There is nothing quite like watching your daughter getting married. Tam and Lance setting off on the adventure of a lifetime after a year of living in different countries.
Witnessing the hope, the purity, the love between them is both humbling and inspiring.
Just imagine if we could keep that feeling forever. Beyond the oxytocin Beyond the chemistry Beyond the storms
The good news is that you possibly can. Most relationships suffer from basic maintenance. You know how he used to buy flowers and you used to tell him he’s the best boyfriend in the world?
But then you both got busy, Kids, work, family stuff. And then suddenly you are wondering when the flame went out? Why you’re both unfulfilled?
Try a little bit of daily maintenance…
The coffee in bed, the lingering kiss, the 20 second hug when you walk in the door. Small things, holding her hands or resting yours on her lower back Cooking a favourite meal Date night All the little things you did naturally in the beginning. ❤️ My wish for you is a lifetime of love and happiness. May your infinity knot stay forever tied Lance & Tam
Image by XOXO Photography
THE CYCLE OF REBIRTH
Sometimes rebirth can feel like a death to the ones left behind, yet this cycle is essential for growth, change and happiness.
Yesterday my daughter and new son in law boarded a plane for Australia. We have shared our lives and our home for 22 years. We have built such a beautiful life together, and now a new cycle is beginning. What a brave and wonderful adventure to embark on.
And what a loss for those of us who are left behind. Having a child is like feeling your heart beating outside your body. Living, loving, hurting with no way to keep it safe.
I knew this day would come, and worked tirelessly for a year to make it happen for you. Citizenship Passports Driving lessons Dentists Doctors Wedding plans Packing a life into 3 suitcases.
Perhaps the definition of love is to do things for somebody even though the outcome will hurt you. Learning to surrender to something you cannot control or change. What an experience this life is turning out to be.
The highs The lows The uncertainty
And yet the cycle goes on. Death, rebirth, grief, denial, bargaining, acceptance still loading.
Tam and Lance, I know in my heart you will create a beautiful new life in Australia, full of love, new experiences and adventure. Go and share your magic with the world ✨
I love you both and we will see each other again. This is going to be a lot to get used to, for all of us. Bon voyage ❤️
Model: Candice Storm, Photographer: Mark Greenslade
RED RIDING HOOD AND THE WOLF Just because he is pursuing you, doesn’t mean he deserves to have you, ladies. We’ve been taught that our value lies in being wanted, to be flattered by being noticed, that being chased means being chosen. But sometimes being chosen just means being used. Afterall, who is doing the choosing? Do you really want him, or do you just want to be wanted? Not everyone who chases you is for you, or even good for you, and people have their own agendas. Some men will choose you to fulfil their needs, to extract your feminine essence from you. While others might choose you to uplift and worship you, and it’s not always easy to see the difference at the outset.
We’ve all done it. Started a relationship with somebody because it felt so great to feel chosen. But then you have a huge rupture in that relationship because of something he has done and he says, “at least I don’t cheat on you.” (Insert here that amazing thing you are supposed to be grateful for). And for a moment we are grateful for this. But why? Why the need for excuses to justify that he is actually such a great guy, despite the fact that he…..? Maybe if you’re having to talk yourself into this situationship there could be a red flag (or two) that you’re determined to ignore? To stay in your comfort zone, perhaps?
So let’s break this down. This dude wants you to overlook his toxic behaviour, or maybe his abuse, or perhaps it’s alcoholism, or narcissistic rage…because he knows how to keep his dick in his pants? So we’re all good here?
Um, ok, so you can insult your partner, attack her, bully her, be a complete waste of space, but she should be grateful to have you because you haven’t been shagging someone else behind her back? Or perhaps because no other woman in her right mind would take home such a specimen? And in return for your awesome fidelity she should be your mother, your therapist, your wife, your tantrika? What a great trade off (for YOU, mister)!
Dear women of the world, please do not settle for this emotional blackmail. Just because he is faithful does not mean he is a good guy. Or that he is even nearly good enough for you. You deserve someone who is faithful AND treats you well. Someone who is reliable and provides safety for your weary heart. Your relationship is not a multiple choice test with only one right answer.
You deserve someone who takes you away for a romantic weekend because they love you, not because they owe you an apology. You deserve someone who you can take to your fancy event, or a family lunch with the confidence that they know how to be sober and make you proud. The man who will buy you a special gift because you mean the world to him, not the guy who is using his wallet to manipulate you.
