The first step towards self confidence is not being afraid to be ugly or disliked. Nobody is perfect, so stop trying to be. Focus on your strengths, not your perceived imperfections, and watch your life bloom. Water your own garden and stop weeding for others. Once you get over the fear of being seen as ugly or unpopular and stop equating beauty with other good things in life (friends, love, happiness) it’s a lot easier to love yourself unconditionally.
Beauty is an inside job, and our exterior should amplify these qualities. You do not have to be pretty to receive love. You do not have to swallow your words or your pride to be accepted. You will never be too much in the right company. So take a course, book a holiday, travel solo, invest in yourself. Don’t worry so much about your itty bitty titties or those wrinkles gathering around your eyes.
Because guess what ? Your looks will fade, sis, it’s inevitable. Botox at 40 might be beautiful, but it still looks like Botox at 40. And those partners who only saw your beauty as skin deep will fade away as your body begins to age. Those people you worked so hard to people please? Gone as soon as you put your foot down and show the authentic you. So learn to see those smile lines as the result of a life well lived. Those frown lines as the proof of wisdom gained through experience.
Your job is not to sit around taking shit and being easy on the eye. Your job is to do exactly what fills your heart and soul with happiness, and look however you want whilst doing it.
I once got told I look ugly when I cry. Imagine being expected to be visually pleasing while your heart is breaking? I guess I missed that class in school…you know, the one where they take all the girls aside and teach them to sob prettily into a handkerchief? So that guy had to go! My advice is this:
Don’t hide how you feel to make other people more comfortable.
Wear that dress
Say the thing that’s been on your mind
Be wild
Be unconventional
Be unapologetic about the passions that course through your veins
Cultivate boundaries like a motherf*cker.
You only get this one shot to live this life. So live it to the full. Live it with authenticity. Find your soul’s tribe and to hell with the rest. Carpe Diem bitches.
Have you ever noticed how so many of us end up trying to change the ones we love? They were just fine in the beginning, but then we started to notice that who they were didn’t line up with our expectation of who we thought they were? Or those red flags that we told ourselves were minor are suddenly blazing across the sky like Haley’s Comet?
This is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who this person was before you fell in love with them. You skipped over the understanding of what this person was actually offering you, blinded by a cocktail of charm and oxytocin. You dived in so quickly, ripping your clothes off faster than your inner child at an Easter egg hunt. In fact, ahem, you shoved it in your mouth so fast you didn’t even check what was inside that shiny wrapper! It takes time to peel back that pretty packaging, and if you didn’t wait long enough to see what was really inside, you might have ended up with a flavour not to your liking. You leaped before you looked, and when this happens, love can turn into attachment to an idea, rather than reality. Like when Harry Potter’s Every Flavoured Beans ended up tasting like ear wax or toad warts instead of cream pie? We’ve all been there.
Prince charming hooted at the gate, or asked you to split the bill, or did another kind of split after breakfast in bed. And while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you’re wondering how the eggs got scrambled.
The thing is, when you don’t really know who someone is, you start filling in the blanks with hope, potential, or who your starry eyes wish them to be. You imbue them with every magical quality your heart ever imagined, and then feel let down when your unsuspecting lover didn’t get the memo!
You’re already building a future with a version of somebody who doesn’t actually exist, and wondering why they aren’t on the same page. Or worse, they already showed a little of who they are and you turned a blind eye. Sure it was a disarming, white washed version of themselves, and you decided you could change them with a few subtle tweaks. If you just loved them enough, or guided them enough, or inspired them enough with your pretty picture of the future. The one you already painted and framed over the mantelpiece.
Yes, as women we are programmed to nurture, but it is not your role to mother a grown-ass man. And if you cast yourself into the parental role, he will respond as the child. He will rebel or become argumentative, and you will be stuck holding the stick or the carrot. Suddenly finding yourself counting his drinks or nagging him to eat dinner. Reminding him to brush his teeth or to take out the trash. Offering rewards for good behaviour or accepting bribes for bad. And this is not conscious love, this is you carrying the full weight of responsibility for both of you. This is you burning out while he turns loving him into a f*cking chore.
