THE 90 DAY HIATUS
There is power in reclaiming your space, reclaiming your body, reclaiming your energy.
There is power in creating the space to reflect and to heal.
Sometimes, the only way to heal from a rupture is to remove yourself from the triggers. If somebody hurts you, there is this remembrance in your body that will react to the little things that they do, the little reminders of the hurt they caused. This is your body’s response to the trauma. Your body trying to protect you. So you might find yourself in full fight or flight mode over something relatively small, something that’s pointing towards a recurrence of that hurt.
While you are trying to heal, every tiny incident is going to take you right back there. A setback, but also a form of processing. It might be upsetting, but its completely normal. You will experience high levels of stress and panic, reliving the way the incident made you feel. Your mind is processing and your body is feeling it as if it is real, and on repeat.
The truth is that if your partner loves you and knows they have caused you pain, they should take steps to shield you from these triggers. A previously unfaithful man should take care not to make comments on other woman’s bodies or lock his phone, for example. An alcoholic talking about booze may send his partner into a distressing spiral, making her re-live the last nasty incident and instantly feeling unsafe.
If they value the relationship more than their addiction or destructive needs, they need to refrain from saying and doing even small things, because you will be hypersensitive and on high alert for quite some time.
Holding your breath everytime he speaks, being watchful, walking on egg shells can feel like sleeping with the enemy.
An unfaithful partner is no longer connected to you, an addict is bringing a third person (or energy) into the relationship too. So while you are advocating for healing and protection, he is hearing nagging, whining, accusing you of being controlling. But the issue is their lack of control. He is so involved in this other energetic intruder that he cannot feel the depth of your despair, hurt, or rage. Your emotional, physical, mental and somatic distress is lost on them, they are emotionally bound to somebody or something else. Obsession sweeping everything else under the rug.
Yes, you can learn how to manage your reactions with yoga and breathwork, I’ve written about PTSD before. But if he is going to continue to drip feed the trauma and find every loophole, you are going to continue spiralling. It can take a woman two years to recover from trauma, and that’s a single incident. An emotional trauma might be invisible, but it’s the somatic equivalent of a train wreck. Add in some repeat offences and you’re off on an epic healing journey of many years. If a man cannot show up for his own emotional needs, using women or weed to sooth himself, he will struggle to show up to help co-regulate yours. (Of course this can be the other way around too).
So how do you get out of the loop? The answer is that space might be the ultimate healing tool for your journey towards mental health. Take your power back to heal yourself.
Limit your exposure to the triggers. Especially if there have been multiple traumas, your I’m -not-safe beacons will be ablaze. Take time and space to reflect, to recalibrate, to grow.
Your nervous system will begin to regulate outside of the influences that were distressing you.
You will experience a settling. Of insight, of calm, of clarity.
You will be able to invest your energy into yourself, pour it into your healing, your hobbies, your projects.
When you pull your energy back to yourself you will start a growth cycle that is exponential.
You will start to feed your soul and your soul will start to nourish you back.
In the context of a relationship, it’s a win win. Both parties getting the time to reflect, to invest in themselves, to regulate their nervous systems. For him (or her) to learn self soothing and healthy coping patterns.
To choose differently, design a way forward consciously. With each other or perhaps without.
90 days in the context of a lifetime is well worth the time, and can bring massive rewards with very little time invested, in the grand scheme of things.
It can allow the breaking of old, destructive patterns, and shift thought processes into a healthier space.
You can create a regulated somatic state, without another person drawing on the energy you are generating.
A state where you are not longer highly reactive, and can navigate challenges with more calm and detachment.
You can release trauma and gain self awareness, as well as greater insight into your situation.
It’s not a luxury, sometimes it’s a necessity.
When it comes to re-wiring your brain, there is magic in the 90 day journey.
I am a life coach and relationship coach.
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Candice Baker Life Coach 