Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause. CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash. So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way. Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships. What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too. With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely. It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.
With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty. When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode. Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night. Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image. You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.
In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.
So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.
Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.
And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.
So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation. You deserve more. You are worthy. You are enough.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Ladies, my posts are for YOU. I spend a good amount of time deleting any unwanted male energy from my profile. So why the sexy images? If you are triggered by these, let me tell you my story.
I was an awkward child, shy and without many friends. If my one and only friend skipped primary school, I would sit alone at break and read my book. I still love reading today, and it has made my journey as an author so much easier too
When I got to high school, I decided a re-brand was in order. I forced myself to come out of my shell, I made as many friends as I could, and I learned how to speak to boys. And you know what happened? The boys liked me too much, and the girls became competitive, bitchy, insecure (let’s face it). Rumours, accusations, even threats of physical violence. Jeez I hated high school! Women are taught at a young age to hate on other women, to slut shame other women, simply because some dude thinks they are pretty or interesting.
I started modelling at 16, mostly to improve my self esteem. My parents did not understand what I was trying to do, “fake it till you make it”, ya know what I mean? So they weren’t very supportive and there was a lot of criticism. My mother would continually tell me that beauty comes from inside. And she was right, of course, in her own way. At the end of the day we need to focus on our inner selves as well. Find a balance, and the path to self appreciation.
But here’s the thing, I got the psychology degree, the 2 kids, the divorce because I didn’t play small. I got the life coaching diploma, the pole dancing studio, the yoga qualifications. As women we need to come back to wholeness. To self love. To balance. Integrating the yin and the yang. Pole dance and burlesque really helped me with self love and appreciation. The kind you can’t get from the outside. From your bored husband or your wandering boyfriend. Yes, beauty is on the inside, and learning self love is the greatest journey you will ever embark on. But woman have been taught to suppress their sensuality, their goddess energy. To bow under the judgement of others and douse their inner fire.
Even as an adult, there is pressure to play it down. But being a safe woman does not mean being a small woman. Be out there, by all means, just don’t take someone else’s husband along for the ride! And ladies, we are here to support each other and Iift each other up. There should not be competition between strong, or wild women. This woman does not need your man. And let’s be real here for a second. You cannot steal a man who is not willing to be stolen, unless you brought your cable ties and duct tape.
Women are not just maidens, mothers, whores, crones. We are ALL of these things. And to be a highly functioning woman, a fully integrated embodiment of the divine feminine, we need to embrace all of these aspects of ourselves. Honour our bodies and our needs in a relationship that sees us in all our aspects, or in our sovereign single state.
So if my posts are provoking an uncomfortable reaction in you, perhaps we could chat about how to integrate these more sensual aspects into your psyche. How to embrace all that you can be, and stop playing small. You are not just somebody’s girlfriend, somebody mother. You are not a washed up ok crone. You are an enchantress, a goddess full of life and love. Do not apologise for your roar, lioness.
I am a life coach and relationship coach. You can book a session on WhatsApp 0833613255
You know what’s really sexy? A man who is in touch with his emotions. One who can talk about them and hold space for yours. A man who can listen to your feedback without feeling criticised. A man who can listen and respond without lashing out. This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a high value trophy.
Do you want to know 3 little words that will make her nervous system relax when she comes to you with a problem? 3 words that will turn her into a lamb instead of a snarling She Wolf? “Babe, I hear you”.
Or when she asks you for a change? “Babe, I got this”.
So how do achieve this state in the middle of world war 3 playing out in your kitchen?
Firstly, JUST… STOP… TALKING. Try to listen. Even better, do this before she starts losing her mind and shrieking at you. Because let’s face it, she probably didn’t start out shouting at the top of her lungs. She came to you with an issue and you deflected it, gasliighted her, got defensive or escalated her tone. You reacted to her reaction to YOUR behaviour. Because no matter what you said or did, she isn’t allowed to show irritation?
Dude, this war zone could have been prevented with a few emotionally intelligent skills, but here we are. (Again).
So now you’ve skipped the mediation phase and went straight to DEFCON 1. You need crisis management. You need to stop what you are doing and put away the big guns. There are no sticks and stones here, only words. (Why is it that most men will rather fight a lion than deal with emotions?) This might go against your every instinct, but do not react, or lash out. Do not respond, don’t even fucking blink. Just shut it and listen. It’s not that hard, you got this big boy! Then, when she has had her say, tell her that you heard her. Say it. “Ok, I hear you”. If she does not die of shock on the spot, she will exhale. Both of you need to breathe, big slow exhales. Take a few deep breaths. You’ll both need a moment to calm down.
