Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: Healing

  • The Emotional Saboteur

    Image by Ken Lovell,

    Model Mermaid Storm

    THE EMOTIONAL SABOTEUR

    Have you ever felt embarassed when someone treated you badly, as if there was something wrong with you?
    Kept quiet when a lover cheated or abused you, as if this was a reflection of yourself worth?

    When we outsource our self worth to others, even those who barely know us, we fall into the trap of believing that their opinion of us is what defines us. That their treatment of us is a reflection of who we are.
    It isn’t… It’s a reflection of who they are.

    You feel like the idiot for trusting them. When in fact you are not responsible for their actions.

    You will doubt yourself, taking to heart the opinion of somebody who actually doesn’t know you very well. Ignoring the fact that it serves them to belittle you, and that is not a reflection of your worth.

    Perhaps your relationship is going nowhere, you are being treated as a place holder until your upgrade comes along. And somehow this makes you believe that you don’t deserve better. That you can turn bread crumbs into a meal. Forgetting that you are already a 3 course gourmet feast.

    And then the self discovery starts. You begin to ask the right questions and discover you aren’t too much. You aren’t too sensitive or too needy. You are exactly who you know you are.

    And when this shift happens, you take your power back. I’m not talking about the girly pep talk in the bar, or that nice chick in the bathroom who shared her eyeliner and told you you were pretty…I’m talking about the moment you start believing it. No more doubt, pure embodiment of your true nature. Pure self acceptance. Pure self love. Warts and all. Not perfect, but aware of your worth.

    That’s when you stop taking shit. That’s when you no longer give AF.

    As long as you believe the idea that others have of you. ..as long as you take those heated words to heart…you are outsourcing your self image to others. Others who do not have the best intentions for you. People who want you to fall in to their plan for you, regardless of whether this actually benefits you.

    So next time somebody lies to you, cheats you, insults you or sabotages you…take note and act accordingly.
    No need to return the favour. That is still giving them your energy.
    Simply withdraw it.


    Maintain your integrity.
    Protect your self esteem, not theirs.
    Step back and find your tribe. There are people who will value you above what you have to offer them.
    Walk away from those who are not good for your peace. Walk away from those who make you doubt yourself.
    It hurts when you realise that some people only loved the useful and convenient version of you. People who disappear the moment you ask for something real, or turn on you when the going gets tough.

    Believe me, I’ve let random men on Facebook get under my skin with their personal comments, as if they themselves look like Brad Pitt.
    But why? These are strangers letting their issues play out on my newsfeed. Mostly men who should know better and be embarassed by their own behaviour.

    I’ve been there, watching someone undermine me and damage my career and reputation due to female competition. It was one of the most traumatic phases I have lived.
    But here’s the thing…who is going to believe them? Only the ones who were never in your corner to begin with. Only the ones who don’t care enough to ask questions. It’s no loss. It’s actually the trash taking itself out.

    Surround yourself with people who admire and believe in you. Even when you don’t believe it yourself. Aspire to get there and they will cheer you along.

    Remember, if somebody is pulling you down, it is because they are already beneath you. What they do to you is not who you are. What they say about you does not define you.
    Only you can do that.

    Centre yourself so that the actions and words of others don’t shake your core. Take a few deep breaths and let it go. Create some distance to gain perspective.
    Because only you get to decide who you are.
    Who has access to you.
    Who you give power to.
    And this kind of unshakeable peace is the ultimate freedom.

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • #Me Too

    #ME TOO

    There is a lot of media attention on Sexual Assault lately and I would like to add my voice to this.

    Me Too.

    I was in a hotel room alone in Zimbabwe, on a charter flight for the airline I was working for.
    I had just gotten out of the bath after a long day on my feet and was swathed in a fluffy hotel gown.
    I sat on the bed, made a cup of tea and decided to call home, as I was missing my husband.

    I struggled to make the international call, so I called the reception and they said they would send someone up to assist with the dial out and international codes.

    I can almost hear every woman reading this holding their breath, anticipating the worst.
    I opened the door and a Zimbabwean male was standing there. I greeted him in a friendly manner and he grabbed me. He smiled at me, kissed me and got his hands under my gown.

