THE CRACKED MIRROR In my business I get to meet so many amazing women. Beautiful women. Vivacious women. Accomplished women. Compassionate women.
And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them. I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.
Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others. We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.
I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.
What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.
If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make? How would you make love if you felt beautiful? What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?
The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.
So just for today, start a journal. Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.
Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful” Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s change our mindsets. We are enough.
And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy. Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Menopause Mayhem- Volume 1 For every woman experiencing the train wreck that is menopause, there is the realisation that the information around it does not flow freely. Yes, we all know about rage and mood swings, but there is so much more. I’ve been doing some research, and I’ll be sharing it to raise awareness, because I understand how it can feel like you’re going crazy and don’t know why!
Today’s issue: Sensory Overload Did you know that menopause can cause sensory issues? This can lead to heightened sensitivity (sensory overload) or altered sensations like skin prickling, taste/smell changes, and balance problems, largely due to fluctuating estrogen affecting brain chemistry (serotonin, dopamine) and nerve pathways, impacting how you perceive the world. These shifts can make you more sensitive to lights, sounds, textures, and smells, impacting daily coping.
Here are some common Menopause-Related Sensory Issues: Heightened Sensitivity (Overload): Your partner has verbal diarrhoea while you’re trying to watch a movie and it’s taking every ounce of self control not to stab him with your dinner fork. Normal stimuli (lights, noises, crowds, textures) can feel overwhelming, triggering panic or needing to escape.
Altered Skin Sensations: Are your feet on fire, without doing the fire walk your guru says will change your life? You might be experiencing formication (insects crawling), burning, itching, numbness, or tingling (paresthesias).
Taste & Smell Changes: You used to love mincemeat and now you can’t even cook it without gagging like an adult film star. Fluctuations in estrogen can alter your sense of smell and taste, or cause a burning mouth sensation (burning mouth syndrome).
Balance & Coordination: You tried to catch the cat, went flying out of your bedroom door and impaled your boob on the garden gnome. Changes in the cerebellum, affected by hormones, can lead to dizziness, vertigo, clumsiness, and spatial disorientation.
Touch Sensitivity: Your forehead is flaking like an old paint job and you have to sit on your hands to stop clawing at your face. Skin can become drier and more sensitive, or conversely, responsiveness to touch (even intimate) might decrease.
Why It Happens: -Estrogen Decline: Estrogen influences neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, crucial for mood, cognition, and sensory processing. Lower levels disrupt these pathways, lowering your sensory threshold. -Nervous System Impact: Hormonal shifts affect nerve function, potentially increasing pain perception and disrupting sensory input.
If you have read this and some of these issues have resonated with you, there are some things you can do. Now that you know you’re not going crazy, give some thought to how you can adapt to this new and confusing version of you. Recognising these changes are hormonal, not you being “difficult,”is the first step. Try adjusting your environment (dim lights, quiet spaces) to feel more comfortable.
Seek support from a doctor or therapist, or life coach like me. A menopause coach perhaps, it’s important to speak with somebody who has knowledge of menopause and its symptoms. Women have been gaslit by the medical community for far too long. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help manage overwhelming feelings, and is such a great life skill to learn in general.
Start managing underlying factors like getting a hormone test and putting in place a plan to correct them holistically or with HRT. Address stress, sleep, and overall health, as these can worsen sensory issues. Once you’ve realised you’re not the problem and your hormones are betraying you, you can approach these challenges with more insight and patience, and make some key changes to suit this latest version of you. After all, sometimes a little rage is a valid and necessary thing. People pleasing is so last decade. Anyway, this is me signing off because my socks are driving me nuts…
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
WHEN THE TIDE TURNS: RISING AGAINST THE WAVES OF GENDER BASED VIOLENCE.
There has been a lot of sharing lately, with the Woman For Change protest making it onto the G20 agenda. Around the world, women are fighting for their lives. In South Africa this is especially true. There has been a rise in gender based violence and femicide in South Africa this past year, and WFC are campaigning to have this declared a national disaster.