Now is your time to respond. Not yet with solutions. With confirmation. ‘It sounds like you are upset because…’ ‘I can hear that … is really bothering you’ ‘Im sorry that … upset you’ Show her that you understand what she has expressed to you. Gain clarity, mirror her words. And if it’s you that is the problem, you’re the lucky bastard who can actually solve this. So that’s a good thing.
“Babe, I’m going to do better”. “Honey, I’m so sorry”. “Sweetheart, I got this”. No whining, no “I’m trying”, no tantrums. Speak in absolutes, Take responsibility for your crap, and assure her you have understood the problem. That you have it under control.
And then most importantly, DO THE THING. There is no room for your good intentions here. Everyone has good intentions. Even psychopaths might start the day without plotting to eat your brains with a nice Chianti. There is room for action and problem solving here, and this is where your strength lies. So be reliable, keep your word. Stick to your promises. Formulate an action plan to avoid future pit falls. You’re an intelligent guy, so stop falling into the same trap.
Get that right, and her nervous system stops the steeple chase and begins to relax. She will stop running away from you, she will stop attacking you. She will begin to feel safe. Fight or flight mode disengaged.
Words and emotions are not your enemy. Avoidance is. Don’t sweep things under the rug, and avoid difficult conversations. Don’t lash out and react with anger everytime she wants to discuss something with you. Take a deep breath and hear her out. Check in with each other regularly. Are we reaching our goals, are we doing better at XYZ? Accept feedback.
This is how a conscious relationship grows, and you avoid making the same mistakes. . This is how you move forward instead of losing your way and walking in circles. Avoid the downward spiral and inevitable decline. It’s time to pack away your safari suit and step out of the jungle.
This is your relationship, not a fucking bear hunt.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
I think one of the best things about getting older is learning to stand my ground. People have often underestimated me in the past, made assumptions about my intelligence or my calm nature.
I have been looked down on as a silly blonde, I have been bullied and often treated with less respect than I deserve. Boundaries trampled and being too nice to say anything about it.
And then something began to change on the inside as I got older…although I still love to please people, make a good impression and get along…I won’t do it at my own personal expense. I think it boils down to finding confidence in my courage, and learning to speak my mind when I feel that I am being bulldozed. It’s about knowing my worth in business and in my personal life. Connecting to my inner fire and caring less about what people think.
Especially people who do not matter or who don’t seem to mind the way they behave towards me. And guess what? Nobody died! In fact people respected me more, or are at least a bit more careful about how they treat me or what they say to me.
So set those boundaries, stand up for yourself and do not entertain toxic people or bullies. They will respect you more for it, or remove themselves from your space.
I can help you stand in your power too. I offer Life coaching and relationship coaching with a special interest in relationships and women empowerment..Wellness coaching too. Appointments: WhatsApp 0833613255
So my partner and I have had a few ‘discussions’ about this….some calmer than others! Some people are not into social media, which can be a problem if one partner is. Your partner might not understand why you are on your phone so much, but it’s not necessarily doom scrolling. Sometimes it’s marketing, or content creation. Or selecting a playlist or googling an article. But if your partner has a different kind of job, one that ends at 5pm, or one where they are not internet based, they might not understand what you are doing on there all the time! It doesn’t mean you are addicted to your phone, as many things can be operated from there. So it’s important to set boundaries with social media, for example no phones after dinner. Your clients can wait till office hours, it’s a healthy boundary to set. Or offer a quick explanation, for example, I’m checking my bank balance so I can recharge the prepaid meter. This should minimise the annoyance your partner might feel about your screen time, imagining you are scrolling rather than spending time with them.
Also, social media breeds comparison, it sets impossible standards that are not real. For example, I get embarassed when I do a birthday post or a gratitude post for my partner when he doesn’t respond. What will people think, is this a one sided relationship? But the truth is he is not on social media much, so I have to tell him to go and look at what I wrote. And if he wants to show me his appreciation he will make me something with his hands, or show up with a chocolate.
Social media is the equivalent of public displays of affection, which we all crave, but that doesn’t make it real, it can be quite the opposite in fact! You see people gushing over their partner and separated the next day. Its performance and not reality.
So set some rules of engagement, some healthy boundaries, and communicate more. It will go a long way in your relationship.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
There has been a lot of talk about conscious relationships, and one of the key ingredients is the ability to talk about our feelings. And then how to respond without defensiveness.
