Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: mental-health

  • Are You The Prize Or The Prey?

    Image by Tanya Borchers, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU THE PRIZE OR THE PREY?

    A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.

    We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.

    Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?

    In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery.
    So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.

    Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner?
    Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.

    The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.

    You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.

    Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)

    The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play.
    This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation).
    You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).

    The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.

    In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.

    Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.

    And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.

    And if you’re the the prey?
    You’re the one who is emotionally vulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions.
    You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession?
    And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.

    It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe.
    Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse.
    Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.

    And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.”
    And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself.
    This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma.
    A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart.
    So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.

    Whatsapp 0833613255

  • Toxic Love & Losing Yourself

    TOXIC LOVE & LOSING YOURSELF

    If you do not recognise yourself in your relationship, it could be that your behaviour is in response to the actions of your partner, and not actually who you are in your natural state.

    My point is that a woman’s behaviour is often a reflection of the energy she’s receiving from her man. (And vice versa).

    Does every woman have their own growing to do with or without a man? Yes, of course.

    Even so, a relationship can turn a woman into someone she’s not. It can even provoke reactive abuse, which might not be your usual style of interaction.

    Even when a woman has done her growth and inner work, she could still become very dysfunctional if she’s with the wrong man.

    Because of this, before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety or declare yourself unfit for love, check the type of men you’ve been dealing with.

    What role have they been casting you into? What role have you been casting yourself into?

    Always confirm if your behaviour is truly coming from who you are, or if it’s just a response to being placed into an uncomfortable role.
    You are meant to be partners, so if you find yourself in the role of mother, or rescuer, or alpha, or child, it might be a coping mechanism to navigate your relationship.

    If you’re feeling jealous, overworked, avoidant, angry or unsettled, take a look at what is triggering you. We all behave in ways that are not in our nature sometimes, and the trick is to discover how to reset.

    Sometimes, people bring out the worst in each other, no matter how much love there is. But it is still our own responsibility how we respond. So do some soul searching, feel your feels and make decisions that are right for you. Decisions that bring you closer to your authentic self.

    Get in touch to book a relationship coaching session or life coaching session with me.

    WhatsApp 0833613255
    Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach

  • When Menopause Hijacked My Body

    WHEN MENOPAUSE HIJACKED MY BODY

    Menopause. We’ve heard about it, whispered conversations amongst women of a certain age, secret conversations between friends. It’s the thing no woman talks openly about, because she doesn’t want to feel old or admit her age.

    Or perhaps she is dreading the middle aged spread, in denial about the rage, and blaming the world for her mood swings. (Yes, it’s still your fault, but she may have overreacted a tad). And when it hits, it takes no prisoners. Your partner will fear you, your kids will think mom’s gone off the reservation and your GP wont know what to do with you.

    So here’s what I have worked out along the way. It can be a good thing, giving less fucks and speaking your mind more. Creating better boundaries and stepping out of your mother role and into a new journey as a wild woman. Wise, independent, free.

    But the downside is real too, menopause is associated with increased inflammation in the body, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “inflammopause”.
    This is primarily due to declining estrogen and progesterone levels, which have anti-inflammatory effects. The shift towards a pro-inflammatory state can contribute to various menopausal symptoms and increase the risk of certain health conditions.

    As a result you may experience:

    1. Hormonal Changes:
      Estrogen and progesterone, which decline during menopause, have anti-inflammatory properties.
      Their reduction leads to an imbalance in cytokines, shifting the body towards a more inflammatory state.
    2. Inflammation and Menopause Symptoms:
      -Joint pain:
      Reduced estrogen can affect joint health, leading to pain, stiffness, and increased risk ofosteoarthritis.
      -Fatigue:
      Increased inflammation can contribute to lower energy levels.
      -Weight gain:
      Menopause can lead to weight gain, which can further exacerbate inflammation.
      -Mood changes and depression:
      Inflammation has been linked to mood changes and an increased risk of depression.
    3. Increased Risk of Chronic Diseases:

    I can help you with managing Inflammation During Menopause:
    -Diet:
    Eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and omega-3 fatty acids can help reduce inflammation.
    -Exercise:
    Regular physical activity can help lower inflammation and manage weight gain.
    -Stress management:
    Stress-reducing activities like yoga, meditation and spending time in nature can help lower inflammation.
    -Prioritize sleep:
    Poor sleep can increase inflammation, so establishing a regular sleep routine is important.

    *I offer yoga and aerial classes in Benoni and Bedfordview 💓

    *I offer meditation

    *I can help with anti-inflammatory diet tips

    *I have designed a beautiful range of holistic supplements to support you on your menopause journey.


