THE CRACKED MIRROR In my business I get to meet so many amazing women. Beautiful women. Vivacious women. Accomplished women. Compassionate women.
And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them. I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.
Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others. We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.
I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.
What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.
If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make? How would you make love if you felt beautiful? What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?
The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.
So just for today, start a journal. Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.
Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful” Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s change our mindsets. We are enough.
And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy. Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Death is a fact if life, and the death of a loved one is something we will all face many times in our lifetime. The only way to recover from loss effectively is to feel the feels, and these come in waves. There are some practical things you can do to cope with grief. *Remember to take care of yourself, and to allow your emotions to be expressed. *Seek support from a coach or therapist. *Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and good food . *Reach out to loved ones or try journaling.
It’s ok to feel down, but make time for activities you enjoy. You’ll have to be patient with the process and recognise that grief is a personal journey.
There are a few phases to grief, so when you recognise them, know this is part of your healing journey, and you will get through them if you allow yourself to feel. You might experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression in you way towards acceptance.
Prioritize your physical health, taking care to have regular, healthy meals and get enough sleep. It’s natural to take some down time, but try to get back into your regular exercise routine as soon as you can. Even if you don’t feel like it, it will support your physical and mental health. Structure can provide a sense of stability so try to maintain routines for activities like eating meals, even if it’s difficult.
Don’t hesitate to see your doctor for check-ups or discuss any new health concerns. Depression is a natural part of the grieving process, and can be even worse if your relationship was complicated. There are natural and pharmaceutical remedies available to you to help you during this time.
Allow yourself to feel, understanding that grief is a unique and personal process, and it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions. Find healthy ways to express your feelings, such as talking to friends, family, or a counselor. Some people find it helpful to express themselves through physical activity or creative outlets like writing or painting.
Schedule time to focus on your grief, even if it’s just 20-30 minutes a day. Use this time to sit quietly, write a letter to the person, or look at photos. It is healthy to experience positive emotions like joy when remembering happy memories. Allowing yourself to smile or laugh is also a protective response.
Lean on friends and family for support and company. Let them know when you want to talk about your loved one and accept their offers of help.
If you are religious or spiritual, spending time with others in your faith community can provide comfort. Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be therapeutic and help you feel less alone.
Remember and honor your loved one. Find ways to commemorate them, such as creating a memory book, taking that trip you planned together, or engaging in an activity they loved.
Be patient with yourself, accepting that healing takes time. There is no “normal” timetable for grieving, and it’s important to be patient with yourself throughout the process.
Recognize the difference between grief and depression. If you are concerned about your mental health, it’s important to talk to a professional.
Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a persistent mood disorder. You will notice that grief often comes in waves of intense sadness mixed with positive memories, whereas depression involves a constant, pervasive sadness. In grief, your self-esteem is usually preserved, but in depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
Life can be hard, especially when you are dealing with a loss of any kind. This might be a death, a child moving away or a break up. Be kind to yourself and feel all your feels, this is how the healing happens.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted-element by element.”
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Let’s talk about being single… Recently a man responded to one of my posts , saying ‘no wonder you are single’, meant as an insult and a judgement. But sometimes your relationship is just cortisol wrapped in cologne, honey.
Here are my thoughts:
There is this idea that a woman only has value of she has been chosen by a man. That a single woman is somehow defective. That the only way a woman can command respect or stature in society is by being somebody’s wife. That a woman needs the back-up of a man in order to be heard, or be successful. But these are outdated patriarchal ideas that have become part of the fabric of our collective unconscious. And they are not correct.
I do believe that we are wired to want connection. That human beings love the idea of being chosen. That we crave intimacy and physical touch, perhaps a over all else. We are social beings and biologically driven to search for sex. But sex is not intimacy. And when we start to discern this, we can re-imagine this biological blueprint.
In this era, in this country a woman can earn her own money, drive her own car, and buy her own home. So why are we still clinging to the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love a romantic relationship as much as the next person, but the truth is that many of us are clinging to liaisons way beyond their sell by date. Habit? Convenience? Perhaps. But also because we have come to believe that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single.
However, if you have ever been single for a period of time, you might have discovered that being single is a powerful and self-affirming choice. Being single is a state of unapologetic independence. It’s the choice of self reliance, of friendship over romantic love. And let’s face it, romantic love isn’t always so romantic. Being single is choosing peace over conflict. Choosing happiness over mediocrity or hurt. It’s being happy with your own company, comfortable in your own space. To travel solo and meet new people outside of your comfort zone. Being single is choosing freedom, embracing our wildness and being open to new possibilities. Being single is a conscious choice to wait for the right time or right person. To not settle, or stay stuck.
