Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: therapy

  • The Crime Of Flying Solo.

    THE CRIME OF FLYING SOLO

    Let’s talk about being single…
    Recently a man responded to one of my posts , saying ‘no wonder you are single’, meant as an insult and a judgement. But sometimes your relationship is just cortisol wrapped in cologne, honey.

    Here are my thoughts:

    There is this idea that a woman only has value of she has been chosen by a man. That a single woman is somehow defective. That the only way a woman can command respect or stature in society is by being somebody’s wife. That a woman needs the back-up of a man in order to be heard, or be successful. But these are outdated patriarchal ideas that have become part of the fabric of our collective unconscious. And they are not correct.

    I do believe that we are wired to want connection. That human beings love the idea of being chosen. That we crave intimacy and physical touch, perhaps a over all else. We are social beings and biologically driven to search for sex. But sex is not intimacy. And when we start to discern this, we can re-imagine this biological blueprint.

    In this era, in this country a woman can earn her own money, drive her own car, and buy her own home. So why are we still clinging to the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love a romantic relationship as much as the next person, but the truth is that many of us are clinging to liaisons way beyond their sell by date. Habit? Convenience? Perhaps. But also because we have come to believe that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single.


    However, if you have ever been single for a period of time, you might have discovered that being single is a powerful and self-affirming choice.
    Being single is a state of unapologetic independence.
    It’s the choice of self reliance, of friendship over romantic love.
    And let’s face it, romantic love isn’t always so romantic.
    Being single is choosing peace over conflict.
    Choosing happiness over mediocrity or hurt.
    It’s being happy with your own company, comfortable in your own space.
    To travel solo and meet new people outside of your comfort zone.
    Being single is choosing freedom, embracing our wildness and being open to new possibilities.
    Being single is a conscious choice to wait for the right time or right person.
    To not settle, or stay stuck.

    Most importantly, being single is choosing yourself, and this is not selfish. Calling back your energy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. By doing this you are investing in yourself. Making time for your own projects and passions instead of investing in somebody else’s.

    Some of the most productive times in my life have been when I was single. Even when I chose to sit with my unhappiness… writing, journeying, contemplating. Choosing to sit with my trauma until I understood it and could set it free, without the band aid of throwing myself into another relationship..Trying to fix or help a partner rather than myself. This is where personal growth begins. This is the most important journey of your life time, the journey into self.

    I am not single but I am very happy when I am. This image is of me being single at Feel Festival in 2019, feeling ALL of the feels. ❤️

    If you struggle with being single, or are needing to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, let’s talk.
    Book a life coaching session with me online or in perso .

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Sleeping With The Enemy

    SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

    Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause.
    CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash.
    So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way.
    Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships.
    What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too.
    With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely.
    It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.

    With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty.
    When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode.
    Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night.
    Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image.
    You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.

    In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.

    So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.

    Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.

    And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.

    So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation.
    You deserve more.
    You are worthy.
    You are enough.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The 90 Day Hiatus

    Model: Candice Storm, Snowflake editions

    THE 90 DAY HIATUS
    There is power in reclaiming your space, reclaiming your body, reclaiming your energy.
    There is power in creating the space to reflect and to heal.

    Sometimes, the only way to heal from a rupture is to remove yourself from the triggers. If somebody hurts you, there is this remembrance in your body that will react to the little things that they do, the little reminders of the hurt they caused. This is your body’s response to the trauma. Your body trying to protect you. So you might find yourself in full fight or flight mode over something relatively small, something that’s pointing towards a recurrence of that hurt.
    While you are trying to heal, every tiny incident is going to take you right back there. A setback, but also a form of processing. It might be upsetting, but its completely normal. You will experience high levels of stress and panic, reliving the way the incident made you feel. Your mind is processing and your body is feeling it as if it is real, and on repeat.

    The truth is that if your partner loves you and knows they have caused you pain, they should take steps to shield you from these triggers. A previously unfaithful man should take care not to make comments on other woman’s bodies or lock his phone, for example. An alcoholic talking about booze may send his partner into a distressing spiral, making her re-live the last nasty incident and instantly feeling unsafe.
    If they value the relationship more than their addiction or destructive needs, they need to refrain from saying and doing even small things, because you will be hypersensitive and on high alert for quite some time.
    Holding your breath everytime he speaks, being watchful, walking on egg shells can feel like sleeping with the enemy.

    An unfaithful partner is no longer connected to you, an addict is bringing a third person (or energy) into the relationship too. So while you are advocating for healing and protection, he is hearing nagging, whining, accusing you of being controlling. But the issue is their lack of control. He is so involved in this other energetic intruder that he cannot feel the depth of your despair, hurt, or rage. Your emotional, physical, mental and somatic distress is lost on them, they are emotionally bound to somebody or something else. Obsession sweeping everything else under the rug.

