Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: Red flags

  • What Really Blows Your Hair Back?

    SO WHAT REALLY BLOWS YOUR HAIR BACK?

    What type of love are you looking for?
    The convenient type, where you need somebody to rebound on? The let’s-keep-it-casual-use-and-abuse kinda hookup?
    Or the mind blowing soul shaking head over heels ride of your life?

    Many people have asked me how to bag their guy or gal, and my answer is generally to be the most authentic version of you (otherwise you’ll run into problems when your halo slips, dear).
    The other thing is this: Focus on attracting your mate and not chasing them. Performance, sure, but being-your-authentic-self kinda performance. Play to your strengths, don’t just make shit up to impress. In fact, don’t upload your best pics onto Hinge, let’s keep it real so the dude actually recognises you when you meet for coffee!

    And then be honest with yourself before you start chasing somebody who is not asking you out, ladies.
    If he’s not asking you out, he’s not that into you. Sure you can ask him out, but if there is stalling, or ghosting after your big date, it’s time to move along, missy.

    If he’s not calling you, he is sending you a message all the same. He is not that into you. Or he’s a game player and you’ll never be sure where you stand with him. And that doesn’t sound like that soul shaking love that you are craving, now does it? More like a power play with Pina Colada flavoured condoms.

    So you got your hair did, fixed your lashes and skipped buying a new dress because your budget just went up in flames. You showed up to that date a thousand bucks poorer, and he asked you to split the bill? Let me tell you a secret, sweetheart… If he’s not romancing you, he’s not that into you. Why are you going all out to impress when he can’t even stick you for a Wimpy burger?

    Or maybe you’ve been dating a while and he’s not having sex with you like he used to? Well maybe his interest is lying elsewhere. Or perhaps he is so secure in his relationship with you that he decided he didn’t need to make an effort in the bedroom anymore? Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me! If intimacy isn’t replacing the romance, he’s got one foot out the door honey.

    And if he’s cheating, well read the above paragraph again, sis. Does he really think he has enough energy, or charm, to keep two women happy? Or is it only his own happiness that he is concerned about? Because let’s face it, you can skip from one honeymoon phase to the next, or juggle three at a time (no wonder he needs you to split the bill), or you can stay when things get tough and apply that same effort to your current relationship. And don’t get me started on the dishonesty, how do you build a strong foundation on lies?

    If you’re his drunken booty call, friends with benefits is probably all its ever gonna be, babe. If you’re starting off in friendship jail, chances are very slim that you’re in for an upgrade. So unless you’re down with being a placeholder, lose his number!

    So he’s not into marriage … Is that because he is a modern man who can still provide safety and security for the woman he loves, without the constraints of religion? Or is it because he’s an emotionally bankrupt manchild who needs you around for his dopamine hit and a speedy exit? But not for co-creating a life together? Hmm… Not so mysterious and lone wolf now, is he?

    If he breaks up (and then makes up) with you for the slightest issue, he’s not that into you hun. He is manipulating you to get his way, or just using you as a convenience. So if you’re wanting true love, one that can weather the storms and catch you when you fall, this ain’t it.

    So you had a perfect night out and an even better shag.. but now he seems to have lost your number? Disappearing on you is all the answer you need, queen. He no longer values you. It’s a tough one, but chasing after him will only make him drop his opinion of you further. It’s one of those double standards that women will experience in the dating game, and it’s totally rude and unfair. But no less true, so adjust your crown and book your yoni steam, because that one was a slave to the patriarchy.

    Or if he’s married or unavailable – he’s definitely not that into you in any meaningful way. Also, he’s not that into HER either. But plenty into himself, so perhaps it’s time to raise your standards and find someone who only has eyes for you. You are worth so much more than this, so call back your energy and invest it in your own happiness.

    And that brings me to the selfish jerk, you know, that guy who only has time for himself and only does what pleases him? Doesn’t sound like a future to me? Or perhaps a very lonely and unfilled one. With no quality time now and no common ground to share later.

    Or how about the one who becomes a bully when he doesn’t get his way… Please remember your wants and needs are important too. And if he is bullying you for sex, your sacred NO is more important than anything else. You don’t need to stand for bad behaviour or coersion. Stand in your power and don’t let the door hit him on the way out.

