WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
You know what’s really sexy? A man who is in touch with his emotions.
One who can talk about them and hold space for yours.
A man who can listen to your feedback without feeling criticised.
A man who can listen and respond without lashing out.
This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a high value trophy.
Do you want to know 3 little words that will make her nervous system relax when she comes to you with a problem? 3 words that will turn her into a lamb instead of a snarling She Wolf?
“Babe, I hear you”.
Or when she asks you for a change?
“Babe, I got this”.
So how do achieve this state in the middle of world war 3 playing out in your kitchen?
Firstly, JUST… STOP… TALKING.
Try to listen.
Even better, do this before she starts losing her mind and shrieking at you. Because let’s face it, she probably didn’t start out shouting at the top of her lungs.
She came to you with an issue and you deflected it, gasliighted her, got defensive or escalated her tone. You reacted to her reaction to YOUR behaviour. Because no matter what you said or did, she isn’t allowed to show irritation?
Dude, this war zone could have been prevented with a few emotionally intelligent skills, but here we are. (Again).
So now you’ve skipped the mediation phase and went straight to DEFCON 1.
You need crisis management.
You need to stop what you are doing and put away the big guns. There are no sticks and stones here, only words. (Why is it that most men will rather fight a lion than deal with emotions?)
This might go against your every instinct, but do not react, or lash out. Do not respond, don’t even fucking blink. Just shut it and listen. It’s not that hard, you got this big boy!
Then, when she has had her say, tell her that you heard her. Say it.
“Ok, I hear you”.
If she does not die of shock on the spot, she will exhale.
Both of you need to breathe, big slow exhales. Take a few deep breaths. You’ll both need a moment to calm down.
Now is your time to respond. Not yet with solutions. With confirmation.
‘It sounds like you are upset because…’
‘I can hear that … is really bothering you’
‘Im sorry that … upset you’
Show her that you understand what she has expressed to you. Gain clarity, mirror her words.
And if it’s you that is the problem, you’re the lucky bastard who can actually solve this. So that’s a good thing.
“Babe, I’m going to do better”.
“Honey, I’m so sorry”.
“Sweetheart, I got this”.
No whining, no “I’m trying”, no tantrums.
Speak in absolutes,
Take responsibility for your crap, and assure her you have understood the problem. That you have it under control.
And then most importantly, DO THE THING. There is no room for your good intentions here. Everyone has good intentions. Even psychopaths might start the day without plotting to eat your brains with a nice Chianti.
There is room for action and problem solving here, and this is where your strength lies. So be reliable, keep your word. Stick to your promises. Formulate an action plan to avoid future pit falls. You’re an intelligent guy, so stop falling into the same trap.
Get that right, and her nervous system stops the steeple chase and begins to relax. She will stop running away from you, she will stop attacking you. She will begin to feel safe. Fight or flight mode disengaged.
Words and emotions are not your enemy. Avoidance is.
Don’t sweep things under the rug, and avoid difficult conversations. Don’t lash out and react with anger everytime she wants to discuss something with you.
Take a deep breath and hear her out.
Check in with each other regularly. Are we reaching our goals, are we doing better at XYZ?
Accept feedback.
This is how a conscious relationship grows, and you avoid making the same mistakes. .
This is how you move forward instead of losing your way and walking in circles. Avoid the downward spiral and inevitable decline.
It’s time to pack away your safari suit and step out of the jungle.
This is your relationship, not a fucking bear hunt.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 