THE CRACKED MIRROR In my business I get to meet so many amazing women. Beautiful women. Vivacious women. Accomplished women. Compassionate women.
And yet…they do not see themselves the way I see them. I could edit the most gorgeous photograph of one, poetry in motion. And you know what she will see? Tummy rolls. Like we are programmed to zoom in on our flaws, and disregard the positives.
Often women fail to see the bigger picture, and get stuck on their imperfections. And it is this habit that erodes our self esteem. We are trained to look for our flaws rather than focus on our strengths. We grow up deflecting compliments and staying humbled by the judgements of others. We internalise those judgements until our own inner critic is more brutal than anyone on the outside could ever be.
I am no different, I even resorted to plastic surgery in my 20’s. Despite the fact that I had so many amazing things going for me, I zeroed in on that one perceived flaw. And what followed was a disastrous sequence of events that affected my self esteem, my finances, my relationship, even my a ability to work.
What women do not realise is that they’re already the full package. And that the more we recognise our own gifts, the more gratitude and self appreciation will fill our lives and change it’s very course.
If you believed in yourself, what bold and brave choices might you make? How would you make love if you felt beautiful? What romantic partner would you seek if you felt worthy?
The way we see ourselves is what will shape our lives, and this applies to men as well, naturally. But the women…all tangled up in how society expects us to look, it’s a travesty and a tragedy. It’s an added layer of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it can poison your entire life. When I acknowledge the amount of self loathing that women live with, I wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.
So just for today, start a journal. Each morning write in it something you like about yourself.
Put a post it note on your mirror-“You are beautiful” Let’s shift the narrative. Let’s change our mindsets. We are enough.
And just for today, do something nice for yourself. A flower on your coffee tray, some bubbles in your bath. Because you are worthy. Start a pattern that will change your mindset day by day.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Once on the fringe of modern marriage, the tradition of Handfasting is starting to make a comeback as an alternative to traditional wedding ceremonies.
Handfasting is an ancient ritual from Celtic and Norse traditions, where the hands of the bride and groom were symbolically bound together in wedlock. A promise that lasted for a year and a day, with the option to renew or runl! Many people are unaware that our expression of ‘tying the knot’ comes from this pagan tradition. When a child was born the marriage would become permanent, providing more security for the woman and child.
While the core ritual of binding the hands remains, today’s ceremonies can include personal touches like using different colored ribbons to represent specific qualities or weaving cords from three strands to symbolize strength and unity.
In modern times, it is a welcome invitation to renew your vows every year. An invitation to put your best forward, or stay on your toes as the future is not promised. It never is, of course, but there is something to be said for having a deadline to work to, something that brings out the best in most of us! Also, a welcome opportunity to sit down and speak about the status of your relationship, where you are succeeding and what needs to be worked on. Something I believe most marriages lack, good communication, accountability and forward planning.
Many marriages go through cycles, or eras, where a different style might be required, as we shift from lovers to parents and then back to lovers (hopefully). So an annual relational summit seems like the ideal way to renegotiate the terms of an agreement that is subject to much change as we journey through life.
A more modern ceremonial alternative is the hand binding, where friends and relatives write wishes for the couple on ribbons. And each ribbon is read out during the ceremony as it is wrapped around the hands of the betrothed couple. A beautiful way to include everyone in the ceremony of tying the knot.
I was asked by my own daughter to perform a hand fasting ceremony for her wedding, and I’m so in love with the concept that I am offering my services for other couples desiring this style of wedding.
Handfasting is not legally recognized as a marriage in South Africa, as the law requires a civil or customary marriage to be performed by a marriage officer. However, couples can incorporate handfasting as a symbolic ceremony and have their marriage legally finalized by a marriage officer, which can be done before or after the handfasting ritual. You can get in touch with me for for information. WhatsApp 0833613255
Images by XO Photography Venue The Bohemian Guesthouse
Why do I teach pole, burlesque, the sensual arts? I don’t usually post pole dance on my life coaching page, but here is why;
It makes you strong, oh yes. But more importantly it creates a sisterhood. A safe space of non-judgement amongst women, which can be truly rare. A space of non-judgement towards yourself, even more rare.
That pole can be the most beautiful partner. One who is always there to dance with you. Holding you up, teaching you to appreciate your curves. Because pole dance or burlesque is not about men. We aren’t waiting for men to define beauty, we are defining it together, for ourselves.