    I am a wellness coach, and have spent the last 3 years figuring out menopause and it’s effects on the body.
    Send me a message to arrange a wellness consultation with me.
    I can help.
    WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Why Attachment Styles Are Wrecking Your Relationship.

    WHY ATTACHMENT STYLES ARE WRECKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    Have you ever noticed how resolving a conflict can get so complicated when you and your partner have different styles? He just doesn’t get you, hear you, or respond to what you’re saying in the way that you need him too? He wants to fix it right now, while you need time to calm down? Or he feels attacked when all you wanted was for him to hear your heart?


    There are four main attachment styles, and they affect the way you show up in your relationship .
    *Secure
    *Anxious (or preoccupied)
    *Avoidant (or dismissive)
    *Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant).
    These styles, developed in childhood, influence how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives.

    So when you’re getting into an argument with your partner, friend, or co-worker, it’s often your inner child coming out to play. And let’s face it, the tactics you employed in the sandpit, aged 5, are probably not going to work that well in the bedroom aged 50.

    Here’s a brief overview of each style:
    Secure Attachment:
    Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to form healthy, trusting relationships. For example, they know they want somebody to cuddle up to at night, but they’re also totally fine being on their own. Their self worth isn’t dependant on how another person treats them, and they relate well to others, even during conflict. You batting your eyelashes at the neighbour is unlikely to spark their jealousy, no matter how much you want it to. They are more likely to sit you down for a conversation or calmly show you the door.

    Anxious Attachment:
    Characterized by a fear of abandonment, a strong need for closeness, and a tendency to worry about the stability of relationships. So when you are angry with your partner, they will get really worried and want to resolve it right now. So don’t be surprised if they fling themselves on the bonnet of your car while you try to make your escape! They will panic if you try to leave, even if it’s just for a few hours to cool off, feeling rejected by anything less than unconditional positive regard. The way they are treated becomes how they see their own worth.

    Avoidant Attachment:
    Individuals with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness, often preferring independence and self-reliance. This can show up in an argument by your partner needing space, time to think and self regulate, while you are crying into your cornflakes and begging for their attention. They may prefer to live separately, or want a lot more time to themselves than you are comfortable with, leaving you wondering why you’re not being included in their life.

    Disorganized Attachment:
    This style is marked by inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving in childhood. Your partner might be all over the place emotionally, you never know where you stand, and can’t predict where your relationship is going. They may freak out about hearing you chew your food, but be calm when you Flash your boobs at a braai. Nothing makes sense and you never know when the next meltdown is coming for you. This attachment style can become very stressful because you never feel stable, so you’ll feel like you are walking on egg shells. This can create a trauma bond even in secure partners.

    If we can recognise the roles played by our inner child on an unconscious level, we can heal these dysfunctional patterns and learn to relate to one another as adults. If we can learn how to resolve conflict differently without triggering each other, we can co-regulate and co-create a better future together.

    So next time you’re losing your shit about the cat poop or exiting stage left (pursued by a bear), you could consider how to resolve things differently next time.

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach & Wellness Coach. You don’t have to stay stuck in these unproductive patterns.
    You can book an appointment with me on WhatsApp 0833613255.

  • When Mr. Right Becomes Mr. Wrong

    Image by Ken Lovell, Model Candice Storm

    WHEN MR. RIGHT BECOMES MR, WRONG

    There seems to be a lot of break-ups going around lately! And the year of the Snake is all about shedding, if you but into that kind of thing….
    But when it comes to relationships, how much time should we be investing in them?

    Who is Mr Right (or Mrs Right) actually?

    What does that even mean, if no relationship is perfect anyway?


    You meet somebody, fall head over heels and then a year later you’re wondering what you saw in them? You’re managing expectations like a boss and wondering why the sound of his flip flops suddenly irritates you. Or why the sound of him breathing is making you mental, when you seemed ok with it last year?


    Or you hit the 2 year mark and it’s a battlefield, one where you’re constantly having to put out fires. Hoping for a breakthrough instead of a break-up, while you have one eye on the hot young pool guy and 1 foot out of the door.

    When we move too fast into a sexual relationship we are flooded with oxytocin, the love hormone, which essentially blinds us to the red flags or circumstances we would normally be able to see. It’s nature’s little trick to ensure we procreate. But when these chemicals die down, we are left wondering if we turned those red flags into a red carpet?

    If we should stay or go?

    Persevere or cut and run?