Most importantly, being single is choosing yourself, and this is not selfish. Calling back your energy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. By doing this you are investing in yourself. Making time for your own projects and passions instead of investing in somebody else’s.
Some of the most productive times in my life have been when I was single. Even when I chose to sit with my unhappiness… writing, journeying, contemplating. Choosing to sit with my trauma until I understood it and could set it free, without the band aid of throwing myself into another relationship..Trying to fix or help a partner rather than myself. This is where personal growth begins. This is the most important journey of your life time, the journey into self.
I am not single but I am very happy when I am. This image is of me being single at Feel Festival in 2019, feeling ALL of the feels. ❤️
If you struggle with being single, or are needing to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, let’s talk. Book a life coaching session with me online or in perso .
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Today seems like a good day to talk about sex. We all crave the excitement and the passion, but sometimes wonder why the main event seems to be a little disappointing, not quite what we imagined, a failure to launch or a half way fizzle.
This is because the best sex of your life doesn’t come from a one night stand, or from a quickie. Sure that can be exciting or passionate, but the truth is that truly mind blowing sex comes from connection. It comes from the biggest sex organ in your body. And that is not in your pants, boys…it’s your brain. Great sex starts with building intimacy. How you set off for work in the morning. It could be a note with your sandwiches, or coffee in bed or a lingering goodbye kiss. Building the mood when you call each other to see how the day is going. Small things that stimulate the love hormone.
It’s about how you greet each other after work, shared time in the kitchen or holding hands on the couch, eating dinner and talking about your day. A slow sensual burn as you tickle his arm or he touches your spine. Creating intimacy and anticipation.
And if you get to the main event before passing out in front of the TV, try spending some more time on each other’s bodies. Devote yourself to touching and kissing. He is not a sex machine, ladies. He cannot perform on demand. And she is not a cum sock, or a substitute for your hand, guys. Take time to relax deeply and let go of the stresses of your day, so that your mind can settle into your partner. That last difficult client, the one living rent free in your head, is going to wreck your hard on unless you let that shit go. That arguement you had with her over the dishes is going to dry her up faster than high noon in Morocco, so if that’s the energy you brought in, it’s probably not going to happen.
And yes, our bodies change over time, as do our relationships. Contrary to popular belief, your penis is not powered by your ego. It is powered by blood circulation, though. Something that declines over 40, and let’s face it…all those cigarettes didn’t help either. So next time there is a failure to launch, get over your ego. Be prepared with a solution that does not involve blaming your partner. Telling her she is too slippery, or not wet enough, or didn’t juggle the right way at the right time is just being cowardly. Try looking in her eyes for once, and telling her she is beautiful instead of turning on the porn. Make a Viagra appointment with your doctor, test your testosterone levels or ask your local Paki for a pack of Kamagra next time you stop to buy smokes. Do it before she leaves you because you made her feel unattractive. Do it before you give her jaw cramp or permanent carpal tunnel. (You can thank me later)
Or if you are not fit enough, or your little friend starts sagging half way through, take a break or change your position. Crushing her with your body weight is not sexy, but switching angles definitely is. There is no shame in taking a pit stop, and it’s a great way to keep things interesting too, so climb out of your ego and use this as an opportunity. For a woman, a short break can feel like 2 sessions, which can be a real winner. Just don’t make half time all about you.
Her body is changing too. This pit stop is not just about you tuning up your engine, she will need to replace the natural lube that you just withdrew from her body, too. So don’t be a dick and desperately jump on board the moment she coaxed some life back into you. It’s a two way street and she also needs some more play. Or reach for the KY Jelly if need be. She might need both. Dry sex and desperately thrusting to the finish line might give you the friction you needed to wake the dead, but it’s not fun for her. It’s painful, annoying and nothing will chase her orgasm away faster.
So if you want to keep each other wanting more, stop playing the blame game, be kind and know that it’s mostly not about you if your partner is struggling. Take responsibility for your own mindset and physical challenges, slow it down, be considerate. And if you’re not prepared to touch her like the goddess she is, then you don’t deserve to be inside her temple.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Once on the fringe of modern marriage, the tradition of Handfasting is starting to make a comeback as an alternative to traditional wedding ceremonies.
Handfasting is an ancient ritual from Celtic and Norse traditions, where the hands of the bride and groom were symbolically bound together in wedlock. A promise that lasted for a year and a day, with the option to renew or runl! Many people are unaware that our expression of ‘tying the knot’ comes from this pagan tradition. When a child was born the marriage would become permanent, providing more security for the woman and child.
