Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: marriage

  • Welcome To The Jungle

    WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

    You know what’s really sexy? A man who is in touch with his emotions.
    One who can talk about them and hold space for yours.
    A man who can listen to your feedback without feeling criticised.
    A man who can listen and respond without lashing out.
    This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a high value trophy.

    Do you want to know 3 little words that will make her nervous system relax when she comes to you with a problem? 3 words that will turn her into a lamb instead of a snarling She Wolf?
    “Babe, I hear you”.

    Or when she asks you for a change?
    “Babe, I got this”.

    So how do achieve this state in the middle of world war 3 playing out in your kitchen?

    Firstly, JUST… STOP… TALKING.
    Try to listen.
    Even better, do this before she starts losing her mind and shrieking at you. Because let’s face it, she probably didn’t start out shouting at the top of her lungs.
    She came to you with an issue and you deflected it, gasliighted her, got defensive or escalated her tone. You reacted to her reaction to YOUR behaviour. Because no matter what you said or did, she isn’t allowed to show irritation?

    Dude, this war zone could have been prevented with a few emotionally intelligent skills, but here we are. (Again).

    So now you’ve skipped the mediation phase and went straight to DEFCON 1.
    You need crisis management.
    You need to stop what you are doing and put away the big guns. There are no sticks and stones here, only words. (Why is it that most men will rather fight a lion than deal with emotions?)
    This might go against your every instinct, but do not react, or lash out. Do not respond, don’t even fucking blink. Just shut it and listen. It’s not that hard, you got this big boy!
    Then, when she has had her say, tell her that you heard her. Say it.
    “Ok, I hear you”.
    If she does not die of shock on the spot, she will exhale.
    Both of you need to breathe, big slow exhales. Take a few deep breaths. You’ll both need a moment to calm down.

    Now is your time to respond. Not yet with solutions. With confirmation.
    ‘It sounds like you are upset because…’
    ‘I can hear that … is really bothering you’
    ‘Im sorry that … upset you’
    Show her that you understand what she has expressed to you. Gain clarity, mirror her words.
    And if it’s you that is the problem, you’re the lucky bastard who can actually solve this. So that’s a good thing.

    “Babe, I’m going to do better”.
    “Honey, I’m so sorry”.
    “Sweetheart, I got this”.
    No whining, no “I’m trying”, no tantrums.
    Speak in absolutes,
    Take responsibility for your crap, and assure her you have understood the problem. That you have it under control.

    And then most importantly, DO THE THING. There is no room for your good intentions here. Everyone has good intentions. Even psychopaths might start the day without plotting to eat your brains with a nice Chianti.
    There is room for action and problem solving here, and this is where your strength lies. So be reliable, keep your word. Stick to your promises. Formulate an action plan to avoid future pit falls. You’re an intelligent guy, so stop falling into the same trap.

    Get that right, and her nervous system stops the steeple chase and begins to relax. She will stop running away from you, she will stop attacking you. She will begin to feel safe. Fight or flight mode disengaged.

    Words and emotions are not your enemy. Avoidance is.
    Don’t sweep things under the rug, and avoid difficult conversations. Don’t lash out and react with anger everytime she wants to discuss something with you.
    Take a deep breath and hear her out.
    Check in with each other regularly. Are we reaching our goals, are we doing better at XYZ?
    Accept feedback.

    This is how a conscious relationship grows, and you avoid making the same mistakes. .
    This is how you move forward instead of losing your way and walking in circles. Avoid the downward spiral and inevitable decline.
    It’s time to pack away your safari suit and step out of the jungle.

    This is your relationship, not a fucking bear hunt.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Social Media Mania

    SOCIAL MEDIA MANIA

    So my partner and I have had a few ‘discussions’ about this….some calmer than others!
    Some people are not into social media, which can be a problem if one partner is.
    Your partner might not understand why you are on your phone so much, but it’s not necessarily doom scrolling.
    Sometimes it’s marketing, or content creation. Or selecting a playlist or googling an article.
    But if your partner has a different kind of job, one that ends at 5pm, or one where they are not internet based, they might not understand what you are doing on there all the time!
    It doesn’t mean you are addicted to your phone, as many things can be operated from there.
    So it’s important to set boundaries with social media, for example no phones after dinner. Your clients can wait till office hours, it’s a healthy boundary to set.
    Or offer a quick explanation, for example, I’m checking my bank balance so I can recharge the prepaid meter. This should minimise the annoyance your partner might feel about your screen time, imagining you are scrolling rather than spending time with them.

    Also, social media breeds comparison, it sets impossible standards that are not real.
    For example, I get embarassed when I do a birthday post or a gratitude post for my partner when he doesn’t respond. What will people think, is this a one sided relationship?
    But the truth is he is not on social media much, so I have to tell him to go and look at what I wrote.
    And if he wants to show me his appreciation he will make me something with his hands, or show up with a chocolate.