Women have been encouraged to share their experiences of GBV, not for sympathy but to create awareness of what it means to be a woman who is more likely to be killed by her partner than by a complete stranger. A partner who probably considers himself to be a nice guy, and not a criminal…
Some men don’t understand how women are always looking over their shoulders as they walk to the shop. Always scanning the room for threats. How they profile each man they encounter before going on a date. Picking the safest restaurant, not disclosing their address, wired for fight or flight. It must be cool to be the apex predator, afraid of no one, except maybe another man. But some men do not wield that power to serve and protect. Some men use their power to take what is not theirs. Men you know at work. Men sitting at your dinner table.
I have had a few frightening experiences with men. I don’t believe I know any woman who hasn’t. Some of these things I have not thought about in years. But now we are being called to share.
For me, this is how it looked from a very young age. There were times where kissing nearly turned into unwanted, coercive s3x in high school, and times where I have felt immense pressure as an adult too. I consider myself lucky that my NO was accepted, if not all that gracefully.
I have had hands around my throat, only 16 years old, and being thrown to the ground. This was the price I paid because I requested a song from the DJ. I have been shoved in a night club for wanting to dance with my friends instead of some guy.
I have been threatened with violence by men who couldn’t bend me to their will. To burn my house down. To set me on fire. To report me (for my daughter’s weed trees) to the police. To have me thrown in jail as revenge for not capitulating. I have been shoved across the bed when he couldn’t climax. Been held hostage when I wanted to leave. There is this mindset amongst some men, that they are entitled to their way, no matter what the price to be paid.
So I share these experiences not for sympathy, but for awareness.
But by far the worst abuse I have received is emotional. For me, this seems to last much longer. But I guess that’s only because nobody ever followed through with the ‘Till-Death-Do-Us-Part’ experience. However, I have gained full access to the Post Traumatic Stress experience, which sat within my nervous system far longer than the threat of violence ever did.
Some words cannot be unheard. They are spells that haunt you even if you know in your heart they are not true. The body shaming. The put downs about my intellect, my business, my children, my dog. (I’m truly grateful she is deaf 🤣) Words piled on the fire to explode like shrapnel into soft flesh. Missiles fired at the ones you’re supposed to love. The mindset: maybe if I make her small enough she will love me again.
In truth, my experience of physical violence has created much fear in the moment, and faded in time. But I consider myself lucky that it has not been worse. And that in itself is pretty fucked up.
So before you knee jerk your way into looking like a complete narcisist, please don’t comment on this post about how #not-all-men are like this. Women already know this. But some men are like this, and this post is about my lived experiences with them. So if this post triggers you, ask yourself if you are really against women fighting to be safe in the streets, even safe in their homes? Is your ego so fragile that you would derail a movement like this to protect yourself because women are talking about GBV and you just happen to be a man? Are you standing with women, or upholding the ‘Bro Code’ no matter what? You do not have to be a feminist to understand that women do not want to be beaten, raped, threatened or murdered. If you cannot stand with women on this, are you at least not standing in their way?
And to all the women out there who are surviving rape, attempted murder or constant emotional assault, I encourage you to share your story, but above all be safe. Let’s create awareness, these are not isolated incidents and women are fighting for their lives out there.
There are songs beneath the waves, songs of gender based violence. Don’t let your voice be drowned out by the sounds of this rising storm. Rise above it, stand firm and take a sister by the hand. Together we rise.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Let’s talk about being single… Recently a man responded to one of my posts , saying ‘no wonder you are single’, meant as an insult and a judgement. But sometimes your relationship is just cortisol wrapped in cologne, honey.
Here are my thoughts:
There is this idea that a woman only has value of she has been chosen by a man. That a single woman is somehow defective. That the only way a woman can command respect or stature in society is by being somebody’s wife. That a woman needs the back-up of a man in order to be heard, or be successful. But these are outdated patriarchal ideas that have become part of the fabric of our collective unconscious. And they are not correct.
I do believe that we are wired to want connection. That human beings love the idea of being chosen. That we crave intimacy and physical touch, perhaps a over all else. We are social beings and biologically driven to search for sex. But sex is not intimacy. And when we start to discern this, we can re-imagine this biological blueprint.
In this era, in this country a woman can earn her own money, drive her own car, and buy her own home. So why are we still clinging to the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love a romantic relationship as much as the next person, but the truth is that many of us are clinging to liaisons way beyond their sell by date. Habit? Convenience? Perhaps. But also because we have come to believe that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single.