My partner of 6 years once told me he has never discussed his feelings before in a relationship. Never spoken about sex, or any of the other things that come up for us. He has had 3 long relationships, yet never felt able or challenged to share his feelings. And the sad part is this is true for many men, taught to suppress their feelings.
There are 3 phases in a relationship, and I would like to expand on this concept.
The audition phase. This is where you show up as your best (and most unrealistic) self. A charade that hooks your partner, but is unsustainable. Or rather disintegrates into complacency.
The shadow boxing stage. This is where the love hormones begin to fade and the gremlins come out. Most couples never make it out of this phase, trading up or trading in for another partner. And so the cycle begins again.
The co-creation phase. This is where you learn to heal and respond to each other’s shadows in a constructive way, to build something meaningful that goes beyond the oxytocin, the sex, the anger and resentment. This is where you build a future, co-create a life that you both desire, and create a safe space for each other to express your emotions and design a relationship that elevates both partners to even more growth. Both of these things are not easy to do at first, but will help you grow through the icky phase into a better version of you as a couple.
It may be uncomfortable, it may be hard, but with the right partner it is worth it. So, are you addicted to oxytocin, jumping ship when things get rough…forever chasing that love hormone? Or are you in it for the full rollercoaster ride, and maybe, just maybe, with the right person….you will co-create something beautiful.
WhatsApp bookings for Relationship coaching and life coaching 0833613255
There is nothing quite like watching your daughter getting married. Tam and Lance setting off on the adventure of a lifetime after a year of living in different countries.
Witnessing the hope, the purity, the love between them is both humbling and inspiring.
Just imagine if we could keep that feeling forever. Beyond the oxytocin Beyond the chemistry Beyond the storms
The good news is that you possibly can. Most relationships suffer from basic maintenance. You know how he used to buy flowers and you used to tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world?
But then you both got busy, Kids, work, family stuff. And then suddenly you are wondering when the flame went out? Why you’re both unfulfilled?
Try a little bit of daily maintenance…
The coffee in bed, the lingering kiss, the 20 second hug when you walk in the door. Small things, holding her hands or resting yours on her lower back Cooking a favourite meal Date night All the little things you did naturally in the beginning. ❤️ My wish for you is a lifetime of love and happiness. May your infinity knot stay forever tied Lance & Tam
Sometimes rebirth can feel like a death to the ones left behind, yet this cycle is essential for growth, change and happiness.
Yesterday my daughter and new son in law boarded a plane for Australia. We have shared our lives and our home for 22 years. We have built such a beautiful life together, and now a new cycle is beginning. What a brave and wonderful adventure to embark on.
And what a loss for those of us who are left behind. Having a child is like feeling your heart beating outside your body. Living, loving, hurting with no way to keep it safe.
I knew this day would come, and worked tirelessly for a year to make it happen for you. Citizenship Passports Driving lessons Dentists Doctors Wedding plans Packing a life into 3 suitcases.
Perhaps the definition of love is to do things for somebody even though the outcome will hurt you. Learning to surrender to something you cannot control or change. What an experience this life is turning out to be.
The highs The lows The uncertainty
And yet the cycle goes on. Death, rebirth, grief, denial, bargaining, acceptance still loading.
Tam and Lance, I know in my heart you will create a beautiful new life in Australia, full of love, new experiences and adventure. Go and share your magic with the world ✨
I love you both and we will see each other again. This is going to be a lot to get used to, for all of us. Bon voyage ❤️
Model: Candice Storm, Photographer: Mark Greenslade
RED RIDING HOOD AND THE WOLF Just because he is pursuing you, doesn’t mean he deserves to have you, ladies. We’ve been taught that our value lies in being wanted, to be flattered by being noticed, that being chased means being chosen. But sometimes being chosen just means being used. Afterall, who is doing the choosing? Do you really want him, or do you just want to be wanted? Not everyone who chases you is for you, or even good for you, and people have their own agendas. Some men will choose you to fulfil their needs, to extract your feminine essence from you. While others might choose you to uplift and worship you, and it’s not always easy to see the difference at the outset.
We’ve all done it. Started a relationship with somebody because it felt so great to feel chosen. But then you have a huge rupture in that relationship because of something he has done and he says, “at least I don’t cheat on you.” (Insert here that amazing thing you are supposed to be grateful for). And for a moment we are grateful for this. But why? Why the need for excuses to justify that he is actually such a great guy, despite the fact that he…..? Maybe if you’re having to talk yourself into this situationship there could be a red flag (or two) that you’re determined to ignore? To stay in your comfort zone, perhaps?
