If you wanted to lose weight, you would. If you wanted to stop alcohol, you would. If you wanted to get fit, you would. If you wanted to quit weed, you would.
Perhaps not all at once, but in increments. So will it be another excuse, or will you create the opportunity for change within yourself?
The trick is to get started. Take the first step. Make a promise to yourself, set a goal and then honour that promise.
It really is all about your mindset. Be there for YOU. Self care is your own responsibility.
Get in touch with me for an eating plan, holistic wellness coaching or an exercise program that will suit your lifestyle. For functional herbs, mushrooms, cacao. Smoothie options.
It’s not about the beach body, it’s about a lifestyle change to support the only body you have. It’s about improving your mindset, sleep and happiness. It all starts with you, me and the Bohemia Holistic Apothecary.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
“Your most aligned life is crafted-element by element.”
KICKING THE HABIT Research has shown that addictions need to be looked at sociologically. Building strong and positive relationships and having an enriching environment will be the medicine you need to kick the habit. It’s a journey, and you need to focus on the process of working through the stages rather than judging yourself based on outcomes.
There are some tried and tested steps that can help you towards recovery. Most importantly, ask for help. Reach out to a friend or somebody you admire. Join an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (they can help you with gambling and drug addictions too), or find a sharing circle. And if this is happening to somebody you love, you can get support too. (I’ll cover this in my next article).
Step 1: Honesty Addiction causes a level of denial that can be quite challenging for onlookers to believe. No matter how much people push someone into recovery, unless they accept that there’s a problem, overcoming it is almost impossible. You’ll need to be honest with yourself about the level of your dependence on substances, and what lengths you’re willing to go to to get a fix. Not everybody can drink responsibly. You’ll need to admit that you are powerless over drugs or alcohol. Once you admit that it’s in control of you and not the other way around, you can get started.
Step 2: Faith Figure out your WHY Why did you become addicted. WHY do you need to change your behaviour? WHY do you need to turn your life around?
If you are able to accept that there is a higher power in the universe, this can help keep you on track. If you want God, or any higher power, to act on your behalf, it’s imperative that you believe it can. Accepting a higher power helps you to see life from a different perspective and creates a sense of accountability.
If you are an atheist or agnostic, learn about other philosophies such as stoicism or Buddhism, or find a person who can guide you and hold you accountable. Accountability is key.
Step 3: Surrender Welcome a higher power into your life by surrendering fully to a higher purpose. When people feel like their lives lack purpose and meaning, free will can run wild and lead you down dark pathways. Choosing a higher purpose helps you focus on the true meaning within your life so you can feel like a valuable member of society again. You could pick a charity, join a rotary club or get involved in some community work.
Step 4: Soul Searching Soul searching is a process, just like recovery. There is no single moment that defines healing. Instead, it’s a culmination of intentions and actions that lead you down the right path. Soul searching involves looking objectively inwards at yourself. When we’re caught up in addiction, our intentions can end up severely misaligned from how we behave. Most people have good intentions, that can get lost as your addiction interferes. Soul searching will help you become the person you want to be.
Step 5: Integrity Most of the people who don’t succeed in recovery struggle most with this step. One of the hardest things in life is being honest about things that make us appear vulnerable in front of other people. However, the more you learn to speak your truth, unfiltered, the more you’ll get from the recovery process. Accept that expressing your feelings is normal, and that honesty about setbacks and negative thoughts have a better chance of being conquered if you share them.
Step 6: Acceptance Addiction is often underpinned by low self-esteem and a negative opinion of yourself. Once you learn to accept that everyone has both good traits and bad characteristics, it’ll be easier to accept yourself. Sometimes, the hardest aspect of acceptance is letting go of the painful stories we tell ourselves about the past. Forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done may get to the root of the addicition. Once you accept your history, you can start telling yourself new, happy stories about your future. Focusing on moving forward, setting goals and obtaining the skills necessary to achieve them will keep you on the right path, and you’ll be free of addiction for good.
Step 7: Humility Antisocial behavior, such as using drugs or withdrawing from peers, often stems from a confused sense of self. Be humble, be open and willing to accept help. Take an interest in the people around you and accept help from them. Thank about it, don’t let pride stand in the way of your recovery. The more people you have in your corner, the easier it will be to stay on track. Being an addict might feel embarassing, but people are more understanding than you think. Taking the wrong actions as a result of your addiction is a lot more embarassing, you’ll need help to keep you from messing up. When you let go and ask for help, you relieve a huge weight of pressure from your life. Whether it’s your religion or cultivating a supportive friend group, learn to lean in. There is no shame in receiving support on your journey.
Step 8: Willingness to make amends Write a list of the people you’ve harmed and ponder carefully over your past actions. Instead of feeling guilty or wallowing in emotion, think of ideas to make amends. Rather than seeing this as a check-box exercise, genuinely show a willingness to repair the relationships you have broken. Take positive steps to connect with these people, say sorry, and explain the journey you have undertaken.
Step 9: Forgiveness If there are people in your past who have caused you pain or trauma or hurt you in any way, now is the time to let go. Resentment isn’t constructive for the mind. In fact, it breeds the type of feelings that make you more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol. Letting go of bad feelings — even if they’re aimed at people who do bad things — frees the soul. You could have a conversation with these people, write them a letter, even burn it rather than post it. Whatever works to get those feelings out in the open and stop spiralling inwards with these negative emotions.
Step 10: Maintenance Quitting an addiction is a long game. Throughout the entire process, you’ll be required to check back with yourself. Be totally honest with yourself about progress so that you can move forward. Remind yourself of your WHY, to help you stay on track. Look at your past slip-ups and put processes in place to make sure you don’t get caught again. Build a strategy that works for you.
