WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH?
Sure, every relationship has its challenges. This can become more highlighted over the holidays, with spending too much time together, or feeling disappointed by a lack of attentiveness over the festive season. But when is enough, enough?
When does trivial irritation become toxic? There can be a lot of victim blaming at the end of the line, and perhaps both partners become the victim in some way. Some relationships fizzle out peacefully, while others become toxic and explosive.
And how do we react to these stressors? The truth is that when a relationship becomes toxic or abusive, your body is programmed to protect itself. If you are under verbal or physical attack, you are eventually going to respond, no matter how you may try to stay calm.
This is because every nervous system has its limits, and once reached something has to give. Whether it’s fight, flight or freeze will depend on your wiring, your trauma and your situation.
These are automatic, instinctive stress responses that prepare your body to survive a perceived threat, involving physical reactions like increased heart rate (fight/flight) or going still/numb (freeze) as your nervous system mobilizes for action or shutdown. It’s often seen in anxiety or trauma but was once useful in genuine danger. (And still can be).
More recently another response has been added: Fawning.
Let me break these down, you’re bound to recognise one in yourself.
Fight: Preparing to confront the threat, potentially through aggression, arguing, or physical struggle.
Flight: Instinct to escape or run from the danger by putting distance between yourself and the threat.
Freeze: Feeling stuck, numb, or unable to move or speak, your body goes rigid, which can help you hide or assess the danger.
Fawn: Trying to appease or please the threat to avoid conflict, often seen in trauma.
When you feel under attack, a number of factors come in to play physiologically.
-Your amygdala becomes triggered in your brain.
-Your heart rate and breathing speed up to deliver oxygen for your body to perform at is best.
-Your muscles tense and prepare for action.
-Your pupils dilate, hearing sharpens, and peripheral vision increases to assist you.
-Your blood is redirected to major muscles, making your hands/feet cold and even clammy, and your clotting factors increase.
Your body is an incredibly smart survival machine, and this all happens automatically. Although you are unlikely to be chased by a bear these days, it will still be triggered by genuine danger or by non-threatening situations if you have experienced trauma or have anxiety disorders.
So an argument with your partner can lead to over stimulation and overactivity of the amygdala (that primitive part of your brain that is trying to keep you safe), and set all these physiological responses in motion.
Perhaps you are being victimised at work?
You are unlikely to punch your boss in the face, or run out of the boardroom. You are most likely to freeze or fawn. But over time, if the victimisation continues you will probably walk out, or hand in your notice quietly and never go back.
Perhaps you are in a toxic romantic relationship?
You might become emotionally distant over time, to guard yourself from the pain being inflicted. Disappear from their DMs, ghost their calls. Or try to outrun the situation by driving somewhere or locking yourself in a bathroom when a conflict escalates in your physical space. (And earn the label of ‘avoidant’, which can also be a form of victim-blaming, but is also a form of self-protection).
In a family or work or romantic relationship flight is not always an immediate possibility. This could be due to financial reasons or because you are physically being prevented from walking out. And that is when you might freeze, fawn or eventually, fight.
This is a survival response that is hardwired into your nervous system. It’s intended to protect you from physical harm, but it kicks in for psychological harm too as your blood pumps full of adrenalin. And before you know it, you find yourself cornered and start lashing out like a wild animal. This is called reactive abuse and you are probably going to feel awful about it the next day.
And although you can’t help it, this is a very damaging response, and you need to know that it’s not your fault. You are not a monster, and you are not the abuser. You are only human, and your nervous system is trying to survive under intense emotional or physical threat.
If your situationship remains unchanged, over time you might begin to develop CPTSD. This happens if the abuse is ongoing and you cannot get away.
Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition resulting from prolonged or repeated trauma, like chronic abuse or neglect. Verbal and emotional abuse fill this category too.
The problem with reactive abuse is that it’s very dangerous territory. It shifts you temporarily from victim mode into self-defence, and for a moment your partner will see YOU as the abuser. You might scratch, pull hair, lash out or shove this person in panic or an attempt to make them stop, or to get away from them.
If you are fortunate, a surprise show of strength might result in your partner backing down, this time. But over time, or perhaps immediately your partner will become more enraged, placing you at a greater risk.
If your reaction produces an even more extreme reaction in your partner, it will escalate the situation. And they might even use it against you, threaten to video your reaction, or shame you and justify their own behaviour. Perhaps even blackmail you to keep you under their control.
What is important in these types of relationships is to have an exit plan and start implementing it.
Tell somebody.
Speak to somebody about an emergency place to sleep for future incidents.
File a report.
Get a restraining order.
Get a job.
Start saving.
In the meantime, there are some other things that you can do to regulate your own nervous system.
Start by understanding your pattern (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), this is the key to managing it. Recognise what is triggering you and take steps to avoid it where possible. Give some thought to how you can circumvent or de-escalate the situation from your side by recognising your partner’s triggers. Now, I’m not suggesting you walk on eggshells forever, just until you can make a nice toward safety or work out a better way to respond.
Start practicing techniques that can carry you through this situation while you are working on your exit plan. Try mindfulness, grounding techniques, exercise, therapy, and self-care can help calm an overactive stress response. Positive visualisation and body talk.
Ask for help and start taking positive steps to change your situation.
You deserve a peaceful relationship or environment in which to grow and thrive.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
T/DR Candice Baker
00013133614
You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
+0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
Candice Baker Life Coach 