And as for that one who wants to finance a set of double D’s and keeps bringing it up every time you get naked? Well ain’t that just the gift that tells you how sub-standard you are? What a generous guy, please feel free to kick him to the kerb, sis. You are beautiful and worthy and not in need of any further enhancements to suit his tastes, even if he does look like Brad Pitt.
There are many things that a woman should be grateful for in her relationship, but the fact that he does not beat you up isn’t one of them. You do not have to be grateful for fidelity, or peace, or sobriety. These things are a given, they are to be expected and appreciated and returned in kind.
Now I’m not saying you need to run out the door without regard to your personal safety or the means to feed your children. But what I am saying is please stop selling yourself short, today. Take small steps if you have to. Start a gratitude journal celebrating your own charms, romanticise your life, learn how to make yourself feel great, so that you’re not hanging on every word that comes out of his damn mouth. Start formulating a way to improve your relationship, or an exit plan if need be.
Set some stronger boundaries and call him out on his bullshit, because you deserve a real man. One who provides love and safety and support. Someone who is all in, and wants to build a future with you. Nothing less is worthy of your mind, body and soul.
Remove the blinkers and ask yourself if you are really lucky to have him, or are you just settling? No more kissing frogs, take off that cloak and show the world what you’re made of. An incarnation of the divine feminine, the creator of life and the deepest source of love and sensuality. Perhaps it’s time to join the thousands of women who are going boy sober. Not because they can’t get a guy, but because they are waiting for the worthy guy. I’ll say it again…it’s not your job to sit around looking pretty and taking shit from some dude. You are worthy of so much more.
I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. If you need to be reminded how amazing you are, you can WhatsApp me to book an appointment. 0833613255
KICKING THE HABIT Research has shown that addictions need to be looked at sociologically. Building strong and positive relationships and having an enriching environment will be the medicine you need to kick the habit. It’s a journey, and you need to focus on the process of working through the stages rather than judging yourself based on outcomes.
There are some tried and tested steps that can help you towards recovery. Most importantly, ask for help. Reach out to a friend or somebody you admire. Join an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (they can help you with gambling and drug addictions too), or find a sharing circle. And if this is happening to somebody you love, you can get support too. (I’ll cover this in my next article).
Step 1: Honesty Addiction causes a level of denial that can be quite challenging for onlookers to believe. No matter how much people push someone into recovery, unless they accept that there’s a problem, overcoming it is almost impossible. You’ll need to be honest with yourself about the level of your dependence on substances, and what lengths you’re willing to go to to get a fix. Not everybody can drink responsibly. You’ll need to admit that you are powerless over drugs or alcohol. Once you admit that it’s in control of you and not the other way around, you can get started.
Step 2: Faith Figure out your WHY Why did you become addicted. WHY do you need to change your behaviour? WHY do you need to turn your life around?
If you are able to accept that there is a higher power in the universe, this can help keep you on track. If you want God, or any higher power, to act on your behalf, it’s imperative that you believe it can. Accepting a higher power helps you to see life from a different perspective and creates a sense of accountability.
If you are an atheist or agnostic, learn about other philosophies such as stoicism or Buddhism, or find a person who can guide you and hold you accountable. Accountability is key.
Step 3: Surrender Welcome a higher power into your life by surrendering fully to a higher purpose. When people feel like their lives lack purpose and meaning, free will can run wild and lead you down dark pathways. Choosing a higher purpose helps you focus on the true meaning within your life so you can feel like a valuable member of society again. You could pick a charity, join a rotary club or get involved in some community work.
Step 4: Soul Searching Soul searching is a process, just like recovery. There is no single moment that defines healing. Instead, it’s a culmination of intentions and actions that lead you down the right path. Soul searching involves looking objectively inwards at yourself. When we’re caught up in addiction, our intentions can end up severely misaligned from how we behave. Most people have good intentions, that can get lost as your addiction interferes. Soul searching will help you become the person you want to be.
Step 5: Integrity Most of the people who don’t succeed in recovery struggle most with this step. One of the hardest things in life is being honest about things that make us appear vulnerable in front of other people. However, the more you learn to speak your truth, unfiltered, the more you’ll get from the recovery process. Accept that expressing your feelings is normal, and that honesty about setbacks and negative thoughts have a better chance of being conquered if you share them.