    Social media is the equivalent of public displays of affection, which we all crave, but that doesn’t make it real, it can be quite the opposite in fact!
    You see people gushing over their partner and separated the next day. Its performance and not reality.

    So set some rules of engagement, some healthy boundaries, and communicate more. It will go a long way in your relationship.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • The Conscious Relationship

    THE CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP

    There has been a lot of talk about conscious relationships, and one of the key ingredients is the ability to talk about our feelings.
    And then how to respond without defensiveness.

    My partner of 6 years once told me he has never discussed his feelings before in a relationship. Never spoken about sex, or any of the other things that come up for us.
    He has had 3 long relationships, yet never felt able or challenged to share his feelings. And the sad part is this is true for many men, taught to suppress their feelings.

    There are 3 phases in a relationship, and I would like to expand on this concept.

    1. The audition phase.
      This is where you show up as your best (and most unrealistic) self. A charade that hooks your partner, but is unsustainable. Or rather disintegrates into complacency.
    2. The shadow boxing stage.
      This is where the love hormones begin to fade and the gremlins come out. Most couples never make it out of this phase, trading up or trading in for another partner. And so the cycle begins again.
    3. The co-creation phase.
      This is where you learn to heal and respond to each other’s shadows in a constructive way, to build something meaningful that goes beyond the oxytocin, the sex, the anger and resentment. This is where you build a future, co-create a life that you both desire, and create a safe space for each other to express your emotions and design a relationship that elevates both partners to even more growth.
      Both of these things are not easy to do at first, but will help you grow through the icky phase into a better version of you as a couple.

    It may be uncomfortable, it may be hard, but with the right partner it is worth it. So, are you addicted to oxytocin, jumping ship when things get rough…forever chasing that love hormone?
    Or are you in it for the full rollercoaster ride, and maybe, just maybe, with the right person….you will co-create something beautiful.

    WhatsApp bookings for Relationship coaching and life coaching
    0833613255

  • Wedding Vows & Making It Last

    Image by XOXO Photography, Tam & Lancelot

    WEDDING VOWS AND MAKING IT LAST

    There is nothing quite like watching your daughter getting married.
    Tam and Lance setting off on the adventure of a lifetime after a year of living in different countries.

    Witnessing the hope, the purity, the love between them is both humbling and inspiring.

    Just imagine if we could keep that feeling forever.
    Beyond the oxytocin
    Beyond the chemistry
    Beyond the storms

    The good news is that you possibly can.
    Most relationships suffer from basic maintenance.
    You know how he used to buy flowers and you used to tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world?

    But then you both got busy,
    Kids, work, family stuff.
    And then suddenly you are wondering when the flame went out?
    Why you’re both unfulfilled?

    Try a little bit of daily maintenance…

    The coffee in bed, the lingering kiss, the 20 second hug when you walk in the door.
    Small things, holding her hands or resting yours on her lower back
    Cooking a favourite meal
    Date night
    All the little things you did naturally in the beginning.
    ❤️
    My wish for you is a lifetime of love and happiness. May your infinity knot stay forever tied Lance & Tam

  • The Cycle Of Death & Rebirth

    Image by XOXO Photography

    THE CYCLE OF REBIRTH

    Sometimes rebirth can feel like a death to the ones left behind, yet this cycle is essential for growth, change and happiness.

    Yesterday my daughter and new son in law boarded a plane for Australia.
    We have shared our lives and our home for 22 years. We have built such a beautiful life together, and now a new cycle is beginning. What a brave and wonderful adventure to embark on.

    And what a loss for those of us who are left behind.
    Having a child is like feeling your heart beating outside your body. Living, loving, hurting with no way to keep it safe.

    I knew this day would come, and worked tirelessly for a year to make it happen for you.
    Citizenship
    Passports
    Driving lessons
    Dentists
    Doctors
    Wedding plans
    Packing a life into 3 suitcases.

    Perhaps the definition of love is to do things for somebody even though the outcome will hurt you.
    Learning to surrender to something you cannot control or change.
    What an experience this life is turning out to be.

    The highs
    The lows
    The uncertainty

    And yet the cycle goes on.
    Death, rebirth, grief, denial, bargaining, acceptance still loading.