It’s about women reclaiming their bodies, realising their fat rolls or stretch marks are testament to a unique life in perpetual motion, and part of the whole woman. Still sexy. Still beautiful. The story behind a life well lived. The story behind grief, despair, triumph, reclamation. Sovereignty.
You don’t have to be 20 and slim to love your body (but if you’re there I hope you do). You just need to let yourself feel the motion of your hips, lose yourself in the swing of the music, close your eyes and appreciate the jiggle. Say yes to yourself, to your body, to your sensuality.
Dancing in ecstacy has no age limit, no waist size, It’s an invitation to let yourself go. To look inwards and feel your womb, feel your power, feel your vulnerability. Feel it all. . The shift you need isn’t about toning your body. It’s about learning how to express ecstasy and love in the body that you showed up in today. The body that carried your children or survived your last relationship disaster. Her. She.
It’s about choosing you, seeing you, embracing the hot mess and finding beauty in the chaos of your imperfect perfection. It’s about embracing you.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
We live in a society that is becoming more permissive with each passing year. Sex and violence on TV, each MTV video trying to out-do the last one. Women gyrating and tequila flowing.
Should we try to censor these sexual things? These substances ? In certain spaces absolutely. In adult spaces, less. And in specially designed spaces perhaps not at all. Driving something underground does not make it go away, it makes it unregulated…dangerous.
But what I’m seeing is this dialogue about women inciting lust. That the responsibility of a man’s behaviour lies with the female. But woman’s bodies have long been the centre of lust; a woman can wear a burka and still be the object of a man’s fantasy. She could be wearing a stained flannel nightie and still be forced to do sexual things unwillingly. A baby can be wearing a nappy and still be the object of desire to a certain kind of man. A child on the playground, hanging upside down on the jungle gym can fall prey too. Similarly a woman who is drunk or high might become the target of a certain type of man. Or a performer on a stage, or sexily dressed females at a club, or a woman simply walking down the road. But in all of these situations, lust is in the eye (and heart) of the beholder. The man gets to choose how he responds to these stimuli.
Some men will gaze at a child with innocent joy, others might love them ‘too much’ an unnatural twisting of the urge for intimacy. Nobody ever raped a baby because it was wearing sexy shoes. Something else was going on in the minds of these men.
A performer on a stage, or a girl in a sassy outfit is not asking for sex any more than that child is. Men are not animals. We need to stop treating them as such. They have a frontal lobe, they are capable of logical thought and decision making. We need to stop making them out to be illogical beasts burdened with testosterone and desire. Right, guys?
But some men are predators. If a woman is heartbroken, or drunk, she becomes fair game. If she is provocatively dressed, she is keen. And if not she can be rufied. Some men seem to like their women unconscious. This is criminal behaviour and not the responsibility of the woman or child.
A woman who is under the influence is in danger of being taken advantage of. A man under the influence is not. Will he protect her or become part of the problem?
My point is this: men are capable of self control, and women (or children) should not need to live in fear of them losing this control. Men need to re-think the entitlement they feel towards women’s bodies. There are spaces where women can dress in skimpy clothing, like the beach, the stage or a festival, and it does not mean they are inciting lust. It does not mean they are looking for sex. It does not mean they are dressing to impress any man. It’s not about him at all. It’s about her enjoying her body, expressing herself and feeling beautiful. And if he is really desperate, he can switch on that adult channel. There are appropriate places he can go to relieve himself. Spaces that are regulated and safe for the men and the consenting women involved.
We need to stop blaming the victim. We need to stop blaming other women for inciting lust. We need to start working on why some men feel entitled to take what is not theirs, what is not freely given. And if you’re not sure if it’s been freely given, zip up big boy. If she is crying, grieving, sleeping or under the influence, go and whack that pointy thing on the door frame, dude. Safety and intimacy are different to sex. If she is slow dancing with you, or crying in your shoulder, that is not consent, it’s vulnerability. Be a good guy.
Women do not incite lust, and most men can appreciate a woman while still keeping it in their pants. If you’re not one of them, you need to re-think the your ideas about women and their bodies. And if you’re a woman who believes a victim is responsible for the crime, you need to examine your thoughts too.