Step 11: Making Contact Reach out to your higher power to find out what it’s purpose for you is. Or connect to your inner God/ Goddess and feel into what your calling could be. Everyone has a gift in life; no matter what it is, there’s something you can offer the world. When you’re working toward this purpose is when you’ll feel happiest.
Step 12: Service Service is all about action. This stage is about giving back. For the rest of your life, apply everything you have learned on this journey to help you build a brighter future for yourself. Help others, take somebody under your wing, serve and protect your family and friends. Mentor someone, uplift someone, share your gifts with the world. Building strong morals and supporting those around you will make you a pillar of strength in your family, friend group or community.
When I was studying psychology, I spent time volunteering at alcohol rehab clinics, assisting in the group therapy. I learned so many things in that time. At the end of the day, the only way to quit a habit is to QUIT. For once and for all, QUIT. No more excuses or bargaining. Stand resolute in your decision. This is your time to shine, to feel gratitude to those who have traveled with you through your darkest moments, and to give back. Show them what you are made of and stick to your chosen course through this life. It’s your life, and it’s time to move forward and embrace all the positive experiences that you will create through this process.
I am a life coach and wellness coach. You can send me a WhatsApp to book a session on 0833613255
I believe most of us have dated or lived with an addict at some point, and I am no exception. I thought I would share a little on this topic, based on my personal experience and on the group therapy I used to facilitate at a rehab a few years back.
If you are loving someone with any addiction, it can become increasingly difficult to believe what they say.
They will say whatever they need to say to keep you, but with no follow through. Because the addiction will always win.
Addicts have become VERY skilled at manipulation, because that’s the only way they can keep you locked in.
They will string you along, promise to do better. Even tell you to leave as some sort of test to see if they can manipulate you further.
They will love bomb you, apologise, but they are only going through the motions, buying time.
Wasting your life.
Let that sink in.
There’s no conviction or belief on their part that they need to quit for themselves. They will say anything to keep you quiet for a while, promise to quit for you, but that never sticks for long. Addiction isn’t only past trauma or unresolved emotions. There’s a lot of entitlement and at the core of it is the addiction itself. Addicts expect you to deal with their mood swings, to not FEEL their bad behaviour (because they don’t) and to forgive their constant slips no matter how hurtful that might have been. You are expected to ‘sober up’ as they do, and move forward as if nothing has happened.
There are sometimes genetics that pre-disposes them to this.
And yes, there will be some good times, but the painful times will out-weigh them eventually.
If you are with an addict, they don’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve a partner who may have redeeming qualities and great potential, but is caught up in something that is way bigger than the both of you. It’s like having a third person in your relationship.
Addiction is something that certainly has them in its claws, choking the life out of you both. YOU cannot love them enough for them to recognize they need to fix whatever it is. It’s a compulsion and it’s nothing you can fix, not even standing right next to them, waiting for them to WAKE UP.
Sometimes you have to love them enough to let go.
I have been in relationships with addicts. Substance abuse well hidden at first, and then more obvious as the problems start to unfold.
The deflection (I’m so stressed).
The accusation (you are always upset with me)
The denial (you need to change the way you respond to my {horrendous, abusive, insensitive, alcoholic} behaviour).
The empty promises (I can change)
I used to think I was smart enough, loving enough, committed enough, to help the addict sleeping in my bed. I had all the tools afterall.
Perhaps underneath it all I didn’t recognize there were parts of me that didn’t believe in me -so I settled.
I called it committed.
I didn’t want to have to start over and risk making a bad choice again. I didn’t want to have to go from man to man to learn what I wanted and what I deserved.
I just wanted to work on this one relationship, because we were good enough together when his non-drinking personality would shine through.
But it became harder each time to bounce back.
It was easier to work on him than to work on myself, to work on the reason why I could not be the safety I was seeking… the love I was looking for, instead of searching for it in somebody else.
Trust me, living with an addict is not going to be worth the wait. Your nervous system is telling you to run. Your heart is screaming at you. Your gut is twisting when you hear their car come down the driveway.
Because they may not be abusing you, but the uncertainty of which version will walk through that door will send your nervous system into a spiral.
Learn to listen to your own intuition and just walk away before you lose more years of your life to someone else’s addiction.
Living this way can poison your outlook on life and make you so angry. It’s not fair to your kids or yourself. This person doesn’t deserve your love and everything you bring to the relationship.
He won’t get the best of you either, there will be a lot of resentment and disappointment going around.
There were stalemates followed by increasingly desperate measures, and in the end I was so tired of everything.
Tired of trying again, tired of bouncing back, tired of trying to repair the latest damage done.
And when he senses that, there will just be more empty promises, laced with disrespect, cruelty, control and manipulation when the tactics stop working. More desperation.
He may love you but he loves his addiction more. And that’s the thing with addicts.
So if you are in a relationship with an addict, save yourself now. Before the sun sets, start making plans to move on. You won’t feel good about it now, and being lonely and by yourself will make you feel vulnerable.
Create new routines to take care of yourself.
Go to counseling.
You both will need to.
Practice self love.
Start a new hobby.
Take a break from romantic relationships, time to grieve and process.
And your partner? They might level up on their own terms, or they might just replace you with someone else. Somebody easier where they don’t have to do the work.
But you?
Stick to your standards.
You’re worth more than this.
Don’t be afraid to start over and create something better this time.
You can book a life coaching session with me, if you would like some help. Your life doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s never too late to start over.
Candice Baker Life Coach 