Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: life

  • What Really Blows Your Hair Back?

    SO WHAT REALLY BLOWS YOUR HAIR BACK?

    What type of love are you looking for?
    The convenient type, where you need somebody to rebound on? The let’s-keep-it-casual-use-and-abuse kinda hookup?
    Or the mind blowing soul shaking head over heels ride of your life?

    Many people have asked me how to bag their guy or gal, and my answer is generally to be the most authentic version of you (otherwise you’ll run into problems when your halo slips, dear).
    The other thing is this: Focus on attracting your mate and not chasing them. Performance, sure, but being-your-authentic-self kinda performance. Play to your strengths, don’t just make shit up to impress. In fact, don’t upload your best pics onto Hinge, let’s keep it real so the dude actually recognises you when you meet for coffee!

    And then be honest with yourself before you start chasing somebody who is not asking you out, ladies.
    If he’s not asking you out, he’s not that into you. Sure you can ask him out, but if there is stalling, or ghosting after your big date, it’s time to move along, missy.

    If he’s not calling you, he is sending you a message all the same. He is not that into you. Or he’s a game player and you’ll never be sure where you stand with him. And that doesn’t sound like that soul shaking love that you are craving, now does it? More like a power play with Pina Colada flavoured condoms.

    So you got your hair did, fixed your lashes and skipped buying a new dress because your budget just went up in flames. You showed up to that date a thousand bucks poorer, and he asked you to split the bill? Let me tell you a secret, sweetheart… If he’s not romancing you, he’s not that into you. Why are you going all out to impress when he can’t even stick you for a Wimpy burger?

    Or maybe you’ve been dating a while and he’s not having sex with you like he used to? Well maybe his interest is lying elsewhere. Or perhaps he is so secure in his relationship with you that he decided he didn’t need to make an effort in the bedroom anymore? Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me! If intimacy isn’t replacing the romance, he’s got one foot out the door honey.

    And if he’s cheating, well read the above paragraph again, sis. Does he really think he has enough energy, or charm, to keep two women happy? Or is it only his own happiness that he is concerned about? Because let’s face it, you can skip from one honeymoon phase to the next, or juggle three at a time (no wonder he needs you to split the bill), or you can stay when things get tough and apply that same effort to your current relationship. And don’t get me started on the dishonesty, how do you build a strong foundation on lies?

    If you’re his drunken booty call, friends with benefits is probably all its ever gonna be, babe. If you’re starting off in friendship jail, chances are very slim that you’re in for an upgrade. So unless you’re down with being a placeholder, lose his number!

    So he’s not into marriage … Is that because he is a modern man who can still provide safety and security for the woman he loves, without the constraints of religion? Or is it because he’s an emotionally bankrupt manchild who needs you around for his dopamine hit and a speedy exit? But not for co-creating a life together? Hmm… Not so mysterious and lone wolf now, is he?

    If he breaks up (and then makes up) with you for the slightest issue, he’s not that into you hun. He is manipulating you to get his way, or just using you as a convenience. So if you’re wanting true love, one that can weather the storms and catch you when you fall, this ain’t it.

    So you had a perfect night out and an even better shag.. but now he seems to have lost your number? Disappearing on you is all the answer you need, queen. He no longer values you. It’s a tough one, but chasing after him will only make him drop his opinion of you further. It’s one of those double standards that women will experience in the dating game, and it’s totally rude and unfair. But no less true, so adjust your crown and book your yoni steam, because that one was a slave to the patriarchy.

    Or if he’s married or unavailable – he’s definitely not that into you in any meaningful way. Also, he’s not that into HER either. But plenty into himself, so perhaps it’s time to raise your standards and find someone who only has eyes for you. You are worth so much more than this, so call back your energy and invest it in your own happiness.

    And that brings me to the selfish jerk, you know, that guy who only has time for himself and only does what pleases him? Doesn’t sound like a future to me? Or perhaps a very lonely and unfilled one. With no quality time now and no common ground to share later.