While the core ritual of binding the hands remains, today’s ceremonies can include personal touches like using different colored ribbons to represent specific qualities or weaving cords from three strands to symbolize strength and unity.
In modern times, it is a welcome invitation to renew your vows every year. An invitation to put your best forward, or stay on your toes as the future is not promised. It never is, of course, but there is something to be said for having a deadline to work to, something that brings out the best in most of us! Also, a welcome opportunity to sit down and speak about the status of your relationship, where you are succeeding and what needs to be worked on. Something I believe most marriages lack, good communication, accountability and forward planning.
Many marriages go through cycles, or eras, where a different style might be required, as we shift from lovers to parents and then back to lovers (hopefully). So an annual relational summit seems like the ideal way to renegotiate the terms of an agreement that is subject to much change as we journey through life.
A more modern ceremonial alternative is the hand binding, where friends and relatives write wishes for the couple on ribbons. And each ribbon is read out during the ceremony as it is wrapped around the hands of the betrothed couple. A beautiful way to include everyone in the ceremony of tying the knot.
I was asked by my own daughter to perform a hand fasting ceremony for her wedding, and I’m so in love with the concept that I am offering my services for other couples desiring this style of wedding.
Handfasting is not legally recognized as a marriage in South Africa, as the law requires a civil or customary marriage to be performed by a marriage officer. However, couples can incorporate handfasting as a symbolic ceremony and have their marriage legally finalized by a marriage officer, which can be done before or after the handfasting ritual. You can get in touch with me for for information. WhatsApp 0833613255
Images by XO Photography Venue The Bohemian Guesthouse
Why do I teach pole, burlesque, the sensual arts? I don’t usually post pole dance on my life coaching page, but here is why;
It makes you strong, oh yes. But more importantly it creates a sisterhood. A safe space of non-judgement amongst women, which can be truly rare. A space of non-judgement towards yourself, even more rare.
That pole can be the most beautiful partner. One who is always there to dance with you. Holding you up, teaching you to appreciate your curves. Because pole dance or burlesque is not about men. We aren’t waiting for men to define beauty, we are defining it together, for ourselves.
It’s about women reclaiming their bodies, realising their fat rolls or stretch marks are testament to a unique life in perpetual motion, and part of the whole woman. Still sexy. Still beautiful. The story behind a life well lived. The story behind grief, despair, triumph, reclamation. Sovereignty.
You don’t have to be 20 and slim to love your body (but if you’re there I hope you do). You just need to let yourself feel the motion of your hips, lose yourself in the swing of the music, close your eyes and appreciate the jiggle. Say yes to yourself, to your body, to your sensuality.
Dancing in ecstacy has no age limit, no waist size, It’s an invitation to let yourself go. To look inwards and feel your womb, feel your power, feel your vulnerability. Feel it all. . The shift you need isn’t about toning your body. It’s about learning how to express ecstasy and love in the body that you showed up in today. The body that carried your children or survived your last relationship disaster. Her. She.
It’s about choosing you, seeing you, embracing the hot mess and finding beauty in the chaos of your imperfect perfection. It’s about embracing you.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
I don’t often do personal posts, but here we are! What’s your love language? Have you ever felt that the things you do for your partner are unappreciated? No matter how much effort you put into them? That’s because we all wish to be loved in different ways! But it goes deeper than that, we simply don’t recognise certain things as acts of love, because of how we are wired.
For example, my love language is ‘quality time’, I don’t like it if you whip out your phone at dinner. Undivided attention from my partner has the biggest impact for me and makes me feel loved. Whereas acts or service have a lesser impact on my heart, as much as I do appreciate you mowing the lawn.
That’s not to say we don’t appreciate all the love languages on some level, but cooking a 4 hour meal might not translate to love for everyone.
Have you ever thought about how you WANT to be loved?
How you NEED to be loved.
How you FEEL loved.
Have you ever spoken with your partner about this, and found out what love language makes them feel the most loved?
What that looks like for both of you? Why you need that? What it feels like for each of you?
I discovered that my partner feels the most loved, when I compliment him.
Like telling him he is the best boyfriend in the world, saying ‘hey handsome’ when I see him, and expressing to him my appreciation for what he is good at.
I learned that his love language is words of affirmation.
He doesn’t really feel loved if I spend 4 hours in the kitchen, even though we both appreciate good food. He wants to be seen.
My partner has learned that I view love as quality time. I feel the most loved when we spend time together. Good times, interesting conversation, sexy time.
For example, when we go out to dinner and his attentions are solely on me. Or when he puts on a mer tail and swims with me.
