Candice Baker Life Coach

Tag: abuse

  • When Is Enough, Enough?

    WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH?

    Sure, every relationship has its challenges. This can become more highlighted over the holidays, with spending too much time together, or feeling disappointed by a lack of attentiveness over the festive season. But when is enough, enough?
    When does trivial irritation become toxic? There can be a lot of victim blaming at the end of the line, and perhaps both partners become the victim in some way. Some relationships fizzle out peacefully, while others become toxic and explosive.

    And how do we react to these stressors? The truth is that when a relationship becomes toxic or abusive, your body is programmed to protect itself. If you are under verbal or physical attack, you are eventually going to respond, no matter how you may try to stay calm.

    This is because every nervous system has its limits, and once reached something has to give. Whether it’s fight, flight or freeze will depend on your wiring, your trauma and your situation.

    These are automatic, instinctive stress responses that prepare your body to survive a perceived threat, involving physical reactions like increased heart rate (fight/flight) or going still/numb (freeze) as your nervous system mobilizes for action or shutdown. It’s often seen in anxiety or trauma but was once useful in genuine danger. (And still can be).

    More recently another response has been added: Fawning.
    Let me break these down, you’re bound to recognise one in yourself.
    Fight: Preparing to confront the threat, potentially through aggression, arguing, or physical struggle.
    Flight: Instinct to escape or run from the danger by putting distance between yourself and the threat.
    Freeze: Feeling stuck, numb, or unable to move or speak, your body goes rigid, which can help you hide or assess the danger.
    Fawn: Trying to appease or please the threat to avoid conflict, often seen in trauma. 

    When you feel under attack, a number of factors come in to play physiologically.
    -Your amygdala becomes triggered in your brain.
    -Your heart rate and breathing speed up to deliver oxygen for your body to perform at is best.
    -Your muscles tense and prepare for action.
    -Your pupils dilate, hearing sharpens, and peripheral vision increases to assist you.
    -Your blood is redirected to major muscles, making your hands/feet cold and even clammy, and your clotting factors increase. 

    Your body is an incredibly smart survival machine, and this all happens automatically. Although you are unlikely to be chased by a bear these days, it will still be triggered by genuine danger or by non-threatening situations if you have experienced trauma or have anxiety disorders.

    So an argument with your partner can lead to over stimulation and overactivity of the amygdala (that primitive part of your brain that is trying to keep you safe), and set all these physiological responses in motion.

    Perhaps you are being victimised at work?
    You are unlikely to punch your boss in the face, or run out of the boardroom. You are most likely to freeze or fawn. But over time, if the victimisation continues you will probably walk out, or hand in your notice quietly and never go back.

    Perhaps you are in a toxic romantic relationship?
    You might become emotionally distant over time, to guard yourself from the pain being inflicted. Disappear from their DMs, ghost their calls. Or try to outrun the situation by driving somewhere or locking yourself in a bathroom when a conflict escalates in your physical space. (And earn the label of ‘avoidant’, which can also be a form of victim-blaming, but is also a form of self-protection).

    In a family or work or romantic relationship flight is not always an immediate possibility. This could be due to financial reasons or because you are physically being prevented from walking out. And that is when you might freeze, fawn or eventually, fight.

    This is a survival response that is hardwired into your nervous system. It’s intended to protect you from physical harm, but it kicks in for psychological harm too as your blood pumps full of adrenalin. And before you know it, you find yourself cornered and start lashing out like a wild animal. This is called reactive abuse and you are probably going to feel awful about it the next day.

    And although you can’t help it, this is a very damaging response, and you need to know that it’s not your fault. You are not a monster, and you are not the abuser. You are only human, and your nervous system is trying to survive under intense emotional or physical threat.

    If your situationship remains unchanged, over time you might begin to develop CPTSD. This happens if the abuse is ongoing and you cannot get away.
    Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition resulting from prolonged or repeated trauma, like chronic abuse or neglect. Verbal and emotional abuse fill this category too.

    The problem with reactive abuse is that it’s very dangerous territory. It shifts you temporarily from victim mode into self-defence, and for a moment your partner will see YOU as the abuser. You might scratch, pull hair, lash out or shove this person in panic or an attempt to make them stop, or to get away from them.