    I pulled away in shock and asked him to fix my dialling issue and leave.
    So he backed off, fixed the dialling issue and left. The atmosphere was thick with tension and I can almost feel every woman reading this exhale. Situation handled.

    A number of things happened here which I would like to reflect on.

    My first thought was that I was ‘lucky’
    He stopped when I pulled away. I didn’t get 🍇. What a travesty that women are taught to consider themselves lucky for not being 🍇

    He respected my NO, even though he crossed a boundary to begin with and disrespected my politeness. He was possibly confused by my attire. I found myself making excuses for HIS behaviour. For the fantasy that was playing out in his head. For the porn he was probably watching.

    Further along this thought process was, ‘I should have changed out of the gown.’ Really? Aside from the fact that a gown pretty much covers you from neck to toe? I should have climbed out of the bath and put on my airline uniform in order make a call in my own room. And then taken it off again to go to bed. Ridiculous and only something a woman would ever have to think about.

    And then we come to the entitlement that some men feel towards womans bodies. He came to my room on a work errand. Saw a pretty lady in a gown and instantly assumed this was a booty call. No pleasantries, just launched into a grope-fest with zero consent.

    And the worst part? My nervous system went into freeze mode. I didn’t kick him out. I didn’t rage. I didn’t even report the incident. After he did this, I was even more desperate to phone home, so I still asked him to sort out the dial codes before he left. Which he did, thankfully leaving after with no further incident. (There we go again with the gratitude. What the actual f#$!)
    The truth is I put myself at even greater risk, just because I was desperate to phone home.

    I have noticed that my memory is very cloudy about this incident. Partly because it was a long time ago, when hotel rooms still had phones. Before WhatsApp calls were a thing. But every trauma I have faced has become very hazy. It’s a defence mechanism. If I had been asked to testify, it would have been a problem. And this is something many victims face in a courtroom. A lack of memory for details. Something used to discredit them.

    In writing this piece, I have become painfully aware of how many excuses I made for this man. Just the way society had taught me to. Right down to the self blame regarding what I was wearing.

    I would have handled it differently this time, with more rage and consequence. I would have shouted at him, shoved him and called his manager. It probably would have backfired right there in the room with a now angry man.

    I have also returned from parties twice with no memory. Luckily with friends and partners who were safe. (There we go again with the gratitude for not being drugged and sexually assaulted.)
    Although now that the Motherless site has been exposed it might not be possible for a woman to know, I could have been assaulted by a partner. I do not believe any of my partners were ‘into’ having sex with unconscious women, but then who does?

    As a society we need to do better. We need to create a world where women are safe and criminal behaviour is policed.
    A world where men’s entitlement is corrected rather than the woman’s attire.
    Victim blaming is an empty arguement, women have been assaulted in their tracksuits and babies don’t own sexy outfits.

    It’s time to lay the blame where it belongs and teach our boys differently. It’s time to police the perpetrators and not the victims.

    And if you find yourself justifying any of this kind of behaviour, if you find yourself thinking ‘at least she wasn’t 🍇’, it’s time to look inward to the values you have unconsciously integrated.

    It’s time to do better.

    And if you’re a man reading this and you have a #MeToo story, my sympathies go out to you. Sexual assault works both ways but this post is not about your experience, it’s about mine.

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Polarity Isn’t Progress

    POLARITY ISN’T PROGRESS

    Polarity is a reaction to feminism. A reset for the idea that a woman can (and should) do everything by herself. There is a lot of talk on the Internet about polarity, especially in the Manosphere. This concept of how a woman should think and act does not take into account personal traits and preferences. What she should expect from her life, what her role is in society applies a blanket rule for all.

    And how alpha /real men are providers, again ignoring personality types and individual differences. Hell, half the men I’ve seen online are in their princess era! Some are body builders and some wear makeup, and some do both.
    When you try to squeeze an entire gender into one small box, it all gets really toxic really fast.

    Everybody is different, we are all unique individuals, yes…even the ‘females’, as the Manosphere likes to refer to us as. There is no one-size-fits-all in human relationships or psychology. Not even from an evolutionary or cultural perspective, where some societies are matriarchal and some are patriarchal. Where Amazon’s were warriors and men were subservient while other societies cast women into the submissive role.