Step 6: Acceptance Addiction is often underpinned by low self-esteem and a negative opinion of yourself. Once you learn to accept that everyone has both good traits and bad characteristics, it’ll be easier to accept yourself. Sometimes, the hardest aspect of acceptance is letting go of the painful stories we tell ourselves about the past. Forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done may get to the root of the addicition. Once you accept your history, you can start telling yourself new, happy stories about your future. Focusing on moving forward, setting goals and obtaining the skills necessary to achieve them will keep you on the right path, and you’ll be free of addiction for good.
Step 7: Humility Antisocial behavior, such as using drugs or withdrawing from peers, often stems from a confused sense of self. Be humble, be open and willing to accept help. Take an interest in the people around you and accept help from them. Thank about it, don’t let pride stand in the way of your recovery. The more people you have in your corner, the easier it will be to stay on track. Being an addict might feel embarassing, but people are more understanding than you think. Taking the wrong actions as a result of your addiction is a lot more embarassing, you’ll need help to keep you from messing up. When you let go and ask for help, you relieve a huge weight of pressure from your life. Whether it’s your religion or cultivating a supportive friend group, learn to lean in. There is no shame in receiving support on your journey.
Step 8: Willingness to make amends Write a list of the people you’ve harmed and ponder carefully over your past actions. Instead of feeling guilty or wallowing in emotion, think of ideas to make amends. Rather than seeing this as a check-box exercise, genuinely show a willingness to repair the relationships you have broken. Take positive steps to connect with these people, say sorry, and explain the journey you have undertaken.
Step 9: Forgiveness If there are people in your past who have caused you pain or trauma or hurt you in any way, now is the time to let go. Resentment isn’t constructive for the mind. In fact, it breeds the type of feelings that make you more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol. Letting go of bad feelings — even if they’re aimed at people who do bad things — frees the soul. You could have a conversation with these people, write them a letter, even burn it rather than post it. Whatever works to get those feelings out in the open and stop spiralling inwards with these negative emotions.
Step 10: Maintenance Quitting an addiction is a long game. Throughout the entire process, you’ll be required to check back with yourself. Be totally honest with yourself about progress so that you can move forward. Remind yourself of your WHY, to help you stay on track. Look at your past slip-ups and put processes in place to make sure you don’t get caught again. Build a strategy that works for you.
Step 11: Making Contact Reach out to your higher power to find out what it’s purpose for you is. Or connect to your inner God/ Goddess and feel into what your calling could be. Everyone has a gift in life; no matter what it is, there’s something you can offer the world. When you’re working toward this purpose is when you’ll feel happiest.
Step 12: Service Service is all about action. This stage is about giving back. For the rest of your life, apply everything you have learned on this journey to help you build a brighter future for yourself. Help others, take somebody under your wing, serve and protect your family and friends. Mentor someone, uplift someone, share your gifts with the world. Building strong morals and supporting those around you will make you a pillar of strength in your family, friend group or community.
When I was studying psychology, I spent time volunteering at alcohol rehab clinics, assisting in the group therapy. I learned so many things in that time. At the end of the day, the only way to quit a habit is to QUIT. For once and for all, QUIT. No more excuses or bargaining. Stand resolute in your decision. This is your time to shine, to feel gratitude to those who have traveled with you through your darkest moments, and to give back. Show them what you are made of and stick to your chosen course through this life. It’s your life, and it’s time to move forward and embrace all the positive experiences that you will create through this process.
I am a life coach and wellness coach. You can send me a WhatsApp to book a session on 0833613255
Model: Candice Storm, Snowflake editions
THE 90 DAY HIATUS There is power in reclaiming your space, reclaiming your body, reclaiming your energy. There is power in creating the space to reflect and to heal.
Sometimes, the only way to heal from a rupture is to remove yourself from the triggers. If somebody hurts you, there is this remembrance in your body that will react to the little things that they do, the little reminders of the hurt they caused. This is your body’s response to the trauma. Your body trying to protect you. So you might find yourself in full fight or flight mode over something relatively small, something that’s pointing towards a recurrence of that hurt. While you are trying to heal, every tiny incident is going to take you right back there. A setback, but also a form of processing. It might be upsetting, but its completely normal. You will experience high levels of stress and panic, reliving the way the incident made you feel. Your mind is processing and your body is feeling it as if it is real, and on repeat.