    Or how about the one who becomes a bully when he doesn’t get his way… Please remember your wants and needs are important too. And if he is bullying you for sex, your sacred NO is more important than anything else. You don’t need to stand for bad behaviour or coersion. Stand in your power and don’t let the door hit him on the way out.

    And that brings me to the really big freak! Let’s face it, people get bored, and sometimes plain wierd when they get older, especially without a partner to keep them accountable. If he’s asking to share you with someone else, he’s not that into you. And if he’s trying to twist your arm to do some wierd sexual shit…just run, hun. You never have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. So if toe sucking isn’t your thing, send him off to fetish.com and be done with him. (Yes, it’s a real dating site, no I don’t have a problem with it.) Not everyone is compatible where it counts the most. So that’s a great way to find your kinky match without making your vanilla partner squirm in her boots, dude. Because that kind of pressure is just not cool.

    So if it’s lip trembling, knee shaking, soul affirming love you’re after, take a good look at what you’re putting out there. Attract your mate to the qualities you naturally possess and cut out the fake. And then keep your standards high, know your worth and don’t accept anything less.

    I am a Holistic Life Coach, Relationship Coach and Wellness Coach based in Joburg, SA. I specialise in working with women, empowering them to reach their wildest potential. Whether it’s insight into your love life or a personal wellness goal you need to reach, I’m there for you every step of the way. And if your a guy, you’re welcome too 😊

    WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Sleeping With The Enemy

    SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

    Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause.
    CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash.
    So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way.
    Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships.
    What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too.
    With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely.
    It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.

    With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty.
    When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode.
    Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night.
    Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image.
    You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.

    In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.

    So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.

    Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.

    And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.

    So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation.
    You deserve more.
    You are worthy.
    You are enough.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Does This Image Trigger You?

    DOES THIS IMAGE TRIGGER YOU?

    Ladies, my posts are for YOU. I spend a good amount of time deleting any unwanted male energy from my profile.
    So why the sexy images? If you are triggered by these, let me tell you my story.

    I was an awkward child, shy and without many friends. If my one and only friend skipped primary school, I would sit alone at break and read my book. I still love reading today, and it has made my journey as an author so much easier too

    When I got to high school, I decided a re-brand was in order. I forced myself to come out of my shell, I made as many friends as I could, and I learned how to speak to boys.
    And you know what happened? The boys liked me too much, and the girls became competitive, bitchy, insecure (let’s face it). Rumours, accusations, even threats of physical violence. Jeez I hated high school! Women are taught at a young age to hate on other women, to slut shame other women, simply because some dude thinks they are pretty or interesting.

    I started modelling at 16, mostly to improve my self esteem. My parents did not understand what I was trying to do, “fake it till you make it”, ya know what I mean? So they weren’t very supportive and there was a lot of criticism. My mother would continually tell me that beauty comes from inside. And she was right, of course, in her own way. At the end of the day we need to focus on our inner selves as well. Find a balance, and the path to self appreciation.

    But here’s the thing, I got the psychology degree, the 2 kids, the divorce because I didn’t play small. I got the life coaching diploma, the pole dancing studio, the yoga qualifications.
    As women we need to come back to wholeness. To self love. To balance.
    Integrating the yin and the yang. Pole dance and burlesque really helped me with self love and appreciation. The kind you can’t get from the outside. From your bored husband or your wandering boyfriend.
    Yes, beauty is on the inside, and learning self love is the greatest journey you will ever embark on.
    But woman have been taught to suppress their sensuality, their goddess energy. To bow under the judgement of others and douse their inner fire.

    Even as an adult, there is pressure to play it down. But being a safe woman does not mean being a small woman. Be out there, by all means, just don’t take someone else’s husband along for the ride!
    And ladies, we are here to support each other and Iift each other up. There should not be competition between strong, or wild women. This woman does not need your man. And let’s be real here for a second. You cannot steal a man who is not willing to be stolen, unless you brought your cable ties and duct tape.