And yet, you chose this, perhaps not consciously, but by default when you dived into the deep end to catch somebody you barely knew. You chose a man who was unworthy, was unwilling to rise, and fell head over heels before you realised.
Maybe he wasn’t ready, or hadn’t figured it out yet. Or maybe you get validation from uplifting others. But before you try to heal a love match, make sure they are ready to live without the poison. Because a partner is not supposed to be a project, and you are not supposed to be a rehabilitation centre for f*ckwits or f*ckboys.
Because let’s face it, if he wanted to change, he would have done so already. You could spend years investing in something that was broken from the very beginning, or you could take some time to find somebody willing to grow with you. To co-create with you. To build a future with you.
So this is me calling myself out on my own bullshit, and calling you out on yours too. The choice is yours, so choose wisely.
I am a life coach & wellness coach. You ban book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU POST TRAUMATIC STRESS?
The answer is yes, your relationship can give you post traumatic stress and it’s all in the name. It’s the stress that you feel after a traumatic incident, such as a fight or being threatened. During a fight, your body goes into flight or flight mode, a reflex designed to save your life. It dates back to our caveman days, where you needed extra adrenalin to fight a bear or outrun a mountain lion. But in today’s world we are seldom being chased by bears. So when our body gets flooded by adrenaline we cannot always use it to fight or to run. And when the trauma is over, our body gets stuck in this loop of re-living the stress and feeling unsafe.
PTSD can be the result of one big, upsetting incident, or a string of bad situations that you can’t control. But each time something bad happens to you, your ability to bounce back becomes less.
In severe cases it affects your sleep and can give you nightmares, or flash backs. You will find your head going round and round in circles and a constant knot in your stomach. And just when you think you’re feeling normal, you’ll suddenly be overwhelmed by anxiety for no apparent reason.
Here are some other symptoms you might be experiencing: Behavioural: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behaviour, or social isolation. Psychological: flashbacks, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust. Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness. Sleep: insomnia or nightmares Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts.
So what you can you do to recover from PTSD? Firstly, try and remove yourself from the situation that is keeping you trapped in this loop. Once you are feeling safe, your nervous system can begin to start self- regulation. Secondly, talk to somebody about it, expressing your feeling about a traumatic event, and talking about what happened to you helps your brain to process it, and your body to begin working through it. Thirdly, you can use some tools to cope when you feel overwhelmed: -Distancing yourself from the situation. -A change of environment. -Yoga to shift your focus away from the trauma and into balancing on one leg, or finger, or whatever pretzel shape your teacher has in mind for you. -Get outside, take off your shoes, walk in nature a bit. Grounding, also known as earthing,works by connecting the human body to the Earth’s natural electric charge, typically through direct skin contact. This connection helps neutralize free radicals and potentially reduce inflammation by transferring electrons from the Earth to the body. This can lead to various reported benefits like reduced pain, improved sleep, and decreased stress levels. -Breathing, the trick is to take long, slow exhales. Try breathing in for 4 counts, then out for 8. As you relax, you might be able to shift this into a ratio of 6/12 or 8/16. A slow exhale switches your Vegas nerve into parasympathetic mode, tricking your brain and body into feeling calmer. Effectively switching off the fight or flight reflex.
PTSD recovery is possible and involves a combination of professional treatment, self-care strategies, and support from loved ones. While some individuals recover naturally, professional help, including therapy and sometimes medication, is often needed for effective management and healing.
Recovery is a process, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs.Accepting that healing takes time and being kind to oneself are crucial.
Maintaining a healthy diet, getting enough rest, and engaging in enjoyable activities can contribute to overall well-being and recovery. Start by doing small things that make you happy and relaxed every day, try some meditation and positive visualisations, and remember to be patient with yourself.
I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can get in touch with me to book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255
A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.
We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.
Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?
In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery. So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.
Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner? Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.
The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.
You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.
Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)
The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play. This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation). You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).
The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.
In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.
Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.
And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.
And if you’re the the prey? You’re the one who is emotionallyvulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions. You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession? And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.
It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe. Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse. Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.
And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.” And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself. This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma. A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart. So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.
I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.
