Tag: authenticity

BEING A ‘SAFE’ WOMAN

Being a ‘safe’ woman is not about how you dress. Its about the choices that you make.

We’ve all been there, faced with a relationship choice and unsure whether to go for it or run the other way?

There are obviously some predatory females out there, but I think most of us consider ourselves to be ‘safe’ women. Women who won’t wreck your relationship or chase after your husband.

But where do these boundaries lie, we are all different afterall?

If he is married, that would seem to be a natural boundary. But when he says he is miserable, his wife doesn’t want him anymore, or he is filing for divorce…what then?
From the benefit of my experience, I would say the answer should be a NO. But I wasn’t always this sure, and it took a very bad experience to form this revised opinion.

Or even less clear, when is it ok to date your friend’s ex?
Never?
Or does it depend on how serious they were, or how long ago they were together. Are ex boyfriends ok? Are ex husband’s a hard NO?

For me, one of these moments happened after I separated from my husband.
I met somebody in my yoga class who was separated from his wife, too, albeit unwillingly. She had moved overseas a year before, a place he didn’t want to go to. And he was left here, pining and broken and confused about what happened to his marriage. We connected over our misery, and helped each other through a difficult time. Things happened between us, and I felt truly seen and validated for the first time in years. A broken marriage can be a very lonely place, but I felt terrible because I was friendly with his wife.
Oh there were factors at play, he was suicidal and I was trying to help him, and in the process I lost myself. Because I was vulnerable too, and on some level helping him made me feel wanted and useful and brought some companionship and happiness to my life.
And the fact that she had moved overseas without him, with no intention to live in SA anymore made me believe their marriage was going nowhere good.
And then in classic rebound style I fell head over heels. I thought I was in love, but it was only chemicals. I see that now.

He would’ve been totally wrong for me going forward.
In the end he did try to kill himself, and ended up in hospital despite my support. And when his furious wife found out about us she flew back to serve him with divorce papers and confront me. They didn’t end up getting that divorce at the time. Maybe she needed somebody else to want him, in order to realise she still wanted him too. And as for him, he dropped me like a hot cake, and it was devastating.

I’m not proud of this moment of weakness, but even then I would’ve done anything to keep him. And the main source of my shame is this;
I have always considered myself to be a safe woman, one who would never take your husband, even if you didn’t want him anymore. Even if you were living in different countries for a year. And yet I did.
I believed it was over between them after so much time, but I was wrong. I believed it was over for my ex, but I was wrong.
My own loneliness and despair had me in full survival mode. And in trying to save him I lost myself. I was drowning, all the while trying to keep him afloat. We flew too high, we crashed, we burned. I hurt people. I hurt myself. And him? Well he went running back to his estranged wife.

So now this shame sits with me, and the guilt sometimes still seeps into my mind when I least expect it. Even though I have done the work, even though I have learned some lessons, even though we were not close friends.

So here are some things I have learned along the way.
*Do not believe a man when he says it’s over with his wife, those loyalties run deep.
*Do not get involved with a man who is still conflicted about his wife/ ex wife. People need time to process and heal.
*Never date somebody who is separated, rather wait till things are finalised.
*Do not start dating when you are still vulnerable from a break up yourself, because you cannot make good decisions yet.
*Never get involved with a friend’s ex, it will hurt everybody in some way. Ok, maybe if it was a casual fling, you could ask her about it, but she may say yes and then still resent you for it. And you might end up losing that friend even though she gave you the green light.

*No, just because you licked it (20 years ago) doesn’t mean it’s yours.
*Take time after a break-up to figure out who you are. Which pieces of yourself to discard and which ones to get back.

In the case of failed relationships, I think communication is key if your friendship is valuable to you. And I think this goes both ways. I wouldn’t worry too much about an acquaintance, I guess.
But if you are friends, ask her. Tell her you fancy an ex of hers. Tell her you wouldn’t make a choice that would harm your friendship.
And in return, she needs to be honest. She needs to say if there are still unresolved feelings on her part.
And whether it would be weird for her to socialise with her ex, or to see you together. And if she doesn’t tell you her true feelings then the friendship will probably end, even if it’s not your fault.

But most importantly, wait for those divorce papers. Up till that point he could change his mind or she might decide to take him back. It’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a final dissolution of the marriage, and anything before that is interfering. Because marriage is hard, and they might still find one another again.

And if she’s not a friend, but they are married, I would say the same. Sure, you don’t owe her anything, afterall you don’t even know her. And he is the one that said those wedding vows to her, not you.

But…you just might be taking a child’s dad away from them, or ruining another woman’s marriage that she might have been hoping to save. Or you might run the risk of getting very hurt yourself, as you are actually shacking up with a liar.

Because trust me, you might know about his wife, but chances are she doesn’t know about you. So don’t be too surprised when he lies to you too, at the end of the day.

You can’t build a strong relationship on shaky foundations. You might be in survival mode, and he might be too, but it’s never going to be a great relationship if it is poised on the wreckage of his old one. And if he doesn’t take time to heal, you’re in for a whole lot of baggage, sis.

So here’s a hot tip 🔥
If you’re having to keep your relationship a secret from your friends, it’s not a good relationship.

Period.