    Women are not just maidens, mothers, whores, crones. We are ALL of these things. And to be a highly functioning woman, a fully integrated embodiment of the divine feminine, we need to embrace all of these aspects of ourselves. Honour our bodies and our needs in a relationship that sees us in all our aspects, or in our sovereign single state.

    So if my posts are provoking an uncomfortable reaction in you, perhaps we could chat about how to integrate these more sensual aspects into your psyche. How to embrace all that you can be, and stop playing small. You are not just somebody’s girlfriend, somebody mother. You are not a washed up ok crone. You are an enchantress, a goddess full of life and love. Do not apologise for your roar, lioness.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach. You can book a session on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Social Media Mania

    SOCIAL MEDIA MANIA

    So my partner and I have had a few ‘discussions’ about this….some calmer than others!
    Some people are not into social media, which can be a problem if one partner is.
    Your partner might not understand why you are on your phone so much, but it’s not necessarily doom scrolling.
    Sometimes it’s marketing, or content creation. Or selecting a playlist or googling an article.
    But if your partner has a different kind of job, one that ends at 5pm, or one where they are not internet based, they might not understand what you are doing on there all the time!
    It doesn’t mean you are addicted to your phone, as many things can be operated from there.
    So it’s important to set boundaries with social media, for example no phones after dinner. Your clients can wait till office hours, it’s a healthy boundary to set.
    Or offer a quick explanation, for example, I’m checking my bank balance so I can recharge the prepaid meter. This should minimise the annoyance your partner might feel about your screen time, imagining you are scrolling rather than spending time with them.

    Also, social media breeds comparison, it sets impossible standards that are not real.
    For example, I get embarassed when I do a birthday post or a gratitude post for my partner when he doesn’t respond. What will people think, is this a one sided relationship?
    But the truth is he is not on social media much, so I have to tell him to go and look at what I wrote.
    And if he wants to show me his appreciation he will make me something with his hands, or show up with a chocolate.

    Social media is the equivalent of public displays of affection, which we all crave, but that doesn’t make it real, it can be quite the opposite in fact!
    You see people gushing over their partner and separated the next day. Its performance and not reality.

    So set some rules of engagement, some healthy boundaries, and communicate more. It will go a long way in your relationship.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Wedding Vows & Making It Last

    Image by XOXO Photography, Tam & Lancelot

    WEDDING VOWS AND MAKING IT LAST

    There is nothing quite like watching your daughter getting married.
    Tam and Lance setting off on the adventure of a lifetime after a year of living in different countries.

    Witnessing the hope, the purity, the love between them is both humbling and inspiring.

    Just imagine if we could keep that feeling forever.
    Beyond the oxytocin
    Beyond the chemistry
    Beyond the storms

    The good news is that you possibly can.
    Most relationships suffer from basic maintenance.
    You know how he used to buy flowers and you used to tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world?

    But then you both got busy,
    Kids, work, family stuff.
    And then suddenly you are wondering when the flame went out?
    Why you’re both unfulfilled?

    Try a little bit of daily maintenance…

    The coffee in bed, the lingering kiss, the 20 second hug when you walk in the door.
    Small things, holding her hands or resting yours on her lower back
    Cooking a favourite meal
    Date night
    All the little things you did naturally in the beginning.
    ❤️
    My wish for you is a lifetime of love and happiness. May your infinity knot stay forever tied Lance & Tam

  • Red Ridinghood & The Wolf

    Model: Candice Storm, Photographer: Mark Greenslade

    RED RIDING HOOD AND THE WOLF
    Just because he is pursuing you, doesn’t mean he deserves to have you, ladies. We’ve been taught that our value lies in being wanted, to be flattered by being noticed, that being chased means being chosen. But sometimes being chosen just means being used. Afterall, who is doing the choosing? Do you really want him, or do you just want to be wanted? Not everyone who chases you is for you, or even good for you, and people have their own agendas. Some men will choose you to fulfil their needs, to extract your feminine essence from you. While others might choose you to uplift and worship you, and it’s not always easy to see the difference at the outset.