    So let’s turn gender bias on its ass for a second. Some women like to provide, and some men like to stay at home and take care of the family. Some women are body builders and some men are ultra-fem. And that’s ok!
    Women are gender policed because they are too strong, too muscular, too independent. Or too sexy, too promiscuous, too independant. Men are policed too, because they are too soft, too feminine, too simp, too homo, too alpha.

    While men are encouraged to integrate their feminine side in some circles, women who embrace their masculine side are criticised in others. We are called bitch, butch, scary, liberated. They are called conscious, enlightened, or homo. It depends who you ask.

    How about we take each person as an individual, in a world where variety is interesting and even entertaining?
    Calling a strong woman butch or a soft man a simp is a form of bullying I have encountered a few times in my life, and I found it to be really upsetting.

    After some thought and some insightful chats to other strong women, I have come to realize something I already knew on an intellectual level. I just needed to remove the emotional sting. Return the energy to sender. Accept and love the path that I have chosen, or change it for my own reasons.

    *At the end of the day, we should all be striving to integrate elements of our opposite gender to be better balanced humans.
    *People who shame others are doing it out of their own insecurities.
    *Body shaming is just a form of gender stereotyping and bullying, don’t ever feel the need to fit into anybody’s mould.
    *Rise above comments that do not deserve a response.
    *People who are trying to pull you down are already below you.

    Let’s pack away these ridiculous boxes and try to not be kak humans, ok?

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Menopause Mayhem Vol 3: When Did Insulin Become The Enemy?

    MENOPAUSE MAYHEM VOLUME 3: WHEN DID INSULIN BECOME THE ENEMY?

    Ok, these fans might be overkill for hot flashes, but I’m sure every woman over 50 wishes they would fit in her handbag!
    :

    Have you noticed that your eating plans stopped working, and that spare tyre is growing? Here is some advice based on the fight between oestrogen and insulin in your body right now.

    Eat 3 protein meals per day instead of 5. Even it used to work for, it might not anymore.
    This is because as oestrogen maintains insulin sensitivity, and as it drops, women can become insulin resistant.

    Not only might your go-to meal plan stop working…it might actually be sabotaging you.
    This is because the peri/menopause hormonal shift triggers increased abdominal (visceral) fat storage, reduced metabolic rate, and higher, harder-to-manage blood sugar levels. These changes, often compounded by poor sleep, make cells less responsive to insulin.

    Eating 3 times daily will spike your insulin 3 times, instead of 5. So, if you’re feeling like you need a chocolate, have it straight after a meal instead of as a separate snack for the same reasons.

    Quit the shakes and have a smoothie instead.
    Amino acids in protein shakes, particularly whey protein, primarily cause a significant spike in insulin. Protein shakes, especially whey, are highly insulinotropic, meaning they stimulate the pancreas to release insulin.
    A homemade smoothie can be a better option for avoiding insulin spikes than a typical shake, but only if it is designed with high fiber, healthy fats, and protein, and is low in sugar. Hint: skip the fruit juice.

    Heart rate
    Your heart rate can spike your cortisol levels in peri/ menopause, with your oestrogen on an extended vacation. The ideal formula is to subtract your age from 180, to give you a ceiling in beats per minute.
    The best exercises for menopause combine strength training (lifting weights, bands) to build bone density and reverse muscle loss, with cardiovascular exercise (HIIT, walking, cycling) to manage weight and heart health. Just keep an eye on your heart rate to prevent cortisol from flooding your system. Recommended routines include 2.5 hours of moderate activity weekly, incorporating yoga for stress reduction and mobility.

    Fiber
    To reduce bloating, add more fiber to your meals with a sprinkle of psyllium husk, especially if you’re eating pasta or a smoothie that is low on fibre.

    Tonics
    Try Black Cohosh (hot flushes, night sweats) and Dandelion (white tongue, liver detox)
    Or
    Milk Thistle (inflammation) and Chastree/Agnus Castus (Hormone imbalances)

    I am a wellness coach, traditional doctor and life coach based in Johannesburg. You can send me a WhatsApp to book an appointment on +27833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted, element by element”

  • When You Want To Stab The Christmas Turkey.

