I have had complete strangers attack me on Facebook, simply because I wore a dress with a plunging neckline. ‘eeeuw, put those away’ ‘get a boob job’ ‘ou tannie het mooi tiette’ (Old aunty has nice tits)
I’ve been called sour milk, told I have a high opinion of myself, and that I’m going to hell for tattooing my body. But also gorgeous, beautiful and some other lovely words.
So which is it?
Do I need a boob job ur do I have nice tits? Do I look hot or like an old lady? The answer is: their opinion doesn’t matter. (And also being ‘hot’ does not have an age limit.)
I admit I allowed these men to get under my skin, I am only human. But yes, these comments designed to degrade women are telling us who they are. Not who we are.
They know exactly how to hit you where it hurts…your age, your boobs…and this is exactly why women spend so much on aesthetics. Because we buy into this mysoginistic model that a woman’s worth is tied to her age and her looks.
As women, we need to somehow not take it to heart. And that can be the work of a lifetime. Letting go of trying to please people with our looks. Even trying to please other women with how we dress. And of course, trying to please ourselves too, as we are so super-critical of how we look.
So…why do we care what complete strangers think anyway? I can’t answer that one clearly yet, but it does still affect me, and it’s something I am working through.
Likewise, even the people you know and care about do not get to decide your value. Not your family, not your friends, and definitely not your romantic partner. As women, we need to get to that point where only we can do that for ourselves.
Wear a pretty dress with a plunging neckline or whatever because it makes us feel good. And to hell with what other people, who seem to believe we are dressing for them, think.
You are brave and beautiful in your own unique way. You have survived being overlooked, insulted, judged… and you are right when you realise that only you get to decide your worth.
I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Have you ever felt embarassed when someone treated you badly, as if there was something wrong with you? Kept quiet when a lover cheated or abused you, as if this was a reflection of yourself worth?
When we outsource our self worth to others, even those who barely know us, we fall into the trap of believing that their opinion of us is what defines us. That their treatment of us is a reflection of who we are. It isn’t… It’s a reflection of who they are.
You feel like the idiot for trusting them. When in fact you are not responsible for their actions.
You will doubt yourself, taking to heart the opinion of somebody who actually doesn’t know you very well. Ignoring the fact that it serves them to belittle you, and that is not a reflection of your worth.
Perhaps your relationship is going nowhere, you are being treated as a place holder until your upgrade comes along. And somehow this makes you believe that you don’t deserve better. That you can turn bread crumbs into a meal. Forgetting that you are already a 3 course gourmet feast.
And then the self discovery starts. You begin to ask the right questions and discover you aren’t too much. You aren’t too sensitive or too needy. You are exactly who you know you are.
And when this shift happens, you take your power back. I’m not talking about the girly pep talk in the bar, or that nice chick in the bathroom who shared her eyeliner and told you you were pretty…I’m talking about the moment you start believing it. No more doubt, pure embodiment of your true nature. Pure self acceptance. Pure self love. Warts and all. Not perfect, but aware of your worth.
That’s when you stop taking shit. That’s when you no longer give AF.
As long as you believe the idea that others have of you. ..as long as you take those heated words to heart…you are outsourcing your self image to others. Others who do not have the best intentions for you. People who want you to fall in to their plan for you, regardless of whether this actually benefits you.
So next time somebody lies to you, cheats you, insults you or sabotages you…take note and act accordingly. No need to return the favour. That is still giving them your energy. Simply withdraw it.
Maintain your integrity. Protect your self esteem, not theirs. Step back and find your tribe. There are people who will value you above what you have to offer them. Walk away from those who are not good for your peace. Walk away from those who make you doubt yourself. It hurts when you realise that some people only loved the useful and convenient version of you. People who disappear the moment you ask for something real, or turn on you when the going gets tough.
Believe me, I’ve let random men on Facebook get under my skin with their personal comments, as if they themselves look like Brad Pitt. But why? These are strangers letting their issues play out on my newsfeed. Mostly men who should know better and be embarassed by their own behaviour.
I’ve been there, watching someone undermine me and damage my career and reputation due to female competition. It was one of the most traumatic phases I have lived. But here’s the thing…who is going to believe them? Only the ones who were never in your corner to begin with. Only the ones who don’t care enough to ask questions. It’s no loss. It’s actually the trash taking itself out.
Surround yourself with people who admire and believe in you. Even when you don’t believe it yourself. Aspire to get there and they will cheer you along.