    We’ve all done it. Started a relationship with somebody because it felt so great to feel chosen. But then you have a huge rupture in that relationship because of something he has done and he says, “at least I don’t cheat on you.” (Insert here that amazing thing you are supposed to be grateful for). And for a moment we are grateful for this. But why?
    Why the need for excuses to justify that he is actually such a great guy, despite the fact that he…..?
    Maybe if you’re having to talk yourself into this situationship there could be a red flag (or two) that you’re determined to ignore? To stay in your comfort zone, perhaps?

    So let’s break this down.
    This dude wants you to overlook his toxic behaviour, or maybe his abuse, or perhaps it’s alcoholism, or narcissistic rage…because he knows how to keep his dick in his pants? So we’re all good here?

    Um, ok, so you can insult your partner, attack her, bully her, be a complete waste of space, but she should be grateful to have you because you haven’t been shagging someone else behind her back?
    Or perhaps because no other woman in her right mind would take home such a specimen? And in return for your awesome fidelity she should be your mother, your therapist, your wife, your tantrika? What a great trade off (for YOU, mister)!

    Dear women of the world, please do not settle for this emotional blackmail. Just because he is faithful does not mean he is a good guy. Or that he is even nearly good enough for you.
    You deserve someone who is faithful AND treats you well. Someone who is reliable and provides safety for your weary heart. Your relationship is not a multiple choice test with only one right answer.

    You deserve someone who takes you away for a romantic weekend because they love you, not because they owe you an apology.
    You deserve someone who you can take to your fancy event, or a family lunch with the confidence that they know how to be sober and make you proud.
    The man who will buy you a special gift because you mean the world to him, not the guy who is using his wallet to manipulate you.

    And as for that one who wants to finance a set of double D’s and keeps bringing it up every time you get naked? Well ain’t that just the gift that tells you how sub-standard you are? What a generous guy, please feel free to kick him to the kerb, sis. You are beautiful and worthy and not in need of any further enhancements to suit his tastes, even if he does look like Brad Pitt.

    There are many things that a woman should be grateful for in her relationship, but the fact that he does not beat you up isn’t one of them. You do not have to be grateful for fidelity, or peace, or sobriety.
    These things are a given, they are to be expected and appreciated and returned in kind.

    Now I’m not saying you need to run out the door without regard to your personal safety or the means to feed your children.
    But what I am saying is please stop selling yourself short, today. Take small steps if you have to. Start a gratitude journal celebrating your own charms, romanticise your life, learn how to make yourself feel great, so that you’re not hanging on every word that comes out of his damn mouth. Start formulating a way to improve your relationship, or an exit plan if need be.

    Set some stronger boundaries and call him out on his bullshit, because you deserve a real man. One who provides love and safety and support. Someone who is all in, and wants to build a future with you. Nothing less is worthy of your mind, body and soul.

    Remove the blinkers and ask yourself if you are really lucky to have him, or are you just settling?
    No more kissing frogs, take off that cloak and show the world what you’re made of. An incarnation of the divine feminine, the creator of life and the deepest source of love and sensuality.
    Perhaps it’s time to join the thousands of women who are going boy sober. Not because they can’t get a guy, but because they are waiting for the worthy guy.
    I’ll say it again…it’s not your job to sit around looking pretty and taking shit from some dude. You are worthy of so much more.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. If you need to be reminded how amazing you are, you can WhatsApp me to book an appointment. 0833613255

  • Kicking The Habit

    KICKING THE HABIT
    Research has shown that addictions need to be looked at sociologically. Building strong and positive relationships and having an enriching environment will be the medicine you need to kick the habit. It’s a journey, and you need to focus on the process of working through the stages rather than judging yourself based on outcomes.