    WHEN YOU WANT TO STAB THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY.

    Sure, every relationship has its challenges. This can become more highlighted over the holidays, with spending too much time together, or feeling disappointed by a lack of attentiveness over the festive season. But it’s not about the Xmas dinner, it’s about patterns and nervous system dysregulation. When is enough, enough?


    When does trivial irritation become toxic? A lot of relationships find themselves on the rocks over the holidays, perhaps because a spotlight is shone on behaviour vs expectation. And then comes the break-up and a lot of victim blaming at the end of the line. Perhaps both partners become the victim in some way, perhaps not… Some relationships fizzle out peacefully, while others become toxic and explosive, and this is what I wanted to talk about.

    How do we react to these stressors, to the trigger stacking? The truth is that when a relationship becomes toxic or abusive, your body is programmed to protect itself. If you are under verbal or physical attack, you are eventually going to respond, no matter how you may try to stay calm.

    This is because every nervous system has its limits, and once reached something has to give. Whether it’s fight, flight or freeze will depend on your wiring, your trauma and your situation.

    These are automatic, instinctive stress responses that prepare your body to survive a perceived threat, involving physical reactions like increased heart rate (fight/flight) or going still/numb (freeze) as your nervous system mobilizes for action or shutdown. It’s often seen in anxiety or trauma but was once useful in genuine danger. (And still can be).

    More recently another response has been added: Fawning.
    Let me break these down, you’re bound to recognise one in yourself.
    Fight: Preparing to confront the threat, potentially through aggression, arguing, or physical struggle.
    Flight: Instinct to escape or run from the danger by putting distance between yourself and the threat.
    Freeze: Feeling stuck, numb, or unable to move or speak, your body goes rigid, which can help you hide or assess the danger.
    Fawn: Trying to appease or please the threat to avoid conflict, often seen in trauma. 

    When you feel under attack, a number of factors come in to play physiologically.
    -Your amygdala becomes triggered in your brain.
    -Your heart rate and breathing speed up to deliver oxygen for your body to perform at is best.
    -Your muscles tense and prepare for action.
    -Your pupils dilate, hearing sharpens, and peripheral vision increases to assist you.
    -Your blood is redirected to major muscles, making your hands/feet cold and even clammy, and your clotting factors increase. 

    Your body is an incredibly smart survival machine, and this all happens automatically. Although you are unlikely to be chased by a bear these days, it will still be triggered by genuine danger or by non-threatening situations if you have experienced trauma or have anxiety disorders.

    So an argument with your partner can lead to over stimulation and overactivity of the amygdala (that primitive part of your brain that is trying to keep you safe), and set all these physiological responses in motion.

    Perhaps you are being victimised at work?
    You are unlikely to punch your boss in the face, or run out of the boardroom. You are most likely to freeze or fawn. But over time, if the victimisation continues you will probably walk out, or hand in your notice quietly and never go back.

    Perhaps you are in a toxic romantic relationship?
    You might become emotionally distant over time, to guard yourself from the pain being inflicted. Disappear from their DMs, ghost their calls. Or try to outrun the situation by driving somewhere or locking yourself in a bathroom when a conflict escalates in your physical space. (And earn the label of ‘avoidant’, which can also be a form of victim-blaming, but is also a form of self-protection).

    In a family or work or romantic relationship flight is not always an immediate possibility. This could be due to financial reasons or because you are physically being prevented from walking out. And that is when you might freeze, fawn or eventually, fight.

    This is a survival response that is hardwired into your nervous system. It’s intended to protect you from physical harm, but it kicks in for psychological harm too as your blood pumps full of adrenalin. And before you know it, you find yourself cornered and start lashing out like a wild animal. This is called reactive abuse and you are probably going to feel awful about it the next day.

    And although you can’t help it, this is a very damaging response, and you need to know that it’s not your fault. You are not a monster, and you are not the abuser. You are only human, and your nervous system is trying to survive under intense emotional or physical threat.

