Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: Healing

  • The Slut Phase

    Model: Candice Storm, Photographer Alan Perring

    THE SLUT PHASE

    You know, you really gotta love the way society vilifies a woman who is exploring her sexuality. I mean, nobody calls out men for sleeping around after a divorce, at least not in a derogatory way. It’s feels like her body is public property, and everyone takes it personally when she chooses to have a casual sexual encounter. The slut phase, or hoe phase, charmingly refers to those times when a woman emerges from a break up and spends some time experimenting with other sexual partners.

    So let’s unpack this a little.

    Firstly, the rebound.
    You survived your last relationship, or perhaps limped out of there with your heart in pieces and your halo bent and twisted. Your womb a sexual desert and your mind full of the rejection you felt after all those nights lying next to a partner who was no longer connected with you. I’m talking mind, body, soul connection. There is nothing quite as lonely as lying in bed with somebody who no longer sees you, or even worse, is seeing somebody else.

    So you pick up your pride and your pantihose, and you sneak out in the middle of the night. Or perhaps there was the big showdown, the one where they tell you what they really think of you, no holds barred. So you cry and lick your wounds, painfully aware that you need more, that you are worth more.

    And then in search of presence, you find yourself settling for performance instead. Your womb rejoices at being chosen again, your body rides the oxytocin train, and you feel wanted, sexy and sexually liberated. And there is nothing wrong with this phase, it can form a vital part of your healing process. You embrace your sexual autonomy and elect to enjoy sex just because it feels good and uncomplicated. You get to rediscover your sexual identity after years of compromise, or you want to explore what your needs and wants are after settling too soon with your high school sweetheart. It’s less about being with other people, and more about being with yourself in different contexts.
    Free from the constraints of your relationship, you may discover certain dormant parts of yourself re-emerging as you let go of certain roles, such as the ‘responsible partner’, or ‘handbrake’. But just don’t stay there for too long, sweetheart, because outer validation can start feeling like a different kind of loneliness when you wake up alone, the sheets still warm from your last blistering encounter.
    You might start to feel like you have abandoned your value to seek sexual attention and the illusion of love. And enmeshing your creative life force with unworthy men can start to seem like a risk to your peace of mind and your energy field.
    Your body deserves to be more than a vessel for revenge, for proving how quickly you could replace him.
    The best way to get over somebody is not to get under somebody. So take care not to get emotionally attached because your ovaries are screaming for a new baby daddy, because you might just be emotionally abandoning yourself in this quest for empty pleasure.
    Enjoy the fun and adventures for a while if a distraction is what you need, and be wary of the health risks while you’re at it, but there is still work to be done to avoid replaying the same old toxic patterns. The ones you bravely but just barely managed to tear yourself away from last time you escaped your relationship wreck.
    Casual sex is a coping method, and it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partners during this phase. It shouldn’t be a substitute for processing your divorce, rather view it as just a component of your healing journey.

    Then comes the assimilation phase, the time where you (hopefully) settle down into your single life for a while. Unpack those emotional bags and air out the dirty laundry. This is the phase where the self work begins.
    It’s important to take this time to re-evaluate your life, your choices. To do some soul searching. Afterall, you are no longer the same person you were before your last relationship disaster. You have shrunk yourself to fit into someone else’s life, you have doubted your value, you have tried and failed and tried again. You have experienced life lessons, and now is the time to learn from them. To build yourself up. To figure out what you really want, not just chase after the next dude because he is the opposite of your ex.
    And this is the phase that takes time. It takes soul searching, it takes inward journeying, it takes tears. It takes self love.

    But if you can do this without skipping blindly into the next situationship? You will enter the reclamation phase. You will emerge like a butterfly from your chrysalis, with beautiful new wings. You will be crystal clear on your hopes and dreams, and pursue them fearlessly without falling into someone else’s. You will avoid the honey traps that await you, and wait for something better, something more meaningful, more fulfilling.
    Hell, you will create something more beautiful all by yourself. And once you have done this, you will attract your new partner, not chase him. Someone who is aligned with your values and truly sees you for who you are, because you know and love yourself.

    So have your fun if that’s what you need to do, release any shame that might be attached to your sexual revolution, and then come back to your authentic self. Divorce is not a failure, it’s an opportunity to build something better this time.

    I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can book an appointment via WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • Are You Pouting Or People Pleasing?

    Image by Emil Wessels, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU POUTING OR PEOPLE PLEASING?

    The first step towards self confidence is not being afraid to be ugly or disliked. Nobody is perfect, so stop trying to be. Focus on your strengths, not your perceived imperfections, and watch your life bloom. Water your own garden and stop weeding for others.
    Once you get over the fear of being seen as ugly or unpopular and stop equating beauty with other good things in life (friends, love, happiness) it’s a lot easier to love yourself unconditionally.