    There are some tried and tested steps that can help you towards recovery. Most importantly, ask for help. Reach out to a friend or somebody you admire. Join an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (they can help you with gambling and drug addictions too), or find a sharing circle. And if this is happening to somebody you love, you can get support too. (I’ll cover this in my next article).

    Step 1: Honesty
    Addiction causes a level of denial that can be quite challenging for onlookers to believe. No matter how much people push someone into recovery, unless they accept that there’s a problem, overcoming it is almost impossible. You’ll need to be honest with yourself about the level of your dependence on substances, and what lengths you’re willing to go to to get a fix. Not everybody can drink responsibly. You’ll need to admit that you are powerless over drugs or alcohol. Once you admit that it’s in control of you and not the other way around, you can get started.

    Step 2: Faith
    Figure out your WHY
    Why did you become addicted.
    WHY do you need to change your behaviour?
    WHY do you need to turn your life around?

    If you are able to accept that there is a higher power in the universe, this can help keep you on track. If you want God, or any higher power, to act on your behalf, it’s imperative that you believe it can. Accepting a higher power helps you to see life from a different perspective and creates a sense of accountability.

    If you are an atheist or agnostic, learn about other philosophies such as stoicism or Buddhism, or find a person who can guide you and hold you accountable. Accountability is key.

    Step 3: Surrender
    Welcome a higher power into your life by surrendering fully to a higher purpose. When people feel like their lives lack purpose and meaning, free will can run wild and lead you down dark pathways.
    Choosing a higher purpose helps you focus on the true meaning within your life so you can feel like a valuable member of society again. You could pick a charity, join a rotary club or get involved in some community work.

    Step 4: Soul Searching
    Soul searching is a process, just like recovery. There is no single moment that defines healing. Instead, it’s a culmination of intentions and actions that lead you down the right path. Soul searching involves looking objectively inwards at yourself.
    When we’re caught up in addiction, our intentions can end up severely misaligned from how we behave. Most people have good intentions, that can get lost as your addiction interferes. Soul searching will help you become the person you want to be.

    Step 5: Integrity
    Most of the people who don’t succeed in recovery struggle most with this step. One of the hardest things in life is being honest about things that make us appear vulnerable in front of other people. However, the more you learn to speak your truth, unfiltered, the more you’ll get from the recovery process. Accept that expressing your feelings is normal, and that honesty about setbacks and negative thoughts have a better chance of being conquered if you share them.

    Step 6: Acceptance
    Addiction is often underpinned by low self-esteem and a negative opinion of yourself. Once you learn to accept that everyone has both good traits and bad characteristics, it’ll be easier to accept yourself.
    Sometimes, the hardest aspect of acceptance is letting go of the painful stories we tell ourselves about the past. Forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done may get to the root of the addicition. Once you accept your history, you can start telling yourself new, happy stories about your future. Focusing on moving forward, setting goals and obtaining the skills necessary to achieve them will keep you on the right path, and you’ll be free of addiction for good.

    Step 7: Humility
    Antisocial behavior, such as using drugs or withdrawing from peers, often stems from a confused sense of self. Be humble, be open and willing to accept help. Take an interest in the people around you and accept help from them. Thank about it, don’t let pride stand in the way of your recovery. The more people you have in your corner, the easier it will be to stay on track. Being an addict might feel embarassing, but people are more understanding than you think. Taking the wrong actions as a result of your addiction is a lot more embarassing, you’ll need help to keep you from messing up. When you let go and ask for help, you relieve a huge weight of pressure from your life. Whether it’s your religion or cultivating a supportive friend group, learn to lean in. There is no shame in receiving support on your journey.

    Step 8: Willingness to make amends
    Write a list of the people you’ve harmed and ponder carefully over your past actions. Instead of feeling guilty or wallowing in emotion, think of ideas to make amends. Rather than seeing this as a check-box exercise, genuinely show a willingness to repair the relationships you have broken. Take positive steps to connect with these people, say sorry, and explain the journey you have undertaken.

