Does this picture mean I’m a dominatrix? Or a model? Or a paid performer? Or a slut? A free spirit?
In truth I’m a mother, a life coach, a wife, a writer, a model, an aerialist, a performer, a fire dancer, a yogi. If you zero in on one photo, and the idea it gives you, you’re going to miss out on a lot. Your thoughts are not equal to reality. In fact, making snap judgements is probably going to make you look a little idiotic.
There is so much judgement out there. And people love to fan the flames.
My invitation to you is this: do not judge others just because you don’t understand them. They are on their own journey, as are you. And your perception is coloured by your own truth, history and bias. It’s easy to misunderstand others from your tiny corner of the earth.
Leave each to their own, peeps. Stay in your lane. You have choices, where you go, who you follow. Find your tribe. Keep scrolling. Be curious. Open a dialogue. Avoid your triggers. Work on yourself. Or just keep walking.
Each of you will have a different idea based on your own filter, but your truth is not the ultimate truth. Neither are your emotions.
Namaste bitches ❤️
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
You’ve all seen her, or perhaps been her. The woman in the red dress, full red lips, hot red heels.
It’s so strange how colour can be associated with implied behaviour. Or a certain style of clothing. And that is because as human beings we take mental short cuts. It’s too much trouble to relate to every woman on an individual level, so our brains take a mental short cut and stereotype people. So the woman dressed in red becomes the Scarlet Woman. The easy woman, the prostitute. Or the one dressed in leather, or the one in that mini skirt. The man in the pink shirt must be gay. You know what I mean.
But here’s the truth. Certainly some women are wearing that red dress (or whatever) for attention. But many are not. Some are wearing it because it feels good to wear it. Because red is their colour, or because she feels the lines flatter her body. For many woman, dressing in red (or leather, or whatever) is not about you at all. It’s not about men at all. It’s about her reclaiming the right to feel good, or wild, or sassy in her own body. It does not make her available. Or if she’s married, it does not mean she is looking for somebody better. It means she is looking to better herself. (Or if she is married and looking for somebody better, caging her won’t change that)
There are many reasons a woman might dress in an alluring manner. And most of them have little to do with anybody else.
*She might be recaliming her sensuality. There are many times in a woman’s life where she might have lost herself along the way. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Your infidelity. Phases where she has not had the time or energy to take care of herself. And phases where she has felt an awakening of herself before all the responsibility robbed her of her time or will to feel beautiful.
* She might have let herself go physically. Bodies come and go, there are periods of self- indulgence, or emotional eating followed by periods of getting her shit together at the gym. And the feeling of accomplishment deserves a celebration.
*Mentally, periods of grief or loss might shift her focus away from her own health for a time. Depression can really suck everything beautiful out of your life, including your self esteem. And to rise from that and wear something that makes flher feel beautiful is to reclaim her true essence before the trauma ripped it to pieces.
*Emotionally, she might have been struggling to get out of bed for so long that she forget how to put on her lipstick. Where the tears made her give up on wearing mascara. Times when she forgot how doing her hair and wearing something sassy could be good for her soul.
*Perhaps she had a partner who tried to keep her small, who told her to fly under the radar or risk being left alone. A toxic relationship or an abusive marriage. And perhaps she began to see that a partner who tries to keep her small does not really have her best interests at heart. Only his own.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is searching for something outside of her marriage. Perhaps she is reconnecting with something inside of herself that she lost along the way. Perhaps she decided to ‘fake it till she makes it’ back to her former self. The one with confidence and a twinkle in her eye.
A woman in a red dress (or whatever) does not mean she is ‘searching’ or ‘selling’. She is a woman who is embodying her inner goddess. One who is expressing herself without fear. One who is growing, rising within her own potential. And this has nothing to do with you, your husband, or even her own partner if she has one. Most of the time, it has everything to do with her rebirth.
And if it is your partner in scarlet, give her the support she needs to grow and shine. As this is also a reflection of your love and light. Nobody wants to live in a cage. Everybody has the need to find their way back to themselves. To express themselves. Nobody does well in captivity. Your partner is far more likely to run away if you continue to cage her, than if you accept that all people deserve to be free. As a man, providing a safe space for her to grow in her power and personal expression is an embodiment of your divine masculine.
There can be a lot of fear caused by underlying insecurity, which will surface when a woman starts looking after herself, and wearing that sexy dress. That is your projection of your own insecurities onto her, and not a prediction of her behaviour. Policing her wardrobe is not what will keep her faithful to you, and allowing her freedom in what she wears will not be the cause of her running off with somebody new. And if she does, it has nothing to do with her outfits and everything to do with the state of your relationship. Likewise, slut shaming a sexy lady is not going to stop your husband from lusting after her. Only he can do that. Women don’t need another cage. And if that baggy T-shirt is the only thing holding your relationship together, there are bigger problems to solve than what is in her draw.
A man who understands she is not running away from him, but running towards herself, is a man who understands how to attract his mate, rather than trap her. And in this freedom of choice that you provide lies the power. For everyone. Let her choose you. And in turn, she allows you to choose her, in true freedom.
There is no other way.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Talk of celibacy can bring up a lot of touchy emotions, unless the topic is about nuns.
