Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: feminism

  • When The Tide Turns: Rising Against the Waves of Gender-Based Violence.

    Model: Mermaid Storm, Tog: Uwe Jacobs

    WHEN THE TIDE TURNS: RISING AGAINST THE WAVES OF GENDER BASED VIOLENCE.

    There has been a lot of sharing lately, with the Woman For Change protest making it onto the G20 agenda. Around the world, women are fighting for their lives. In South Africa this is especially true. There has been a rise in gender based violence and femicide in South Africa this past year, and WFC are campaigning to have this declared a national disaster.

    Women have been encouraged to share their experiences of GBV, not for sympathy but to create awareness of what it means to be a woman who is more likely to be killed by her partner than by a complete stranger. A partner who probably considers himself to be a nice guy, and not a criminal…

    Some men don’t understand how women are always looking over their shoulders as they walk to the shop. Always scanning the room for threats. How they profile each man they encounter before going on a date. Picking the safest restaurant, not disclosing their address, wired for fight or flight. It must be cool to be the apex predator, afraid of no one, except maybe another man. But some men do not wield that power to serve and protect. Some men use their power to take what is not theirs. Men you know at work. Men sitting at your dinner table.

    I have had a few frightening experiences with men. I don’t believe I know any woman who hasn’t. Some of these things I have not thought about in years. But now we are being called to share.

    For me, this is how it looked from a very young age.
    There were times where kissing nearly turned into unwanted, coercive s3x in high school, and times where I have felt immense pressure as an adult too. I consider myself lucky that my NO was accepted, if not all that gracefully.

    I have had hands around my throat, only 16 years old, and being thrown to the ground. This was the price I paid because I requested a song from the DJ. I have been shoved in a night club for wanting to dance with my friends instead of some guy.

    I have been threatened with violence by men who couldn’t bend me to their will.
    To burn my house down.
    To set me on fire.
    To report me (for my daughter’s weed trees) to the police.
    To have me thrown in jail as revenge for not capitulating.
    I have been shoved across the bed when he couldn’t climax. Been held hostage when I wanted to leave.
    There is this mindset amongst some men, that they are entitled to their way, no matter what the price to be paid.

    So I share these experiences not for sympathy, but for awareness.

    But by far the worst abuse I have received is emotional. For me, this seems to last much longer. But I guess that’s only because nobody ever followed through with the ‘Till-Death-Do-Us-Part’ experience. However, I have gained full access to the Post Traumatic Stress experience, which sat within my nervous system far longer than the threat of violence ever did.

    Some words cannot be unheard. They are spells that haunt you even if you know in your heart they are not true. The body shaming. The put downs about my intellect, my business, my children, my dog. (I’m truly grateful she is deaf 🤣)
    Words piled on the fire to explode like shrapnel into soft flesh. Missiles fired at the ones you’re supposed to love. The mindset: maybe if I make her small enough she will love me again.

    In truth, my experience of physical violence has created much fear in the moment, and faded in time. But I consider myself lucky that it has not been worse. And that in itself is pretty fucked up.

    So before you knee jerk your way into looking like a complete narcisist, please don’t comment on this post about how #not-all-men are like this. Women already know this.
    But some men are like this, and this post is about my lived experiences with them. So if this post triggers you, ask yourself if you are really against women fighting to be safe in the streets, even safe in their homes? Is your ego so fragile that you would derail a movement like this to protect yourself because women are talking about GBV and you just happen to be a man? Are you standing with women, or upholding the ‘Bro Code’ no matter what? You do not have to be a feminist to understand that women do not want to be beaten, raped, threatened or murdered. If you cannot stand with women on this, are you at least not standing in their way?

    And to all the women out there who are surviving rape, attempted murder or constant emotional assault, I encourage you to share your story, but above all be safe. Let’s create awareness, these are not isolated incidents and women are fighting for their lives out there.

    There are songs beneath the waves, songs of gender based violence. Don’t let your voice be drowned out by the sounds of this rising storm. Rise above it, stand firm and take a sister by the hand. Together we rise.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The Sin Of Celibacy

    THE SIN OF CELIBACY

    Talk of celibacy can bring up a lot of touchy emotions, unless the topic is about nuns.