    Tam and Lance, I know in my heart you will create a beautiful new life in Australia, full of love, new experiences and adventure. Go and share your magic with the world ✨

    I love you both and we will see each other again. This is going to be a lot to get used to, for all of us.
    Bon voyage ❤️

  • Red Ridinghood & The Wolf

    Model: Candice Storm, Photographer: Mark Greenslade

    RED RIDING HOOD AND THE WOLF
    Just because he is pursuing you, doesn’t mean he deserves to have you, ladies. We’ve been taught that our value lies in being wanted, to be flattered by being noticed, that being chased means being chosen. But sometimes being chosen just means being used. Afterall, who is doing the choosing? Do you really want him, or do you just want to be wanted? Not everyone who chases you is for you, or even good for you, and people have their own agendas. Some men will choose you to fulfil their needs, to extract your feminine essence from you. While others might choose you to uplift and worship you, and it’s not always easy to see the difference at the outset.

    We’ve all done it. Started a relationship with somebody because it felt so great to feel chosen. But then you have a huge rupture in that relationship because of something he has done and he says, “at least I don’t cheat on you.” (Insert here that amazing thing you are supposed to be grateful for). And for a moment we are grateful for this. But why?
    Why the need for excuses to justify that he is actually such a great guy, despite the fact that he…..?
    Maybe if you’re having to talk yourself into this situationship there could be a red flag (or two) that you’re determined to ignore? To stay in your comfort zone, perhaps?

    So let’s break this down.
    This dude wants you to overlook his toxic behaviour, or maybe his abuse, or perhaps it’s alcoholism, or narcissistic rage…because he knows how to keep his dick in his pants? So we’re all good here?

    Um, ok, so you can insult your partner, attack her, bully her, be a complete waste of space, but she should be grateful to have you because you haven’t been shagging someone else behind her back?
    Or perhaps because no other woman in her right mind would take home such a specimen? And in return for your awesome fidelity she should be your mother, your therapist, your wife, your tantrika? What a great trade off (for YOU, mister)!

    Dear women of the world, please do not settle for this emotional blackmail. Just because he is faithful does not mean he is a good guy. Or that he is even nearly good enough for you.
    You deserve someone who is faithful AND treats you well. Someone who is reliable and provides safety for your weary heart. Your relationship is not a multiple choice test with only one right answer.

    You deserve someone who takes you away for a romantic weekend because they love you, not because they owe you an apology.
    You deserve someone who you can take to your fancy event, or a family lunch with the confidence that they know how to be sober and make you proud.
    The man who will buy you a special gift because you mean the world to him, not the guy who is using his wallet to manipulate you.

    And as for that one who wants to finance a set of double D’s and keeps bringing it up every time you get naked? Well ain’t that just the gift that tells you how sub-standard you are? What a generous guy, please feel free to kick him to the kerb, sis. You are beautiful and worthy and not in need of any further enhancements to suit his tastes, even if he does look like Brad Pitt.

    There are many things that a woman should be grateful for in her relationship, but the fact that he does not beat you up isn’t one of them. You do not have to be grateful for fidelity, or peace, or sobriety.
    These things are a given, they are to be expected and appreciated and returned in kind.

    Now I’m not saying you need to run out the door without regard to your personal safety or the means to feed your children.
    But what I am saying is please stop selling yourself short, today. Take small steps if you have to. Start a gratitude journal celebrating your own charms, romanticise your life, learn how to make yourself feel great, so that you’re not hanging on every word that comes out of his damn mouth. Start formulating a way to improve your relationship, or an exit plan if need be.

    Set some stronger boundaries and call him out on his bullshit, because you deserve a real man. One who provides love and safety and support. Someone who is all in, and wants to build a future with you. Nothing less is worthy of your mind, body and soul.

    Remove the blinkers and ask yourself if you are really lucky to have him, or are you just settling?
    No more kissing frogs, take off that cloak and show the world what you’re made of. An incarnation of the divine feminine, the creator of life and the deepest source of love and sensuality.
    Perhaps it’s time to join the thousands of women who are going boy sober. Not because they can’t get a guy, but because they are waiting for the worthy guy.
    I’ll say it again…it’s not your job to sit around looking pretty and taking shit from some dude. You are worthy of so much more.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. If you need to be reminded how amazing you are, you can WhatsApp me to book an appointment. 0833613255

  • The Slut Phase

    Model: Candice Storm, Photographer Alan Perring

    THE SLUT PHASE

    You know, you really gotta love the way society vilifies a woman who is exploring her sexuality. I mean, nobody calls out men for sleeping around after a divorce, at least not in a derogatory way. It’s feels like her body is public property, and everyone takes it personally when she chooses to have a casual sexual encounter. The slut phase, or hoe phase, charmingly refers to those times when a woman emerges from a break up and spends some time experimenting with other sexual partners.

    So let’s unpack this a little.

    Firstly, the rebound.
    You survived your last relationship, or perhaps limped out of there with your heart in pieces and your halo bent and twisted. Your womb a sexual desert and your mind full of the rejection you felt after all those nights lying next to a partner who was no longer connected with you. I’m talking mind, body, soul connection. There is nothing quite as lonely as lying in bed with somebody who no longer sees you, or even worse, is seeing somebody else.