    This is why the rebound relationship is so intense, wandering from the desert of your former relationship into a chemical oasis of passion, validation and the hottest sex you can remember .
    But in moving on too soon you are often simply looking for all the attributes your past partner didn’t have. A massive reaction to the past relationship. Rather than focusing on what you do want, you’re just looking for someone who embodies what you don’t want. The polar opposite of your ex is now the most attractive thing in the room, instead of someone who is actually suited to you.

    And the crunch?

    None of us are getting any younger! Perhaps you want to move to the seaside with a stable and significant partner, or maybe your biological clock is ticking?
    So here we are, switching relationships every 5 or 10 years, or indulging that 7 year itch, when perhaps we should be setting limits.

    Whether to leave a relationship or work harder on it is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.

    If it’s not going anywhere after 1 year, perhaps we should move on? Set a time limit on how much of your life you are prepared to share in a doomed liaision.
    Or after a 2 year relationship that has declined into an exhausting loop of soul draining dysfunction, we should set a deadline.
    To walk away. To take back your energy.
    To re-evaluate our needs and priorities.
    To find somebody better suited for the right reasons, instead of a knee jerk relationship. Is it any wonder it didn’t work out, afterall?
    Not everybody is for everyone.
    And time is not promised to anyone.
    So stop treating your life like a rehearsal, start living as if it’s the main event. Because you deserve to get the most happiness out of this life as you can.

    Makes you think, doesn’t it?

    I am Candice Baker, a holistic Life Coach, Wellness Coach and Relationship Coach.

    Book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • The Saboteur Archetype

    Image by Monique van Wyk, model Candice Storm

    THE SABOTEUR ARCHETYPE
    We all know them, the celebrity who overdosed. The politician with the sex scandal…but this pattern of self sabotage can show up in your friend or partner too.
    For many people, success brings up all their fears. Because of low self-worth, self-esteem and not feeling worthy, the pressure of having to maintain their success becomes too hard to bear.
    So, they do something ‘dumb’ to bring themselves back to a level that doesn’t put so much pressure on them.
    Think of those people living a life most of us dream about, and yet they sabotage their success, in some way, because holding themselves to a high standard can be exhausting.

    The saboteur Archetype is characterised by negative mental patterns that undermine your performance and well-being. It’s the voice in your head that fuels self-doubt, fear, and resistance to growth. Its often disguised as helpful, but ultimately leading to self-sabotage, preventing us from taking risks or stepping up.

    It’s cooking a romantic dinner and then picking a fight at the table.
    It’s your beautiful friend dating unworthy men, or your tendency to procrastinate when a big job is required of you.

    This internal sabotage generates a lot of discomfort, in the form of negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, self doubt, frustration and unhappiness.

    The internal saboteur will actively work against your progress and success, hindering your ability to reach goals and realise your potential. You will drink too much at an important work occasion, or kiss somebody at a party that you shouldn’t.

    For me, it was breast implants. I didn’t feel confident in myself so I thought a pair of toxic tits would fix my mindset. They were a disaster, my body rejected them, I got sick. But I kept redoing the surgery, using up all my leave and extra cash. 7 surgeries in 17 years and still I was adamant I wanted to keep them. They leaked all over my chest, they swelled up, and still I couldn’t feel like ‘me’ without them. Until the surgeon said no, take time to heal, she forced me to redefine who I was without them.

    This self defeating behaviour can show up in relationships, in passive aggressive comments or infidelity. Worst of all, it’s an automatic pattern! We think, feel and respond a certain way on auto pilot.

    We make fear-based decisions that block our empowerment and success, sabotaging our efforts without our conscious awareness.

    So if it’s unconscious, how do we overcome this?
    The key is awareness. We need to actively challenge negative thoughts, to rewire how we think about things.
    We need to cultivate forgiveness and self-compassion, so we don’t block ourselves from taking calculated risks.

    We need to start focusing on our strengths and celebrate our successes

    By understanding our self sabotage and working to overcome it, we can unlock our true potential and achieve greater success and well-being.

    So next time you find yourself about to do dumb shit to get you out of situations that you don’t feel worthy of, take a breath and change your tactics.

    I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.

    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp 0833613255

  • Shedding My Skin

    Image by Marthinus Odendaal, model Candice Storm

    SHEDDING MY SKIN

    Let me tell you something about the ageing process. It humbles you.
    That kick ass body that you always took for granted is suddenly bulging over your low rise jeans.
    Your beautiful mane of hair is thinning and your butt is beginning to sag.
    The wrinkles come out of nowhere and your hormones go out of whack. Yes, it’s a shit show after 45.