Knowing each other’s love languages will help you to love each other in ways that you both feel loved and appreciated.
Because loving someone the way you want to be loved, doesn’t always work.
My partner and I view, and feel love so differently. But you know what? This is normal for couples, and you can spend the rest of your life learning how to love each other better.
If you want more information on Love Languages and how to improve your relationship, book a coaching session with me. I’m available online or in Bedfordview and Benoni.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
So we made it through the witch trials, women of power and healing burned at the stake. Naturopaths, herbalists, midwives, all a threat to the patriarchy and all sentenced to death. Women collaborating against women, pointing fingers away from themselves in fear. Too much water in the well, must be a witch. Not enough crop growth, must be a witch. The theme of too little or too much playing out through the centuries. Wise women persecuted by men, wild women persecuted by women. The only path to safety embodied in the mundane. Women learned that there is shelter in mediocrity.
But has it really changed? Or are the underlying thought patterns of control and fear still there? Women are still being policed, their wings still clipped, their power still stolen from them. And it starts at school. If you were around in the eighties, you would remember the school panty inspection. Oh yes, the panty police was a thing. We had to lift up our skirts to check whether we were wearing the regulation school brookie. Apart from the gross privacy violation, there was this idea that boys could not control themselves, so the girls had to be strictly controlled instead.And this idea persists today.
Not much has changed in this new century. Enter the year 2015 and girls get picked out in front of the whole class for wearing black bras. Aside from the fact that black actually shows through less than white, she must be some kind of scarlet woman to be wearing such a colour under her clothing. And to discuss the colour of her underwear in front of an entire class of boys, to embarass her and violate her rights in such a public way is inexcusable. Women victimizing girls.
Women’s bodies have always fallen under the control of others. Owned by the patriarchy and not themselves. Wrinkled old men deciding on women’s rights to this day in first world countries. Persecution by the gusset Gestapo should your stocking be showing. Women not allowed into temples. Women banned from holy places when they are bleeding and considered unclean. It seems even periods are policed. The vilification of the yoni has continued through the centuries, because to acknowledge the opposite would be to acknowledge the power of women.
As a dance instructor I have recieved so many comments about outfits that show too much, yet every private part is covered. Do a split in a tutu and you are a graceful and gifted ballerina. Do a split on the pole in hot pants and everybody loses their minds. Asking a dancer to cover up is like asking Chad le Clos to swim in baggies, it cannot be done. It shouldn’t be done. It restricts movement in impossible ways, and ruins the aeathetic. Oh how society loves to brand a woman in scarlet, for nothing more than what could be implied in their minds. Because it was what was in your mind that was inciting lust, while everyone else was appreciating her beautiful long legged splits.
Perform in a magnificent set of fire wings, with fire fans, in an outfit layered white hotpants, white miniskirt, long white lace skirt surrounded by 20 flames. A stunt requiring courage, experience and risk management. But there is always one who will be horrified that the dancers were showing their vaginas to the crowd. The one with the x-ray vision, who could see their lady parts through 3 layers of clothing, in the dark. My what a rich and vivid imagination she must have. A vision so sharp that she could not see the fire, not appreciate the show, not zoom out or away from that place between their thighs. I suspect another 3 layers would have made little difference to such a piercing and judgemental gaze.
So there the dancer is, performing magnificent stunts with her body requiring years of blood /sweat/tears, all her efforts reduced to flashing her imagined genitalia. A total denigration of talent into filth by a tormented psyche. Are your glasses tinted by roses or filth? A vagina lurking under every rock ready to pounce. A fear, bred into women over the centuries. A threat wielded by the patriarchy to keep the feminine form covered.
2000 years later and the woman will still be burned at the stake. Acid thrown on her face for rejecting a male suitor. Forced to marry her rapist to restore her honour. Child brides for paedophiles.
Surely we have more important things to worry about than the implied shape of a woman’s body? Surely in this era women deserve the same freedom as their male counterparts? We may joke about a Speedo, or a mankind, but is it vilified? Nope. Whilst the shadow of a yoni or a breast is shamed in public but praised in private. Bought, sold, stolen. But never to be given for free without shame.
Perhaps our focus should be on creating a safe space for freedom. Freedom of expression. Freedom of choice. Freedom from policing the bodies of women.
Women reclaiming their power, their creative force, the sacredness of their inner temple. Their yoni, the spark of life, the sacred feminine within. Women supporting women and men creating safety. Remembering the goddess within, holding ourselves in high regard, and not shrinking into shame. Because our bodies are not shameful, they are worthy of respect and admiration.