So let’s break this down. This dude wants you to overlook his toxic behaviour, or maybe his abuse, or perhaps it’s alcoholism, or narcissistic rage…because he knows how to keep his dick in his pants? So we’re all good here?
Um, ok, so you can insult your partner, attack her, bully her, be a complete waste of space, but she should be grateful to have you because you haven’t been shagging someone else behind her back? Or perhaps because no other woman in her right mind would take home such a specimen? And in return for your awesome fidelity she should be your mother, your therapist, your wife, your tantrika? What a great trade off (for YOU, mister)!
Dear women of the world, please do not settle for this emotional blackmail. Just because he is faithful does not mean he is a good guy. Or that he is even nearly good enough for you. You deserve someone who is faithful AND treats you well. Someone who is reliable and provides safety for your weary heart. Your relationship is not a multiple choice test with only one right answer.
You deserve someone who takes you away for a romantic weekend because they love you, not because they owe you an apology. You deserve someone who you can take to your fancy event, or a family lunch with the confidence that they know how to be sober and make you proud. The man who will buy you a special gift because you mean the world to him, not the guy who is using his wallet to manipulate you.
And as for that one who wants to finance a set of double D’s and keeps bringing it up every time you get naked? Well ain’t that just the gift that tells you how sub-standard you are? What a generous guy, please feel free to kick him to the kerb, sis. You are beautiful and worthy and not in need of any further enhancements to suit his tastes, even if he does look like Brad Pitt.
There are many things that a woman should be grateful for in her relationship, but the fact that he does not beat you up isn’t one of them. You do not have to be grateful for fidelity, or peace, or sobriety. These things are a given, they are to be expected and appreciated and returned in kind.
Now I’m not saying you need to run out the door without regard to your personal safety or the means to feed your children. But what I am saying is please stop selling yourself short, today. Take small steps if you have to. Start a gratitude journal celebrating your own charms, romanticise your life, learn how to make yourself feel great, so that you’re not hanging on every word that comes out of his damn mouth. Start formulating a way to improve your relationship, or an exit plan if need be.
Set some stronger boundaries and call him out on his bullshit, because you deserve a real man. One who provides love and safety and support. Someone who is all in, and wants to build a future with you. Nothing less is worthy of your mind, body and soul.
Remove the blinkers and ask yourself if you are really lucky to have him, or are you just settling? No more kissing frogs, take off that cloak and show the world what you’re made of. An incarnation of the divine feminine, the creator of life and the deepest source of love and sensuality. Perhaps it’s time to join the thousands of women who are going boy sober. Not because they can’t get a guy, but because they are waiting for the worthy guy. I’ll say it again…it’s not your job to sit around looking pretty and taking shit from some dude. You are worthy of so much more.
I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. If you need to be reminded how amazing you are, you can WhatsApp me to book an appointment. 0833613255
KICKING THE HABIT Research has shown that addictions need to be looked at sociologically. Building strong and positive relationships and having an enriching environment will be the medicine you need to kick the habit. It’s a journey, and you need to focus on the process of working through the stages rather than judging yourself based on outcomes.
There are some tried and tested steps that can help you towards recovery. Most importantly, ask for help. Reach out to a friend or somebody you admire. Join an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (they can help you with gambling and drug addictions too), or find a sharing circle. And if this is happening to somebody you love, you can get support too. (I’ll cover this in my next article).
Step 1: Honesty Addiction causes a level of denial that can be quite challenging for onlookers to believe. No matter how much people push someone into recovery, unless they accept that there’s a problem, overcoming it is almost impossible. You’ll need to be honest with yourself about the level of your dependence on substances, and what lengths you’re willing to go to to get a fix. Not everybody can drink responsibly. You’ll need to admit that you are powerless over drugs or alcohol. Once you admit that it’s in control of you and not the other way around, you can get started.
Step 2: Faith Figure out your WHY Why did you become addicted. WHY do you need to change your behaviour? WHY do you need to turn your life around?
If you are able to accept that there is a higher power in the universe, this can help keep you on track. If you want God, or any higher power, to act on your behalf, it’s imperative that you believe it can. Accepting a higher power helps you to see life from a different perspective and creates a sense of accountability.
If you are an atheist or agnostic, learn about other philosophies such as stoicism or Buddhism, or find a person who can guide you and hold you accountable. Accountability is key.
