Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: dating

  • Are You The Prize Or The Prey?

    Image by Tanya Borchers, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU THE PRIZE OR THE PREY?

    A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.

    We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.

    Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?

    In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery.
    So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.

    Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner?
    Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.

    The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.

    You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.

    Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)

    The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play.
    This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation).
    You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).

    The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.

    In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.

    Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.

    And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.

    And if you’re the the prey?
    You’re the one who is emotionally vulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions.
    You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession?
    And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.

    It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe.
    Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse.
    Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.

    And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.”
    And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself.
    This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma.
    A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart.
    So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.

    Whatsapp 0833613255

  • Toxic Love & Losing Yourself

    TOXIC LOVE & LOSING YOURSELF

    If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.

    My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).

    Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.

    Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.

    Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.

    Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.

    What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?

    Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role.
    You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.

    If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.

    Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.

    Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.

    WhatsApp 0833613255
    Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach

  • Why Attachment Styles Are Wrecking Your Relationship.

    WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?


    There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship .
    *Secure
    *Anxious (or preoccupied)
    *Avoidant (or dismissive)
    *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant).
    These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.

    So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.

    Here’s a brief overview of each style:
    Secure Attachment:
    Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.

    Anxious Attachment:
    Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.

    Avoidant Attachment:
    Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.

    Disorganized Attachment:
    This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.

    If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.

    So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns.
    You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • Being A ‘Safe’ Woman

    BEING A ‘SAFE’ WOMAN

    Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.

    We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?

    There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.

    But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?

    If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then?
    From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.

    Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex?
    Never?
    Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?

    For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband.
    I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife.
    Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life.
    And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good.
    And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.

    He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward.
    In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.

    I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this;
    I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did.
    I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong.
    My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.

    So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.

    So here are some things I have learned along the way.
    *Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep.
    *Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal.
    *Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised.
    *Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet.
    *Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.

    *No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours.
    *Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.

    In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess.
    But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship.
    And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part.
    And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.

    But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.

    And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.

    But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.

    Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.

    You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.

    So here’s a hot tip 🔥
    If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.

    Period.

  • When Mr. Right Becomes Mr. Wrong

    Image by Ken Lovell, Model Candice Storm

    WHEN MR. RIGHT BECOMES MR, WRONG

    There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing….
    But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?

    Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?

    What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?


    You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?


    Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.

    When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?

    If we should stay or go?

    Persevere or cut and run?

    This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember .
    But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.

    And the crunch?

    None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking?
    So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.

    Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.

    If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision.
    Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline.
    To walk away. To take back your energy.
    To re-evaluate our needs and priorities.
    To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall?
    Not everybody is for everyone.
    And time is not promised to anyone.
    So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.

    Makes you think, doesn’t it?

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.

    Book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Is Casual Sex Really Casual?

    Image by Mark Greenslade, Model Candice Storm

    IS CASUAL SEX REALLY CASUAL?

    Look, I’m not telling you to stop having fun, or denying the power you might feel after seduction or the affirming qualities casual sex.
    Since the free love era of the 70s, casual sex has been dressed up as “freedom.”
    And I’m all for sexual expression and freedom. Afterall, it’s your body and woman fought hard for sexual emancipation.

    But I cannot help wonder if we lost something in this process. Something deep and primal and sacred.
    We have created a world where sex is free, men don’t have to chase women, and our bodies are just vehicles for empty pleasure.

    But perhaps you will find that you lose something each time you rock that casual encounter, your value to yourself. Sex has become performative, and this is partly due to the porn culture, but also due to our own desires to impress.

    You might find yourself feeling less, and putting up with more BS. Swopping crumbs of affection for real depth and presence.
    Confusing real intimacy for performance.

    You brush off that feeling of being ghosted the morning after, as a sign of independence. Afterall, you don’t need a man.

    The thing is, women and men are not wired the same. You might overthink a one-night stand for the rest of your life, while he won’t lose a second’s sleep over it. And chances are you’ll regret it once you realise he didn’t satisfy your soul, your need for connection. He didn’t even satisfy your body…how could he when he didn’t take the time to get to know you first?

    It’s time to stop giving your womb away to men who are not worthy of your creative source.
    That feeling of being wild and free was delicious, and it’s your body, you can do what you want. But how did it really feel in the afterglow? Were you fullfilled or perhaps a bit emptier than you were before the hook up?

    You see, women are not like men. You’ll bond emotionally with a man you barely know, if he does call, riding high on that oxytocin train. The chemicals tricking you into believing lust can become love.
    And here you are a year later, pair bonding with Mr. Wrong because those chemicals keep you from getting your head on straight.

    Perhaps the true rebellion these days is being the one who doesn’t give it away for free.

    Being the one who holds herself and her true partner to a higher standard. Going after what you want in the endgame, rather than what you want right now.
    Because it’s easy to get caught up in the dating game, feeling chosen when you were actually just using each other. Competing with all the other readily available women to be with an unworthy man. Better grab him quick, before he swipes left! Perhaps out of fear of rejection or of being alone.

    Sure it will be fun once or twice, you’ve proved you’ve still got it. And that can be a powerful and much needed thing after a divorce or break up.
    But how can this path lead to anything but self devaluation in the long term? It’s time to start looking inward for validation and love, before you out source these qualities to unworthy partners.

    And if he stays after that feisty fling?
    Here is the irony. He will always wonder if you’re a keeper, because you let him touch you too soon. The double standard still exists in the minds of men. You were easy to catch and now he is not sure of your value, or if you will be easily available to other men too. Even though that man was him. Cute, huh?

    So learn to love a man who is worthy of your many gifts. One who recognises them and will pursue you and earn your body.
    Somebody who will connect with you, heart to heart and soul to soul before your bodies merge. And then you will experience sex as a transformative and magical experience. The kind that uplifts you both, that transcends this earthly plane.

    Perhaps the biggest flex in todays society is to wait. Know your rarity and protect your soul, your spirit, your temple.
    It’s your life and you get to choose how you want to live it. So make it a good choice, first let him prove he can hold your heart, before you let him hold your hips.

    You can manifest the life you desire, and you can start today.

    I’m available for life coaching, relationship coaching & wellness coaching.

    You can book on WhatsApp 0833613255.

    #casualsex #lifecoach #fling #onenightstand