We live in a society where women need to be protected from men, and that is a huge problem. Men are not animals. But if they choose to behave like one, the consequences should be harsh. Self control and rational thought are what make us human, and humanity has a long way to go.
So stop the slut shaming and start asking why women are being policed and blamed for crimes committed by predators. Our bodies are sovereign, and women alone have the rights to them.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
I read a post this morning about ageing, and all the traditional ideas women have swallowed for years about it.
Historically, women are made to feel irrelevant as they age. Men get ‘sexy’. They get gray hair, they’re the silver foxes. We’re just…OLD. The crones, our time is up. We’re done with our baby making years, our primary purpose for being. And when we’re done with that at 40, there’s nothing left for us.
But the women I know are only just starting to live! We’re reclaiming this as our enchantress phase, and connecting to our wild woman. Were finally free from rearing our families and getting our groove back. Women don’t want to talk about being a midlifer because that means there’s no place for them. They’re not wanted. So, it’s about us women reclaiming that narrative, and changing the way we’re seen throughout the entirety of our life. It was never about our looks, it was only made to seem that way. Whatever your age, claim your magic and grow into your path. It is a privilege to age, to have wisdom and experience makes us valuable. So be an icon for younger women.
Women are aging beautifully because they are taking care of themselves. I know many older women who are in their prime and styling life. Many men on the other hand are not! Fat bellies, bald heads and “old mentality.” They are quick to critisize but slow to look at themselves in the mirror. Older women are embracing their sexuality, free from the constraints of fertility. Sometimes, it’s the older men who are no longer sexually appealing. But no one ever noticed, because men are not judged by their looks to the same extent. They have been chasing around younger women to tap into our fountain of youth. But today’s women… we are noticing and some are looking for younger companions too. The tables have been reversing.
Things are no longer what they were, and women are rising. So take the focus off how you look and poor your female energies into creating something beautiful. Pick a project today, it could be something within yourself, or to uplift something outside of yourself. You have the power of creation at your fingertips and it’s time to birth something new.
My name is Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach I am a life coach and relationship coach, a traditional doctor and I can support you holistically on your journey. WhatsApp inquires 0833613255
NEVER SHOW A MAN YOUR BOOBS & YOUR BRAIN AT THE SAME TIME!
Unless you want him to bust out in a sweat, springs and cogs bursting out of his ears, that is! Society has created a lot of broken toys. But this isn’t just about men. I have a lot of experience in this area, life-long experience, and it’s been showing up a lot in the reactions I get to my writing. It’s called cognitive dissonance, and it makes people feel quite uncomfortable. Let me explain: Cognitive dissonance is when you expect to feel one way about something, but find yourself feeling something different. This is partly because we use stereotypes to take mental shortcuts, it’s easier than assessing each person or situation from scratch.
So when you meet a pretty blonde, you might be really amazed that she loves to mountain climb (if you bothered to ask). Or when you meet a tattooed biker, it might confuse you that he loves to cook. Models? Naturally stupid of course! But here’s the thing, that woman on your Facebook in her tiny bikini on the pole might actually be a doctor, just enjoying the freedom and body positivity of pole fitness. (While your mind went straight to stripper)
So when we meet people we tend to put them in a box, especially women. We make a lot of assumptions based on their clothing, their face, their body or how they show up in our social media feed. And we expect them to behave according to the labels we assigned to them.
But here’s the thing…Just because she is in touch with her body or her sensuality, does not mean she is issuing invitations. And this is where the confusion, or cognitive dissonance can get ugly. The slut won’t chat to you in her DMs, so you send her a rude message after your first sleazy attempts fail. (Hey, WUD?….Hey, nice pussy…. Honey I think I love you…FU bitch, nobody wants you anyway). Except maybe she isn’t what you perceived her to be, and you’re the problem? I have lived some of these. Hell, I have put out an ad for yoga instructor training and gotten a dick pic in reply to the advert, even where there was no sexy photo!
So why does this keep happening? You get 3 types of people, in my experience.
Those who embrace the surprising truth. They think it’s cool that you can have a degree and be a model.
Those who will ignore anything that doesn’t fit their framework. (The one they put you in without letting you know about it.) These people will scroll past faster than you can spin the wheel of fortune.