Remember, if somebody is pulling you down, it is because they are already beneath you. What they do to you is not who you are. What they say about you does not define you. Only you can do that.
Centre yourself so that the actions and words of others don’t shake your core. Take a few deep breaths and let it go. Create some distance to gain perspective. Because only you get to decide who you are. Who has access to you. Who you give power to. And this kind of unshakeable peace is the ultimate freedom.
I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Model: Candice Storm, Photographer: Mark Greenslade
RED RIDING HOOD AND THE WOLF Just because he is pursuing you, doesn’t mean he deserves to have you, ladies. We’ve been taught that our value lies in being wanted, to be flattered by being noticed, that being chased means being chosen. But sometimes being chosen just means being used. Afterall, who is doing the choosing? Do you really want him, or do you just want to be wanted? Not everyone who chases you is for you, or even good for you, and people have their own agendas. Some men will choose you to fulfil their needs, to extract your feminine essence from you. While others might choose you to uplift and worship you, and it’s not always easy to see the difference at the outset.
We’ve all done it. Started a relationship with somebody because it felt so great to feel chosen. But then you have a huge rupture in that relationship because of something he has done and he says, “at least I don’t cheat on you.” (Insert here that amazing thing you are supposed to be grateful for). And for a moment we are grateful for this. But why? Why the need for excuses to justify that he is actually such a great guy, despite the fact that he…..? Maybe if you’re having to talk yourself into this situationship there could be a red flag (or two) that you’re determined to ignore? To stay in your comfort zone, perhaps?
So let’s break this down. This dude wants you to overlook his toxic behaviour, or maybe his abuse, or perhaps it’s alcoholism, or narcissistic rage…because he knows how to keep his dick in his pants? So we’re all good here?
Um, ok, so you can insult your partner, attack her, bully her, be a complete waste of space, but she should be grateful to have you because you haven’t been shagging someone else behind her back? Or perhaps because no other woman in her right mind would take home such a specimen? And in return for your awesome fidelity she should be your mother, your therapist, your wife, your tantrika? What a great trade off (for YOU, mister)!
Dear women of the world, please do not settle for this emotional blackmail. Just because he is faithful does not mean he is a good guy. Or that he is even nearly good enough for you. You deserve someone who is faithful AND treats you well. Someone who is reliable and provides safety for your weary heart. Your relationship is not a multiple choice test with only one right answer.
You deserve someone who takes you away for a romantic weekend because they love you, not because they owe you an apology. You deserve someone who you can take to your fancy event, or a family lunch with the confidence that they know how to be sober and make you proud. The man who will buy you a special gift because you mean the world to him, not the guy who is using his wallet to manipulate you.
And as for that one who wants to finance a set of double D’s and keeps bringing it up every time you get naked? Well ain’t that just the gift that tells you how sub-standard you are? What a generous guy, please feel free to kick him to the kerb, sis. You are beautiful and worthy and not in need of any further enhancements to suit his tastes, even if he does look like Brad Pitt.
There are many things that a woman should be grateful for in her relationship, but the fact that he does not beat you up isn’t one of them. You do not have to be grateful for fidelity, or peace, or sobriety. These things are a given, they are to be expected and appreciated and returned in kind.
Now I’m not saying you need to run out the door without regard to your personal safety or the means to feed your children. But what I am saying is please stop selling yourself short, today. Take small steps if you have to. Start a gratitude journal celebrating your own charms, romanticise your life, learn how to make yourself feel great, so that you’re not hanging on every word that comes out of his damn mouth. Start formulating a way to improve your relationship, or an exit plan if need be.
Set some stronger boundaries and call him out on his bullshit, because you deserve a real man. One who provides love and safety and support. Someone who is all in, and wants to build a future with you. Nothing less is worthy of your mind, body and soul.
Remove the blinkers and ask yourself if you are really lucky to have him, or are you just settling? No more kissing frogs, take off that cloak and show the world what you’re made of. An incarnation of the divine feminine, the creator of life and the deepest source of love and sensuality. Perhaps it’s time to join the thousands of women who are going boy sober. Not because they can’t get a guy, but because they are waiting for the worthy guy. I’ll say it again…it’s not your job to sit around looking pretty and taking shit from some dude. You are worthy of so much more.
I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. If you need to be reminded how amazing you are, you can WhatsApp me to book an appointment. 0833613255
