When Doing The Funky Monkey Becomes A Circus

WHEN DOING THE FUNKY MONKEY TURNS INTO A CIRCUS…

Today seems like a good day to talk about sex. We all crave the excitement and the passion, but sometimes wonder why the main event seems to be a little disappointing, not quite what we imagined, a failure to launch or a half way fizzle.

This is because the best sex of your life doesn’t come from a one night stand, or from a quickie. Sure that can be exciting or passionate, but the truth is that truly mind blowing sex comes from connection. It comes from the biggest sex organ in your body. And that is not in your pants, boys…it’s your brain. Great sex starts with building intimacy. How you set off for work in the morning. It could be a note with your sandwiches, or coffee in bed or a lingering goodbye kiss. Building the mood when you call each other to see how the day is going. Small things that stimulate the love hormone.

It’s about how you greet each other after work, shared time in the kitchen or holding hands on the couch, eating dinner and talking about your day.
A slow sensual burn as you tickle his arm or he touches your spine. Creating intimacy and anticipation.

And if you get to the main event before passing out in front of the TV, try spending some more time on each other’s bodies. Devote yourself to touching and kissing. He is not a sex machine, ladies. He cannot perform on demand. And she is not a cum sock, or a substitute for your hand, guys. Take time to relax deeply and let go of the stresses of your day, so that your mind can settle into your partner. That last difficult client, the one living rent free in your head, is going to wreck your hard on unless you let that shit go. That arguement you had with her over the dishes is going to dry her up faster than high noon in Morocco, so if that’s the energy you brought in, it’s probably not going to happen.

And yes, our bodies change over time, as do our relationships. Contrary to popular belief, your penis is not powered by your ego. It is powered by blood circulation, though. Something that declines over 40, and let’s face it…all those cigarettes didn’t help either. So next time there is a failure to launch, get over your ego. Be prepared with a solution that does not involve blaming your partner. Telling her she is too slippery, or not wet enough, or didn’t juggle the right way at the right time is just being cowardly. Try looking in her eyes for once, and telling her she is beautiful instead of turning on the porn. Make a Viagra appointment with your doctor, test your testosterone levels or ask your local Paki for a pack of Kamagra next time you stop to buy smokes. Do it before she leaves you because you made her feel unattractive. Do it before you give her jaw cramp or permanent carpal tunnel. (You can thank me later)

Or if you are not fit enough, or your little friend starts sagging half way through, take a break or change your position. Crushing her with your body weight is not sexy, but switching angles definitely is. There is no shame in taking a pit stop, and it’s a great way to keep things interesting too, so climb out of your ego and use this as an opportunity. For a woman, a short break can feel like 2 sessions, which can be a real winner. Just don’t make half time all about you.

Her body is changing too. This pit stop is not just about you tuning up your engine, she will need to replace the natural lube that you just withdrew from her body, too. So don’t be a dick and desperately jump on board the moment she coaxed some life back into you. It’s a two way street and she also needs some more play. Or reach for the KY Jelly if need be. She might need both. Dry sex and desperately thrusting to the finish line might give you the friction you needed to wake the dead, but it’s not fun for her. It’s painful, annoying and nothing will chase her orgasm away faster.

So if you want to keep each other wanting more, stop playing the blame game, be kind and know that it’s mostly not about you if your partner is struggling.
Take responsibility for your own mindset and physical challenges, slow it down, be considerate.
And if you’re not prepared to touch her like the goddess she is, then you don’t deserve to be inside her temple.

I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
T/DR Candice Baker
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You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
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