The first step towards self confidence is not being afraid to be ugly or disliked. Nobody is perfect, so stop trying to be. Focus on your strengths, not your perceived imperfections, and watch your life bloom. Water your own garden and stop weeding for others. Once you get over the fear of being seen as ugly or unpopular and stop equating beauty with other good things in life (friends, love, happiness) it’s a lot easier to love yourself unconditionally.
Beauty is an inside job, and our exterior should amplify these qualities. You do not have to be pretty to receive love. You do not have to swallow your words or your pride to be accepted. You will never be too much in the right company. So take a course, book a holiday, travel solo, invest in yourself. Don’t worry so much about your itty bitty titties or those wrinkles gathering around your eyes.
Because guess what ? Your looks will fade, sis, it’s inevitable. Botox at 40 might be beautiful, but it still looks like Botox at 40. And those partners who only saw your beauty as skin deep will fade away as your body begins to age. Those people you worked so hard to people please? Gone as soon as you put your foot down and show the authentic you. So learn to see those smile lines as the result of a life well lived. Those frown lines as the proof of wisdom gained through experience.
Your job is not to sit around taking shit and being easy on the eye. Your job is to do exactly what fills your heart and soul with happiness, and look however you want whilst doing it.
I once got told I look ugly when I cry. Imagine being expected to be visually pleasing while your heart is breaking? I guess I missed that class in school…you know, the one where they take all the girls aside and teach them to sob prettily into a handkerchief? So that guy had to go! My advice is this:
Don’t hide how you feel to make other people more comfortable.
Wear that dress
Say the thing that’s been on your mind
Be wild
Be unconventional
Be unapologetic about the passions that course through your veins
Cultivate boundaries like a motherf*cker.
You only get this one shot to live this life. So live it to the full. Live it with authenticity. Find your soul’s tribe and to hell with the rest. Carpe Diem bitches.
Have you ever noticed how so many of us end up trying to change the ones we love? They were just fine in the beginning, but then we started to notice that who they were didn’t line up with our expectation of who we thought they were? Or those red flags that we told ourselves were minor are suddenly blazing across the sky like Haley’s Comet?
This is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who this person was before you fell in love with them. You skipped over the understanding of what this person was actually offering you, blinded by a cocktail of charm and oxytocin. You dived in so quickly, ripping your clothes off faster than your inner child at an Easter egg hunt. In fact, ahem, you shoved it in your mouth so fast you didn’t even check what was inside that shiny wrapper! It takes time to peel back that pretty packaging, and if you didn’t wait long enough to see what was really inside, you might have ended up with a flavour not to your liking. You leaped before you looked, and when this happens, love can turn into attachment to an idea, rather than reality. Like when Harry Potter’s Every Flavoured Beans ended up tasting like ear wax or toad warts instead of cream pie? We’ve all been there.
Prince charming hooted at the gate, or asked you to split the bill, or did another kind of split after breakfast in bed. And while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you’re wondering how the eggs got scrambled.
The thing is, when you don’t really know who someone is, you start filling in the blanks with hope, potential, or who your starry eyes wish them to be. You imbue them with every magical quality your heart ever imagined, and then feel let down when your unsuspecting lover didn’t get the memo!
You’re already building a future with a version of somebody who doesn’t actually exist, and wondering why they aren’t on the same page. Or worse, they already showed a little of who they are and you turned a blind eye. Sure it was a disarming, white washed version of themselves, and you decided you could change them with a few subtle tweaks. If you just loved them enough, or guided them enough, or inspired them enough with your pretty picture of the future. The one you already painted and framed over the mantelpiece.
Yes, as women we are programmed to nurture, but it is not your role to mother a grown-ass man. And if you cast yourself into the parental role, he will respond as the child. He will rebel or become argumentative, and you will be stuck holding the stick or the carrot. Suddenly finding yourself counting his drinks or nagging him to eat dinner. Reminding him to brush his teeth or to take out the trash. Offering rewards for good behaviour or accepting bribes for bad. And this is not conscious love, this is you carrying the full weight of responsibility for both of you. This is you burning out while he turns loving him into a f*cking chore.
And yet, you chose this, perhaps not consciously, but by default when you dived into the deep end to catch somebody you barely knew. You chose a man who was unworthy, was unwilling to rise, and fell head over heels before you realised.
