Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.
Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.
So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.
But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”. This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.
As a result you may experience:
Hormonal Changes: Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties. Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms: -Joint pain: Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis. -Fatigue: Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels. -Weight gain: Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation. -Mood changes and depression: Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:
I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause: -Diet: Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation. -Exercise: Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain. -Stress management: Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation. -Prioritize sleep: Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.
*I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓
*I offer meditation
*I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips
*I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.
I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body. Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me. I can help. WhatsApp 0833613255
WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?
There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship . *Secure *Anxious (or preoccupied) *Avoidant (or dismissive) *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant). These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.
So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.
Here’s a brief overview of each style: Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.
Anxious Attachment: Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.
Disorganized Attachment: This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.
If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.
So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns. You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.
Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.
We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?
There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.
But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?
If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then? From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.
Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex? Never? Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?
For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband. I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife. Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life. And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good. And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.
He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward. In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.
I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this; I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did. I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong. My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.
So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.
So here are some things I have learned along the way. *Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep. *Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal. *Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised. *Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet. *Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.
*No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours. *Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.
In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess. But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship. And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part. And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.
But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.
And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.
But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.
Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.
You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.
So here’s a hot tip 🔥 If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.
There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing…. But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?
Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?
What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?
You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?
Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.
When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?
If we should stay or go?
Persevere or cut and run?
This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember . But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.
And the crunch?
None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking? So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.
Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.
If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision. Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline. To walk away. To take back your energy. To re-evaluate our needs and priorities. To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall? Not everybody is for everyone. And time is not promised to anyone. So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.
THE SABOTEUR ARCHETYPE We all know them, the celebrity who overdosed. The politician with the sex scandal…but this pattern of self sabotage can show up in your friend or partner too. For many people, success brings up all their fears. Because of low self-worth, self-esteem and not feeling worthy, the pressure of having to maintain their success becomes too hard to bear. So, they do something ‘dumb’ to bring themselves back to a level that doesn’t put so much pressure on them. Think of those people living a life most of us dream about, and yet they sabotage their success, in some way, because holding themselves to a high standard can be exhausting.
The saboteur Archetype is characterised by negative mental patterns that undermine your performance and well-being. It’s the voice in your head that fuels self-doubt, fear, and resistance to growth. Its often disguised as helpful, but ultimately leading to self-sabotage, preventing us from taking risks or stepping up.
It’s cooking a romantic dinner and then picking a fight at the table. It’s your beautiful friend dating unworthy men, or your tendency to procrastinate when a big job is required of you.
This internal sabotage generates a lot of discomfort, in the form of negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, self doubt, frustration and unhappiness.
The internal saboteur will actively work against your progress and success, hindering your ability to reach goals and realise your potential. You will drink too much at an important work occasion, or kiss somebody at a party that you shouldn’t.
For me, it was breast implants. I didn’t feel confident in myself so I thought a pair of toxic tits would fix my mindset. They were a disaster, my body rejected them, I got sick. But I kept redoing the surgery, using up all my leave and extra cash. 7 surgeries in 17 years and still I was adamant I wanted to keep them. They leaked all over my chest, they swelled up, and still I couldn’t feel like ‘me’ without them. Until the surgeon said no, take time to heal, she forced me to redefine who I was without them.
This self defeating behaviour can show up in relationships, in passive aggressive comments or infidelity. Worst of all, it’s an automatic pattern! We think, feel and respond a certain way on auto pilot.
We make fear-based decisions that block our empowerment and success, sabotaging our efforts without our conscious awareness.
So if it’s unconscious, how do we overcome this? The key is awareness. We need to actively challenge negative thoughts, to rewire how we think about things. We need to cultivate forgiveness and self-compassion, so we don’t block ourselves from taking calculated risks.
We need to start focusing on our strengths and celebrate our successes
By understanding our self sabotage and working to overcome it, we can unlock our true potential and achieve greater success and well-being.
So next time you find yourself about to do dumb shit to get you out of situations that you don’t feel worthy of, take a breath and change your tactics.
I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.
You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
Let me tell you something about the ageing process. It humbles you. That kick ass body that you always took for granted is suddenly bulging over your low rise jeans. Your beautiful mane of hair is thinning and your butt is beginning to sag. The wrinkles come out of nowhere and your hormones go out of whack. Yes, it’s a shit show after 45.
Or is it? This lifetime is a journey of becoming. Of personal growth, honing instincts and acquiring wisdom.
I have always been in the modeling and entertainment industry, where there is a heavy emphasis on how you look. But slowly life has been changing me, forcing me to look inwards to discover beauty.
It’s a process of shedding your skin. Some processes more painful than others. First it was the false nails, impossible to maintain in an aerial studio. And who needs them really?
Then it was the big 4 Oh! And along came the panic about getting older and a solid 5 year Botox binge. Enter the fantastical filler flirtation, both temporary and unsustainable, I dropped that particular obsession by 45. Are we not just prolonging the inevitable, afterall? Don’t get me wrong, there were days where I stared in the mirror before a date and regretted my divorce from injectibles. But I stood firm in the belief that I have more to offer than my face.