    So you pick up your pride and your pantihose, and you sneak out in the middle of the night. Or perhaps there was the big showdown, the one where they tell you what they really think of you, no holds barred. So you cry and lick your wounds, painfully aware that you need more, that you are worth more.

    And then in search of presence, you find yourself settling for performance instead. Your womb rejoices at being chosen again, your body rides the oxytocin train, and you feel wanted, sexy and sexually liberated. And there is nothing wrong with this phase, it can form a vital part of your healing process. You embrace your sexual autonomy and elect to enjoy sex just because it feels good and uncomplicated. You get to rediscover your sexual identity after years of compromise, or you want to explore what your needs and wants are after settling too soon with your high school sweetheart. It’s less about being with other people, and more about being with yourself in different contexts.
    Free from the constraints of your relationship, you may discover certain dormant parts of yourself re-emerging as you let go of certain roles, such as the ‘responsible partner’, or ‘handbrake’. But just don’t stay there for too long, sweetheart, because outer validation can start feeling like a different kind of loneliness when you wake up alone, the sheets still warm from your last blistering encounter.
    You might start to feel like you have abandoned your value to seek sexual attention and the illusion of love. And enmeshing your creative life force with unworthy men can start to seem like a risk to your peace of mind and your energy field.
    Your body deserves to be more than a vessel for revenge, for proving how quickly you could replace him.
    The best way to get over somebody is not to get under somebody. So take care not to get emotionally attached because your ovaries are screaming for a new baby daddy, because you might just be emotionally abandoning yourself in this quest for empty pleasure.
    Enjoy the fun and adventures for a while if a distraction is what you need, and be wary of the health risks while you’re at it, but there is still work to be done to avoid replaying the same old toxic patterns. The ones you bravely but just barely managed to tear yourself away from last time you escaped your relationship wreck.
    Casual sex is a coping method, and it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partners during this phase. It shouldn’t be a substitute for processing your divorce, rather view it as just a component of your healing journey.

    Then comes the assimilation phase, the time where you (hopefully) settle down into your single life for a while. Unpack those emotional bags and air out the dirty laundry. This is the phase where the self work begins.
    It’s important to take this time to re-evaluate your life, your choices. To do some soul searching. Afterall, you are no longer the same person you were before your last relationship disaster. You have shrunk yourself to fit into someone else’s life, you have doubted your value, you have tried and failed and tried again. You have experienced life lessons, and now is the time to learn from them. To build yourself up. To figure out what you really want, not just chase after the next dude because he is the opposite of your ex.
    And this is the phase that takes time. It takes soul searching, it takes inward journeying, it takes tears. It takes self love.

    But if you can do this without skipping blindly into the next situationship? You will enter the reclamation phase. You will emerge like a butterfly from your chrysalis, with beautiful new wings. You will be crystal clear on your hopes and dreams, and pursue them fearlessly without falling into someone else’s. You will avoid the honey traps that await you, and wait for something better, something more meaningful, more fulfilling.
    Hell, you will create something more beautiful all by yourself. And once you have done this, you will attract your new partner, not chase him. Someone who is aligned with your values and truly sees you for who you are, because you know and love yourself.

    So have your fun if that’s what you need to do, release any shame that might be attached to your sexual revolution, and then come back to your authentic self. Divorce is not a failure, it’s an opportunity to build something better this time.

    I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can book an appointment via WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • Are You The Prize Or The Prey?

    Image by Tanya Borchers, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU THE PRIZE OR THE PREY?

    A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.

    We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.

    Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?

    In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery.
    So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.

    Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner?
    Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.

    The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.

    You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.

    Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)

    The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play.
    This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation).
    You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).

    The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.

    In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.

    Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.

    And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.

    And if you’re the the prey?
    You’re the one who is emotionally vulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions.
    You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession?
    And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.

    It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe.
    Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse.
    Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.

    And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.”
    And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself.
    This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma.
    A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart.
    So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.

    Whatsapp 0833613255

  • Toxic Love & Losing Yourself

    TOXIC LOVE & LOSING YOURSELF

    If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.

    My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).

    Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.

    Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.

    Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.

    Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.

    What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?

    Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role.
    You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.

    If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.

    Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.

    Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.

    WhatsApp 0833613255
    Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach

  • Why Attachment Styles Are Wrecking Your Relationship.

    WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?


    There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship .
    *Secure
    *Anxious (or preoccupied)
    *Avoidant (or dismissive)
    *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant).
    These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.

    So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.

    Here’s a brief overview of each style:
    Secure Attachment:
    Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.

    Anxious Attachment:
    Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.

    Avoidant Attachment:
    Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.

    Disorganized Attachment:
    This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.

    If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.

    So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns.
    You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.