Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: relationships

  • The Saboteur Archetype

    Image by Monique van Wyk, model Candice Storm

    THE SABOTEUR ARCHETYPE
    We all know them, the celebrity who overdosed. The politician with the sex scandal…but this pattern of self sabotage can show up in your friend or partner too.
    For many people, success brings up all their fears. Because of low self-worth, self-esteem and not feeling worthy, the pressure of having to maintain their success becomes too hard to bear.
    So, they do something ‘dumb’ to bring themselves back to a level that doesn’t put so much pressure on them.
    Think of those people living a life most of us dream about, and yet they sabotage their success, in some way, because holding themselves to a high standard can be exhausting.

    The saboteur Archetype is characterised by negative mental patterns that undermine your performance and well-being. It’s the voice in your head that fuels self-doubt, fear, and resistance to growth. Its often disguised as helpful, but ultimately leading to self-sabotage, preventing us from taking risks or stepping up.

    It’s cooking a romantic dinner and then picking a fight at the table.
    It’s your beautiful friend dating unworthy men, or your tendency to procrastinate when a big job is required of you.

    This internal sabotage generates a lot of discomfort, in the form of negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, self doubt, frustration and unhappiness.

    The internal saboteur will actively work against your progress and success, hindering your ability to reach goals and realise your potential. You will drink too much at an important work occasion, or kiss somebody at a party that you shouldn’t.

    For me, it was breast implants. I didn’t feel confident in myself so I thought a pair of toxic tits would fix my mindset. They were a disaster, my body rejected them, I got sick. But I kept redoing the surgery, using up all my leave and extra cash. 7 surgeries in 17 years and still I was adamant I wanted to keep them. They leaked all over my chest, they swelled up, and still I couldn’t feel like ‘me’ without them. Until the surgeon said no, take time to heal, she forced me to redefine who I was without them.

    This self defeating behaviour can show up in relationships, in passive aggressive comments or infidelity. Worst of all, it’s an automatic pattern! We think, feel and respond a certain way on auto pilot.

    We make fear-based decisions that block our empowerment and success, sabotaging our efforts without our conscious awareness.

    So if it’s unconscious, how do we overcome this?
    The key is awareness. We need to actively challenge negative thoughts, to rewire how we think about things.
    We need to cultivate forgiveness and self-compassion, so we don’t block ourselves from taking calculated risks.

    We need to start focusing on our strengths and celebrate our successes

    By understanding our self sabotage and working to overcome it, we can unlock our true potential and achieve greater success and well-being.

    So next time you find yourself about to do dumb shit to get you out of situations that you don’t feel worthy of, take a breath and change your tactics.

    I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.

    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Coaching Through Chaos

    Image by Alan Perring, Model Candice Storm

    COACHING THROUGH CHAOS

    There are many reasons for deciding to enter into a relationship with a coach. And many coaches out there to help you find your way.

    Maybe you need to set some goals?
    Maybe you have some problems at work?
    Maybe your personal life just went down the toilet?
    There are different types of coaches, each choosing their niche based on what their own life experience.
    Some have embraced a spiritual approach, or a new age approach. Some espouse traditional values and roles, and others may specialise in addiction or career building.

    So choose a coach who you admire, one who has already created the life you desire.

    Now I’m not saying that the coach you choose needs to be schizophrenic to help you with your schizophrenia. But I am saying that experience and niche should play an important role in your choice.

    So if you’re looking for a mushroom journey, choose someone who has experienced many, not just facilitated them.
    A coach who has been divorced will have unique insights into your relationship.

    A coach who has lived in long term relationships or had children might be the ideal person for your journey, or one who has the free spirit of a gypsey.
    Whoever you choose, pick a coach who has come out the other side stronger, who has tried and tested techniques .
    A coach who can give you hope rather than fear.

    I focus mostly on woman empowerment, on a personal level. Techniques to improve your self esteem, insight into yourself and your relationships. Awakening your inner goddess. That doesn’t mean I’ve always felt like a goddess, there have been some hard things I have had to work through to get here. Some crazy mistakes and epic comebacks, and they will keep coming. I’m passionate about helping women to bloom into the most beautiful version of themselves, inside and out.

    I haven’t posted for a while because I’m going through a lot of personal stuff right now. I’ve been focusing on me and my process to get through it, and it’s been really tough. But I’m still here, showing up for myself, exploring boundaries and wiser for it.

    So to all the coaches out there who may feel that their lives aren’t perfect, it is the way that you have overcome your own obstacles that makes you an effective mentor.
    It’s your life experience that guides you to help others in their decision making
    It’s your emotional processes that can lead your client through a tough time.
    Experiences forged through pure grit, ice and fire.

    So next time you feel unworthy due to a personal circumstance, take some time out to process your loss, grief or trauma. Remember there is a client out there seeking your wisdom. Not textbook wisdom, but raw, real life experience.
    Everyone wanders in the wilderness sometimes, and it’s how you find your way back to yourself that is the gift you can offer.
    I see you ✨

    I am a holistic life coach, relationship coach, and wellness coach.
    You can book a session via WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Is Casual Sex Really Casual?

    Image by Mark Greenslade, Model Candice Storm

    IS CASUAL SEX REALLY CASUAL?

    Look, I’m not telling you to stop having fun, or denying the power you might feel after seduction or the affirming qualities casual sex.
    Since the free love era of the 70s, casual sex has been dressed up as “freedom.”
    And I’m all for sexual expression and freedom. Afterall, it’s your body and woman fought hard for sexual emancipation.

    But I cannot help wonder if we lost something in this process. Something deep and primal and sacred.
    We have created a world where sex is free, men don’t have to chase women, and our bodies are just vehicles for empty pleasure.