    Or is it?
    This lifetime is a journey of becoming. Of personal growth, honing instincts and acquiring wisdom.

    I have always been in the modeling and entertainment industry, where there is a heavy emphasis on how you look. But slowly life has been changing me, forcing me to look inwards to discover beauty.

    It’s a process of shedding your skin. Some processes more painful than others.
    First it was the false nails, impossible to maintain in an aerial studio.
    And who needs them really?

    Then it was the big 4 Oh! And along came the panic about getting older and a solid 5 year Botox binge.
    Enter the fantastical filler flirtation, both temporary and unsustainable,
    I dropped that particular obsession by 45. Are we not just prolonging the inevitable, afterall?
    Don’t get me wrong, there were days where I stared in the mirror before a date and regretted my divorce from injectibles.
    But I stood firm in the belief that I have more to offer than my face.

    Photoshop was a fascinating distraction for a while, perfecting every tummy roll and blemish.
    And then realising it’s pretty toxic to present this fake version of perfection to the world. To set unrealistic standards for other women to loathe themselves by.
    And so I let that go too, deliberately posting images with the belly rolls and wrinkles, because let’s be real…we all have them.

    Then came the biggie, the breast implant drama. After 17 years and 7 surgeries, I had to let them go. It was never smooth sailing, I had complications right from the start. Fluid running down my chest, swelling, and finally a rupture which filled my chest with silicone. One has to question a beauty aesthetic which requires women to slice open their chests, pry the muscle off their rib cage, and insert a pair of silicone bags in the name of beauty. But I bought into that idea big time.
    And when they had to be removed for good… I cried, I mourned them, I felt like I had had a mastectomy. Because after 17 years they felt like my own breasts and they were gone. And then I felt all this guilt and self loathing because I had brought this upon myself.
    And as I lay in that hospital bed with my soul laid bare, I started the long road to my next and greatest mind shift.
    I AM ENOUGH.

    Enter the mermaid phase. It washed over me like a tidal wave, a silicone tail being a healthier choice than the toxic titties. Freediving, skin diving, mermaid shows and the era of the hair extensions. God I felt beautiful as a mermaid, I still do. How I loved having long, thick, beautiful hair. And how sad I felt to let them go.
    And how surprising to realise I didn’t need those hair extensions either.

    Que arthritis and swollen discs in my spine. Perfectly understandable after 17 years of pole dance fitness and the aerial arts.
    For so many years pole dance had made me feel beautiful, like a goddess spinning through the air. It fulfilled me in ways my marriage never could, a pure internal self love growing into a more confident and happy version of myself. But now life has other plans for me, or for my spine at least! It’s been difficult to accept these changes with grace, but I’m discovering new ways to embody the goddess within. So I’m spinning less and uplifting women in other ways. I’m sharing my many beautiful skills with my life coaching clients and we are rising together.

    Perhaps I’m getting better with self acceptance, or dare I say self love, the hardest journey of all. I can feel I’m starting to step into the next phase of womanhood. From maiden to mother to wild woman.
    So although I might cling to my eyelash extensions a little longer, I’m enjoying embodying the wisdom that comes from experience, and focusing less on trying to look 35.

    I still catch myself sometimes taking that sideways glance in the mirror whilst entangled in a yoga pose, registering the wrinkles with surprise and dismay. Caught off guard. Judging myself based on how I look, more unkind to myself than to my worst frenemies.

    But each of these sheddings has shown me more of who I am, on the inside. Not defined by breasts or youth. Not defined by prettiness or people pleasing.
    But rather defined by who I am on the inside.
    Life is a process of becoming.
    Of shedding.
    Of death and rebirth.
    Of rising from the ashes.
    It’s up to us to define who we are and our value to the world.
    Take your power back.
    It was never theirs to hold.

    I am Candice Baker, holistic life coach and relationship coach.

    WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Coaching Through Chaos

    Image by Alan Perring, Model Candice Storm

    COACHING THROUGH CHAOS

    There are many reasons for deciding to enter into a relationship with a coach. And many coaches out there to help you find your way.

    Maybe you need to set some goals?
    Maybe you have some problems at work?
    Maybe your personal life just went down the toilet?
    There are different types of coaches, each choosing their niche based on what their own life experience.
    Some have embraced a spiritual approach, or a new age approach. Some espouse traditional values and roles, and others may specialise in addiction or career building.

    So choose a coach who you admire, one who has already created the life you desire.