And then lastly you get those who will have a reaction. They might get curious, and pick up the phone or send you a message wanting to know more about what you do. And when this happens everybody learns something. You learn how you are perceived by others, they will need to get that lecture off their chest. And then if you’re not too offended to carry on with the conversation they will learn how their judgements were out of place.*
*But then there’s the other side of that coin, the knee jerk reaction. Sometimes it seems like nothing enrages a man more than a sexy photo paired with a well written article about relationships or women’s wellness. Or a woman who loves that you are a mermaid but is completely shocked when you grow legs and climb a pole (I didn’t sign up for this. I’m unfollowing you.) The cognitive dissonance can be immense and extremely upsetting for some people. Men, particularly the ones who ‘know’ what roles a woman should play in society, will start to lash out if you don’t conform to certain roles. Madonna, maiden, mother, whore, crone…you know the stereotypes I’m speaking of. To step out of these boundaries placed on women by the patriarchy can be anathema to these guys. The burlesque dancer with a PhD. The model with the import business. The pretty blonde with her own mansion on the hill. Self-made women, outspoken women, independent women who somehow are expected to look and act like men because of their many talents and skills. Or quite simply the older woman who is still sexy and vibrant instead of knowing her place as expired milk, because ageing is a sin on social media. (I have received this particular insult, somebody didn’t get enough breast feeding I suspect).
We all know we cannot please everyone, and some of us will still try. But ladies, you are more than your boob job! Your body does not define you. Neither does your face, it’s merely a trick of nature. So wear the outfit, even if it does raise eyebrows. Dye your hair, take the course, book the solo plane ticket. Because only you get to decide how you are going to live your life. Don’t try to live it for other people, most are unsatisfiable. Express yourself and be authentically you, because the world needs to hear your message. And other women need to see women living their lives unapologetically and free. Become the wild woman that you were intended to be, and your tribe will find you.
This is your solemn duty to the evolution of womankind. And as for your dude, find one who supports this personal growth, not one who keeps you in that damn box. Find friends who cheer for you, support you and show up for you. There is a reason that woman’s gatherings have been banned throughout the centuries, and it is this. These women will be your tribe, and together you will rise.
I am a traditional doctor, life coach & wellness coach. You can book an appointment on WhatsApp 0833613255
What type of love are you looking for? The convenient type, where you need somebody to rebound on? The let’s-keep-it-casual-use-and-abuse kinda hookup? Or the mind blowing soul shaking head over heels ride of your life?
Many people have asked me how to bag their guy or gal, and my answer is generally to be the most authentic version of you (otherwise you’ll run into problems when your halo slips, dear). The other thing is this: Focus on attracting your mate and not chasing them. Performance, sure, but being-your-authentic-self kinda performance. Play to your strengths, don’t just make shit up to impress. In fact, don’t upload your best pics onto Hinge, let’s keep it real so the dude actually recognises you when you meet for coffee!
And then be honest with yourself before you start chasing somebody who is not asking you out, ladies. If he’s not asking you out, he’s not that into you. Sure you can ask him out, but if there is stalling, or ghosting after your big date, it’s time to move along, missy.
If he’s not calling you, he is sending you a message all the same. He is not that into you. Or he’s a game player and you’ll never be sure where you stand with him. And that doesn’t sound like that soul shaking love that you are craving, now does it? More like a power play with Pina Colada flavoured condoms.
So you got your hair did, fixed your lashes and skipped buying a new dress because your budget just went up in flames. You showed up to that date a thousand bucks poorer, and he asked you to split the bill? Let me tell you a secret, sweetheart… If he’s not romancing you, he’s not that into you. Why are you going all out to impress when he can’t even stick you for a Wimpy burger?
Or maybe you’ve been dating a while and he’s not having sex with you like he used to? Well maybe his interest is lying elsewhere. Or perhaps he is so secure in his relationship with you that he decided he didn’t need to make an effort in the bedroom anymore? Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me! If intimacy isn’t replacing the romance, he’s got one foot out the door honey.
And if he’s cheating, well read the above paragraph again, sis. Does he really think he has enough energy, or charm, to keep two women happy? Or is it only his own happiness that he is concerned about? Because let’s face it, you can skip from one honeymoon phase to the next, or juggle three at a time (no wonder he needs you to split the bill), or you can stay when things get tough and apply that same effort to your current relationship. And don’t get me started on the dishonesty, how do you build a strong foundation on lies?
