If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.
My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).
Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.
Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.
Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.
Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.
What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?
Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role. You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.
If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.
Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.
Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.
Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.
So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.
But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”. This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.
As a result you may experience:
Hormonal Changes: Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties. Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms: -Joint pain: Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis. -Fatigue: Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels. -Weight gain: Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation. -Mood changes and depression: Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:
I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause: -Diet: Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation. -Exercise: Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain. -Stress management: Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation. -Prioritize sleep: Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.
*I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓
*I offer meditation
*I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips
*I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.
I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body. Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me. I can help. WhatsApp 0833613255
Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.
We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?
There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.
But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?
If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then? From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.
Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex? Never? Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?
For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband. I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife. Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life. And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good. And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.
He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward. In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.
I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this; I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did. I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong. My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.
So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.
So here are some things I have learned along the way. *Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep. *Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal. *Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised. *Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet. *Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.
*No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours. *Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.
In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess. But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship. And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part. And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.
But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.
And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.
But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.
Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.
You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.
So here’s a hot tip 🔥 If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.
There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing…. But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?
Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?
What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?
You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?
Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.
When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?
If we should stay or go?
Persevere or cut and run?
This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember . But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.
And the crunch?
None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking? So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.
Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.
If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision. Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline. To walk away. To take back your energy. To re-evaluate our needs and priorities. To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall? Not everybody is for everyone. And time is not promised to anyone. So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.
Let me tell you something about the ageing process. It humbles you. That kick ass body that you always took for granted is suddenly bulging over your low rise jeans. Your beautiful mane of hair is thinning and your butt is beginning to sag. The wrinkles come out of nowhere and your hormones go out of whack. Yes, it’s a shit show after 45.
Or is it? This lifetime is a journey of becoming. Of personal growth, honing instincts and acquiring wisdom.
I have always been in the modeling and entertainment industry, where there is a heavy emphasis on how you look. But slowly life has been changing me, forcing me to look inwards to discover beauty.
It’s a process of shedding your skin. Some processes more painful than others. First it was the false nails, impossible to maintain in an aerial studio. And who needs them really?
Then it was the big 4 Oh! And along came the panic about getting older and a solid 5 year Botox binge. Enter the fantastical filler flirtation, both temporary and unsustainable, I dropped that particular obsession by 45. Are we not just prolonging the inevitable, afterall? Don’t get me wrong, there were days where I stared in the mirror before a date and regretted my divorce from injectibles. But I stood firm in the belief that I have more to offer than my face.
Photoshop was a fascinating distraction for a while, perfecting every tummy roll and blemish. And then realising it’s pretty toxic to present this fake version of perfection to the world. To set unrealistic standards for other women to loathe themselves by. And so I let that go too, deliberately posting images with the belly rolls and wrinkles, because let’s be real…we all have them.
Then came the biggie, the breast implant drama. After 17 years and 7 surgeries, I had to let them go. It was never smooth sailing, I had complications right from the start. Fluid running down my chest, swelling, and finally a rupture which filled my chest with silicone. One has to question a beauty aesthetic which requires women to slice open their chests, pry the muscle off their rib cage, and insert a pair of silicone bags in the name of beauty. But I bought into that idea big time. And when they had to be removed for good… I cried, I mourned them, I felt like I had had a mastectomy. Because after 17 years they felt like my own breasts and they were gone. And then I felt all this guilt and self loathing because I had brought this upon myself. And as I lay in that hospital bed with my soul laid bare, I started the long road to my next and greatest mind shift. I AM ENOUGH.
Enter the mermaid phase. It washed over me like a tidal wave, a silicone tail being a healthier choice than the toxic titties. Freediving, skin diving, mermaid shows and the era of the hair extensions. God I felt beautiful as a mermaid, I still do. How I loved having long, thick, beautiful hair. And how sad I felt to let them go. And how surprising to realise I didn’t need those hair extensions either.
Que arthritis and swollen discs in my spine. Perfectly understandable after 17 years of pole dance fitness and the aerial arts. For so many years pole dance had made me feel beautiful, like a goddess spinning through the air. It fulfilled me in ways my marriage never could, a pure internal self love growing into a more confident and happy version of myself. But now life has other plans for me, or for my spine at least! It’s been difficult to accept these changes with grace, but I’m discovering new ways to embody the goddess within. So I’m spinning less and uplifting women in other ways. I’m sharing my many beautiful skills with my life coaching clients and we are rising together.
Perhaps I’m getting better with self acceptance, or dare I say self love, the hardest journey of all. I can feel I’m starting to step into the next phase of womanhood. From maiden to mother to wild woman. So although I might cling to my eyelash extensions a little longer, I’m enjoying embodying the wisdom that comes from experience, and focusing less on trying to look 35.
I still catch myself sometimes taking that sideways glance in the mirror whilst entangled in a yoga pose, registering the wrinkles with surprise and dismay. Caught off guard. Judging myself based on how I look, more unkind to myself than to my worst frenemies.
But each of these sheddings has shown me more of who I am, on the inside. Not defined by breasts or youth. Not defined by prettiness or people pleasing. But rather defined by who I am on the inside. Life is a process of becoming. Of shedding. Of death and rebirth. Of rising from the ashes. It’s up to us to define who we are and our value to the world. Take your power back. It was never theirs to hold.
I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.
I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.
If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.
They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.
Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.
They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.
They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.
Wasting your life.
Let that sink in.
There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.
There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.
And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.
If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.
Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.
Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.
I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.
The deflection (I’m so stressed).
The accusation (you are always upset with me)
The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).
The empty promises (I can change)
I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.
Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.
I called it committed.
I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.
I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.
But it became harder each time to bounce back.
It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.
Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.
Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.
Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.
Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.
He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.
There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.
Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.
And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.
He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.
So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.
Create new routines to take care of yourself.
Go to counseling.
You both will need to.
Practice self love.
Start a new hobby.
Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.
And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.
But you?
Stick to your standards.
You’re worth more than this.
Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.
You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.