Step 3: Surrender Welcome a higher power into your life by surrendering fully to a higher purpose. When people feel like their lives lack purpose and meaning, free will can run wild and lead you down dark pathways. Choosing a higher purpose helps you focus on the true meaning within your life so you can feel like a valuable member of society again. You could pick a charity, join a rotary club or get involved in some community work.
Step 4: Soul Searching Soul searching is a process, just like recovery. There is no single moment that defines healing. Instead, it’s a culmination of intentions and actions that lead you down the right path. Soul searching involves looking objectively inwards at yourself. When we’re caught up in addiction, our intentions can end up severely misaligned from how we behave. Most people have good intentions, that can get lost as your addiction interferes. Soul searching will help you become the person you want to be.
Step 5: Integrity Most of the people who don’t succeed in recovery struggle most with this step. One of the hardest things in life is being honest about things that make us appear vulnerable in front of other people. However, the more you learn to speak your truth, unfiltered, the more you’ll get from the recovery process. Accept that expressing your feelings is normal, and that honesty about setbacks and negative thoughts have a better chance of being conquered if you share them.
Step 6: Acceptance Addiction is often underpinned by low self-esteem and a negative opinion of yourself. Once you learn to accept that everyone has both good traits and bad characteristics, it’ll be easier to accept yourself. Sometimes, the hardest aspect of acceptance is letting go of the painful stories we tell ourselves about the past. Forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done may get to the root of the addicition. Once you accept your history, you can start telling yourself new, happy stories about your future. Focusing on moving forward, setting goals and obtaining the skills necessary to achieve them will keep you on the right path, and you’ll be free of addiction for good.
Step 7: Humility Antisocial behavior, such as using drugs or withdrawing from peers, often stems from a confused sense of self. Be humble, be open and willing to accept help. Take an interest in the people around you and accept help from them. Thank about it, don’t let pride stand in the way of your recovery. The more people you have in your corner, the easier it will be to stay on track. Being an addict might feel embarassing, but people are more understanding than you think. Taking the wrong actions as a result of your addiction is a lot more embarassing, you’ll need help to keep you from messing up. When you let go and ask for help, you relieve a huge weight of pressure from your life. Whether it’s your religion or cultivating a supportive friend group, learn to lean in. There is no shame in receiving support on your journey.
Step 8: Willingness to make amends Write a list of the people you’ve harmed and ponder carefully over your past actions. Instead of feeling guilty or wallowing in emotion, think of ideas to make amends. Rather than seeing this as a check-box exercise, genuinely show a willingness to repair the relationships you have broken. Take positive steps to connect with these people, say sorry, and explain the journey you have undertaken.
Step 9: Forgiveness If there are people in your past who have caused you pain or trauma or hurt you in any way, now is the time to let go. Resentment isn’t constructive for the mind. In fact, it breeds the type of feelings that make you more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol. Letting go of bad feelings — even if they’re aimed at people who do bad things — frees the soul. You could have a conversation with these people, write them a letter, even burn it rather than post it. Whatever works to get those feelings out in the open and stop spiralling inwards with these negative emotions.
Step 10: Maintenance Quitting an addiction is a long game. Throughout the entire process, you’ll be required to check back with yourself. Be totally honest with yourself about progress so that you can move forward. Remind yourself of your WHY, to help you stay on track. Look at your past slip-ups and put processes in place to make sure you don’t get caught again. Build a strategy that works for you.
Step 11: Making Contact Reach out to your higher power to find out what it’s purpose for you is. Or connect to your inner God/ Goddess and feel into what your calling could be. Everyone has a gift in life; no matter what it is, there’s something you can offer the world. When you’re working toward this purpose is when you’ll feel happiest.
Step 12: Service Service is all about action. This stage is about giving back. For the rest of your life, apply everything you have learned on this journey to help you build a brighter future for yourself. Help others, take somebody under your wing, serve and protect your family and friends. Mentor someone, uplift someone, share your gifts with the world. Building strong morals and supporting those around you will make you a pillar of strength in your family, friend group or community.
When I was studying psychology, I spent time volunteering at alcohol rehab clinics, assisting in the group therapy. I learned so many things in that time. At the end of the day, the only way to quit a habit is to QUIT. For once and for all, QUIT. No more excuses or bargaining. Stand resolute in your decision. This is your time to shine, to feel gratitude to those who have traveled with you through your darkest moments, and to give back. Show them what you are made of and stick to your chosen course through this life. It’s your life, and it’s time to move forward and embrace all the positive experiences that you will create through this process.
I am a life coach and wellness coach. You can send me a WhatsApp to book a session on 0833613255