No, the yoni is not the divine feminine, the goddess is, and she lives within each of us. Within our yoni, within our womb, within our hearts, our minds, our souls. And she demands respect.
Let’s bleed out the poison and grow a community of respect and sovereignty, not fear, together.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
NEVER SHOW A MAN YOUR BOOBS & YOUR BRAIN AT THE SAME TIME!
Unless you want him to bust out in a sweat, springs and cogs bursting out of his ears, that is! Society has created a lot of broken toys. But this isn’t just about men. I have a lot of experience in this area, life-long experience, and it’s been showing up a lot in the reactions I get to my writing. It’s called cognitive dissonance, and it makes people feel quite uncomfortable. Let me explain: Cognitive dissonance is when you expect to feel one way about something, but find yourself feeling something different. This is partly because we use stereotypes to take mental shortcuts, it’s easier than assessing each person or situation from scratch.
So when you meet a pretty blonde, you might be really amazed that she loves to mountain climb (if you bothered to ask). Or when you meet a tattooed biker, it might confuse you that he loves to cook. Models? Naturally stupid of course! But here’s the thing, that woman on your Facebook in her tiny bikini on the pole might actually be a doctor, just enjoying the freedom and body positivity of pole fitness. (While your mind went straight to stripper)
So when we meet people we tend to put them in a box, especially women. We make a lot of assumptions based on their clothing, their face, their body or how they show up in our social media feed. And we expect them to behave according to the labels we assigned to them.
But here’s the thing…Just because she is in touch with her body or her sensuality, does not mean she is issuing invitations. And this is where the confusion, or cognitive dissonance can get ugly. The slut won’t chat to you in her DMs, so you send her a rude message after your first sleazy attempts fail. (Hey, WUD?….Hey, nice pussy…. Honey I think I love you…FU bitch, nobody wants you anyway). Except maybe she isn’t what you perceived her to be, and you’re the problem? I have lived some of these. Hell, I have put out an ad for yoga instructor training and gotten a dick pic in reply to the advert, even where there was no sexy photo!
So why does this keep happening? You get 3 types of people, in my experience.
Those who embrace the surprising truth. They think it’s cool that you can have a degree and be a model.
Those who will ignore anything that doesn’t fit their framework. (The one they put you in without letting you know about it.) These people will scroll past faster than you can spin the wheel of fortune.
And then lastly you get those who will have a reaction. They might get curious, and pick up the phone or send you a message wanting to know more about what you do. And when this happens everybody learns something. You learn how you are perceived by others, they will need to get that lecture off their chest. And then if you’re not too offended to carry on with the conversation they will learn how their judgements were out of place.*
*But then there’s the other side of that coin, the knee jerk reaction. Sometimes it seems like nothing enrages a man more than a sexy photo paired with a well written article about relationships or women’s wellness. Or a woman who loves that you are a mermaid but is completely shocked when you grow legs and climb a pole (I didn’t sign up for this. I’m unfollowing you.) The cognitive dissonance can be immense and extremely upsetting for some people. Men, particularly the ones who ‘know’ what roles a woman should play in society, will start to lash out if you don’t conform to certain roles. Madonna, maiden, mother, whore, crone…you know the stereotypes I’m speaking of. To step out of these boundaries placed on women by the patriarchy can be anathema to these guys. The burlesque dancer with a PhD. The model with the import business. The pretty blonde with her own mansion on the hill. Self-made women, outspoken women, independent women who somehow are expected to look and act like men because of their many talents and skills. Or quite simply the older woman who is still sexy and vibrant instead of knowing her place as expired milk, because ageing is a sin on social media. (I have received this particular insult, somebody didn’t get enough breast feeding I suspect).
We all know we cannot please everyone, and some of us will still try. But ladies, you are more than your boob job! Your body does not define you. Neither does your face, it’s merely a trick of nature. So wear the outfit, even if it does raise eyebrows. Dye your hair, take the course, book the solo plane ticket. Because only you get to decide how you are going to live your life. Don’t try to live it for other people, most are unsatisfiable. Express yourself and be authentically you, because the world needs to hear your message. And other women need to see women living their lives unapologetically and free. Become the wild woman that you were intended to be, and your tribe will find you.
This is your solemn duty to the evolution of womankind. And as for your dude, find one who supports this personal growth, not one who keeps you in that damn box. Find friends who cheer for you, support you and show up for you. There is a reason that woman’s gatherings have been banned throughout the centuries, and it is this. These women will be your tribe, and together you will rise.
I am a traditional doctor, life coach & wellness coach. You can book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 