Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: Sensuality

  • The Scarlet Woman

    Model Candice Storm, Tog Tanya Borchers

    THE SCARLET WOMAN

    You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.

    It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.

    But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not.
    Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body.
    For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all.
    It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better.
    It means she is looking to better herself.
    (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)

    There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.

    *She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity.
    Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.

    * She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.

    *Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.

    *Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.

    *Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.

    A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.

    A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one.
    Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.

    And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.

    There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new.
    And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship.
    Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that.
    Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.

    A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.

    There is no other way.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The Sin Of Celibacy

    THE SIN OF CELIBACY

    Talk of celibacy can bring up a lot of touchy emotions, unless the topic is about nuns.

    And here’s the thing about sex…the way we think about it is changing.
    First women were told it’s dirty, something to be endured in order to make children.(1920’s)
    Then women were told they might as well enjoy it, as they’re going to have to do it for the rest of their lives. (1940’s)
    Then there was the free love era of the 1970’s, which must’ve felt very empowering at the time.
    But now? Celibacy can be a choice too. Whether you are single or repairing damage within a marriage. Yet somehow it’s being treated like some sort of mortal sin. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    I spoke to a woman a while ago about her marriage. The suspicious texts and late nights at the office.
    The neglect she felt and the strings of affairs her husband had been having.
    And yet…mind-blowingly…she was still having sex with him. Offering her body up as a prayer, while disconnecting her heart from her womb.
    Allowing his betrayal to still enter her body in the most physical way, not just her heart and her mind. And it seemed impossible to me that women are expected to have sex with their partners within a marriage. No matter what.
    Now I know that the religious texts will come at this from the perspective that her body belongs to her husband. And his body belongs to his wife. And that he is expected to nurture and cherish her so she doesn’t need to worry about giving herself to him unconditionally. But is this ‘unconditional’ arrangement realistic in a world of scrolling and swiping right?

    Is this unconditional access not damaging to the feminine psyche when the conditions are less than ideal?

    Infidelity. Pregnancy. Illness. Post Partum. Grief. Conflict.

    Have women been brainwashed to seek value by making their bodies available to men? Husbands or otherwise? This thought hits pretty close to home for many. It starts with women being treated as ornaments, and ends with them being treated as concubines.
    Are women only valued as a spouse or partner if they are sexually compliant and accessible? What about everything else she brings to the relationship?

    For centuries a woman’s worth has been measured by her desirability. And men’s by how many cattle they own. But these old thought paradigms are losing relevance in a world where a woman can earn her own income and a man can be a stay at home dad.

    The feminine is now feeling burnt out due to overfuctioning— emotionally, sexually, energetically, and she is beginning to re-draw her boundaries. If she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, held…she might not feel pressurised to submit to the sexual demands of her partner anymore.

    And this is a good thing…She re-groups, shines up her energy field, focuses inward for a while. And emerges the enchantress, attracting her man to her when things are good between them. Instead of submitting begrudgingly. Using HER powers of seduction, allowing him to feel chosen. Worthy.
    And he knows that he can reach her through love and a new found appreciation, That he can entice her with his charm, love and emotional safety.
    Both receiving the best of each other. Her glow and desire a yardstick to measure his success by as a partner.

    I’m not talking about a knee jerk reaction. I’m talking about conscious celibacy, where she keeps her freedom and sovereignty, she knows her worth and won’t stand for rejection or cheap seduction. She will love you out of devotion instead of guilt. She will feel secure in his love for her without needing to perform, but only if he is willing to evolve.

    A woman calling back her creative energy is not a rejection. It’s an invitation. To rise together. To build something better. To co-create.

    How would she make love to you if she chose you freely, and felt centred in her own desire rather than coerced to submit to yours?

    Celibacy is calling for sacred union, emotional safety and devotion by both parties. A step back to a time where your partnership was based on something more than robotic intercourse. And men are starting to say no too, so this can work both ways.
    Celibacy can be an invitation for personal growth, a call to redirect both your energies, or it can be seen as a punishment.
    And that depends on the perspective you choose.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255


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  • Why The Sensual Arts Are Good For Women.