    And here’s the thing about sex…the way we think about it is changing.
    First women were told it’s dirty, something to be endured in order to make children.(1920’s)
    Then women were told they might as well enjoy it, as they’re going to have to do it for the rest of their lives. (1940’s)
    Then there was the free love era of the 1970’s, which must’ve felt very empowering at the time.
    But now? Celibacy can be a choice too. Whether you are single or repairing damage within a marriage. Yet somehow it’s being treated like some sort of mortal sin. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    I spoke to a woman a while ago about her marriage. The suspicious texts and late nights at the office.
    The neglect she felt and the strings of affairs her husband had been having.
    And yet…mind-blowingly…she was still having sex with him. Offering her body up as a prayer, while disconnecting her heart from her womb.
    Allowing his betrayal to still enter her body in the most physical way, not just her heart and her mind. And it seemed impossible to me that women are expected to have sex with their partners within a marriage. No matter what.
    Now I know that the religious texts will come at this from the perspective that her body belongs to her husband. And his body belongs to his wife. And that he is expected to nurture and cherish her so she doesn’t need to worry about giving herself to him unconditionally. But is this ‘unconditional’ arrangement realistic in a world of scrolling and swiping right?

    Is this unconditional access not damaging to the feminine psyche when the conditions are less than ideal?

    Infidelity. Pregnancy. Illness. Post Partum. Grief. Conflict.

    Have women been brainwashed to seek value by making their bodies available to men? Husbands or otherwise? This thought hits pretty close to home for many. It starts with women being treated as ornaments, and ends with them being treated as concubines.
    Are women only valued as a spouse or partner if they are sexually compliant and accessible? What about everything else she brings to the relationship?

    For centuries a woman’s worth has been measured by her desirability. And men’s by how many cattle they own. But these old thought paradigms are losing relevance in a world where a woman can earn her own income and a man can be a stay at home dad.

    The feminine is now feeling burnt out due to overfuctioning— emotionally, sexually, energetically, and she is beginning to re-draw her boundaries. If she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, held…she might not feel pressurised to submit to the sexual demands of her partner anymore.

    And this is a good thing…She re-groups, shines up her energy field, focuses inward for a while. And emerges the enchantress, attracting her man to her when things are good between them. Instead of submitting begrudgingly. Using HER powers of seduction, allowing him to feel chosen. Worthy.
    And he knows that he can reach her through love and a new found appreciation, That he can entice her with his charm, love and emotional safety.
    Both receiving the best of each other. Her glow and desire a yardstick to measure his success by as a partner.

    I’m not talking about a knee jerk reaction. I’m talking about conscious celibacy, where she keeps her freedom and sovereignty, she knows her worth and won’t stand for rejection or cheap seduction. She will love you out of devotion instead of guilt. She will feel secure in his love for her without needing to perform, but only if he is willing to evolve.

    A woman calling back her creative energy is not a rejection. It’s an invitation. To rise together. To build something better. To co-create.

    How would she make love to you if she chose you freely, and felt centred in her own desire rather than coerced to submit to yours?

    Celibacy is calling for sacred union, emotional safety and devotion by both parties. A step back to a time where your partnership was based on something more than robotic intercourse. And men are starting to say no too, so this can work both ways.
    Celibacy can be an invitation for personal growth, a call to redirect both your energies, or it can be seen as a punishment.
    And that depends on the perspective you choose.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255


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  • Slut Shaming… Are We Still Doing This?

    SLUT SHAMING, ARE WE REALLY STILL DOING THIS?

    I have seen some vicious attacks on women lately on social media. Slut shaming is defined as the stigmatization of an individual based on her appearance, sexual availability, and actual or perceived sexual behavior. It can take place in physical or virtual spaces.

    One of the biggest problems with slut shaming, is that it is based on rumour or perception rather than fact.

    Another problem with slut shaming is gender bias – women or girls are villainized for their appearance or rumoured behaviour, while the same behaviours in men go unnoticed, or are even praised.

    Swimwear, streaking, even sexting has different consequences for males and females. The double standard sanctions sexting for girls, while it trivializes it for boys, and this sanction can take the form of slut shaming too. Skinny dipping is just boys being boys, or girls being sluts.

    Often, all a girl or woman has to do is be popular, or grow big boobs too soon, and she will attract this reputation from other women / girls who want to be her, and men who want to sleep with her. (Or men who have been rejected by her).

    Slut shaming has an impact on the physical and psychological well-being of young girls as early as adolescence.