However, if you have ever been single for a period of time, you might have discovered that being single is a powerful and self-affirming choice. Being single is a state of unapologetic independence. It’s the choice of self reliance, of friendship over romantic love. And let’s face it, romantic love isn’t always so romantic. Being single is choosing peace over conflict. Choosing happiness over mediocrity or hurt. It’s being happy with your own company, comfortable in your own space. To travel solo and meet new people outside of your comfort zone. Being single is choosing freedom, embracing our wildness and being open to new possibilities. Being single is a conscious choice to wait for the right time or right person. To not settle, or stay stuck.
Most importantly, being single is choosing yourself, and this is not selfish. Calling back your energy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. By doing this you are investing in yourself. Making time for your own projects and passions instead of investing in somebody else’s.
Some of the most productive times in my life have been when I was single. Even when I chose to sit with my unhappiness… writing, journeying, contemplating. Choosing to sit with my trauma until I understood it and could set it free, without the band aid of throwing myself into another relationship..Trying to fix or help a partner rather than myself. This is where personal growth begins. This is the most important journey of your life time, the journey into self.
I am not single but I am very happy when I am. This image is of me being single at Feel Festival in 2019, feeling ALL of the feels. ❤️
If you struggle with being single, or are needing to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, let’s talk. Book a life coaching session with me online or in perso .
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
We called it drumming, healing, celebrating and creating ❤️
Drumming has many medicinal qualities, just not for the neighbours, apparently 🤣
It releases dopamine, one of the happy hormones in your body. It’s a better anti-depressant than anything you can buy over the counter. It synchronises heartbeats and minds, creates a sense of community. The drumming and dance is a creative process and good for the soul. It releases endorphins, another happy hormone. Creating music and dance stimulates the body and mind. Earthing with your feet absorbs the energies of the Earth and has many health benefits. And finally, both drumming and dance can lead to ecstatic states that transcend the human condition ❤️
It’s what your neighbours used to do before they became couch potatoes. It’s what your tribe did before the warehouses and factories sucked them into the industrial revolution. It’s a reclamation of our ancestral roots.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
I don’t often do personal posts, but here we are! What’s your love language? Have you ever felt that the things you do for your partner are unappreciated? No matter how much effort you put into them? That’s because we all wish to be loved in different ways! But it goes deeper than that, we simply don’t recognise certain things as acts of love, because of how we are wired.
For example, my love language is ‘quality time’, I don’t like it if you whip out your phone at dinner. Undivided attention from my partner has the biggest impact for me and makes me feel loved. Whereas acts or service have a lesser impact on my heart, as much as I do appreciate you mowing the lawn.
That’s not to say we don’t appreciate all the love languages on some level, but cooking a 4 hour meal might not translate to love for everyone.
Have you ever thought about how you WANT to be loved?
How you NEED to be loved.
How you FEEL loved.
Have you ever spoken with your partner about this, and found out what love language makes them feel the most loved?
What that looks like for both of you? Why you need that? What it feels like for each of you?
I discovered that my partner feels the most loved, when I compliment him.
Like telling him he is the best boyfriend in the world, saying ‘hey handsome’ when I see him, and expressing to him my appreciation for what he is good at.
I learned that his love language is words of affirmation.
He doesn’t really feel loved if I spend 4 hours in the kitchen, even though we both appreciate good food. He wants to be seen.
My partner has learned that I view love as quality time. I feel the most loved when we spend time together. Good times, interesting conversation, sexy time.
For example, when we go out to dinner and his attentions are solely on me. Or when he puts on a mer tail and swims with me.
Knowing each other’s love languages will help you to love each other in ways that you both feel loved and appreciated.
Because loving someone the way you want to be loved, doesn’t always work.
My partner and I view, and feel love so differently. But you know what? This is normal for couples, and you can spend the rest of your life learning how to love each other better.
If you want more information on Love Languages and how to improve your relationship, book a coaching session with me. I’m available online or in Bedfordview and Benoni.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
So we made it through the witch trials, women of power and healing burned at the stake. Naturopaths, herbalists, midwives, all a threat to the patriarchy and all sentenced to death. Women collaborating against women, pointing fingers away from themselves in fear. Too much water in the well, must be a witch. Not enough crop growth, must be a witch. The theme of too little or too much playing out through the centuries. Wise women persecuted by men, wild women persecuted by women. The only path to safety embodied in the mundane. Women learned that there is shelter in mediocrity.
