THE CRACKED MIRROR In my business I get to meet so many amazing women. Beautiful women. Vivacious women. Accomplished women. Compassionate women.
And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them. I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.
Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others. We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.
I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.
What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.
If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make? How would you make love if you felt beautiful? What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?
The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.
So just for today, start a journal. Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.
Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful” Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s change our mindsets. We are enough.
And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy. Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Talk of celibacy can bring up a lot of touchy emotions, unless the topic is about nuns.
And here’s the thing about sex…the way we think about it is changing. First women were told it’s dirty, something to be endured in order to make children.(1920’s) Then women were told they might as well enjoy it, as they’re going to have to do it for the rest of their lives. (1940’s) Then there was the free love era of the 1970’s, which must’ve felt very empowering at the time. But now? Celibacy can be a choice too. Whether you are single or repairing damage within a marriage. Yet somehow it’s being treated like some sort of mortal sin. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I spoke to a woman a while ago about her marriage. The suspicious texts and late nights at the office. The neglect she felt and the strings of affairs her husband had been having. And yet…mind-blowingly…she was still having sex with him. Offering her body up as a prayer, while disconnecting her heart from her womb. Allowing his betrayal to still enter her body in the most physical way, not just her heart and her mind. And it seemed impossible to me that women are expected to have sex with their partners within a marriage. No matter what. Now I know that the religious texts will come at this from the perspective that her body belongs to her husband. And his body belongs to his wife. And that he is expected to nurture and cherish her so she doesn’t need to worry about giving herself to him unconditionally. But is this ‘unconditional’ arrangement realistic in a world of scrolling and swiping right?
Is this unconditional access not damaging to the feminine psyche when the conditions are less than ideal?
Infidelity. Pregnancy. Illness. Post Partum. Grief. Conflict.
Have women been brainwashed to seek value by making their bodies available to men? Husbands or otherwise? This thought hits pretty close to home for many. It starts with women being treated as ornaments, and ends with them being treated as concubines. Are women only valued as a spouse or partner if they are sexually compliant and accessible? What about everything else she brings to the relationship?
For centuries a woman’s worth has been measured by her desirability. And men’s by how many cattle they own. But these old thought paradigms are losing relevance in a world where a woman can earn her own income and a man can be a stay at home dad.
The feminine is now feeling burnt out due to overfuctioning— emotionally, sexually, energetically, and she is beginning to re-draw her boundaries. If she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, held…she might not feel pressurised to submit to the sexual demands of her partner anymore.
And this is a good thing…She re-groups, shines up her energy field, focuses inward for a while. And emerges the enchantress, attracting her man to her when things are good between them. Instead of submitting begrudgingly. Using HER powers of seduction, allowing him to feel chosen. Worthy. And he knows that he can reach her through love and a new found appreciation, That he can entice her with his charm, love and emotional safety. Both receiving the best of each other. Her glow and desire a yardstick to measure his success by as a partner.
I’m not talking about a knee jerk reaction. I’m talking about conscious celibacy, where she keeps her freedom and sovereignty, she knows her worth and won’t stand for rejection or cheap seduction. She will love you out of devotion instead of guilt. She will feel secure in his love for her without needing to perform, but only if he is willing to evolve.
A woman calling back her creative energy is not a rejection. It’s an invitation. To rise together. To build something better. To co-create.
How would she make love to you if she chose you freely, and felt centred in her own desire rather than coerced to submit to yours?
Celibacy is calling for sacred union, emotional safety and devotion by both parties. A step back to a time where your partnership was based on something more than robotic intercourse. And men are starting to say no too, so this can work both ways. Celibacy can be an invitation for personal growth, a call to redirect both your energies, or it can be seen as a punishment. And that depends on the perspective you choose.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Once on the fringe of modern marriage, the tradition of Handfasting is starting to make a comeback as an alternative to traditional wedding ceremonies.
Handfasting is an ancient ritual from Celtic and Norse traditions, where the hands of the bride and groom were symbolically bound together in wedlock. A promise that lasted for a year and a day, with the option to renew or runl! Many people are unaware that our expression of ‘tying the knot’ comes from this pagan tradition. When a child was born the marriage would become permanent, providing more security for the woman and child.
While the core ritual of binding the hands remains, today’s ceremonies can include personal touches like using different colored ribbons to represent specific qualities or weaving cords from three strands to symbolize strength and unity.
In modern times, it is a welcome invitation to renew your vows every year. An invitation to put your best forward, or stay on your toes as the future is not promised. It never is, of course, but there is something to be said for having a deadline to work to, something that brings out the best in most of us! Also, a welcome opportunity to sit down and speak about the status of your relationship, where you are succeeding and what needs to be worked on. Something I believe most marriages lack, good communication, accountability and forward planning.