    If your situationship remains unchanged, over time you might begin to develop CPTSD. This happens if the abuse is ongoing and you cannot get away.
    Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition resulting from prolonged or repeated trauma, like chronic abuse or neglect. Verbal and emotional abuse fill this category too.

    The problem with reactive abuse is that it’s very dangerous territory. It shifts you temporarily from victim mode into self-defence, and for a moment your partner will see YOU as the abuser. You might scratch, pull hair, lash out or shove this person in panic or an attempt to make them stop, or to get away from them.

    If you are fortunate, a surprise show of strength might result in your partner backing down, this time. But over time, or perhaps immediately your partner will become more enraged, placing you at a greater risk.

    If your reaction produces an even more extreme reaction in your partner, it will escalate the situation. And they might even use it against you, threaten to video your reaction, or shame you and justify their own behaviour. Perhaps even blackmail you to keep you under their control.

    What is important in these types of relationships is to have an exit plan and start implementing it.
    Tell somebody.
    Speak to somebody about an emergency place to sleep for future incidents.
    File a report.
    Get a restraining order.
    Get a job.
    Start saving.

    In the meantime, there are some other things that you can do to regulate your own nervous system.
    Start by understanding your pattern (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), this is the key to managing it. Recognise what is triggering you and take steps to avoid it where possible. Give some thought to how you can circumvent or de-escalate the situation from your side by recognising your partner’s triggers. Now, I’m not suggesting you walk on eggshells forever, just until you can make a nice toward safety or work out a better way to respond.

    Start practicing techniques that can carry you through this situation while you are working on your exit plan. Try mindfulness, grounding techniques, exercise, therapy, and self-care can help calm an overactive stress response. Positive visualisation and body talk.
    Ask for help and start taking positive steps to change your situation.
    You deserve a peaceful relationship or environment in which to grow and thrive.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255
    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • The Cracked Mirror

    THE CRACKED MIRROR
    In my business I get to meet so many amazing women.
    Beautiful women.
    Vivacious women.
    Accomplished women.
    Compassionate women.

    And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them.
    I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.

    Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others.
    We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.

    I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.

    What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.

    If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make?
    How would you make love if you felt beautiful?
    What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?

    The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.

    So just for today, start a journal.
    Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.

    Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful”
    Let’s shift the narrative.
    Let’s change our mindsets.
    We are enough.

    And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy.
    Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Menopause Mayhem-Volume One

    MENOPAUSE MAYHEM-VOLUME ONE

    Menopause Mayhem- Volume 1
    For every woman experiencing the train wreck that is menopause, there is the realisation that the information around it does not flow freely. Yes, we all know about rage and mood swings, but there is so much more.
    I’ve been doing some research, and I’ll be sharing it to raise awareness, because I understand how it can feel like you’re going crazy and don’t know why!

    Today’s issue: Sensory Overload
    Did you know that menopause can cause sensory issues? This can lead to heightened sensitivity (sensory overload) or altered sensations like skin prickling, taste/smell changes, and balance problems, largely due to fluctuating estrogen affecting brain chemistry (serotonin, dopamine) and nerve pathways, impacting how you perceive the world. These shifts can make you more sensitive to lights, sounds, textures, and smells, impacting daily coping.

    Here are some common Menopause-Related Sensory Issues:
    Heightened Sensitivity (Overload):
    Your partner has verbal diarrhoea while you’re trying to watch a movie and it’s taking every ounce of self control not to stab him with your dinner fork. Normal stimuli (lights, noises, crowds, textures) can feel overwhelming, triggering panic or needing to escape.

    Altered Skin Sensations: Are your feet on fire, without doing the fire walk your guru says will change your life? You might be experiencing formication (insects crawling), burning, itching, numbness, or tingling (paresthesias).

    Taste & Smell Changes: You used to love mincemeat and now you can’t even cook it without gagging like an adult film star.
    Fluctuations in estrogen can alter your sense of smell and taste, or cause a burning mouth sensation (burning mouth syndrome).

    Balance & Coordination: You tried to catch the cat, went flying out of your bedroom door and impaled your boob on the garden gnome. Changes in the cerebellum, affected by hormones, can lead to dizziness, vertigo, clumsiness, and spatial disorientation.

