensitivity: Your forehead is flaking like an old paint job and you have to sit on your hands to stop clawing at your face.
    Skin can become drier and more sensitive, or conversely, responsiveness to touch (even intimate) might decrease.

    Why It Happens:
    -Estrogen Decline: Estrogen influences neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, crucial for mood, cognition, and sensory processing. Lower levels disrupt these pathways, lowering your sensory threshold.
    -Nervous System Impact: Hormonal shifts affect nerve function, potentially increasing pain perception and disrupting sensory input.

    If you have read this and some of these issues have resonated with you, there are some things you can do.
    Now that you know you’re not going crazy, give some thought to how you can adapt to this new and confusing version of you. Recognising these changes are hormonal, not you being “difficult,”is the first step. Try adjusting your environment (dim lights, quiet spaces) to feel more comfortable.

    Seek support from a doctor or therapist, or life coach like me. A menopause coach perhaps, it’s important to speak with somebody who has knowledge of menopause and its symptoms. Women have been gaslit by the medical community for far too long. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help manage overwhelming feelings, and is such a great life skill to learn in general.

    Start managing underlying factors like getting a hormone test and putting in place a plan to correct them holistically or with HRT. Address stress, sleep, and overall health, as these can worsen sensory issues. Once you’ve realised you’re not the problem and your hormones are betraying you, you can approach these challenges with more insight and patience, and make some key changes to suit this latest version of you. After all, sometimes a little rage is a valid and necessary thing. People pleasing is so last decade. Anyway, this is me signing off because my socks are driving me nuts…

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”