    Now I’m not saying that the coach you choose needs to be schizophrenic to help you with your schizophrenia. But I am saying that experience and niche should play an important role in your choice.

    So if you’re looking for a mushroom journey, choose someone who has experienced many, not just facilitated them.
    A coach who has been divorced will have unique insights into your relationship.

    A coach who has lived in long term relationships or had children might be the ideal person for your journey, or one who has the free spirit of a gypsey.
    Whoever you choose, pick a coach who has come out the other side stronger, who has tried and tested techniques .
    A coach who can give you hope rather than fear.

    I focus mostly on woman empowerment, on a personal level. Techniques to improve your self esteem, insight into yourself and your relationships. Awakening your inner goddess. That doesn’t mean I’ve always felt like a goddess, there have been some hard things I have had to work through to get here. Some crazy mistakes and epic comebacks, and they will keep coming. I’m passionate about helping women to bloom into the most beautiful version of themselves, inside and out.

    I haven’t posted for a while because I’m going through a lot of personal stuff right now. I’ve been focusing on me and my process to get through it, and it’s been really tough. But I’m still here, showing up for myself, exploring boundaries and wiser for it.

    So to all the coaches out there who may feel that their lives aren’t perfect, it is the way that you have overcome your own obstacles that makes you an effective mentor.
    It’s your life experience that guides you to help others in their decision making
    It’s your emotional processes that can lead your client through a tough time.
    Experiences forged through pure grit, ice and fire.

    So next time you feel unworthy due to a personal circumstance, take some time out to process your loss, grief or trauma. Remember there is a client out there seeking your wisdom. Not textbook wisdom, but raw, real life experience.
    Everyone wanders in the wilderness sometimes, and it’s how you find your way back to yourself that is the gift you can offer.
    I see you ✨

    I am a holistic life coach, relationship coach, and wellness coach.
    You can book a session via WhatsApp 0833613255

  • How Do You Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship?

    How Do You Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship?

    Model: Candice Storm

    HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

    Hopefully not with a jolly good spanking, as this cop style hat might suggest!

    The truth is it is very seldom a peaceful and productive discussion.

    Emotions run hot, tempers flare, and words are thrown around like weapons.

    But here is the truth behind human conflict. Each fight is either going to leave you better off, or chip away at your self esteem and your relationship.

    A disagreement with a compatible partner will result in changed behaviour and accountability.

    A disagreement with a toxic partner will result in a bigger problem.

    How do you ever relax with a person who is unpredictable and edgy, where you are constantly bracing for impact, never knowing where it’s coming from next?

    How do you ever let your guard down when they will attack you with no warning about something small and unexpected?

    A healthy relationship means talking about things as calmly as possible. It means discussing only one problem at a time and agreeing on a resolution.

    It does not mean attacking your partner, putting them on the defensive and spewing abuse and toxicity.

    It does not mean weaponising everything your partner said in moments of trust and vulnerability, so that you can twist the knife and ‘win’ the arguement.

    Because the truth is you only win if you take your partner with you to the finish line.

    You only win if you can solve a problem with mutual respect.

    You only win if you can provide a safe space for each other emotionally.

    It’s not a power struggle, pushing buttons like a pro to send your partner over the edge.

    It’s not about manipulation.

    It’s not about gas lighting.

    It’s not about open warfare, it’s about reaching a deeper understanding.

    It’s about owning your feelings and your screw ups, and finding out how to make amends.

    Otherwise you’re breaking more than you’re fixing, and one day there won’t be anything left.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach, and you can book a session by messaging me on WhatsApp.

    0833613265

    #arguement #resolvingconflict #toxicpartner #lifecoach #relationshipcoach

  • Living With An Addict

    Living With An Addict

    LIVING WITH AN ADDICT

    I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.

    If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.

    They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.

    Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.

    They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.

    They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.

    Wasting your life.

    Let that sink in.

    There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.

    There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.

    And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.

    If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.

    Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.

    Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.

    I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.

    The deflection (I’m so stressed).

    The accusation (you are always upset with me)

    The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).

    The empty promises (I can change)

    I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.

    Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.

    I called it committed.

    I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.

    I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.

    But it became harder each time to bounce back.

    It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.

    Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.

    Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.

    Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.

    Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.

    He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.

    There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.

    Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.

    And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.

    He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.

    So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.

    Create new routines to take care of yourself.

    Go to counseling.

    You both will need to.

    Practice self love.

    Start a new hobby.

    Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.

    And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.

    But you?

    Stick to your standards.

    You’re worth more than this.

    Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.

    You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.

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