Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: Gender based violence

  • #Me Too

    #ME TOO

    There is a lot of media attention on Sexual Assault lately and I would like to add my voice to this.

    Me Too.

    I was in a hotel room alone in Zimbabwe, on a charter flight for the airline I was working for.
    I had just gotten out of the bath after a long day on my feet and was swathed in a fluffy hotel gown.
    I sat on the bed, made a cup of tea and decided to call home, as I was missing my husband.

    I struggled to make the international call, so I called the reception and they said they would send someone up to assist with the dial out and international codes.

    I can almost hear every woman reading this holding their breath, anticipating the worst.
    I opened the door and a Zimbabwean male was standing there. I greeted him in a friendly manner and he grabbed me. He smiled at me, kissed me and got his hands under my gown.

    I pulled away in shock and asked him to fix my dialling issue and leave.
    So he backed off, fixed the dialling issue and left. The atmosphere was thick with tension and I can almost feel every woman reading this exhale. Situation handled.

    A number of things happened here which I would like to reflect on.

    My first thought was that I was ‘lucky’
    He stopped when I pulled away. I didn’t get 🍇. What a travesty that women are taught to consider themselves lucky for not being 🍇

    He respected my NO, even though he crossed a boundary to begin with and disrespected my politeness. He was possibly confused by my attire. I found myself making excuses for HIS behaviour. For the fantasy that was playing out in his head. For the porn he was probably watching.

    Further along this thought process was, ‘I should have changed out of the gown.’ Really? Aside from the fact that a gown pretty much covers you from neck to toe? I should have climbed out of the bath and put on my airline uniform in order make a call in my own room. And then taken it off again to go to bed. Ridiculous and only something a woman would ever have to think about.

    And then we come to the entitlement that some men feel towards womans bodies. He came to my room on a work errand. Saw a pretty lady in a gown and instantly assumed this was a booty call. No pleasantries, just launched into a grope-fest with zero consent.

    And the worst part? My nervous system went into freeze mode. I didn’t kick him out. I didn’t rage. I didn’t even report the incident. After he did this, I was even more desperate to phone home, so I still asked him to sort out the dial codes before he left. Which he did, thankfully leaving after with no further incident. (There we go again with the gratitude. What the actual f#$!)
    The truth is I put myself at even greater risk, just because I was desperate to phone home.

    I have noticed that my memory is very cloudy about this incident. Partly because it was a long time ago, when hotel rooms still had phones. Before WhatsApp calls were a thing. But every trauma I have faced has become very hazy. It’s a defence mechanism. If I had been asked to testify, it would have been a problem. And this is something many victims face in a courtroom. A lack of memory for details. Something used to discredit them.

    In writing this piece, I have become painfully aware of how many excuses I made for this man. Just the way society had taught me to. Right down to the self blame regarding what I was wearing.

    I would have handled it differently this time, with more rage and consequence. I would have shouted at him, shoved him and called his manager. It probably would have backfired right there in the room with a now angry man.

    I have also returned from parties twice with no memory. Luckily with friends and partners who were safe. (There we go again with the gratitude for not being drugged and sexually assaulted.)
    Although now that the Motherless site has been exposed it might not be possible for a woman to know, I could have been assaulted by a partner. I do not believe any of my partners were ‘into’ having sex with unconscious women, but then who does?

    As a society we need to do better. We need to create a world where women are safe and criminal behaviour is policed.
    A world where men’s entitlement is corrected rather than the woman’s attire.
    Victim blaming is an empty arguement, women have been assaulted in their tracksuits and babies don’t own sexy outfits.

    It’s time to lay the blame where it belongs and teach our boys differently. It’s time to police the perpetrators and not the victims.

    And if you find yourself justifying any of this kind of behaviour, if you find yourself thinking ‘at least she wasn’t 🍇’, it’s time to look inward to the values you have unconsciously integrated.

    It’s time to do better.

    And if you’re a man reading this and you have a #MeToo story, my sympathies go out to you. Sexual assault works both ways but this post is not about your experience, it’s about mine.

    I am a holistic life coach & wellness coach, registered traditional doctor with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • Slut Shaming… Are We Still Doing This?

    SLUT SHAMING, ARE WE REALLY STILL DOING THIS?

    I have seen some vicious attacks on women lately on social media. Slut shaming is defined as the stigmatization of an individual based on her appearance, sexual availability, and actual or perceived sexual behavior. It can take place in physical or virtual spaces.

    One of the biggest problems with slut shaming, is that it is based on rumour or perception rather than fact.

    Another problem with slut shaming is gender bias – women or girls are villainized for their appearance or rumoured behaviour, while the same behaviours in men go unnoticed, or are even praised.

    Swimwear, streaking, even sexting has different consequences for males and females. The double standard sanctions sexting for girls, while it trivializes it for boys, and this sanction can take the form of slut shaming too. Skinny dipping is just boys being boys, or girls being sluts.

    Often, all a girl or woman has to do is be popular, or grow big boobs too soon, and she will attract this reputation from other women / girls who want to be her, and men who want to sleep with her. (Or men who have been rejected by her).

    Slut shaming has an impact on the physical and psychological well-being of young girls as early as adolescence.

    It’s a form of violence stemming from bullying (or cyber bullying.) The consequences of which have been documented in the scientific literature:
    Negative emotions;
    Depression
    Thoughts of suicide;
    Academic difficulties and drop-out;
    Relational issues;
    Alcohol, tobacco, or substance abuse;
    Polyvictimization.

    And it’s no different for adult women.
    And it’s more than bullying, as it focuses on 1 gender only.
    In fact, this type of abuse falls under gender based violence. A vicious attack on the female character and morals, often with no base other than attire or body type. Slut shaming helps to consolidate and perpetuate gender norms and stereotypes and is a form of sexual oppression that is often trivialized.

    Self-presentation that is considered overly sexualized is often enough to result in slut shaming without a multiplicity of sexual partners. Or sexual behaviors labelled as “deviant” with respect to the established norms or sexual orientation can lead to slut shaming as well. Just because she wears a harness to a dress up party does not mean she is into BDSM, but all these examples are likely to lead to slut shaming. But only for the female. For example, this image is an outfit I wore on stage for a fire performance at a fetish-styled event. It says absolutely nothing about my morals.

    So we’re back to the stigmatisation of women who stand out in their clothing, body type, or who have the sexual ideals of men. We’re back to threatening women with violence, albeit verbal, if they look or act in a way that seems sexual, even if this is not actually the case. We’re back to keeping women small, and using coercion to do so. We’re back to applying one set of rules for females and another for men, in our society where we are supposed to be equal. We’re back to policing women’s bodies, and labelling them as dirty. We’re back to victim- blaming. Back to blaming other women for inciting lustful behaviour in men.
    You’ve just set the woman’s rights movement back 200 years, babe. Nothing good can come of this.

    All forms of bullying and gender based violence are wrong, even the verbal type. They are damaging and divide women. They break women down where we should be uplifting them.
    Women are as free to dress or behave as they please as men are.
    And in this country it’s the law.

    So next time you find yourself judging a female based on how she is dressed or the shape of her body, take a look at your thought process. Because she is not the problem, you are.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.

    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255