    WHY THE SENSUAL ARTS ARE GOOD FOR WOMEN

    Why do I teach pole, burlesque, the sensual arts?
    I don’t usually post pole dance on my life coaching page, but here is why;

    It makes you strong, oh yes.
    But more importantly it creates a sisterhood. A safe space of non-judgement amongst women, which can be truly rare.
    A space of non-judgement towards yourself, even more rare.

    That pole can be the most beautiful partner. One who is always there to dance with you. Holding you up, teaching you to appreciate your curves.
    Because pole dance or burlesque is not about men. We aren’t waiting for men to define beauty, we are defining it together, for ourselves.

    It’s about women reclaiming their bodies, realising their fat rolls or stretch marks are testament to a unique life in perpetual motion, and part of the whole woman. Still sexy. Still beautiful. The story behind a life well lived. The story behind grief, despair, triumph, reclamation. Sovereignty.

    You don’t have to be 20 and slim to love your body (but if you’re there I hope you do).
    You just need to let yourself feel the motion of your hips, lose yourself in the swing of the music, close your eyes and appreciate the jiggle. Say yes to yourself, to your body, to your sensuality.

    Dancing in ecstacy has no age limit, no waist size, It’s an invitation to let yourself go. To look inwards and feel your womb, feel your power, feel your vulnerability. Feel it all.
    .
    The shift you need isn’t about toning your body.
    It’s about learning how to express ecstasy and love in the body that you showed up in today. The body that carried your children or survived your last relationship disaster. Her. She.

    It’s about choosing you, seeing you, embracing the hot mess and finding beauty in the chaos of your imperfect perfection. It’s about embracing you.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Slut Shaming… Are We Still Doing This?

    SLUT SHAMING, ARE WE REALLY STILL DOING THIS?

    I have seen some vicious attacks on women lately on social media. Slut shaming is defined as the stigmatization of an individual based on her appearance, sexual availability, and actual or perceived sexual behavior. It can take place in physical or virtual spaces.

    One of the biggest problems with slut shaming, is that it is based on rumour or perception rather than fact.

    Another problem with slut shaming is gender bias – women or girls are villainized for their appearance or rumoured behaviour, while the same behaviours in men go unnoticed, or are even praised.

    Swimwear, streaking, even sexting has different consequences for males and females. The double standard sanctions sexting for girls, while it trivializes it for boys, and this sanction can take the form of slut shaming too. Skinny dipping is just boys being boys, or girls being sluts.

    Often, all a girl or woman has to do is be popular, or grow big boobs too soon, and she will attract this reputation from other women / girls who want to be her, and men who want to sleep with her. (Or men who have been rejected by her).

    Slut shaming has an impact on the physical and psychological well-being of young girls as early as adolescence.

    It’s a form of violence stemming from bullying (or cyber bullying.) The consequences of which have been documented in the scientific literature:
    Negative emotions;
    Depression
    Thoughts of suicide;
    Academic difficulties and drop-out;
    Relational issues;
    Alcohol, tobacco, or substance abuse;
    Polyvictimization.

    And it’s no different for adult women.
    And it’s more than bullying, as it focuses on 1 gender only.
    In fact, this type of abuse falls under gender based violence. A vicious attack on the female character and morals, often with no base other than attire or body type. Slut shaming helps to consolidate and perpetuate gender norms and stereotypes and is a form of sexual oppression that is often trivialized.

    Self-presentation that is considered overly sexualized is often enough to result in slut shaming without a multiplicity of sexual partners. Or sexual behaviors labelled as “deviant” with respect to the established norms or sexual orientation can lead to slut shaming as well. Just because she wears a harness to a dress up party does not mean she is into BDSM, but all these examples are likely to lead to slut shaming. But only for the female. For example, this image is an outfit I wore on stage for a fire performance at a fetish-styled event. It says absolutely nothing about my morals.