If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.
My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).
Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.
Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.
Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.
Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.
What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?
Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role. You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.
If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.
Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.
Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.
Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.
So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.
But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”. This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.
As a result you may experience:
Hormonal Changes: Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties. Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms: -Joint pain: Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis. -Fatigue: Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels. -Weight gain: Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation. -Mood changes and depression: Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:
I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause: -Diet: Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation. -Exercise: Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain. -Stress management: Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation. -Prioritize sleep: Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.
*I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓
*I offer meditation
*I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips
*I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.
I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body. Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me. I can help. WhatsApp 0833613255
WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?
There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship . *Secure *Anxious (or preoccupied) *Avoidant (or dismissive) *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant). These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.
So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.
Here’s a brief overview of each style: Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.
Anxious Attachment: Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.
Disorganized Attachment: This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.
If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.
So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns. You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.
Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.
We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?
There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.
But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?
If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then? From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.
Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex? Never? Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?
For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband. I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife. Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life. And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good. And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.
He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward. In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.
I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this; I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did. I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong. My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.
So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.
So here are some things I have learned along the way. *Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep. *Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal. *Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised. *Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet. *Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.
*No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours. *Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.
In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess. But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship. And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part. And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.
But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.
And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.
But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.
Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.
You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.
So here’s a hot tip 🔥 If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.
There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing…. But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?
Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?
What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?
You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?
Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.
When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?
If we should stay or go?
Persevere or cut and run?
This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember . But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.
And the crunch?
None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking? So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.
Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.
If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision. Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline. To walk away. To take back your energy. To re-evaluate our needs and priorities. To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall? Not everybody is for everyone. And time is not promised to anyone. So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.
THE SABOTEUR ARCHETYPE We all know them, the celebrity who overdosed. The politician with the sex scandal…but this pattern of self sabotage can show up in your friend or partner too. For many people, success brings up all their fears. Because of low self-worth, self-esteem and not feeling worthy, the pressure of having to maintain their success becomes too hard to bear. So, they do something ‘dumb’ to bring themselves back to a level that doesn’t put so much pressure on them. Think of those people living a life most of us dream about, and yet they sabotage their success, in some way, because holding themselves to a high standard can be exhausting.
The saboteur Archetype is characterised by negative mental patterns that undermine your performance and well-being. It’s the voice in your head that fuels self-doubt, fear, and resistance to growth. Its often disguised as helpful, but ultimately leading to self-sabotage, preventing us from taking risks or stepping up.
It’s cooking a romantic dinner and then picking a fight at the table. It’s your beautiful friend dating unworthy men, or your tendency to procrastinate when a big job is required of you.
This internal sabotage generates a lot of discomfort, in the form of negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, self doubt, frustration and unhappiness.
The internal saboteur will actively work against your progress and success, hindering your ability to reach goals and realise your potential. You will drink too much at an important work occasion, or kiss somebody at a party that you shouldn’t.
For me, it was breast implants. I didn’t feel confident in myself so I thought a pair of toxic tits would fix my mindset. They were a disaster, my body rejected them, I got sick. But I kept redoing the surgery, using up all my leave and extra cash. 7 surgeries in 17 years and still I was adamant I wanted to keep them. They leaked all over my chest, they swelled up, and still I couldn’t feel like ‘me’ without them. Until the surgeon said no, take time to heal, she forced me to redefine who I was without them.
This self defeating behaviour can show up in relationships, in passive aggressive comments or infidelity. Worst of all, it’s an automatic pattern! We think, feel and respond a certain way on auto pilot.
We make fear-based decisions that block our empowerment and success, sabotaging our efforts without our conscious awareness.
So if it’s unconscious, how do we overcome this? The key is awareness. We need to actively challenge negative thoughts, to rewire how we think about things. We need to cultivate forgiveness and self-compassion, so we don’t block ourselves from taking calculated risks.
We need to start focusing on our strengths and celebrate our successes
By understanding our self sabotage and working to overcome it, we can unlock our true potential and achieve greater success and well-being.
So next time you find yourself about to do dumb shit to get you out of situations that you don’t feel worthy of, take a breath and change your tactics.
I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.
You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 