    And that brings me to the really big freak! Let’s face it, people get bored, and sometimes plain wierd when they get older, especially without a partner to keep them accountable. If he’s asking to share you with someone else, he’s not that into you. And if he’s trying to twist your arm to do some wierd sexual shit…just run, hun. You never have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. So if toe sucking isn’t your thing, send him off to fetish.com and be done with him. (Yes, it’s a real dating site, no I don’t have a problem with it.) Not everyone is compatible where it counts the most. So that’s a great way to find your kinky match without making your vanilla partner squirm in her boots, dude. Because that kind of pressure is just not cool.

    So if it’s lip trembling, knee shaking, soul affirming love you’re after, take a good look at what you’re putting out there. Attract your mate to the qualities you naturally possess and cut out the fake. And then keep your standards high, know your worth and don’t accept anything less.

    I am a Holistic Life Coach, Relationship Coach and Wellness Coach based in Joburg, SA. I specialise in working with women, empowering them to reach their wildest potential. Whether it’s insight into your love life or a personal wellness goal you need to reach, I’m there for you every step of the way. And if your a guy, you’re welcome too 😊

    WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Paradise Lost

    Model: Mermaid Storm

    PARADISE LOST

    Have you ever noticed how so many of us end up trying to change the ones we love? They were just fine in the beginning, but then we started to notice that who they were didn’t line up with our expectation of who we thought they were? Or those red flags that we told ourselves were minor are suddenly blazing across the sky like Haley’s Comet?

    This is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who this person was before you fell in love with them.
    You skipped over the understanding of what this person was actually offering you, blinded by a cocktail of charm and oxytocin. You dived in so quickly, ripping your clothes off faster than your inner child at an Easter egg hunt. In fact, ahem, you shoved it in your mouth so fast you didn’t even check what was inside that shiny wrapper!
    It takes time to peel back that pretty packaging, and if you didn’t wait long enough to see what was really inside, you might have ended up with a flavour not to your liking. You leaped before you looked, and when this happens, love can turn into attachment to an idea, rather than reality.
    Like when Harry Potter’s Every Flavoured Beans ended up tasting like ear wax or toad warts instead of cream pie? We’ve all been there.

    Prince charming hooted at the gate, or asked you to split the bill, or did another kind of split after breakfast in bed. And while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you’re wondering how the eggs got scrambled.

    The thing is, when you don’t really know who someone is, you start filling in the blanks with hope, potential, or who your starry eyes wish them to be. You imbue them with every magical quality your heart ever imagined, and then feel let down when your unsuspecting lover didn’t get the memo!

    You’re already building a future with a version of somebody who doesn’t actually exist, and wondering why they aren’t on the same page.
    Or worse, they already showed a little of who they are and you turned a blind eye. Sure it was a disarming, white washed version of themselves, and you decided you could change them with a few subtle tweaks. If you just loved them enough, or guided them enough, or inspired them enough with your pretty picture of the future. The one you already painted and framed over the mantelpiece.

    Yes, as women we are programmed to nurture, but it is not your role to mother a grown-ass man. And if you cast yourself into the parental role, he will respond as the child. He will rebel or become argumentative, and you will be stuck holding the stick or the carrot. Suddenly finding yourself counting his drinks or nagging him to eat dinner. Reminding him to brush his teeth or to take out the trash. Offering rewards for good behaviour or accepting bribes for bad. And this is not conscious love, this is you carrying the full weight of responsibility for both of you.
    This is you burning out while he turns loving him into a f*cking chore.

    And yet, you chose this, perhaps not consciously, but by default when you dived into the deep end to catch somebody you barely knew. You chose a man who was unworthy, was unwilling to rise, and fell head over heels before you realised.

    Maybe he wasn’t ready, or hadn’t figured it out yet. Or maybe you get validation from uplifting others. But before you try to heal a love match, make sure they are ready to live without the poison. Because a partner is not supposed to be a project, and you are not supposed to be a rehabilitation centre for f*ckwits or f*ckboys.

    Because let’s face it, if he wanted to change, he would have done so already.
    You could spend years investing in something that was broken from the very beginning, or you could take some time to find somebody willing to grow with you. To co-create with you. To build a future with you.

    So this is me calling myself out on my own bullshit, and calling you out on yours too.
    The choice is yours, so choose wisely.

    I am a life coach & wellness coach. You ban book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255