Photoshop was a fascinating distraction for a while, perfecting every tummy roll and blemish. And then realising it’s pretty toxic to present this fake version of perfection to the world. To set unrealistic standards for other women to loathe themselves by. And so I let that go too, deliberately posting images with the belly rolls and wrinkles, because let’s be real…we all have them.
Then came the biggie, the breast implant drama. After 17 years and 7 surgeries, I had to let them go. It was never smooth sailing, I had complications right from the start. Fluid running down my chest, swelling, and finally a rupture which filled my chest with silicone. One has to question a beauty aesthetic which requires women to slice open their chests, pry the muscle off their rib cage, and insert a pair of silicone bags in the name of beauty. But I bought into that idea big time. And when they had to be removed for good… I cried, I mourned them, I felt like I had had a mastectomy. Because after 17 years they felt like my own breasts and they were gone. And then I felt all this guilt and self loathing because I had brought this upon myself. And as I lay in that hospital bed with my soul laid bare, I started the long road to my next and greatest mind shift. I AM ENOUGH.
Enter the mermaid phase. It washed over me like a tidal wave, a silicone tail being a healthier choice than the toxic titties. Freediving, skin diving, mermaid shows and the era of the hair extensions. God I felt beautiful as a mermaid, I still do. How I loved having long, thick, beautiful hair. And how sad I felt to let them go. And how surprising to realise I didn’t need those hair extensions either.
Que arthritis and swollen discs in my spine. Perfectly understandable after 17 years of pole dance fitness and the aerial arts. For so many years pole dance had made me feel beautiful, like a goddess spinning through the air. It fulfilled me in ways my marriage never could, a pure internal self love growing into a more confident and happy version of myself. But now life has other plans for me, or for my spine at least! It’s been difficult to accept these changes with grace, but I’m discovering new ways to embody the goddess within. So I’m spinning less and uplifting women in other ways. I’m sharing my many beautiful skills with my life coaching clients and we are rising together.
Perhaps I’m getting better with self acceptance, or dare I say self love, the hardest journey of all. I can feel I’m starting to step into the next phase of womanhood. From maiden to mother to wild woman. So although I might cling to my eyelash extensions a little longer, I’m enjoying embodying the wisdom that comes from experience, and focusing less on trying to look 35.
I still catch myself sometimes taking that sideways glance in the mirror whilst entangled in a yoga pose, registering the wrinkles with surprise and dismay. Caught off guard. Judging myself based on how I look, more unkind to myself than to my worst frenemies.
But each of these sheddings has shown me more of who I am, on the inside. Not defined by breasts or youth. Not defined by prettiness or people pleasing. But rather defined by who I am on the inside. Life is a process of becoming. Of shedding. Of death and rebirth. Of rising from the ashes. It’s up to us to define who we are and our value to the world. Take your power back. It was never theirs to hold.
I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.
There are many reasons for deciding to enter into a relationship with a coach. And many coaches out there to help you find your way.
Maybe you need to set some goals? Maybe you have some problems at work? Maybe your personal life just went down the toilet? There are different types of coaches, each choosing their niche based on what their own life experience. Some have embraced a spiritual approach, or a new age approach. Some espouse traditional values and roles, and others may specialise in addiction or career building.
So choose a coach who you admire, one who has already created the life you desire.
Now I’m not saying that the coach you choose needs to be schizophrenic to help you with your schizophrenia. But I am saying that experience and niche should play an important role in your choice.
So if you’re looking for a mushroom journey, choose someone who has experienced many, not just facilitated them. A coach who has been divorced will have unique insights into your relationship.
A coach who has lived in long term relationships or had children might be the ideal person for your journey, or one who has the free spirit of a gypsey. Whoever you choose, pick a coach who has come out the other side stronger, who has tried and tested techniques . A coach who can give you hope rather than fear.
I focus mostly on woman empowerment, on a personal level. Techniques to improve your self esteem, insight into yourself and your relationships. Awakening your inner goddess. That doesn’t mean I’ve always felt like a goddess, there have been some hard things I have had to work through to get here. Some crazy mistakes and epic comebacks, and they will keep coming. I’m passionate about helping women to bloom into the most beautiful version of themselves, inside and out.
I haven’t posted for a while because I’m going through a lot of personal stuff right now. I’ve been focusing on me and my process to get through it, and it’s been really tough. But I’m still here, showing up for myself, exploring boundaries and wiser for it.
So to all the coaches out there who may feel that their lives aren’t perfect, it is the way that you have overcome your own obstacles that makes you an effective mentor. It’s your life experience that guides you to help others in their decision making It’s your emotional processes that can lead your client through a tough time. Experiences forged through pure grit, ice and fire.
So next time you feel unworthy due to a personal circumstance, take some time out to process your loss, grief or trauma. Remember there is a client out there seeking your wisdom. Not textbook wisdom, but raw, real life experience. Everyone wanders in the wilderness sometimes, and it’s how you find your way back to yourself that is the gift you can offer. I see you ✨
I am a holistic life coach, relationship coach, and wellness coach. You can book a session via WhatsApp 0833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 