Maybe he wasn’t ready, or hadn’t figured it out yet. Or maybe you get validation from uplifting others. But before you try to heal a love match, make sure they are ready to live without the poison. Because a partner is not supposed to be a project, and you are not supposed to be a rehabilitation centre for f*ckwits or f*ckboys.
Because let’s face it, if he wanted to change, he would have done so already. You could spend years investing in something that was broken from the very beginning, or you could take some time to find somebody willing to grow with you. To co-create with you. To build a future with you.
So this is me calling myself out on my own bullshit, and calling you out on yours too. The choice is yours, so choose wisely.
I am a life coach & wellness coach. You ban book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
You get many expressions of feminism, from the burn-the-bra and grow-your-armpit-hair types, to the my-body-my-rules point of view. Women have been claiming their sovereignty back since the 60’s, and sometimes I wonder if fun got left behind with it! When did things get so serious? Why did society need to push women to the point of being on guard, on the defensive all the time?
There are so many issues around woman’s bodies and breasts. Most notably that ‘breasts are for babies’ and ‘breasts are for breastfeeding’. And I agree 100 percent with these statements, having breast fed 2 beautiful children of my own. But more importantly breasts belong to the woman they are attached to! They are not public property or available for comment and comparison. All sizes are good sizes! So when it comes to being a breast fan, I’m not talking about modifying your boobs to impress a partner or flashing them on Only Fans. I’m talking about healing our relationship with our breasts. Coming back into balance.
I once felt that I needed breast implants to complete my ‘look’ and it turned out they were not for me. My body rejected them from day one and I spent years struggling with the complications and my own health. And boy oh boy was removing them a trauma! It felt like losing my own breasts, like a mastectomy of sorts. Our society has created so much body dysmorphia in the eyes of men and the minds of women surrounding breasts. What is the ideal shape, the ideal size? How can we alter the appearance of our breasts to be more sexually or visually appealing? Do we draw the line at a push up bra, breast implants or just burning that bra entirely?
Social media expects women to look a certain way, and then to change completely with the next trend. Yet we are not the same, we are all unique and each body type has it’s own charms. Perhaps we need to heal the perception of what a natural breast actually looks like? Afterall, you don’t see men rushing off to cut open their balls and install some large fake clangers, or at least not very often?
Through all of this, we as woman need to learn to love and appreciate ourselves for who we are, to not be defined by our breasts, and to be body positive about our own shape.
And sometimes, if we can learn to truly appreciate who we are on the other side of trauma and healing, there lies a whole lot of fun and freedom! Afterall, the more you focus on trauma, the more you will feel the trauma. But don’t unpack your bags and stay there, do the work and move forward. How would you make love if you weren’t worried about your appearance? If you didn’t feel the need to turn off the lights? How would you feel about your body if you could let go of the negative experiences and toxic thought processes?
There is value in a sensual celebration of what it means to be woman, a woman not defined by her breasts but able to enjoy being in her own skin. Being a woman free to express herself as she wishes without fear of judgement or unwanted advances. A woman free to be her wild and unapologetic self. Not for money, not to impress anybody, but just to embody the goddess she was intended to be.
At the end of the day, working on the relationship you have with yourself will be the most important journey you will ever travel. It’s time to sign up for that pole dancing class, it might just be the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on! Learn some titillating tata twirling, why wouldn’t you? Embracing your sensual side is a reclamation, you’re so much more than a mother or a badass business woman. You are a wonder of nature, a creator of life and a feral enchantress in your own right.
So love your body for what she does for you today, give her what she needs to feel safe, and please don’t base your self worth on the size of your ‘assets’. Choose happiness, choose self expression, choose balance between the goddess, the mother, career woman, the enchantress. Embrace the shadows and the light, the yin and the yang, because taking a deep breath and surrendering into who you truly are is the ultimate freedom. You don’t need permission, and anything else is just manifesting your fear of judgement and shame. They have no place in the psyche of the embodied wild woman.
I am a life coach and relationship coach, you can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.
CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU POST TRAUMATIC STRESS?
The answer is yes, your relationship can give you post traumatic stress and it’s all in the name. It’s the stress that you feel after a traumatic incident, such as a fight or being threatened. During a fight, your body goes into flight or flight mode, a reflex designed to save your life. It dates back to our caveman days, where you needed extra adrenalin to fight a bear or outrun a mountain lion. But in today’s world we are seldom being chased by bears. So when our body gets flooded by adrenaline we cannot always use it to fight or to run. And when the trauma is over, our body gets stuck in this loop of re-living the stress and feeling unsafe.