    It’s a form of violence stemming from bullying (or cyber bullying.) The consequences of which have been documented in the scientific literature:
    Negative emotions;
    Depression
    Thoughts of suicide;
    Academic difficulties and drop-out;
    Relational issues;
    Alcohol, tobacco, or substance abuse;
    Polyvictimization.

    And it’s no different for adult women.
    And it’s more than bullying, as it focuses on 1 gender only.
    In fact, this type of abuse falls under gender based violence. A vicious attack on the female character and morals, often with no base other than attire or body type. Slut shaming helps to consolidate and perpetuate gender norms and stereotypes and is a form of sexual oppression that is often trivialized.

    Self-presentation that is considered overly sexualized is often enough to result in slut shaming without a multiplicity of sexual partners. Or sexual behaviors labelled as “deviant” with respect to the established norms or sexual orientation can lead to slut shaming as well. Just because she wears a harness to a dress up party does not mean she is into BDSM, but all these examples are likely to lead to slut shaming. But only for the female. For example, this image is an outfit I wore on stage for a fire performance at a fetish-styled event. It says absolutely nothing about my morals.

    So we’re back to the stigmatisation of women who stand out in their clothing, body type, or who have the sexual ideals of men. We’re back to threatening women with violence, albeit verbal, if they look or act in a way that seems sexual, even if this is not actually the case. We’re back to keeping women small, and using coercion to do so. We’re back to applying one set of rules for females and another for men, in our society where we are supposed to be equal. We’re back to policing women’s bodies, and labelling them as dirty. We’re back to victim- blaming. Back to blaming other women for inciting lustful behaviour in men.
    You’ve just set the woman’s rights movement back 200 years, babe. Nothing good can come of this.

    All forms of bullying and gender based violence are wrong, even the verbal type. They are damaging and divide women. They break women down where we should be uplifting them.
    Women are as free to dress or behave as they please as men are.
    And in this country it’s the law.

    So next time you find yourself judging a female based on how she is dressed or the shape of her body, take a look at your thought process. Because she is not the problem, you are.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.

    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The Body Bait

    Model: Candice Storm

    THE BODY BAIT

    We live in a society that is becoming more permissive with each passing year. Sex and violence on TV, each MTV video trying to out-do the last one. Women gyrating and tequila flowing.

    Should we try to censor these sexual things? These substances ?
    In certain spaces absolutely.
    In adult spaces, less.
    And in specially designed spaces perhaps not at all.
    Driving something underground does not make it go away, it makes it unregulated…dangerous.

    But what I’m seeing is this dialogue about women inciting lust. That the responsibility of a man’s behaviour lies with the female.
    But woman’s bodies have long been the centre of lust; a woman can wear a burka and still be the object of a man’s fantasy. She could be wearing a stained flannel nightie and still be forced to do sexual things unwillingly. A baby can be wearing a nappy and still be the object of desire to a certain kind of man. A child on the playground, hanging upside down on the jungle gym can fall prey too.
    Similarly a woman who is drunk or high might become the target of a certain type of man. Or a performer on a stage, or sexily dressed females at a club, or a woman simply walking down the road.
    But in all of these situations, lust is in the eye (and heart) of the beholder. The man gets to choose how he responds to these stimuli.

    Some men will gaze at a child with innocent joy, others might love them ‘too much’ an unnatural twisting of the urge for intimacy. Nobody ever raped a baby because it was wearing sexy shoes. Something else was going on in the minds of these men.

    A performer on a stage, or a girl in a sassy outfit is not asking for sex any more than that child is. Men are not animals. We need to stop treating them as such. They have a frontal lobe, they are capable of logical thought and decision making. We need to stop making them out to be illogical beasts burdened with testosterone and desire. Right, guys?

    But some men are predators.
    If a woman is heartbroken, or drunk, she becomes fair game. If she is provocatively dressed, she is keen. And if not she can be rufied. Some men seem to like their women unconscious. This is criminal behaviour and not the responsibility of the woman or child.

    A woman who is under the influence is in danger of being taken advantage of. A man under the influence is not. Will he protect her or become part of the problem?