If you’re his drunken booty call, friends with benefits is probably all its ever gonna be, babe. If you’re starting off in friendship jail, chances are very slim that you’re in for an upgrade. So unless you’re down with being a placeholder, lose his number!
So he’s not into marriage … Is that because he is a modern man who can still provide safety and security for the woman he loves, without the constraints of religion? Or is it because he’s an emotionally bankrupt manchild who needs you around for his dopamine hit and a speedy exit? But not for co-creating a life together? Hmm… Not so mysterious and lone wolf now, is he?
If he breaks up (and then makes up) with you for the slightest issue, he’s not that into you hun. He is manipulating you to get his way, or just using you as a convenience. So if you’re wanting true love, one that can weather the storms and catch you when you fall, this ain’t it.
So you had a perfect night out and an even better shag.. but now he seems to have lost your number? Disappearing on you is all the answer you need, queen. He no longer values you. It’s a tough one, but chasing after him will only make him drop his opinion of you further. It’s one of those double standards that women will experience in the dating game, and it’s totally rude and unfair. But no less true, so adjust your crown and book your yoni steam, because that one was a slave to the patriarchy.
Or if he’s married or unavailable – he’s definitely not that into you in any meaningful way. Also, he’s not that into HER either. But plenty into himself, so perhaps it’s time to raise your standards and find someone who only has eyes for you. You are worth so much more than this, so call back your energy and invest it in your own happiness.
And that brings me to the selfish jerk, you know, that guy who only has time for himself and only does what pleases him? Doesn’t sound like a future to me? Or perhaps a very lonely and unfilled one. With no quality time now and no common ground to share later.
Or how about the one who becomes a bully when he doesn’t get his way… Please remember your wants and needs are important too. And if he is bullying you for sex, your sacred NO is more important than anything else. You don’t need to stand for bad behaviour or coersion. Stand in your power and don’t let the door hit him on the way out.
And that brings me to the really big freak! Let’s face it, people get bored, and sometimes plain wierd when they get older, especially without a partner to keep them accountable. If he’s asking to share you with someone else, he’s not that into you. And if he’s trying to twist your arm to do some wierd sexual shit…just run, hun. You never have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. So if toe sucking isn’t your thing, send him off to fetish.com and be done with him. (Yes, it’s a real dating site, no I don’t have a problem with it.) Not everyone is compatible where it counts the most. So that’s a great way to find your kinky match without making your vanilla partner squirm in her boots, dude. Because that kind of pressure is just not cool.
So if it’s lip trembling, knee shaking, soul affirming love you’re after, take a good look at what you’re putting out there. Attract your mate to the qualities you naturally possess and cut out the fake. And then keep your standards high, know your worth and don’t accept anything less.
I am a Holistic Life Coach, Relationship Coach and Wellness Coach based in Joburg, SA. I specialise in working with women, empowering them to reach their wildest potential. Whether it’s insight into your love life or a personal wellness goal you need to reach, I’m there for you every step of the way. And if your a guy, you’re welcome too 😊
Most of us have heard about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we link it to war veterans and victims of physical violence. But the truth is that this type of trauma response is not just linked to war, you could be experiencing trauma in your own home that could be causing a lesser known stress disorder. It’s called CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and differs from PTSD primarily in its cause. CPTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma like long-term abuse, whereas PTSD typically follows a single or limited, acute traumatic event like a car crash. So that recurring psychosis your boyfriend gets from smoking weed, or the angry outbursts your dad gets from too much alcohol can affect you in a similar way. Clinically, CPTSD includes all PTSD symptoms plus additional clusters related to emotion regulation, self-perception, and interpersonal relationships. What this means is that not only will you experience symptoms of PTSD, you will have other emotions to deal with too. With PTSD you might experience flashbacks, intrusive thoughts or nightmares, which can be extremely disturbing. You will try to avoid reminders of the trauma you experienced, like driving, or avoid the feelings it brings up, even avoid thinking about it entirely. It can leave you feeling edgy and irritable a lot of the time, and your nervous system will be constantly on high alert for recurring danger. You become the world’s worst passenger.