    But perhaps you will find that you lose something each time you rock that casual encounter, your value to yourself. Sex has become performative, and this is partly due to the porn culture, but also due to our own desires to impress.

    You might find yourself feeling less, and putting up with more BS. Swopping crumbs of affection for real depth and presence.
    Confusing real intimacy for performance.

    You brush off that feeling of being ghosted the morning after, as a sign of independence. Afterall, you don’t need a man.

    The thing is, women and men are not wired the same. You might overthink a one-night stand for the rest of your life, while he won’t lose a second’s sleep over it. And chances are you’ll regret it once you realise he didn’t satisfy your soul, your need for connection. He didn’t even satisfy your body…how could he when he didn’t take the time to get to know you first?

    It’s time to stop giving your womb away to men who are not worthy of your creative source.
    That feeling of being wild and free was delicious, and it’s your body, you can do what you want. But how did it really feel in the afterglow? Were you fullfilled or perhaps a bit emptier than you were before the hook up?

    You see, women are not like men. You’ll bond emotionally with a man you barely know, if he does call, riding high on that oxytocin train. The chemicals tricking you into believing lust can become love.
    And here you are a year later, pair bonding with Mr. Wrong because those chemicals keep you from getting your head on straight.

    Perhaps the true rebellion these days is being the one who doesn’t give it away for free.

    Being the one who holds herself and her true partner to a higher standard. Going after what you want in the endgame, rather than what you want right now.
    Because it’s easy to get caught up in the dating game, feeling chosen when you were actually just using each other. Competing with all the other readily available women to be with an unworthy man. Better grab him quick, before he swipes left! Perhaps out of fear of rejection or of being alone.

    Sure it will be fun once or twice, you’ve proved you’ve still got it. And that can be a powerful and much needed thing after a divorce or break up.
    But how can this path lead to anything but self devaluation in the long term? It’s time to start looking inward for validation and love, before you out source these qualities to unworthy partners.

    And if he stays after that feisty fling?
    Here is the irony. He will always wonder if you’re a keeper, because you let him touch you too soon. The double standard still exists in the minds of men. You were easy to catch and now he is not sure of your value, or if you will be easily available to other men too. Even though that man was him. Cute, huh?

    So learn to love a man who is worthy of your many gifts. One who recognises them and will pursue you and earn your body.
    Somebody who will connect with you, heart to heart and soul to soul before your bodies merge. And then you will experience sex as a transformative and magical experience. The kind that uplifts you both, that transcends this earthly plane.

    Perhaps the biggest flex in todays society is to wait. Know your rarity and protect your soul, your spirit, your temple.
    It’s your life and you get to choose how you want to live it. So make it a good choice, first let him prove he can hold your heart, before you let him hold your hips.

    You can manifest the life you desire, and you can start today.

    I’m available for life coaching, relationship coaching & wellness coaching.

    You can book on WhatsApp 0833613255.

    #casualsex #lifecoach #fling #onenightstand

  • How Do You Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship?

    How Do You Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship?

    Model: Candice Storm

    HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

    Hopefully not with a jolly good spanking, as this cop style hat might suggest!

    The truth is it is very seldom a peaceful and productive discussion.

    Emotions run hot, tempers flare, and words are thrown around like weapons.

    But here is the truth behind human conflict. Each fight is either going to leave you better off, or chip away at your self esteem and your relationship.

    A disagreement with a compatible partner will result in changed behaviour and accountability.

    A disagreement with a toxic partner will result in a bigger problem.

    How do you ever relax with a person who is unpredictable and edgy, where you are constantly bracing for impact, never knowing where it’s coming from next?

    How do you ever let your guard down when they will attack you with no warning about something small and unexpected?

    A healthy relationship means talking about things as calmly as possible. It means discussing only one problem at a time and agreeing on a resolution.

    It does not mean attacking your partner, putting them on the defensive and spewing abuse and toxicity.

    It does not mean weaponising everything your partner said in moments of trust and vulnerability, so that you can twist the knife and ‘win’ the arguement.

    Because the truth is you only win if you take your partner with you to the finish line.

    You only win if you can solve a problem with mutual respect.

    You only win if you can provide a safe space for each other emotionally.

    It’s not a power struggle, pushing buttons like a pro to send your partner over the edge.

    It’s not about manipulation.

    It’s not about gas lighting.

    It’s not about open warfare, it’s about reaching a deeper understanding.

    It’s about owning your feelings and your screw ups, and finding out how to make amends.

    Otherwise you’re breaking more than you’re fixing, and one day there won’t be anything left.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach, and you can book a session by messaging me on WhatsApp.

    0833613265

    #arguement #resolvingconflict #toxicpartner #lifecoach #relationshipcoach

  • Living With An Addict

    Living With An Addict

    LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

    I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.

    If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.

    They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.

    Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.

    They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.

    They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.

    Wasting your life.

    Let that sink in.

    There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.

    There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.

    And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.

    If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.

    Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.

    Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.

    I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.

    The deflection (I’m so stressed).

    The accusation (you are always upset with me)

    The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).

    The empty promises (I can change)

    I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.

    Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.

    I called it committed.

    I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.

    I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.

    But it became harder each time to bounce back.

    It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.

    Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.

    Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.

    Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.

    Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.

    He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.

    There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.

    Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.

    And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.

    He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.

    So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.

    Create new routines to take care of yourself.

    Go to counseling.

    You both will need to.

    Practice self love.

    Start a new hobby.

    Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.

    And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.

    But you?

    Stick to your standards.

    You’re worth more than this.

    Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.

    You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.

    WhatsApp Inquiries 0833613255