The truth is that if your partner loves you and knows they have caused you pain, they should take steps to shield you from these triggers. A previously unfaithful man should take care not to make comments on other woman’s bodies or lock his phone, for example. An alcoholic talking about booze may send his partner into a distressing spiral, making her re-live the last nasty incident and instantly feeling unsafe. If they value the relationship more than their addiction or destructive needs, they need to refrain from saying and doing even small things, because you will be hypersensitive and on high alert for quite some time. Holding your breath everytime he speaks, being watchful, walking on egg shells can feel like sleeping with the enemy.
An unfaithful partner is no longer connected to you, an addict is bringing a third person (or energy) into the relationship too. So while you are advocating for healing and protection, he is hearing nagging, whining, accusing you of being controlling. But the issue is their lack of control. He is so involved in this other energetic intruder that he cannot feel the depth of your despair, hurt, or rage. Your emotional, physical, mental and somatic distress is lost on them, they are emotionally bound to somebody or something else. Obsession sweeping everything else under the rug.
Yes, you can learn how to manage your reactions with yoga and breathwork, I’ve written about PTSD before. But if he is going to continue to drip feed the trauma and find every loophole, you are going to continue spiralling. It can take a woman two years to recover from trauma, and that’s a single incident. An emotional trauma might be invisible, but it’s the somatic equivalent of a train wreck. Add in some repeat offences and you’re off on an epic healing journey of many years. If a man cannot show up for his own emotional needs, using women or weed to sooth himself, he will struggle to show up to help co-regulate yours. (Of course this can be the other way around too).
So how do you get out of the loop? The answer is that space might be the ultimate healing tool for your journey towards mental health. Take your power back to heal yourself. Limit your exposure to the triggers. Especially if there have been multiple traumas, your I’m -not-safe beacons will be ablaze. Take time and space to reflect, to recalibrate, to grow. Your nervous system will begin to regulate outside of the influences that were distressing you. You will experience a settling. Of insight, of calm, of clarity. You will be able to invest your energy into yourself, pour it into your healing, your hobbies, your projects. When you pull your energy back to yourself you will start a growth cycle that is exponential. You will start to feed your soul and your soul will start to nourish you back.
In the context of a relationship, it’s a win win. Both parties getting the time to reflect, to invest in themselves, to regulate their nervous systems. For him (or her) to learn self soothing and healthy coping patterns. To choose differently, design a way forward consciously. With each other or perhaps without.
90 days in the context of a lifetime is well worth the time, and can bring massive rewards with very little time invested, in the grand scheme of things. It can allow the breaking of old, destructive patterns, and shift thought processes into a healthier space. You can create a regulated somatic state, without another person drawing on the energy you are generating. A state where you are not longer highly reactive, and can navigate challenges with more calm and detachment. You can release trauma and gain self awareness, as well as greater insight into your situation. It’s not a luxury, sometimes it’s a necessity. When it comes to re-wiring your brain, there is magic in the 90 day journey.
I am a life coach and relationship coach. WhatsApp bookings 0833613255
GODDESS RISING
Today I was asked an interesting question. As I blend psychology, sensuality and woman empowerment into my coaching practice, what unexpected breakthroughs have I watched unfold?
I often find the women who try my programs don’t fit into any specific box. Often it’s a break up, and they are looking to reclaim their bodies and minds. It’s very gratifying to watch the process as their confidence returns. Also, the types of women who are drawn to my programs are very diverse, from doctors to teenagers to retired ladies, it’s truly amazing to realise you cannot put women into a box. Yes, you can be a lawyer or a housewife and still feel hot AF when you attend a goddess styled workshop. I’m talking burlesque, pole dance, air yoga, mermaiding. There are so many fun and beautiful ways to connect with your inner goddess. Your wild woman, your enchantress.
As for unexpected breakthroughs…We’ve had a few unexpected pregnancies! Working with the goddess frequencies, the sacral Chakra, the divine feminine can activate your fertility too. Women are the creators of life, we embody the divine feminine, so watch out!
It’s not just a dance class, or a quick coaching session. Change will be a beautiful outcome, but the process can also be messy. Challenging your self limiting beliefs, and shedding what no longer serves you. But also, as a woman grows she might outgrow existing relationships which can be bitter sweet. Letting go can be one of the hardest challenges you will face, but one of the most rewarding when you are out the other side.