    My point is this: men are capable of self control, and women (or children) should not need to live in fear of them losing this control.
    Men need to re-think the entitlement they feel towards women’s bodies.
    There are spaces where women can dress in skimpy clothing, like the beach, the stage or a festival, and it does not mean they are inciting lust. It does not mean they are looking for sex. It does not mean they are dressing to impress any man. It’s not about him at all. It’s about her enjoying her body, expressing herself and feeling beautiful.
    And if he is really desperate, he can switch on that adult channel. There are appropriate places he can go to relieve himself. Spaces that are regulated and safe for the men and the consenting women involved.

    We need to stop blaming the victim.
    We need to stop blaming other women for inciting lust.
    We need to start working on why some men feel entitled to take what is not theirs, what is not freely given. And if you’re not sure if it’s been freely given, zip up big boy.
    If she is crying, grieving, sleeping or under the influence, go and whack that pointy thing on the door frame, dude. Safety and intimacy are different to sex. If she is slow dancing with you, or crying in your shoulder, that is not consent, it’s vulnerability. Be a good guy.

    Women do not incite lust, and most men can appreciate a woman while still keeping it in their pants. If you’re not one of them, you need to re-think the your ideas about women and their bodies. And if you’re a woman who believes a victim is responsible for the crime, you need to examine your thoughts too.

    We live in a society where women need to be protected from men, and that is a huge problem.
    Men are not animals.
    But if they choose to behave like one, the consequences should be harsh.
    Self control and rational thought are what make us human, and humanity has a long way to go.

    So stop the slut shaming and start asking why women are being policed and blamed for crimes committed by predators. Our bodies are sovereign, and women alone have the rights to them.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The Modern Day Witch Trials

    THE MODERN DAY WITCH TRIALS

    So we made it through the witch trials, women of power and healing burned at the stake. Naturopaths, herbalists, midwives, all a threat to the patriarchy and all sentenced to death. Women collaborating against women, pointing fingers away from themselves in fear. Too much water in the well, must be a witch. Not enough crop growth, must be a witch. The theme of too little or too much playing out through the centuries. Wise women persecuted by men, wild women persecuted by women. The only path to safety embodied in the mundane. Women learned that there is shelter in mediocrity.

    But has it really changed? Or are the underlying thought patterns of control and fear still there? Women are still being policed, their wings still clipped, their power still stolen from them. And it starts at school. If you were around in the eighties, you would remember the school panty inspection. Oh yes, the panty police was a thing. We had to lift up our skirts to check whether we were wearing the regulation school brookie. Apart from the gross privacy violation, there was this idea that boys could not control themselves, so the girls had to be strictly controlled instead.And this idea persists today.

    Not much has changed in this new century. Enter the year 2015 and girls get picked out in front of the whole class for wearing black bras. Aside from the fact that black actually shows through less than white, she must be some kind of scarlet woman to be wearing such a colour under her clothing. And to discuss the colour of her underwear in front of an entire class of boys, to embarass her and violate her rights in such a public way is inexcusable. Women victimizing girls.

    Women’s bodies have always fallen under the control of others. Owned by the patriarchy and not themselves. Wrinkled old men deciding on women’s rights to this day in first world countries. Persecution by the gusset Gestapo should your stocking be showing. Women not allowed into temples. Women banned from holy places when they are bleeding and considered unclean. It seems even periods are policed. The vilification of the yoni has continued through the centuries, because to acknowledge the opposite would be to acknowledge the power of women.

    As a dance instructor I have recieved so many comments about outfits that show too much, yet every private part is covered. Do a split in a tutu and you are a graceful and gifted ballerina. Do a split on the pole in hot pants and everybody loses their minds. Asking a dancer to cover up is like asking Chad le Clos to swim in baggies, it cannot be done. It shouldn’t be done. It restricts movement in impossible ways, and ruins the aeathetic. Oh how society loves to brand a woman in scarlet, for nothing more than what could be implied in their minds. Because it was what was in your mind that was inciting lust, while everyone else was appreciating her beautiful long legged splits.

    Perform in a magnificent set of fire wings, with fire fans, in an outfit layered white hotpants, white miniskirt, long white lace skirt surrounded by 20 flames. A stunt requiring courage, experience and risk management. But there is always one who will be horrified that the dancers were showing their vaginas to the crowd.
    The one with the x-ray vision, who could see their lady parts through 3 layers of clothing, in the dark. My what a rich and vivid imagination she must have. A vision so sharp that she could not see the fire, not appreciate the show, not zoom out or away from that place between their thighs. I suspect another 3 layers would have made little difference to such a piercing and judgemental gaze.