    Yes, you can learn how to manage your reactions with yoga and breathwork, I’ve written about PTSD before. But if he is going to continue to drip feed the trauma and find every loophole, you are going to continue spiralling. It can take a woman two years to recover from trauma, and that’s a single incident. An emotional trauma might be invisible, but it’s the somatic equivalent of a train wreck. Add in some repeat offences and you’re off on an epic healing journey of many years. If a man cannot show up for his own emotional needs, using women or weed to sooth himself, he will struggle to show up to help co-regulate yours. (Of course this can be the other way around too).

    So how do you get out of the loop? The answer is that space might be the ultimate healing tool for your journey towards mental health. Take your power back to heal yourself.
    Limit your exposure to the triggers. Especially if there have been multiple traumas, your I’m -not-safe beacons will be ablaze. Take time and space to reflect, to recalibrate, to grow.
    Your nervous system will begin to regulate outside of the influences that were distressing you.
    You will experience a settling. Of insight, of calm, of clarity.
    You will be able to invest your energy into yourself, pour it into your healing, your hobbies, your projects.
    When you pull your energy back to yourself you will start a growth cycle that is exponential.
    You will start to feed your soul and your soul will start to nourish you back.

    In the context of a relationship, it’s a win win. Both parties getting the time to reflect, to invest in themselves, to regulate their nervous systems. For him (or her) to learn self soothing and healthy coping patterns.
    To choose differently, design a way forward consciously. With each other or perhaps without.

    90 days in the context of a lifetime is well worth the time, and can bring massive rewards with very little time invested, in the grand scheme of things.
    It can allow the breaking of old, destructive patterns, and shift thought processes into a healthier space.
    You can create a regulated somatic state, without another person drawing on the energy you are generating.
    A state where you are not longer highly reactive, and can navigate challenges with more calm and detachment.
    You can release trauma and gain self awareness, as well as greater insight into your situation.
    It’s not a luxury, sometimes it’s a necessity.
    When it comes to re-wiring your brain, there is magic in the 90 day journey.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach.
    WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Can Your Relationship Give You PTSD?

    Models: Candice Storm & Jenny Droppa

    CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP GIVE YOU POST TRAUMATIC STRESS?

    The answer is yes, your relationship can give you post traumatic stress and it’s all in the name. It’s the stress that you feel after a traumatic incident, such as a fight or being threatened.
    During a fight, your body goes into flight or flight mode, a reflex designed to save your life. It dates back to our caveman days, where you needed extra adrenalin to fight a bear or outrun a mountain lion.
    But in today’s world we are seldom being chased by bears. So when our body gets flooded by adrenaline we cannot always use it to fight or to run.
    And when the trauma is over, our body gets stuck in this loop of re-living the stress and feeling unsafe.

    PTSD can be the result of one big, upsetting incident, or a string of bad situations that you can’t control. But each time something bad happens to you, your ability to bounce back becomes less.

    In severe cases it affects your sleep and can give you nightmares, or flash backs.
    You will find your head going round and round in circles and a constant knot in your stomach. And just when you think you’re feeling normal, you’ll suddenly be overwhelmed by anxiety for no apparent reason.

    Here are some other symptoms you might be experiencing:
    Behavioural: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behaviour, or social isolation.
    Psychological: flashbacks, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust.
    Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness.
    Sleep: insomnia or nightmares
    Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts.

    So what you can you do to recover from PTSD?
    Firstly, try and remove yourself from the situation that is keeping you trapped in this loop. Once you are feeling safe, your nervous system can begin to start self- regulation.
    Secondly, talk to somebody about it, expressing your feeling about a traumatic event, and talking about what happened to you helps your brain to process it, and your body to begin working through it.
    Thirdly, you can use some tools to cope when you feel overwhelmed:
    -Distancing yourself from the situation.
    -A change of environment.
    -Yoga to shift your focus away from the trauma and into balancing on one leg, or finger, or whatever pretzel shape your teacher has in mind for you.
    -Get outside, take off your shoes, walk in nature a bit. Grounding, also known as earthing,works by connecting the human body to the Earth’s natural electric charge, typically through direct skin contact. This connection helps neutralize free radicals and potentially reduce inflammation by transferring electrons from the Earth to the body. This can lead to various reported benefits like reduced pain, improved sleep, and decreased stress levels.
    -Breathing, the trick is to take long, slow exhales. Try breathing in for 4 counts, then out for 8. As you relax, you might be able to shift this into a ratio of 6/12 or 8/16. A slow exhale switches your Vegas nerve into parasympathetic mode, tricking your brain and body into feeling calmer. Effectively switching off the fight or flight reflex.

    PTSD recovery is possible and involves a combination of professional treatment, self-care strategies, and support from loved ones. While some individuals recover naturally, professional help, including therapy and sometimes medication, is often needed for effective management and healing.

    Recovery is a process, and it’s normal to experience ups and downs.Accepting that healing takes time and being kind to oneself are crucial.

    Maintaining a healthy diet, getting enough rest, and engaging in enjoyable activities can contribute to overall well-being and recovery. Start by doing small things that make you happy and relaxed every day, try some meditation and positive visualisations, and remember to be patient with yourself.

    I am a holistic life coach and relationship coach.
    You can get in touch with me to book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255