I am a Life Coach and Wellness Coach, you can book a session with me via WhatsApp 0833613255
Model: Candice Storm, Photographer Alan Perring
THE SLUT PHASE
You know, you really gotta love the way society vilifies a woman who is exploring her sexuality. I mean, nobody calls out men for sleeping around after a divorce, at least not in a derogatory way. It’s feels like her body is public property, and everyone takes it personally when she chooses to have a casual sexual encounter. The slut phase, or hoe phase, charmingly refers to those times when a woman emerges from a break up and spends some time experimenting with other sexual partners.
So let’s unpack this a little.
Firstly, the rebound. You survived your last relationship, or perhaps limped out of there with your heart in pieces and your halo bent and twisted. Your womb a sexual desert and your mind full of the rejection you felt after all those nights lying next to a partner who was no longer connected with you. I’m talking mind, body, soul connection. There is nothing quite as lonely as lying in bed with somebody who no longer sees you, or even worse, is seeing somebody else.
So you pick up your pride and your pantihose, and you sneak out in the middle of the night. Or perhaps there was the big showdown, the one where they tell you what they really think of you, no holds barred. So you cry and lick your wounds, painfully aware that you need more, that you are worth more.
And then in search of presence, you find yourself settling for performance instead. Your womb rejoices at being chosen again, your body rides the oxytocin train, and you feel wanted, sexy and sexually liberated. And there is nothing wrong with this phase, it can form a vital part of your healing process. You embrace your sexual autonomy and elect to enjoy sex just because it feels good and uncomplicated. You get to rediscover your sexual identity after years of compromise, or you want to explore what your needs and wants are after settling too soon with your high school sweetheart. It’s less about being with other people, and more about being with yourself in different contexts. Free from the constraints of your relationship, you may discover certain dormant parts of yourself re-emerging as you let go of certain roles, such as the ‘responsible partner’, or ‘handbrake’. But just don’t stay there for too long, sweetheart, because outer validation can start feeling like a different kind of loneliness when you wake up alone, the sheets still warm from your last blistering encounter. You might start to feel like you have abandoned your value to seek sexual attention and the illusion of love. And enmeshing your creative life force with unworthy men can start to seem like a risk to your peace of mind and your energy field. Your body deserves to be more than a vessel for revenge, for proving how quickly you could replace him. The best way to get over somebody is not to get under somebody. So take care not to get emotionally attached because your ovaries are screaming for a new baby daddy, because you might just be emotionally abandoning yourself in this quest for empty pleasure. Enjoy the fun and adventures for a while if a distraction is what you need, and be wary of the health risks while you’re at it, but there is still work to be done to avoid replaying the same old toxic patterns. The ones you bravely but just barely managed to tear yourself away from last time you escaped your relationship wreck. Casual sex is a coping method, and it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partners during this phase. It shouldn’t be a substitute for processing your divorce, rather view it as just a component of your healing journey.
Then comes the assimilation phase, the time where you (hopefully) settle down into your single life for a while. Unpack those emotional bags and air out the dirty laundry. This is the phase where the self work begins. It’s important to take this time to re-evaluate your life, your choices. To do some soul searching. Afterall, you are no longer the same person you were before your last relationship disaster. You have shrunk yourself to fit into someone else’s life, you have doubted your value, you have tried and failed and tried again. You have experienced life lessons, and now is the time to learn from them. To build yourself up. To figure out what you really want, not just chase after the next dude because he is the opposite of your ex. And this is the phase that takes time. It takes soul searching, it takes inward journeying, it takes tears. It takes self love.
But if you can do this without skipping blindly into the next situationship? You will enter the reclamation phase. You will emerge like a butterfly from your chrysalis, with beautiful new wings. You will be crystal clear on your hopes and dreams, and pursue them fearlessly without falling into someone else’s. You will avoid the honey traps that await you, and wait for something better, something more meaningful, more fulfilling. Hell, you will create something more beautiful all by yourself. And once you have done this, you will attract your new partner, not chase him. Someone who is aligned with your values and truly sees you for who you are, because you know and love yourself.
So have your fun if that’s what you need to do, release any shame that might be attached to your sexual revolution, and then come back to your authentic self. Divorce is not a failure, it’s an opportunity to build something better this time.