    Step 9: Forgiveness
    If there are people in your past who have caused you pain or trauma or hurt you in any way, now is the time to let go. Resentment isn’t constructive for the mind. In fact, it breeds the type of feelings that make you more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol. Letting go of bad feelings — even if they’re aimed at people who do bad things — frees the soul. You could have a conversation with these people, write them a letter, even burn it rather than post it. Whatever works to get those feelings out in the open and stop spiralling inwards with these negative emotions.

    Step 10: Maintenance
    Quitting an addiction is a long game. Throughout the entire process, you’ll be required to check back with yourself. Be totally honest with yourself about progress so that you can move forward. Remind yourself of your WHY, to help you stay on track. Look at your past slip-ups and put processes in place to make sure you don’t get caught again. Build a strategy that works for you.

    Step 11: Making Contact
    Reach out to your higher power to find out what it’s purpose for you is. Or connect to your inner God/ Goddess and feel into what your calling could be. Everyone has a gift in life; no matter what it is, there’s something you can offer the world. When you’re working toward this purpose is when you’ll feel happiest.

    Step 12: Service
    Service is all about action. This stage is about giving back. For the rest of your life, apply everything you have learned on this journey to help you build a brighter future for yourself. Help others, take somebody under your wing, serve and protect your family and friends. Mentor someone, uplift someone, share your gifts with the world. Building strong morals and supporting those around you will make you a pillar of strength in your family, friend group or community.

    When I was studying psychology, I spent time volunteering at alcohol rehab clinics, assisting in the group therapy. I learned so many things in that time.
    At the end of the day, the only way to quit a habit is to QUIT. For once and for all, QUIT. No more excuses or bargaining. Stand resolute in your decision.
    This is your time to shine, to feel gratitude to those who have traveled with you through your darkest moments, and to give back. Show them what you are made of and stick to your chosen course through this life. It’s your life, and it’s time to move forward and embrace all the positive experiences that you will create through this process.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach.
    You can send me a WhatsApp to book a session on 0833613255

  • The 90 Day Hiatus

    Model: Candice Storm, Snowflake editions

    THE 90 DAY HIATUS
    There is power in reclaiming your space, reclaiming your body, reclaiming your energy.
    There is power in creating the space to reflect and to heal.

    Sometimes, the only way to heal from a rupture is to remove yourself from the triggers. If somebody hurts you, there is this remembrance in your body that will react to the little things that they do, the little reminders of the hurt they caused. This is your body’s response to the trauma. Your body trying to protect you. So you might find yourself in full fight or flight mode over something relatively small, something that’s pointing towards a recurrence of that hurt.
    While you are trying to heal, every tiny incident is going to take you right back there. A setback, but also a form of processing. It might be upsetting, but its completely normal. You will experience high levels of stress and panic, reliving the way the incident made you feel. Your mind is processing and your body is feeling it as if it is real, and on repeat.

    The truth is that if your partner loves you and knows they have caused you pain, they should take steps to shield you from these triggers. A previously unfaithful man should take care not to make comments on other woman’s bodies or lock his phone, for example. An alcoholic talking about booze may send his partner into a distressing spiral, making her re-live the last nasty incident and instantly feeling unsafe.
    If they value the relationship more than their addiction or destructive needs, they need to refrain from saying and doing even small things, because you will be hypersensitive and on high alert for quite some time.
    Holding your breath everytime he speaks, being watchful, walking on egg shells can feel like sleeping with the enemy.

    An unfaithful partner is no longer connected to you, an addict is bringing a third person (or energy) into the relationship too. So while you are advocating for healing and protection, he is hearing nagging, whining, accusing you of being controlling. But the issue is their lack of control. He is so involved in this other energetic intruder that he cannot feel the depth of your despair, hurt, or rage. Your emotional, physical, mental and somatic distress is lost on them, they are emotionally bound to somebody or something else. Obsession sweeping everything else under the rug.