PTSD can be the result of one big, upsetting incident, or a string of bad situations that you can’t control. But each time something bad happens to you, your ability to bounce back becomes less.
In severe cases it affects your sleep and can give you nightmares, or flash backs. You will find your head going round and round in circles and a constant knot in your stomach. And just when you think you’re feeling normal, you’ll suddenly be overwhelmed by anxiety for no apparent reason.
Here are some other symptoms you might be experiencing: Behavioural: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behaviour, or social isolation. Psychological: flashbacks, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust. Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness. Sleep: insomnia or nightmares Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts.
So what you can you do to recover from PTSD? Firstly, try and remove yourself from the situation that is keeping you trapped in this loop. Once you are feeling safe, your nervous system can begin to start self- regulation. Secondly, talk to somebody about it, expressing your feeling about a traumatic event, and talking about what happened to you helps your brain to process it, and your body to begin working through it. Thirdly, you can use some tools to cope when you feel overwhelmed: -Distancing yourself from the situation. -A change of environment. -Yoga to shift your focus away from the trauma and into balancing on one leg, or finger, or whatever pretzel shape your teacher has in mind for you. -Get outside, take off your shoes, walk in nature a bit. Grounding, also known as earthing,works by connecting the human body to the Earth’s natural electric charge, typically through direct skin contact. This connection helps neutralize free radicals and potentially reduce inflammation by transferring electrons from the Earth to the body. This can lead to various reported benefits like reduced pain, improved sleep, and decreased stress levels. -Breathing, the trick is to take long, slow exhales. Try breathing in for 4 counts, then out for 8. As you relax, you might be able to shift this into a ratio of 6/12 or 8/16. A slow exhale switches your Vegas nerve into parasympathetic mode, tricking your brain and body into feeling calmer. Effectively switching off the fight or flight reflex.
PTSD recovery is possible and involves a combination of professional treatment, self-care strategies, and support from loved ones. While some individuals recover naturally, professional help, including therapy and sometimes medication, is often needed for effective management and healing.
Recovery is a process, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs.Accepting that healing takes time and being kind to oneself are crucial.
Maintaining a healthy diet, getting enough rest, and engaging in enjoyable activities can contribute to overall well-being and recovery. Start by doing small things that make you happy and relaxed every day, try some meditation and positive visualisations, and remember to be patient with yourself.
I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can get in touch with me to book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255
If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.
My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).
Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.
Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.
Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.
Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.
What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?
Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role. You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.
If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.
Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.
Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.
Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.
So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.
But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”. This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.
As a result you may experience:
Hormonal Changes: Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties. Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms: -Joint pain: Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis. -Fatigue: Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels. -Weight gain: Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation. -Mood changes and depression: Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:
I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause: -Diet: Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation. -Exercise: Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain. -Stress management: Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation. -Prioritize sleep: Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.
*I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓
*I offer meditation
*I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips
*I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.
I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body. Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me. I can help. WhatsApp 0833613255
Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.
We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?
There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.
But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?
If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then? From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.
Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex? Never? Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?
For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband. I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife. Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life. And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good. And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.
He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward. In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.
I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this; I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did. I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong. My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.
So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.
So here are some things I have learned along the way. *Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep. *Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal. *Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised. *Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet. *Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.
*No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours. *Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.
In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess. But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship. And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part. And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.
But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.
And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.
But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.
Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.
You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.
So here’s a hot tip 🔥 If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.
There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing…. But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?
Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?
What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?
You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?
Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.
When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?
If we should stay or go?
Persevere or cut and run?
This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember . But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.
And the crunch?
None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking? So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.
Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.
If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision. Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline. To walk away. To take back your energy. To re-evaluate our needs and priorities. To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall? Not everybody is for everyone. And time is not promised to anyone. So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.
Let me tell you something about the ageing process. It humbles you. That kick ass body that you always took for granted is suddenly bulging over your low rise jeans. Your beautiful mane of hair is thinning and your butt is beginning to sag. The wrinkles come out of nowhere and your hormones go out of whack. Yes, it’s a shit show after 45.