I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach. You can book an appointment via WhatsApp 0833613255.
Image by Emil Wessels, Model Candice Storm
ARE YOU POUTING OR PEOPLE PLEASING?
The first step towards self confidence is not being afraid to be ugly or disliked. Nobody is perfect, so stop trying to be. Focus on your strengths, not your perceived imperfections, and watch your life bloom. Water your own garden and stop weeding for others. Once you get over the fear of being seen as ugly or unpopular and stop equating beauty with other good things in life (friends, love, happiness) it’s a lot easier to love yourself unconditionally.
Beauty is an inside job, and our exterior should amplify these qualities. You do not have to be pretty to receive love. You do not have to swallow your words or your pride to be accepted. You will never be too much in the right company. So take a course, book a holiday, travel solo, invest in yourself. Don’t worry so much about your itty bitty titties or those wrinkles gathering around your eyes.
Because guess what ? Your looks will fade, sis, it’s inevitable. Botox at 40 might be beautiful, but it still looks like Botox at 40. And those partners who only saw your beauty as skin deep will fade away as your body begins to age. Those people you worked so hard to people please? Gone as soon as you put your foot down and show the authentic you. So learn to see those smile lines as the result of a life well lived. Those frown lines as the proof of wisdom gained through experience.
Your job is not to sit around taking shit and being easy on the eye. Your job is to do exactly what fills your heart and soul with happiness, and look however you want whilst doing it.
I once got told I look ugly when I cry. Imagine being expected to be visually pleasing while your heart is breaking? I guess I missed that class in school…you know, the one where they take all the girls aside and teach them to sob prettily into a handkerchief? So that guy had to go! My advice is this:
Don’t hide how you feel to make other people more comfortable.
Wear that dress
Say the thing that’s been on your mind
Be wild
Be unconventional
Be unapologetic about the passions that course through your veins
Cultivate boundaries like a motherf*cker.
You only get this one shot to live this life. So live it to the full. Live it with authenticity. Find your soul’s tribe and to hell with the rest. Carpe Diem bitches.
Model: Mermaid Storm
PARADISE LOST
Have you ever noticed how so many of us end up trying to change the ones we love? They were just fine in the beginning, but then we started to notice that who they were didn’t line up with our expectation of who we thought they were? Or those red flags that we told ourselves were minor are suddenly blazing across the sky like Haley’s Comet?
This is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who this person was before you fell in love with them. You skipped over the understanding of what this person was actually offering you, blinded by a cocktail of charm and oxytocin. You dived in so quickly, ripping your clothes off faster than your inner child at an Easter egg hunt. In fact, ahem, you shoved it in your mouth so fast you didn’t even check what was inside that shiny wrapper! It takes time to peel back that pretty packaging, and if you didn’t wait long enough to see what was really inside, you might have ended up with a flavour not to your liking. You leaped before you looked, and when this happens, love can turn into attachment to an idea, rather than reality. Like when Harry Potter’s Every Flavoured Beans ended up tasting like ear wax or toad warts instead of cream pie? We’ve all been there.
Prince charming hooted at the gate, or asked you to split the bill, or did another kind of split after breakfast in bed. And while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you’re wondering how the eggs got scrambled.
The thing is, when you don’t really know who someone is, you start filling in the blanks with hope, potential, or who your starry eyes wish them to be. You imbue them with every magical quality your heart ever imagined, and then feel let down when your unsuspecting lover didn’t get the memo!
You’re already building a future with a version of somebody who doesn’t actually exist, and wondering why they aren’t on the same page. Or worse, they already showed a little of who they are and you turned a blind eye. Sure it was a disarming, white washed version of themselves, and you decided you could change them with a few subtle tweaks. If you just loved them enough, or guided them enough, or inspired them enough with your pretty picture of the future. The one you already painted and framed over the mantelpiece.
Yes, as women we are programmed to nurture, but it is not your role to mother a grown-ass man. And if you cast yourself into the parental role, he will respond as the child. He will rebel or become argumentative, and you will be stuck holding the stick or the carrot. Suddenly finding yourself counting his drinks or nagging him to eat dinner. Reminding him to brush his teeth or to take out the trash. Offering rewards for good behaviour or accepting bribes for bad. And this is not conscious love, this is you carrying the full weight of responsibility for both of you. This is you burning out while he turns loving him into a f*cking chore.
