WHEN THE TIDE TURNS: RISING AGAINST THE WAVES OF GENDER BASED VIOLENCE.
There has been a lot of sharing lately, with the Woman For Change protest making it onto the G20 agenda. Around the world, women are fighting for their lives. In South Africa this is especially true. There has been a rise in gender based violence and femicide in South Africa this past year, and WFC are campaigning to have this declared a national disaster.
Women have been encouraged to share their experiences of GBV, not for sympathy but to create awareness of what it means to be a woman who is more likely to be killed by her partner than by a complete stranger. A partner who probably considers himself to be a nice guy, and not a criminal…
Some men don’t understand how women are always looking over their shoulders as they walk to the shop. Always scanning the room for threats. How they profile each man they encounter before going on a date. Picking the safest restaurant, not disclosing their address, wired for fight or flight. It must be cool to be the apex predator, afraid of no one, except maybe another man. But some men do not wield that power to serve and protect. Some men use their power to take what is not theirs. Men you know at work. Men sitting at your dinner table.
I have had a few frightening experiences with men. I don’t believe I know any woman who hasn’t. Some of these things I have not thought about in years. But now we are being called to share.
For me, this is how it looked from a very young age.
There were times where kissing nearly turned into unwanted, coercive s3x in high school, and times where I have felt immense pressure as an adult too. I consider myself lucky that my NO was accepted, if not all that gracefully.
I have had hands around my throat, only 16 years old, and being thrown to the ground. This was the price I paid because I requested a song from the DJ. I have been shoved in a night club for wanting to dance with my friends instead of some guy.
I have been threatened with violence by men who couldn’t bend me to their will.
To burn my house down.
To set me on fire.
To report me (for my daughter’s weed trees) to the police.
To have me thrown in jail as revenge for not capitulating.
I have been shoved across the bed when he couldn’t climax. Been held hostage when I wanted to leave.
There is this mindset amongst some men, that they are entitled to their way, no matter what the price to be paid.
So I share these experiences not for sympathy, but for awareness.
But by far the worst abuse I have received is emotional. For me, this seems to last much longer. But I guess that’s only because nobody ever followed through with the ‘Till-Death-Do-Us-Part’ experience. However, I have gained full access to the Post Traumatic Stress experience, which sat within my nervous system far longer than the threat of violence ever did.
Some words cannot be unheard. They are spells that haunt you even if you know in your heart they are not true. The body shaming. The put downs about my intellect, my business, my children, my dog. (I’m truly grateful she is deaf 🤣)
Words piled on the fire to explode like shrapnel into soft flesh. Missiles fired at the ones you’re supposed to love. The mindset: maybe if I make her small enough she will love me again.
In truth, my experience of physical violence has created much fear in the moment, and faded in time. But I consider myself lucky that it has not been worse. And that in itself is pretty fucked up.
So before you knee jerk your way into looking like a complete narcisist, please don’t comment on this post about how #not-all-men are like this. Women already know this.
But some men are like this, and this post is about my lived experiences with them. So if this post triggers you, ask yourself if you are really against women fighting to be safe in the streets, even safe in their homes? Is your ego so fragile that you would derail a movement like this to protect yourself because women are talking about GBV and you just happen to be a man? Are you standing with women, or upholding the ‘Bro Code’ no matter what? You do not have to be a feminist to understand that women do not want to be beaten, raped, threatened or murdered. If you cannot stand with women on this, are you at least not standing in their way?
And to all the women out there who are surviving rape, attempted murder or constant emotional assault, I encourage you to share your story, but above all be safe. Let’s create awareness, these are not isolated incidents and women are fighting for their lives out there.
There are songs beneath the waves, songs of gender based violence. Don’t let your voice be drowned out by the sounds of this rising storm. Rise above it, stand firm and take a sister by the hand. Together we rise.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
T/DR Candice Baker
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Candice Baker Life Coach 