With CPTSD, you might experience all of these things, plus 3 more areas of difficulty. When trauma is long term or inescaple, from childhood abuse or domestic violence, you will be left struggling to regulate your nervous system. You will be living in fight or flight mode. Your emotions will be intense, and you might feel as if you are walking on egg shells as soon as the front door opens at night. Over time, long term abuse will alter the way you see yourself, and could leave you with a negative self image. You might embody feelings of worthlessness and shame, taking on the blame yourself, or feeling embarassed about what is happening to you.
In the context of your outside relationships, you might struggle to trust and connect to people, which will affect your ability to maintain stable relationships.The very thing that you need to help you heal.
So if your home life or love life is leaving you feeling broken or damaged, it’s time to make a change. It might not be possible to make a clean break from the one who is traumatizing you, but the first step is to recognise that you are worthy of so much more than this. Try some meditation or positive visualisations, there are many free apps you can use. Begin practicing self love, start with little rituals like picking a flower for yourself, or taking a long bath with bubbles. Nurture your inner child.
Start taking steps to regulate your nervous system, like breathwork and yoga. Take some walks, spend time in nature bare foot, and find somebody to talk to. This could be a friend, teacher or counselor. There are free services available if you need them.
And slowly make your exit plans, save some money, get employed, start a new hobby and improve your support system. Starting over might seem scary, but it’s your chance to build something better this time.
So make your plans, breathe in your courage and exhale knowing you’ve got this. Happiness is an inside job, so start there and watch yourself bloom and outgrow your current situation. You deserve more. You are worthy. You are enough.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Ladies, my posts are for YOU. I spend a good amount of time deleting any unwanted male energy from my profile. So why the sexy images? If you are triggered by these, let me tell you my story.
I was an awkward child, shy and without many friends. If my one and only friend skipped primary school, I would sit alone at break and read my book. I still love reading today, and it has made my journey as an author so much easier too
When I got to high school, I decided a re-brand was in order. I forced myself to come out of my shell, I made as many friends as I could, and I learned how to speak to boys. And you know what happened? The boys liked me too much, and the girls became competitive, bitchy, insecure (let’s face it). Rumours, accusations, even threats of physical violence. Jeez I hated high school! Women are taught at a young age to hate on other women, to slut shame other women, simply because some dude thinks they are pretty or interesting.
I started modelling at 16, mostly to improve my self esteem. My parents did not understand what I was trying to do, “fake it till you make it”, ya know what I mean? So they weren’t very supportive and there was a lot of criticism. My mother would continually tell me that beauty comes from inside. And she was right, of course, in her own way. At the end of the day we need to focus on our inner selves as well. Find a balance, and the path to self appreciation.
But here’s the thing, I got the psychology degree, the 2 kids, the divorce because I didn’t play small. I got the life coaching diploma, the pole dancing studio, the yoga qualifications. As women we need to come back to wholeness. To self love. To balance. Integrating the yin and the yang. Pole dance and burlesque really helped me with self love and appreciation. The kind you can’t get from the outside. From your bored husband or your wandering boyfriend. Yes, beauty is on the inside, and learning self love is the greatest journey you will ever embark on. But woman have been taught to suppress their sensuality, their goddess energy. To bow under the judgement of others and douse their inner fire.
Even as an adult, there is pressure to play it down. But being a safe woman does not mean being a small woman. Be out there, by all means, just don’t take someone else’s husband along for the ride! And ladies, we are here to support each other and Iift each other up. There should not be competition between strong, or wild women. This woman does not need your man. And let’s be real here for a second. You cannot steal a man who is not willing to be stolen, unless you brought your cable ties and duct tape.
Women are not just maidens, mothers, whores, crones. We are ALL of these things. And to be a highly functioning woman, a fully integrated embodiment of the divine feminine, we need to embrace all of these aspects of ourselves. Honour our bodies and our needs in a relationship that sees us in all our aspects, or in our sovereign single state.
So if my posts are provoking an uncomfortable reaction in you, perhaps we could chat about how to integrate these more sensual aspects into your psyche. How to embrace all that you can be, and stop playing small. You are not just somebody’s girlfriend, somebody mother. You are not a washed up ok crone. You are an enchantress, a goddess full of life and love. Do not apologise for your roar, lioness.
I am a life coach and relationship coach. You can book a session on WhatsApp 0833613255
Candice Baker Life Coach 