    Beauty is an inside job, and our exterior should amplify these qualities. You do not have to be pretty to receive love. You do not have to swallow your words or your pride to be accepted. You will never be too much in the right company. So take a course, book a holiday, travel solo, invest in yourself. Don’t worry so much about your itty bitty titties or those wrinkles gathering around your eyes.

    Because guess what ? Your looks will fade, sis, it’s inevitable. Botox at 40 might be beautiful, but it still looks like Botox at 40. And those partners who only saw your beauty as skin deep will fade away as your body begins to age. Those people you worked so hard to people please? Gone as soon as you put your foot down and show the authentic you. So learn to see those smile lines as the result of a life well lived. Those frown lines as the proof of wisdom gained through experience.

    Your job is not to sit around taking shit and being easy on the eye.
    Your job is to do exactly what fills your heart and soul with happiness, and look however you want whilst doing it.

    I once got told I look ugly when I cry. Imagine being expected to be visually pleasing while your heart is breaking? I guess I missed that class in school…you know, the one where they take all the girls aside and teach them to sob prettily into a handkerchief? So that guy had to go!
    My advice is this:

    Don’t hide how you feel to make other people more comfortable.

    Wear that dress

    Say the thing that’s been on your mind

    Be wild

    Be unconventional

    Be unapologetic about the passions that course through your veins

    Cultivate boundaries like a motherf*cker.

    You only get this one shot to live this life.
    So live it to the full.
    Live it with authenticity.
    Find your soul’s tribe and to hell with the rest.
    Carpe Diem bitches.

  • Thinking Out Of The Bra!

    Image by Ken Lovell, Model Candice Storm

    THINKING OUT OF THE BRA!

    You get many expressions of feminism, from the burn-the-bra and grow-your-armpit-hair types, to the my-body-my-rules point of view. Women have been claiming their sovereignty back since the 60’s, and sometimes I wonder if fun got left behind with it! When did things get so serious? Why did society need to push women to the point of being on guard, on the defensive all the time?

    There are so many issues around woman’s bodies and breasts. Most notably that ‘breasts are for babies’ and ‘breasts are for breastfeeding’. And I agree 100 percent with these statements, having breast fed 2 beautiful children of my own. But more importantly breasts belong to the woman they are attached to! They are not public property or available for comment and comparison. All sizes are good sizes!
    So when it comes to being a breast fan, I’m not talking about modifying your boobs to impress a partner or flashing them on Only Fans.
    I’m talking about healing our relationship with our breasts. Coming back into balance.

    I once felt that I needed breast implants to complete my ‘look’ and it turned out they were not for me. My body rejected them from day one and I spent years struggling with the complications and my own health. And boy oh boy was removing them a trauma! It felt like losing my own breasts, like a mastectomy of sorts. Our society has created so much body dysmorphia in the eyes of men and the minds of women surrounding breasts. What is the ideal shape, the ideal size? How can we alter the appearance of our breasts to be more sexually or visually appealing? Do we draw the line at a push up bra, breast implants or just burning that bra entirely?


    Social media expects women to look a certain way, and then to change completely with the next trend. Yet we are not the same, we are all unique and each body type has it’s own charms. Perhaps we need to heal the perception of what a natural breast actually looks like?
    Afterall, you don’t see men rushing off to cut open their balls and install some large fake clangers, or at least not very often?

    Through all of this, we as woman need to learn to love and appreciate ourselves for who we are, to not be defined by our breasts, and to be body positive about our own shape.

    And sometimes, if we can learn to truly appreciate who we are on the other side of trauma and healing, there lies a whole lot of fun and freedom! Afterall, the more you focus on trauma, the more you will feel the trauma. But don’t unpack your bags and stay there, do the work and move forward.
    How would you make love if you weren’t worried about your appearance? If you didn’t feel the need to turn off the lights? How would you feel about your body if you could let go of the negative experiences and toxic thought processes?


    There is value in a sensual celebration of what it means to be woman, a woman not defined by her breasts but able to enjoy being in her own skin. Being a woman free to express herself as she wishes without fear of judgement or unwanted advances. A woman free to be her wild and unapologetic self. Not for money, not to impress anybody, but just to embody the goddess she was intended to be.

    At the end of the day, working on the relationship you have with yourself will be the most important journey you will ever travel.
    It’s time to sign up for that pole dancing class, it might just be the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on!
    Learn some titillating tata twirling, why wouldn’t you? Embracing your sensual side is a reclamation, you’re so much more than a mother or a badass business woman. You are a wonder of nature, a creator of life and a feral enchantress in your own right.