Many marriages go through cycles, or eras, where a different style might be required, as we shift from lovers to parents and then back to lovers (hopefully). So an annual relational summit seems like the ideal way to renegotiate the terms of an agreement that is subject to much change as we journey through life.
A more modern ceremonial alternative is the hand binding, where friends and relatives write wishes for the couple on ribbons. And each ribbon is read out during the ceremony as it is wrapped around the hands of the betrothed couple. A beautiful way to include everyone in the ceremony of tying the knot.
I was asked by my own daughter to perform a hand fasting ceremony for her wedding, and I’m so in love with the concept that I am offering my services for other couples desiring this style of wedding.
Handfasting is not legally recognized as a marriage in South Africa, as the law requires a civil or customary marriage to be performed by a marriage officer. However, couples can incorporate handfasting as a symbolic ceremony and have their marriage legally finalized by a marriage officer, which can be done before or after the handfasting ritual. You can get in touch with me for for information. WhatsApp 0833613255
Images by XO Photography Venue The Bohemian Guesthouse
Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause. CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash. So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way. Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships. What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too. With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely. It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.
With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty. When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode. Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night. Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image. You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.
In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.
So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.
Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.
And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.
So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation. You deserve more. You are worthy. You are enough.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
You know what’s really sexy? A man who is in touch with his emotions. One who can talk about them and hold space for yours. A man who can listen to your feedback without feeling criticised. A man who can listen and respond without lashing out. This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a high value trophy.
Do you want to know 3 little words that will make her nervous system relax when she comes to you with a problem? 3 words that will turn her into a lamb instead of a snarling She Wolf? “Babe, I hear you”.
Or when she asks you for a change? “Babe, I got this”.
So how do achieve this state in the middle of world war 3 playing out in your kitchen?
Firstly, JUST… STOP… TALKING. Try to listen. Even better, do this before she starts losing her mind and shrieking at you. Because let’s face it, she probably didn’t start out shouting at the top of her lungs. She came to you with an issue and you deflected it, gasliighted her, got defensive or escalated her tone. You reacted to her reaction to YOUR behaviour. Because no matter what you said or did, she isn’t allowed to show irritation?
Dude, this war zone could have been prevented with a few emotionally intelligent skills, but here we are. (Again).
So now you’ve skipped the mediation phase and went straight to DEFCON 1. You need crisis management. You need to stop what you are doing and put away the big guns. There are no sticks and stones here, only words. (Why is it that most men will rather fight a lion than deal with emotions?) This might go against your every instinct, but do not react, or lash out. Do not respond, don’t even fucking blink. Just shut it and listen. It’s not that hard, you got this big boy! Then, when she has had her say, tell her that you heard her. Say it. “Ok, I hear you”. If she does not die of shock on the spot, she will exhale. Both of you need to breathe, big slow exhales. Take a few deep breaths. You’ll both need a moment to calm down.
Now is your time to respond. Not yet with solutions. With confirmation. ‘It sounds like you are upset because…’ ‘I can hear that … is really bothering you’ ‘Im sorry that … upset you’ Show her that you understand what she has expressed to you. Gain clarity, mirror her words. And if it’s you that is the problem, you’re the lucky bastard who can actually solve this. So that’s a good thing.
“Babe, I’m going to do better”. “Honey, I’m so sorry”. “Sweetheart, I got this”. No whining, no “I’m trying”, no tantrums. Speak in absolutes, Take responsibility for your crap, and assure her you have understood the problem. That you have it under control.
And then most importantly, DO THE THING. There is no room for your good intentions here. Everyone has good intentions. Even psychopaths might start the day without plotting to eat your brains with a nice Chianti. There is room for action and problem solving here, and this is where your strength lies. So be reliable, keep your word. Stick to your promises. Formulate an action plan to avoid future pit falls. You’re an intelligent guy, so stop falling into the same trap.
Get that right, and her nervous system stops the steeple chase and begins to relax. She will stop running away from you, she will stop attacking you. She will begin to feel safe. Fight or flight mode disengaged.
Words and emotions are not your enemy. Avoidance is. Don’t sweep things under the rug, and avoid difficult conversations. Don’t lash out and react with anger everytime she wants to discuss something with you. Take a deep breath and hear her out. Check in with each other regularly. Are we reaching our goals, are we doing better at XYZ? Accept feedback.
This is how a conscious relationship grows, and you avoid making the same mistakes. . This is how you move forward instead of losing your way and walking in circles. Avoid the downward spiral and inevitable decline. It’s time to pack away your safari suit and step out of the jungle.