    Touch Sensitivity: Your forehead is flaking like an old paint job and you have to sit on your hands to stop clawing at your face.
    Skin can become drier and more sensitive, or conversely, responsiveness to touch (even intimate) might decrease.

    Why It Happens:
    -Estrogen Decline: Estrogen influences neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, crucial for mood, cognition, and sensory processing. Lower levels disrupt these pathways, lowering your sensory threshold.
    -Nervous System Impact: Hormonal shifts affect nerve function, potentially increasing pain perception and disrupting sensory input.

    If you have read this and some of these issues have resonated with you, there are some things you can do.
    Now that you know you’re not going crazy, give some thought to how you can adapt to this new and confusing version of you. Recognising these changes are hormonal, not you being “difficult,”is the first step. Try adjusting your environment (dim lights, quiet spaces) to feel more comfortable.

    Seek support from a doctor or therapist, or life coach like me. A menopause coach perhaps, it’s important to speak with somebody who has knowledge of menopause and its symptoms. Women have been gaslit by the medical community for far too long. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help manage overwhelming feelings, and is such a great life skill to learn in general.

    Start managing underlying factors like getting a hormone test and putting in place a plan to correct them holistically or with HRT. Address stress, sleep, and overall health, as these can worsen sensory issues. Once you’ve realised you’re not the problem and your hormones are betraying you, you can approach these challenges with more insight and patience, and make some key changes to suit this latest version of you. After all, sometimes a little rage is a valid and necessary thing. People pleasing is so last decade. Anyway, this is me signing off because my socks are driving me nuts…

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Dealing With Grief & Loss

    DEALING WITH GRIEF & LOSS

    Death is a fact if life, and the death of a loved one is something we will all face many times in our lifetime. The only way to recover from loss effectively is to feel the feels, and these come in waves.
    There are some practical things you can do to cope with grief.
    *Remember to take care of yourself, and to allow your emotions to be expressed. *Seek support from a coach or therapist.
    *Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and good food .
    *Reach out to loved ones or try journaling.

    It’s ok to feel down, but make time for activities you enjoy. You’ll have to be patient with the process and recognise that grief is a personal journey.

    There are a few phases to grief, so when you recognise them, know this is part of your healing journey, and you will get through them if you allow yourself to feel.
    You might experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression in you way towards acceptance.

    Prioritize your physical health, taking care to have regular, healthy meals and get enough sleep. It’s natural to take some down time, but try to get back into your regular exercise routine as soon as you can. Even if you don’t feel like it, it will support your physical and mental health.
    Structure can provide a sense of stability so try to maintain routines for activities like eating meals, even if it’s difficult.

    Don’t hesitate to see your doctor for check-ups or discuss any new health concerns. Depression is a natural part of the grieving process, and can be even worse if your relationship was complicated. There are natural and pharmaceutical remedies available to you to help you during this time.

    Allow yourself to feel, understanding that grief is a unique and personal process, and it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions.
    Find healthy ways to express your feelings, such as talking to friends, family, or a counselor. Some people find it helpful to express themselves through physical activity or creative outlets like writing or painting.

    Schedule time to focus on your grief, even if it’s just 20-30 minutes a day. Use this time to sit quietly, write a letter to the person, or look at photos.
    It is healthy to experience positive emotions like joy when remembering happy memories. Allowing yourself to smile or laugh is also a protective response.

    Lean on friends and family for support and company. Let them know when you want to talk about your loved one and accept their offers of help.

    If you are religious or spiritual, spending time with others in your faith community can provide comfort.
    Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be therapeutic and help you feel less alone.

    Remember and honor your loved one. Find ways to commemorate them, such as creating a memory book, taking that trip you planned together, or engaging in an activity they loved.

    Be patient with yourself, accepting that healing takes time. There is no “normal” timetable for grieving, and it’s important to be patient with yourself throughout the process.

    Recognize the difference between grief and depression. If you are concerned about your mental health, it’s important to talk to a professional.

    Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a persistent mood disorder. You will notice that grief often comes in waves of intense sadness mixed with positive memories, whereas depression involves a constant, pervasive sadness. In grief, your self-esteem is usually preserved, but in depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.