But has it really changed? Or are the underlying thought patterns of control and fear still there? Women are still being policed, their wings still clipped, their power still stolen from them. And it starts at school. If you were around in the eighties, you would remember the school panty inspection. Oh yes, the panty police was a thing. We had to lift up our skirts to check whether we were wearing the regulation school brookie. Apart from the gross privacy violation, there was this idea that boys could not control themselves, so the girls had to be strictly controlled instead.And this idea persists today.
Not much has changed in this new century. Enter the year 2015 and girls get picked out in front of the whole class for wearing black bras. Aside from the fact that black actually shows through less than white, she must be some kind of scarlet woman to be wearing such a colour under her clothing. And to discuss the colour of her underwear in front of an entire class of boys, to embarass her and violate her rights in such a public way is inexcusable. Women victimizing girls.
Women’s bodies have always fallen under the control of others. Owned by the patriarchy and not themselves. Wrinkled old men deciding on women’s rights to this day in first world countries. Persecution by the gusset Gestapo should your stocking be showing. Women not allowed into temples. Women banned from holy places when they are bleeding and considered unclean. It seems even periods are policed. The vilification of the yoni has continued through the centuries, because to acknowledge the opposite would be to acknowledge the power of women.
As a dance instructor I have recieved so many comments about outfits that show too much, yet every private part is covered. Do a split in a tutu and you are a graceful and gifted ballerina. Do a split on the pole in hot pants and everybody loses their minds. Asking a dancer to cover up is like asking Chad le Clos to swim in baggies, it cannot be done. It shouldn’t be done. It restricts movement in impossible ways, and ruins the aeathetic. Oh how society loves to brand a woman in scarlet, for nothing more than what could be implied in their minds. Because it was what was in your mind that was inciting lust, while everyone else was appreciating her beautiful long legged splits.
Perform in a magnificent set of fire wings, with fire fans, in an outfit layered white hotpants, white miniskirt, long white lace skirt surrounded by 20 flames. A stunt requiring courage, experience and risk management. But there is always one who will be horrified that the dancers were showing their vaginas to the crowd. The one with the x-ray vision, who could see their lady parts through 3 layers of clothing, in the dark. My what a rich and vivid imagination she must have. A vision so sharp that she could not see the fire, not appreciate the show, not zoom out or away from that place between their thighs. I suspect another 3 layers would have made little difference to such a piercing and judgemental gaze.
So there the dancer is, performing magnificent stunts with her body requiring years of blood /sweat/tears, all her efforts reduced to flashing her imagined genitalia. A total denigration of talent into filth by a tormented psyche. Are your glasses tinted by roses or filth? A vagina lurking under every rock ready to pounce. A fear, bred into women over the centuries. A threat wielded by the patriarchy to keep the feminine form covered.
2000 years later and the woman will still be burned at the stake. Acid thrown on her face for rejecting a male suitor. Forced to marry her rapist to restore her honour. Child brides for paedophiles.
Surely we have more important things to worry about than the implied shape of a woman’s body? Surely in this era women deserve the same freedom as their male counterparts? We may joke about a Speedo, or a mankind, but is it vilified? Nope. Whilst the shadow of a yoni or a breast is shamed in public but praised in private. Bought, sold, stolen. But never to be given for free without shame.
Perhaps our focus should be on creating a safe space for freedom. Freedom of expression. Freedom of choice. Freedom from policing the bodies of women.
Women reclaiming their power, their creative force, the sacredness of their inner temple. Their yoni, the spark of life, the sacred feminine within. Women supporting women and men creating safety. Remembering the goddess within, holding ourselves in high regard, and not shrinking into shame. Because our bodies are not shameful, they are worthy of respect and admiration.
No, the yoni is not the divine feminine, the goddess is, and she lives within each of us. Within our yoni, within our womb, within our hearts, our minds, our souls. And she demands respect.
Let’s bleed out the poison and grow a community of respect and sovereignty, not fear, together.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
NEVER SHOW A MAN YOUR BOOBS & YOUR BRAIN AT THE SAME TIME!