Or is it? This lifetime is a journey of becoming. Of personal growth, honing instincts and acquiring wisdom.
I have always been in the modeling and entertainment industry, where there is a heavy emphasis on how you look. But slowly life has been changing me, forcing me to look inwards to discover beauty.
It’s a process of shedding your skin. Some processes more painful than others. First it was the false nails, impossible to maintain in an aerial studio. And who needs them really?
Then it was the big 4 Oh! And along came the panic about getting older and a solid 5 year Botox binge. Enter the fantastical filler flirtation, both temporary and unsustainable, I dropped that particular obsession by 45. Are we not just prolonging the inevitable, afterall? Don’t get me wrong, there were days where I stared in the mirror before a date and regretted my divorce from injectibles. But I stood firm in the belief that I have more to offer than my face.
Photoshop was a fascinating distraction for a while, perfecting every tummy roll and blemish. And then realising it’s pretty toxic to present this fake version of perfection to the world. To set unrealistic standards for other women to loathe themselves by. And so I let that go too, deliberately posting images with the belly rolls and wrinkles, because let’s be real…we all have them.
Then came the biggie, the breast implant drama. After 17 years and 7 surgeries, I had to let them go. It was never smooth sailing, I had complications right from the start. Fluid running down my chest, swelling, and finally a rupture which filled my chest with silicone. One has to question a beauty aesthetic which requires women to slice open their chests, pry the muscle off their rib cage, and insert a pair of silicone bags in the name of beauty. But I bought into that idea big time. And when they had to be removed for good… I cried, I mourned them, I felt like I had had a mastectomy. Because after 17 years they felt like my own breasts and they were gone. And then I felt all this guilt and self loathing because I had brought this upon myself. And as I lay in that hospital bed with my soul laid bare, I started the long road to my next and greatest mind shift. I AM ENOUGH.
Enter the mermaid phase. It washed over me like a tidal wave, a silicone tail being a healthier choice than the toxic titties. Freediving, skin diving, mermaid shows and the era of the hair extensions. God I felt beautiful as a mermaid, I still do. How I loved having long, thick, beautiful hair. And how sad I felt to let them go. And how surprising to realise I didn’t need those hair extensions either.
Que arthritis and swollen discs in my spine. Perfectly understandable after 17 years of pole dance fitness and the aerial arts. For so many years pole dance had made me feel beautiful, like a goddess spinning through the air. It fulfilled me in ways my marriage never could, a pure internal self love growing into a more confident and happy version of myself. But now life has other plans for me, or for my spine at least! It’s been difficult to accept these changes with grace, but I’m discovering new ways to embody the goddess within. So I’m spinning less and uplifting women in other ways. I’m sharing my many beautiful skills with my life coaching clients and we are rising together.
Perhaps I’m getting better with self acceptance, or dare I say self love, the hardest journey of all. I can feel I’m starting to step into the next phase of womanhood. From maiden to mother to wild woman. So although I might cling to my eyelash extensions a little longer, I’m enjoying embodying the wisdom that comes from experience, and focusing less on trying to look 35.
I still catch myself sometimes taking that sideways glance in the mirror whilst entangled in a yoga pose, registering the wrinkles with surprise and dismay. Caught off guard. Judging myself based on how I look, more unkind to myself than to my worst frenemies.
But each of these sheddings has shown me more of who I am, on the inside. Not defined by breasts or youth. Not defined by prettiness or people pleasing. But rather defined by who I am on the inside. Life is a process of becoming. Of shedding. Of death and rebirth. Of rising from the ashes. It’s up to us to define who we are and our value to the world. Take your power back. It was never theirs to hold.
I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.
I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.
If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.
They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.
Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.
They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.
They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.
Wasting your life.
Let that sink in.
There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.
There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.
And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.
If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.
Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.
Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.
I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.
The deflection (I’m so stressed).
The accusation (you are always upset with me)
The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).
The empty promises (I can change)
I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.
Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.
I called it committed.
I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.
I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.
But it became harder each time to bounce back.
It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.
Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.
Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.
Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.
Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.
He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.
There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.
Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.
And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.
He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.
So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.
Create new routines to take care of yourself.
Go to counseling.
You both will need to.
Practice self love.
Start a new hobby.
Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.
And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.
But you?
Stick to your standards.
You’re worth more than this.
Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.
You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.
Candice Baker Life Coach 