    Life can be hard, especially when you are dealing with a loss of any kind. This might be a death, a child moving away or a break up. Be kind to yourself and feel all your feels, this is how the healing happens.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted-element by element.”

  • The Scarlet Woman

    Model Candice Storm, Tog Tanya Borchers

    THE SCARLET WOMAN

    You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.

    It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.

    But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not.
    Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body.
    For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all.
    It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better.
    It means she is looking to better herself.
    (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)

    There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.

    *She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity.
    Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.

    * She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.

    *Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.

    *Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.

    *Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.

    A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.

    A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one.
    Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.

    And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.

    There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new.
    And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship.
    Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that.
    Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.

    A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.

    There is no other way.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Trial By Fire

    Model: Candice Storm, Tog Ken Lovell

    TRIAL BY FIRE

    We’ve all heard about the witch trials, and I often might make a careless comment about being burned at the stake in a previous lifetime. This is because I am a strong and independent woman, a leader in the field of women empowerment, and quite unapologetically myself. And it was women such as this who were villainized, punished and let’s be blunt…murdered by the patriarchy.

    Shocking, isn’t it?

    But fast forward to 2025, and have things really changed? Or have these sentiments just gone underground?

    It has been called the Witch Wound by some, and patriarchy certainly has a lot to make up for. Their legacy has become a sinister part of the unconscious masculine. An operating system that undermines women in a more covert manner, but threatens them all the same.

    So far in this lifetime I have been threatened thrice by fire;


    The first time it was a man who was living on my property and helping with some building work. He went on to steal my welding machine, my friends welding machine, and we later discovered he stole one from his previous employer as well. So naturally, when I couldn’t recover my welder I told him to leave and changed the locks. And he sent a message to us saying that he hopes I do not like my thatch roof, as it is very flammable. And that he had told his friends about me and how they were very angry. Also, he remarked that he loved me and that we could have been so good together. I sent him a copy of the police report and that was the last I heard of him.

    Then there was the unstable boyfriend. I asked him to leave and he threatened to burn my house down. At what point does mental instability become malice? When does insecurity become criminal? When does I didn’t mean it become inexcusable?

    And then there was the the great psychotic break, where he threatened to set me on fire. Flicking the lighter in front of my face while I refused to engage in the madness. Now I am no victim, and enough is enough, so I pulled him off me by his hair and held his face to the floor till he dropped the lighter. But that moment was truly scarring for me. The post traumatic stress felt debilitating at times, but it only made me more determined to be free to be me.

    The witch wound is a concept referring to the collective, intergenerational trauma passed down from the historical persecution of those accused of witchcraft, particularly during the “Burning Times”. It manifests as a deep-seated fear of expressing one’s authentic self, power, or intuition, leading to issues like self-doubt, silencing one’s voice, and fear of judgment. This inherited trauma can also contribute to the competitiveness among women and a fear of being “too much”.

    So how do we heal the witch wound as women?
    Recognize the source: Your fear and self doubts are not your own to carry, sister. They are not personal failings, but rather echoes of historical trauma.
    Reclaim your voice: Consciously choose to speak your truth and express your beliefs, even when it’s difficult.
    Embrace your power: Allow yourself to be seen and to trust your own inner wisdom and intuition.
    Break the cycle: Heal the wound within yourself to avoid passing the same fears and insecurities on to future generations.

    And as for healing the polar expression of this as a man? Ask yourself why do men feel entitled to control women?
    Why do you feel your actions are justified just because she doesn’t want to be with you anymore?
    Ask yourself if your mother or sister would deserve to date a man just like you?
    Ponder why are you so threatened by a strong feminine archetype?
    Look at how you can heal your past trauma so that you don’t project it onto the women around you.
    Afterall, it’s always been the men wielding the torches.

    All over the world women are burned, maimed and murdered while society looks the other way.
    Women are second class citizens and more at risk of violence from their own partners or admirerers than from complete strangers.

    So perhaps I am lucky to be alive, perhaps I wouldn’t have recieved these threats if I had learned to play small, but that is not the life I wish to live.
    And if being threatened by burning is the price I have to pay for my sovereignty, then why bother, boys?
    I set myself on fire most weekends anyway.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255