And yet, you chose this, perhaps not consciously, but by default when you dived into the deep end to catch somebody you barely knew. You chose a man who was unworthy, was unwilling to rise, and fell head over heels before you realised.
Maybe he wasn’t ready, or hadn’t figured it out yet. Or maybe you get validation from uplifting others. But before you try to heal a love match, make sure they are ready to live without the poison. Because a partner is not supposed to be a project, and you are not supposed to be a rehabilitation centre for f*ckwits or f*ckboys.
Because let’s face it, if he wanted to change, he would have done so already. You could spend years investing in something that was broken from the very beginning, or you could take some time to find somebody willing to grow with you. To co-create with you. To build a future with you.
So this is me calling myself out on my own bullshit, and calling you out on yours too. The choice is yours, so choose wisely.
I am a life coach & wellness coach. You ban book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
Image by Ken Lovell, Model Candice Storm
THINKING OUT OF THE BRA!
You get many expressions of feminism, from the burn-the-bra and grow-your-armpit-hair types, to the my-body-my-rules point of view. Women have been claiming their sovereignty back since the 60’s, and sometimes I wonder if fun got left behind with it! When did things get so serious? Why did society need to push women to the point of being on guard, on the defensive all the time?
There are so many issues around woman’s bodies and breasts. Most notably that ‘breasts are for babies’ and ‘breasts are for breastfeeding’. And I agree 100 percent with these statements, having breast fed 2 beautiful children of my own. But more importantly breasts belong to the woman they are attached to! They are not public property or available for comment and comparison. All sizes are good sizes! So when it comes to being a breast fan, I’m not talking about modifying your boobs to impress a partner or flashing them on Only Fans. I’m talking about healing our relationship with our breasts. Coming back into balance.
I once felt that I needed breast implants to complete my ‘look’ and it turned out they were not for me. My body rejected them from day one and I spent years struggling with the complications and my own health. And boy oh boy was removing them a trauma! It felt like losing my own breasts, like a mastectomy of sorts. Our society has created so much body dysmorphia in the eyes of men and the minds of women surrounding breasts. What is the ideal shape, the ideal size? How can we alter the appearance of our breasts to be more sexually or visually appealing? Do we draw the line at a push up bra, breast implants or just burning that bra entirely?
Social media expects women to look a certain way, and then to change completely with the next trend. Yet we are not the same, we are all unique and each body type has it’s own charms. Perhaps we need to heal the perception of what a natural breast actually looks like? Afterall, you don’t see men rushing off to cut open their balls and install some large fake clangers, or at least not very often?
Through all of this, we as woman need to learn to love and appreciate ourselves for who we are, to not be defined by our breasts, and to be body positive about our own shape.
And sometimes, if we can learn to truly appreciate who we are on the other side of trauma and healing, there lies a whole lot of fun and freedom! Afterall, the more you focus on trauma, the more you will feel the trauma. But don’t unpack your bags and stay there, do the work and move forward. How would you make love if you weren’t worried about your appearance? If you didn’t feel the need to turn off the lights? How would you feel about your body if you could let go of the negative experiences and toxic thought processes?
There is value in a sensual celebration of what it means to be woman, a woman not defined by her breasts but able to enjoy being in her own skin. Being a woman free to express herself as she wishes without fear of judgement or unwanted advances. A woman free to be her wild and unapologetic self. Not for money, not to impress anybody, but just to embody the goddess she was intended to be.
At the end of the day, working on the relationship you have with yourself will be the most important journey you will ever travel. It’s time to sign up for that pole dancing class, it might just be the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on! Learn some titillating tata twirling, why wouldn’t you? Embracing your sensual side is a reclamation, you’re so much more than a mother or a badass business woman. You are a wonder of nature, a creator of life and a feral enchantress in your own right.
So love your body for what she does for you today, give her what she needs to feel safe, and please don’t base your self worth on the size of your ‘assets’. Choose happiness, choose self expression, choose balance between the goddess, the mother, career woman, the enchantress. Embrace the shadows and the light, the yin and the yang, because taking a deep breath and surrendering into who you truly are is the ultimate freedom. You don’t need permission, and anything else is just manifesting your fear of judgement and shame. They have no place in the psyche of the embodied wild woman.
I am a life coach and relationship coach, you can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.
Candice Baker Life Coach 