    So we’re back to the stigmatisation of women who stand out in their clothing, body type, or who have the sexual ideals of men. We’re back to threatening women with violence, albeit verbal, if they look or act in a way that seems sexual, even if this is not actually the case. We’re back to keeping women small, and using coercion to do so. We’re back to applying one set of rules for females and another for men, in our society where we are supposed to be equal. We’re back to policing women’s bodies, and labelling them as dirty. We’re back to victim- blaming. Back to blaming other women for inciting lustful behaviour in men.
    You’ve just set the woman’s rights movement back 200 years, babe. Nothing good can come of this.

    All forms of bullying and gender based violence are wrong, even the verbal type. They are damaging and divide women. They break women down where we should be uplifting them.
    Women are as free to dress or behave as they please as men are.
    And in this country it’s the law.

    So next time you find yourself judging a female based on how she is dressed or the shape of her body, take a look at your thought process. Because she is not the problem, you are.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.

    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • Does This Image Trigger You?

    DOES THIS IMAGE TRIGGER YOU?

    Ladies, my posts are for YOU. I spend a good amount of time deleting any unwanted male energy from my profile.
    So why the sexy images? If you are triggered by these, let me tell you my story.

    I was an awkward child, shy and without many friends. If my one and only friend skipped primary school, I would sit alone at break and read my book. I still love reading today, and it has made my journey as an author so much easier too

    When I got to high school, I decided a re-brand was in order. I forced myself to come out of my shell, I made as many friends as I could, and I learned how to speak to boys.
    And you know what happened? The boys liked me too much, and the girls became competitive, bitchy, insecure (let’s face it). Rumours, accusations, even threats of physical violence. Jeez I hated high school! Women are taught at a young age to hate on other women, to slut shame other women, simply because some dude thinks they are pretty or interesting.

    I started modelling at 16, mostly to improve my self esteem. My parents did not understand what I was trying to do, “fake it till you make it”, ya know what I mean? So they weren’t very supportive and there was a lot of criticism. My mother would continually tell me that beauty comes from inside. And she was right, of course, in her own way. At the end of the day we need to focus on our inner selves as well. Find a balance, and the path to self appreciation.

    But here’s the thing, I got the psychology degree, the 2 kids, the divorce because I didn’t play small. I got the life coaching diploma, the pole dancing studio, the yoga qualifications.
    As women we need to come back to wholeness. To self love. To balance.
    Integrating the yin and the yang. Pole dance and burlesque really helped me with self love and appreciation. The kind you can’t get from the outside. From your bored husband or your wandering boyfriend.
    Yes, beauty is on the inside, and learning self love is the greatest journey you will ever embark on.
    But woman have been taught to suppress their sensuality, their goddess energy. To bow under the judgement of others and douse their inner fire.

    Even as an adult, there is pressure to play it down. But being a safe woman does not mean being a small woman. Be out there, by all means, just don’t take someone else’s husband along for the ride!
    And ladies, we are here to support each other and Iift each other up. There should not be competition between strong, or wild women. This woman does not need your man. And let’s be real here for a second. You cannot steal a man who is not willing to be stolen, unless you brought your cable ties and duct tape.

    Women are not just maidens, mothers, whores, crones. We are ALL of these things. And to be a highly functioning woman, a fully integrated embodiment of the divine feminine, we need to embrace all of these aspects of ourselves. Honour our bodies and our needs in a relationship that sees us in all our aspects, or in our sovereign single state.

    So if my posts are provoking an uncomfortable reaction in you, perhaps we could chat about how to integrate these more sensual aspects into your psyche. How to embrace all that you can be, and stop playing small. You are not just somebody’s girlfriend, somebody mother. You are not a washed up ok crone. You are an enchantress, a goddess full of life and love. Do not apologise for your roar, lioness.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach. You can book a session on WhatsApp 0833613255