Living With An Addict

LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.

If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.

They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.

Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.

They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.

They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.

Wasting your life.

Let that sink in.

There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.

There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.

And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.

If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.

Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.

Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.

I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.

The deflection (I’m so stressed).

The accusation (you are always upset with me)

The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).

The empty promises (I can change)

I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.

Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.

I called it committed.

I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.

I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.

But it became harder each time to bounce back.

It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.

Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.

Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.

Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.

Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.

He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.

There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.

Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.

And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.

He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.

So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.

Create new routines to take care of yourself.

Go to counseling.

You both will need to.

Practice self love.

Start a new hobby.

Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.

And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.

But you?

Stick to your standards.

You’re worth more than this.

Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.

You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.

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