    So love your body for what she does for you today, give her what she needs to feel safe, and please don’t base your self worth on the size of your ‘assets’. Choose happiness, choose self expression, choose balance between the goddess, the mother, career woman, the enchantress. Embrace the shadows and the light, the yin and the yang, because taking a deep breath and surrendering into who you truly are is the ultimate freedom. You don’t need permission, and anything else is just manifesting your fear of judgement and shame. They have no place in the psyche of the embodied wild woman.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach, you can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • Are You The Prize Or The Prey?

    Image by Tanya Borchers, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU THE PRIZE OR THE PREY?

    A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.

    We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.

    Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?

    In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery.
    So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.

    Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner?
    Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.

    The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.

    You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.

    Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)

    The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play.
    This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation).
    You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).

    The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.

    In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.

    Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.

    And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.

    And if you’re the the prey?
    You’re the one who is emotionally vulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions.
    You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession?
    And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.

    It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe.
    Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse.
    Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.

    And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.”
    And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself.
    This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma.
    A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart.
    So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.

    Whatsapp 0833613255

  • Toxic Love & Losing Yourself

    TOXIC LOVE & LOSING YOURSELF

    If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.

    My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).

    Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.

    Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.

    Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.

    Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.

    What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?

    Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role.
    You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.

    If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.

    Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.

    Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.

    WhatsApp 0833613255
    Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach

  • When Menopause Hijacked My Body

    WHEN MENOPAUSE HIJACKED MY BODY

    Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.

    Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.

    So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.

    But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”.
    This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.

    As a result you may experience:

    1. Hormonal Changes:
      Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties.
      Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
    2. Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms:
      -Joint pain:
      Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis.
      -Fatigue:
      Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels.
      -Weight gain:
      Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation.
      -Mood changes and depression:
      Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
    3. Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:

    I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause:
    -Diet:
    Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation.
    -Exercise:
    Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain.
    -Stress management:
    Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation.
    -Prioritize sleep:
    Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.

    *I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓

    *I offer meditation

    *I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips

    *I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.


    I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body.
    Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me.
    I can help.
    WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Why Attachment Styles Are Wrecking Your Relationship.

    WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?


    There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship .
    *Secure
    *Anxious (or preoccupied)
    *Avoidant (or dismissive)
    *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant).
    These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.

    So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.

    Here’s a brief overview of each style:
    Secure Attachment:
    Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.

    Anxious Attachment:
    Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.

    Avoidant Attachment:
    Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.

    Disorganized Attachment:
    This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.

    If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.

    So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns.
    You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • Coaching Through Chaos

    Image by Alan Perring, Model Candice Storm

    COACHING THROUGH CHAOS

    There are many reasons for deciding to enter into a relationship with a coach. And many coaches out there to help you find your way.

    Maybe you need to set some goals?
    Maybe you have some problems at work?
    Maybe your personal life just went down the toilet?
    There are different types of coaches, each choosing their niche based on what their own life experience.
    Some have embraced a spiritual approach, or a new age approach. Some espouse traditional values and roles, and others may specialise in addiction or career building.

    So choose a coach who you admire, one who has already created the life you desire.

    Now I’m not saying that the coach you choose needs to be schizophrenic to help you with your schizophrenia. But I am saying that experience and niche should play an important role in your choice.

    So if you’re looking for a mushroom journey, choose someone who has experienced many, not just facilitated them.
    A coach who has been divorced will have unique insights into your relationship.

    A coach who has lived in long term relationships or had children might be the ideal person for your journey, or one who has the free spirit of a gypsey.
    Whoever you choose, pick a coach who has come out the other side stronger, who has tried and tested techniques .
    A coach who can give you hope rather than fear.

    I focus mostly on woman empowerment, on a personal level. Techniques to improve your self esteem, insight into yourself and your relationships. Awakening your inner goddess. That doesn’t mean I’ve always felt like a goddess, there have been some hard things I have had to work through to get here. Some crazy mistakes and epic comebacks, and they will keep coming. I’m passionate about helping women to bloom into the most beautiful version of themselves, inside and out.

    I haven’t posted for a while because I’m going through a lot of personal stuff right now. I’ve been focusing on me and my process to get through it, and it’s been really tough. But I’m still here, showing up for myself, exploring boundaries and wiser for it.

    So to all the coaches out there who may feel that their lives aren’t perfect, it is the way that you have overcome your own obstacles that makes you an effective mentor.
    It’s your life experience that guides you to help others in their decision making
    It’s your emotional processes that can lead your client through a tough time.
    Experiences forged through pure grit, ice and fire.

    So next time you feel unworthy due to a personal circumstance, take some time out to process your loss, grief or trauma. Remember there is a client out there seeking your wisdom. Not textbook wisdom, but raw, real life experience.
    Everyone wanders in the wilderness sometimes, and it’s how you find your way back to yourself that is the gift you can offer.
    I see you ✨

    I am a holistic life coach, relationship coach, and wellness coach.
    You can book a session via WhatsApp 0833613255