    Yes, you can learn how to manage your reactions with yoga and breathwork, I’ve written about PTSD before. But if he is going to continue to drip feed the trauma and find every loophole, you are going to continue spiralling. It can take a woman two years to recover from trauma, and that’s a single incident. An emotional trauma might be invisible, but it’s the somatic equivalent of a train wreck. Add in some repeat offences and you’re off on an epic healing journey of many years. If a man cannot show up for his own emotional needs, using women or weed to sooth himself, he will struggle to show up to help co-regulate yours. (Of course this can be the other way around too).

    So how do you get out of the loop? The answer is that space might be the ultimate healing tool for your journey towards mental health. Take your power back to heal yourself.
    Limit your exposure to the triggers. Especially if there have been multiple traumas, your I’m -not-safe beacons will be ablaze. Take time and space to reflect, to recalibrate, to grow.
    Your nervous system will begin to regulate outside of the influences that were distressing you.
    You will experience a settling. Of insight, of calm, of clarity.
    You will be able to invest your energy into yourself, pour it into your healing, your hobbies, your projects.
    When you pull your energy back to yourself you will start a growth cycle that is exponential.
    You will start to feed your soul and your soul will start to nourish you back.

    In the context of a relationship, it’s a win win. Both parties getting the time to reflect, to invest in themselves, to regulate their nervous systems. For him (or her) to learn self soothing and healthy coping patterns.
    To choose differently, design a way forward consciously. With each other or perhaps without.

    90 days in the context of a lifetime is well worth the time, and can bring massive rewards with very little time invested, in the grand scheme of things.
    It can allow the breaking of old, destructive patterns, and shift thought processes into a healthier space.
    You can create a regulated somatic state, without another person drawing on the energy you are generating.
    A state where you are not longer highly reactive, and can navigate challenges with more calm and detachment.
    You can release trauma and gain self awareness, as well as greater insight into your situation.
    It’s not a luxury, sometimes it’s a necessity.
    When it comes to re-wiring your brain, there is magic in the 90 day journey.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach.
    WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Goddess Rising

    GODDESS RISING

    Today I was asked an interesting question. As I blend psychology, sensuality and woman empowerment into my coaching practice, what unexpected breakthroughs have I watched unfold?

    I often find the women who try my programs don’t fit into any specific box. Often it’s a break up, and they are looking to reclaim their bodies and minds. It’s very gratifying to watch the process as their confidence returns.
    Also, the types of women who are drawn to my programs are very diverse, from doctors to teenagers to retired ladies, it’s truly amazing to realise you cannot put women into a box. Yes, you can be a lawyer or a housewife and still feel hot AF when you attend a goddess styled workshop. I’m talking burlesque, pole dance, air yoga, mermaiding. There are so many fun and beautiful ways to connect with your inner goddess. Your wild woman, your enchantress.

    As for unexpected breakthroughs…We’ve had a few unexpected pregnancies! Working with the goddess frequencies, the sacral Chakra, the divine feminine can activate your fertility too. Women are the creators of life, we embody the divine feminine, so watch out!

    It’s not just a dance class, or a quick coaching session. Change will be a beautiful outcome, but the process can also be messy. Challenging your self limiting beliefs, and shedding what no longer serves you. But also, as a woman grows she might outgrow existing relationships which can be bitter sweet.
    Letting go can be one of the hardest challenges you will face, but one of the most rewarding when you are out the other side.

    I am a Life Coach and Wellness Coach, you can book a session with me via WhatsApp 0833613255

  • The Slut Phase

    Model: Candice Storm, Photographer Alan Perring

    THE SLUT PHASE

    You know, you really gotta love the way society vilifies a woman who is exploring her sexuality. I mean, nobody calls out men for sleeping around after a divorce, at least not in a derogatory way. It’s feels like her body is public property, and everyone takes it personally when she chooses to have a casual sexual encounter. The slut phase, or hoe phase, charmingly refers to those times when a woman emerges from a break up and spends some time experimenting with other sexual partners.