Unless you want him to bust out in a sweat, springs and cogs bursting out of his ears, that is! Society has created a lot of broken toys. But this isn’t just about men. I have a lot of experience in this area, life-long experience, and it’s been showing up a lot in the reactions I get to my writing. It’s called cognitive dissonance, and it makes people feel quite uncomfortable. Let me explain: Cognitive dissonance is when you expect to feel one way about something, but find yourself feeling something different. This is partly because we use stereotypes to take mental shortcuts, it’s easier than assessing each person or situation from scratch.
So when you meet a pretty blonde, you might be really amazed that she loves to mountain climb (if you bothered to ask). Or when you meet a tattooed biker, it might confuse you that he loves to cook. Models? Naturally stupid of course! But here’s the thing, that woman on your Facebook in her tiny bikini on the pole might actually be a doctor, just enjoying the freedom and body positivity of pole fitness. (While your mind went straight to stripper)
So when we meet people we tend to put them in a box, especially women. We make a lot of assumptions based on their clothing, their face, their body or how they show up in our social media feed. And we expect them to behave according to the labels we assigned to them.
But here’s the thing…Just because she is in touch with her body or her sensuality, does not mean she is issuing invitations. And this is where the confusion, or cognitive dissonance can get ugly. The slut won’t chat to you in her DMs, so you send her a rude message after your first sleazy attempts fail. (Hey, WUD?….Hey, nice pussy…. Honey I think I love you…FU bitch, nobody wants you anyway). Except maybe she isn’t what you perceived her to be, and you’re the problem? I have lived some of these. Hell, I have put out an ad for yoga instructor training and gotten a dick pic in reply to the advert, even where there was no sexy photo!
So why does this keep happening? You get 3 types of people, in my experience.
Those who embrace the surprising truth. They think it’s cool that you can have a degree and be a model.
Those who will ignore anything that doesn’t fit their framework. (The one they put you in without letting you know about it.) These people will scroll past faster than you can spin the wheel of fortune.
And then lastly you get those who will have a reaction. They might get curious, and pick up the phone or send you a message wanting to know more about what you do. And when this happens everybody learns something. You learn how you are perceived by others, they will need to get that lecture off their chest. And then if you’re not too offended to carry on with the conversation they will learn how their judgements were out of place.*
*But then there’s the other side of that coin, the knee jerk reaction. Sometimes it seems like nothing enrages a man more than a sexy photo paired with a well written article about relationships or women’s wellness. Or a woman who loves that you are a mermaid but is completely shocked when you grow legs and climb a pole (I didn’t sign up for this. I’m unfollowing you.) The cognitive dissonance can be immense and extremely upsetting for some people. Men, particularly the ones who ‘know’ what roles a woman should play in society, will start to lash out if you don’t conform to certain roles. Madonna, maiden, mother, whore, crone…you know the stereotypes I’m speaking of. To step out of these boundaries placed on women by the patriarchy can be anathema to these guys. The burlesque dancer with a PhD. The model with the import business. The pretty blonde with her own mansion on the hill. Self-made women, outspoken women, independent women who somehow are expected to look and act like men because of their many talents and skills. Or quite simply the older woman who is still sexy and vibrant instead of knowing her place as expired milk, because ageing is a sin on social media. (I have received this particular insult, somebody didn’t get enough breast feeding I suspect).
We all know we cannot please everyone, and some of us will still try. But ladies, you are more than your boob job! Your body does not define you. Neither does your face, it’s merely a trick of nature. So wear the outfit, even if it does raise eyebrows. Dye your hair, take the course, book the solo plane ticket. Because only you get to decide how you are going to live your life. Don’t try to live it for other people, most are unsatisfiable. Express yourself and be authentically you, because the world needs to hear your message. And other women need to see women living their lives unapologetically and free. Become the wild woman that you were intended to be, and your tribe will find you.
This is your solemn duty to the evolution of womankind. And as for your dude, find one who supports this personal growth, not one who keeps you in that damn box. Find friends who cheer for you, support you and show up for you. There is a reason that woman’s gatherings have been banned throughout the centuries, and it is this. These women will be your tribe, and together you will rise.
I am a traditional doctor, life coach & wellness coach. You can book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255
Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause. CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash. So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way. Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships. What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too. With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely. It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.
With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty. When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode. Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night. Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image. You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.
In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.
So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.
Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.
And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.
So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation. You deserve more. You are worthy. You are enough.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 