    So there the dancer is, performing magnificent stunts with her body requiring years of blood /sweat/tears, all her efforts reduced to flashing her imagined genitalia. A total denigration of talent into filth by a tormented psyche. Are your glasses tinted by roses or filth?
    A vagina lurking under every rock ready to pounce.
    A fear, bred into women over the centuries. A threat wielded by the patriarchy to keep the feminine form covered.

    2000 years later and the woman will still be burned at the stake. Acid thrown on her face for rejecting a male suitor. Forced to marry her rapist to restore her honour. Child brides for paedophiles.

    Surely we have more important things to worry about than the implied shape of a woman’s body? Surely in this era women deserve the same freedom as their male counterparts? We may joke about a Speedo, or a mankind, but is it vilified? Nope. Whilst the shadow of a yoni or a breast is shamed in public but praised in private. Bought, sold, stolen. But never to be given for free without shame.

    Perhaps our focus should be on creating a safe space for freedom.
    Freedom of expression.
    Freedom of choice.
    Freedom from policing the bodies of women.

    Women reclaiming their power, their creative force, the sacredness of their inner temple. Their yoni, the spark of life, the sacred feminine within. Women supporting women and men creating safety. Remembering the goddess within, holding ourselves in high regard, and not shrinking into shame. Because our bodies are not shameful, they are worthy of respect and admiration.

    No, the yoni is not the divine feminine, the goddess is, and she lives within each of us. Within our yoni, within our womb, within our hearts, our minds, our souls. And she demands respect.

    Let’s bleed out the poison and grow a community of respect and sovereignty, not fear, together.

    I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255

  • The Embodied Masculine

    THE EMBODIED MASCULINE

    There is a lot of talk about the divine feminine and masculine. Or the embodied feminine and masculine. Speaking from a woman’s perspective, the masculine in a love relationship needs to embody structure. He needs to show groundedness, be consistent and provide stability. From the evolutionary perspective, men are wired to serve and protect. Just take a look at the meat suit, compared to that of a woman’s. Huge hands, thick arms and long legs. Wide shoulders and Lats.
    In return, a woman shares her softness with her man, her nurturing and loving nature and body. She becomes relaxed and opens like a flower. She is designed for providing solace, to allow him to pour his devotion into her, and share her wide hips, her round breasts and loving arms.

    In today’s society, this can become very confusing. Women are being taught to be providers in their own right, and men are hesitant to open doors or be chivalrous in case of backlash. Women are liberated and independent, but that does not mean she wants to stand alone.
    The problem is, if he is passive or inconsistent, a
    woman’s nervous system will be activated. She needs clarity and consistency to feel secure. So a man who feels unable to assert himself in a relationship with a financially empowered woman might feel redundant. Or disconnected from an emotionally wise woman if he cannot meet her with his genuine self expression.
    And the woman might feel neglected, and retreat into the safety of emotional shutdown if her partner cannot rise to her emotional needs.
    While a man who feels empowered to make her his priority will help her feel safe and supported. Yes, she can do all the things for herself, but she shouldn’t have to if she is in a conscious partnership.

    If her man does not embody the traits of safety, consistency and reliability, she goes into survival mode. This is because women experience inconsistency as a form of abandonment. If she cannot rely on a partner for this stability, she will withdraw and create her own safe environment. Or she might feel needy, get critical, even angry. Reaching out will sound like nagging or bossiness to an avoidant male. She might feel insecure or attacked or even try to manipulate the situation to achieve a consistent outcome in an effort to regain a sense of control over her environment. Because if he cannot provide leadership, she will step up and take the reigns out of necessity.

    Whichever happens, without this feeling of safety, predictability and security, the feminine will not be able to be soft or surrendered. She will not relax, let her guard down or flourish in her natural nurturing state.
    Survival mode will make her reactive, tough as nails and embody her masculine. The passive male will recieve the fierce and defensive warrior instead of the sensual goddess energy that he craves.

    So the balance lies in consistency, reliability and safety from him so that she can relax and allow herself to bloom. Meet her half way and in return she will nurture and support her partner with her body and mind. She will exhale.
    It is the balance of complimentary roles that is needed, afterall…who needs 2 alpha males in a relationship?
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    I am a life coach and relationship coach. Reach out to book a session on WhatsApp 0833613255