    So let’s unpack this a little.

    Firstly, the rebound.
    You survived your last relationship, or perhaps limped out of there with your heart in pieces and your halo bent and twisted. Your womb a sexual desert and your mind full of the rejection you felt after all those nights lying next to a partner who was no longer connected with you. I’m talking mind, body, soul connection. There is nothing quite as lonely as lying in bed with somebody who no longer sees you, or even worse, is seeing somebody else.

    So you pick up your pride and your pantihose, and you sneak out in the middle of the night. Or perhaps there was the big showdown, the one where they tell you what they really think of you, no holds barred. So you cry and lick your wounds, painfully aware that you need more, that you are worth more.

    And then in search of presence, you find yourself settling for performance instead. Your womb rejoices at being chosen again, your body rides the oxytocin train, and you feel wanted, sexy and sexually liberated. And there is nothing wrong with this phase, it can form a vital part of your healing process. You embrace your sexual autonomy and elect to enjoy sex just because it feels good and uncomplicated. You get to rediscover your sexual identity after years of compromise, or you want to explore what your needs and wants are after settling too soon with your high school sweetheart. It’s less about being with other people, and more about being with yourself in different contexts.
    Free from the constraints of your relationship, you may discover certain dormant parts of yourself re-emerging as you let go of certain roles, such as the ‘responsible partner’, or ‘handbrake’. But just don’t stay there for too long, sweetheart, because outer validation can start feeling like a different kind of loneliness when you wake up alone, the sheets still warm from your last blistering encounter.
    You might start to feel like you have abandoned your value to seek sexual attention and the illusion of love. And enmeshing your creative life force with unworthy men can start to seem like a risk to your peace of mind and your energy field.
    Your body deserves to be more than a vessel for revenge, for proving how quickly you could replace him.
    The best way to get over somebody is not to get under somebody. So take care not to get emotionally attached because your ovaries are screaming for a new baby daddy, because you might just be emotionally abandoning yourself in this quest for empty pleasure.
    Enjoy the fun and adventures for a while if a distraction is what you need, and be wary of the health risks while you’re at it, but there is still work to be done to avoid replaying the same old toxic patterns. The ones you bravely but just barely managed to tear yourself away from last time you escaped your relationship wreck.
    Casual sex is a coping method, and it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partners during this phase. It shouldn’t be a substitute for processing your divorce, rather view it as just a component of your healing journey.

    Then comes the assimilation phase, the time where you (hopefully) settle down into your single life for a while. Unpack those emotional bags and air out the dirty laundry. This is the phase where the self work begins.
    It’s important to take this time to re-evaluate your life, your choices. To do some soul searching. Afterall, you are no longer the same person you were before your last relationship disaster. You have shrunk yourself to fit into someone else’s life, you have doubted your value, you have tried and failed and tried again. You have experienced life lessons, and now is the time to learn from them. To build yourself up. To figure out what you really want, not just chase after the next dude because he is the opposite of your ex.
    And this is the phase that takes time. It takes soul searching, it takes inward journeying, it takes tears. It takes self love.

    But if you can do this without skipping blindly into the next situationship? You will enter the reclamation phase. You will emerge like a butterfly from your chrysalis, with beautiful new wings. You will be crystal clear on your hopes and dreams, and pursue them fearlessly without falling into someone else’s. You will avoid the honey traps that await you, and wait for something better, something more meaningful, more fulfilling.
    Hell, you will create something more beautiful all by yourself. And once you have done this, you will attract your new partner, not chase him. Someone who is aligned with your values and truly sees you for who you are, because you know and love yourself.

    So have your fun if that’s what you need to do, release any shame that might be attached to your sexual revolution, and then come back to your authentic self. Divorce is not a failure, it’s an opportunity to build something better this time.

    I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can book an appointment via WhatsApp 0833613255.