This is your relationship, not a fucking bear hunt.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
So my partner and I have had a few ‘discussions’ about this….some calmer than others! Some people are not into social media, which can be a problem if one partner is. Your partner might not understand why you are on your phone so much, but it’s not necessarily doom scrolling. Sometimes it’s marketing, or content creation. Or selecting a playlist or googling an article. But if your partner has a different kind of job, one that ends at 5pm, or one where they are not internet based, they might not understand what you are doing on there all the time! It doesn’t mean you are addicted to your phone, as many things can be operated from there. So it’s important to set boundaries with social media, for example no phones after dinner. Your clients can wait till office hours, it’s a healthy boundary to set. Or offer a quick explanation, for example, I’m checking my bank balance so I can recharge the prepaid meter. This should minimise the annoyance your partner might feel about your screen time, imagining you are scrolling rather than spending time with them.
Also, social media breeds comparison, it sets impossible standards that are not real. For example, I get embarassed when I do a birthday post or a gratitude post for my partner when he doesn’t respond. What will people think, is this a one sided relationship? But the truth is he is not on social media much, so I have to tell him to go and look at what I wrote. And if he wants to show me his appreciation he will make me something with his hands, or show up with a chocolate.
Social media is the equivalent of public displays of affection, which we all crave, but that doesn’t make it real, it can be quite the opposite in fact! You see people gushing over their partner and separated the next day. Its performance and not reality.
So set some rules of engagement, some healthy boundaries, and communicate more. It will go a long way in your relationship.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
There has been a lot of talk about conscious relationships, and one of the key ingredients is the ability to talk about our feelings. And then how to respond without defensiveness.
My partner of 6 years once told me he has never discussed his feelings before in a relationship. Never spoken about sex, or any of the other things that come up for us. He has had 3 long relationships, yet never felt able or challenged to share his feelings. And the sad part is this is true for many men, taught to suppress their feelings.
There are 3 phases in a relationship, and I would like to expand on this concept.
The audition phase. This is where you show up as your best (and most unrealistic) self. A charade that hooks your partner, but is unsustainable. Or rather disintegrates into complacency.
The shadow boxing stage. This is where the love hormones begin to fade and the gremlins come out. Most couples never make it out of this phase, trading up or trading in for another partner. And so the cycle begins again.
The co-creation phase. This is where you learn to heal and respond to each other’s shadows in a constructive way, to build something meaningful that goes beyond the oxytocin, the sex, the anger and resentment. This is where you build a future, co-create a life that you both desire, and create a safe space for each other to express your emotions and design a relationship that elevates both partners to even more growth. Both of these things are not easy to do at first, but will help you grow through the icky phase into a better version of you as a couple.
It may be uncomfortable, it may be hard, but with the right partner it is worth it. So, are you addicted to oxytocin, jumping ship when things get rough…forever chasing that love hormone? Or are you in it for the full rollercoaster ride, and maybe, just maybe, with the right person….you will co-create something beautiful.
WhatsApp bookings for Relationship coaching and life coaching 0833613255
There is nothing quite like watching your daughter getting married. Tam and Lance setting off on the adventure of a lifetime after a year of living in different countries.
Witnessing the hope, the purity, the love between them is both humbling and inspiring.
Just imagine if we could keep that feeling forever. Beyond the oxytocin Beyond the chemistry Beyond the storms
The good news is that you possibly can. Most relationships suffer from basic maintenance. You know how he used to buy flowers and you used to tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world?
But then you both got busy, Kids, work, family stuff. And then suddenly you are wondering when the flame went out? Why you’re both unfulfilled?
Try a little bit of daily maintenance…
The coffee in bed, the lingering kiss, the 20 second hug when you walk in the door. Small things, holding her hands or resting yours on her lower back Cooking a favourite meal Date night All the little things you did naturally in the beginning. ❤️ My wish for you is a lifetime of love and happiness. May your infinity knot stay forever tied Lance & Tam
Sometimes rebirth can feel like a death to the ones left behind, yet this cycle is essential for growth, change and happiness.
Yesterday my daughter and new son in law boarded a plane for Australia. We have shared our lives and our home for 22 years. We have built such a beautiful life together, and now a new cycle is beginning. What a brave and wonderful adventure to embark on.
And what a loss for those of us who are left behind. Having a child is like feeling your heart beating outside your body. Living, loving, hurting with no way to keep it safe.
I knew this day would come, and worked tirelessly for a year to make it happen for you. Citizenship Passports Driving lessons Dentists Doctors Wedding plans Packing a life into 3 suitcases.
Perhaps the definition of love is to do things for somebody even though the outcome will hurt you. Learning to surrender to something you cannot control or change. What an experience this life is turning out to be.
The highs The lows The uncertainty
And yet the cycle goes on. Death, rebirth, grief, denial, bargaining, acceptance still loading.
Tam and Lance, I know in my heart you will create a beautiful new life in Australia, full of love, new experiences and adventure. Go and share your magic with the world ✨
I love you both and we will see each other again. This is going to be a lot to get used to, for all of us. Bon voyage ❤️
Candice Baker Life Coach 