    If you are fortunate, a surprise show of strength might result in your partner backing down, this time. But over time, or perhaps immediately your partner will become more enraged, placing you at a greater risk.

    If your reaction produces an even more extreme reaction in your partner, it will escalate the situation. And they might even use it against you, threaten to video your reaction, or shame you and justify their own behaviour. Perhaps even blackmail you to keep you under their control.

    What is important in these types of relationships is to have an exit plan and start implementing it.
    Tell somebody.
    Speak to somebody about an emergency place to sleep for future incidents.
    File a report.
    Get a restraining order.
    Get a job.
    Start saving.

    In the meantime, there are some other things that you can do to regulate your own nervous system.
    Start by understanding your pattern (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), this is the key to managing it. Recognise what is triggering you and take steps to avoid it where possible. Give some thought to how you can circumvent or de-escalate the situation from your side by recognising your partner’s triggers. Now, I’m not suggesting you walk on eggshells forever, just until you can make a nice toward safety or work out a better way to respond.

    Start practicing techniques that can carry you through this situation while you are working on your exit plan. Try mindfulness, grounding techniques, exercise, therapy, and self-care can help calm an overactive stress response. Positive visualisation and body talk.
    Ask for help and start taking positive steps to change your situation.
    You deserve a peaceful relationship or environment in which to grow and thrive.

    I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment.
    T/DR Candice Baker
    00013133614
    You can book a session with me on WhatsApp
    +0027833613255
    “Your most aligned life is crafted—element by element.”

  • What Does Gaslighting Actually Mean?

    Image by Chesney Gigg, Model Candice Baker

    WHAT DOES GASLIGHTING ACTUALLY MEAN?

    So many people are still confused about what gaslighting means, and I know it’s a weird term!

    I came across this great explanation yesterday and thought I would share some of it, together with my own thoughts.

    What is gaslighting, really?
    It’s when someone manipulates you into doubting your reality.
    It’s when they convince you that your pain is your fault.
    That what they did doesn’t matter.
    That your reaction is the real issue.

    So somebody will hurt you, push your buttons, torture you and then call you crazy when you react to this treatment. Denying their responsibility for what they said or did to you.

    It’s the proverbial, they get criss with you because you are criss with them, while completely bypassing the reason why you are criss with them. Mature, right?

    It can happen in the workplace, in your relationship, in therapy.

    They will be rude to you and then tell you that you’re too sensitive.
    You should smile through the verbal abuse.
    You should “not let it affect you.”
    They will shift the focus away from how they act, onto your reaction. It’s not their behaviour that’s the problem, it’s your trauma that was triggered But not by their behaviour, of course!

    An abuser or narcissist will tell you every horrible thing they did to you is your fault, that they’re just your mirror. But actually they are just toxic.

    As if they just innocently walked in the door and you started throwing the pots and pans around. They will deflect blame onto other things, like having a tough day at work entitles them to treat you badly, and you should just suck it up and be supportive.

    So next time somebody gaslights you, please don’t fall for it. Their behaviour has consequences too.
    Sometimes it’s them, and not you.

    Don’t turn these red flags into a red carpet.

    I am a life coach and relationship coach. WhatsApp bookings 0833613255

  • Are You The Prize Or The Prey?

    Image by Tanya Borchers, Model Candice Storm

    ARE YOU THE PRIZE OR THE PREY?

    A look into the Predator / Prey Relationship Dynamic.

    We’ve all grown up with the idea that men are programmed to be the hunter, that they thrive on the thrill of the chase, and that a high value woman will require an extended period of effort before she can be claimed as the prize. An easy target will be seen to have a lower worth, and a woman who is not readily available will be the one who is more worth his time and future effort.

    Our mothers might have told us that you should always keep a man on his toes, for example, otherwise he might lose interest if you don’t pique his hunting instinct. But what if there is a more sinister version buried underneath this dynamic, one where the hunter becomes the predator, and the prize becomes the prey?

    In psychology, the “predator-prey relationship” can be metaphorically applied to understand interactions between individuals, particularly in situations involving manipulation, power dynamics, and even trauma recovery.
    So when you want to be a cute little bunny, you may be unwittingly attracting a predator. It’s a great metaphor. Isn’t it interesting how a bunny is a prey animal, but also the symbol of sexuality in modern media? That it’s used in the skin trade to portray beautiful (often naked) women? Perhaps thanks to Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, we may have been given an inadvertent peek into the psyche of something deeper and more primal.

    Have you ever submitted in an argument, tried to withdraw or escape from it, only to discover this actually heightens the tension and anger of your partner?
    Now, In not saying that this is exclusively a male response to conflict, merely noting that men are already equipped with a strong hunting instinct. And this might engage a dynamic where one person (the “predator”) seeks to exploit or control another (the “prey”). Telling you you are a slut, policing what you wear, or emotional manipulations to control you are all red flags.

    The predator wants to gain advantage over you, and uses tactics like gaslighting (denying your feelings are valid), or exploiting your vulnerabilities. He/she will bring up something you told them in confidence, and use it as a weapon to shame you into behaving a certain way, such as backing down in an argument.

    You’re tired of arguing, and s/he won’t stop, but the more you stuff toilet paper in your ears to avoid hearing hurtful words, the more full of shit they become, no pun intended. This is because your submissiveness is activating their hunting instinct, and they feel powerful, perhaps even drunk on it. There is no empathy for your vulnerability, only an opportunity to twist the knife. A power play to ‘win’.

    Or he is calmly pushing your buttons, enjoying watching your reactions, toying with you like a game of cat and mouse? Manipulating you till you crack, till you lash out, till you become the bad person. (This is called reactive abuse)

    The ‘Prey’ in this scenario represents someone who is susceptible to these tactics, often due to emotional vulnerability, insecurity, or a lack of awareness about the manipulative behavior in play.
    This is you trying to avoid the escalating conflict, and him hiding your car keys (control). You trying to hide behind the bed so he can’t keep on arguing with you, and him searching the house until he finds you (victimisation). You threatening to call the security and him telling you they will have to shoot him (manipulation).
    You trying to sleep while he fights with you, pouring poison into your ear all night (emotional abuse).

    The fight and flight reflex is in full swing for both of you.

    In this type of relationship your partner might use physical, emotional, or verbal abuse to exert power over you.

    Predators are skilled manipulators who often exhibit characteristics such as a lack of empathy or charming behaviour to get what they desire. And that’s what I think we forget about abusers, they have this magnetic streak. Afterall, would you stay if it was all bad? There is a crossover with the narcissistic love bombing streak in here too. You’re addicted to the flowers, the compliments, the apologies, the dopamine. And he gets high on being the puppet master, the one pulling the strings and manipulating your behaviour.

    And while he is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities for his own personal supply, you might notice a complete lack of remorse in his dealings with you. He doesn’t get why you are still upset by his words or behaviour, when he has moved on already. This is a trait associated with sociopaths.

    And if you’re the the prey?
    You’re the one who is emotionally vulnerable, easily influenced by others’ emotions.
    You might have low self-esteem, easily melting when you receive a compliment. Overlooking bad behaviour in exchange for recieving love, or is it obsession?
    And if you have difficulty setting boundaries, then this is you too, struggling to say “no” or assert your own needs while you are being trampled on.

    It’s important to recognise these patterns in a relationship, and seek intervention if they are severe.
    Recognizing the signs of a predator-prey dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself from manipulation and abuse.
    Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can help you develop the skills and strategies needed to navigate these situations.

    And when you enter a trauma recovery program or counseling, you will realise you have been “preyed upon.”
    And here is where the positive side of predatory behaviour comes in. Your recovery process can involve developing a “predator mindset” to regain control of your life and sovereignty of yourself.
    This doesn’t mean becoming a literal predator, but rather developing the characteristics of strength and resilience to overcome the effects of trauma.
    A return to balance, a healing of your fractured psyche and twisted heart.
    So if you find yourself hiding behind the furniture or trying to get him off your car bonnet while making your escape, it might be time to speak out and ask for help.

    I am a holistic Life Coach and Wellness Coach. You can get in touch with me for an appointment.

    Whatsapp 0833613255