And here’s the thing about sex…the way we think about it is changing. First women were told it’s dirty, something to be endured in order to make children.(1920’s) Then women were told they might as well enjoy it, as they’re going to have to do it for the rest of their lives. (1940’s) Then there was the free love era of the 1970’s, which must’ve felt very empowering at the time. But now? Celibacy can be a choice too. Whether you are single or repairing damage within a marriage. Yet somehow it’s being treated like some sort of mortal sin. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I spoke to a woman a while ago about her marriage. The suspicious texts and late nights at the office. The neglect she felt and the strings of affairs her husband had been having. And yet…mind-blowingly…she was still having sex with him. Offering her body up as a prayer, while disconnecting her heart from her womb. Allowing his betrayal to still enter her body in the most physical way, not just her heart and her mind. And it seemed impossible to me that women are expected to have sex with their partners within a marriage. No matter what. Now I know that the religious texts will come at this from the perspective that her body belongs to her husband. And his body belongs to his wife. And that he is expected to nurture and cherish her so she doesn’t need to worry about giving herself to him unconditionally. But is this ‘unconditional’ arrangement realistic in a world of scrolling and swiping right?
Is this unconditional access not damaging to the feminine psyche when the conditions are less than ideal?
Infidelity. Pregnancy. Illness. Post Partum. Grief. Conflict.
Have women been brainwashed to seek value by making their bodies available to men? Husbands or otherwise? This thought hits pretty close to home for many. It starts with women being treated as ornaments, and ends with them being treated as concubines. Are women only valued as a spouse or partner if they are sexually compliant and accessible? What about everything else she brings to the relationship?
For centuries a woman’s worth has been measured by her desirability. And men’s by how many cattle they own. But these old thought paradigms are losing relevance in a world where a woman can earn her own income and a man can be a stay at home dad.
The feminine is now feeling burnt out due to overfuctioning— emotionally, sexually, energetically, and she is beginning to re-draw her boundaries. If she doesn’t feel loved, appreciated, held…she might not feel pressurised to submit to the sexual demands of her partner anymore.
And this is a good thing…She re-groups, shines up her energy field, focuses inward for a while. And emerges the enchantress, attracting her man to her when things are good between them. Instead of submitting begrudgingly. Using HER powers of seduction, allowing him to feel chosen. Worthy. And he knows that he can reach her through love and a new found appreciation, That he can entice her with his charm, love and emotional safety. Both receiving the best of each other. Her glow and desire a yardstick to measure his success by as a partner.
I’m not talking about a knee jerk reaction. I’m talking about conscious celibacy, where she keeps her freedom and sovereignty, she knows her worth and won’t stand for rejection or cheap seduction. She will love you out of devotion instead of guilt. She will feel secure in his love for her without needing to perform, but only if he is willing to evolve.
A woman calling back her creative energy is not a rejection. It’s an invitation. To rise together. To build something better. To co-create.
How would she make love to you if she chose you freely, and felt centred in her own desire rather than coerced to submit to yours?
Celibacy is calling for sacred union, emotional safety and devotion by both parties. A step back to a time where your partnership was based on something more than robotic intercourse. And men are starting to say no too, so this can work both ways. Celibacy can be an invitation for personal growth, a call to redirect both your energies, or it can be seen as a punishment. And that depends on the perspective you choose.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Let’s talk about being single… Recently a man responded to one of my posts , saying ‘no wonder you are single’, meant as an insult and a judgement. But sometimes your relationship is just cortisol wrapped in cologne, honey.
Here are my thoughts:
There is this idea that a woman only has value of she has been chosen by a man. That a single woman is somehow defective. That the only way a woman can command respect or stature in society is by being somebody’s wife. That a woman needs the back-up of a man in order to be heard, or be successful. But these are outdated patriarchal ideas that have become part of the fabric of our collective unconscious. And they are not correct.
I do believe that we are wired to want connection. That human beings love the idea of being chosen. That we crave intimacy and physical touch, perhaps a over all else. We are social beings and biologically driven to search for sex. But sex is not intimacy. And when we start to discern this, we can re-imagine this biological blueprint.
In this era, in this country a woman can earn her own money, drive her own car, and buy her own home. So why are we still clinging to the idea that we need to be in a romantic relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love a romantic relationship as much as the next person, but the truth is that many of us are clinging to liaisons way beyond their sell by date. Habit? Convenience? Perhaps. But also because we have come to believe that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single.
However, if you have ever been single for a period of time, you might have discovered that being single is a powerful and self-affirming choice. Being single is a state of unapologetic independence. It’s the choice of self reliance, of friendship over romantic love. And let’s face it, romantic love isn’t always so romantic. Being single is choosing peace over conflict. Choosing happiness over mediocrity or hurt. It’s being happy with your own company, comfortable in your own space. To travel solo and meet new people outside of your comfort zone. Being single is choosing freedom, embracing our wildness and being open to new possibilities. Being single is a conscious choice to wait for the right time or right person. To not settle, or stay stuck.
Most importantly, being single is choosing yourself, and this is not selfish. Calling back your energy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. By doing this you are investing in yourself. Making time for your own projects and passions instead of investing in somebody else’s.
Some of the most productive times in my life have been when I was single. Even when I chose to sit with my unhappiness… writing, journeying, contemplating. Choosing to sit with my trauma until I understood it and could set it free, without the band aid of throwing myself into another relationship..Trying to fix or help a partner rather than myself. This is where personal growth begins. This is the most important journey of your life time, the journey into self.
I am not single but I am very happy when I am. This image is of me being single at Feel Festival in 2019, feeling ALL of the feels. ❤️
If you struggle with being single, or are needing to remove yourself from a toxic relationship, let’s talk. Book a life coaching session with me online or in perso .
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Today seems like a good day to talk about sex. We all crave the excitement and the passion, but sometimes wonder why the main event seems to be a little disappointing, not quite what we imagined, a failure to launch or a half way fizzle.
This is because the best sex of your life doesn’t come from a one night stand, or from a quickie. Sure that can be exciting or passionate, but the truth is that truly mind blowing sex comes from connection. It comes from the biggest sex organ in your body. And that is not in your pants, boys…it’s your brain. Great sex starts with building intimacy. How you set off for work in the morning. It could be a note with your sandwiches, or coffee in bed or a lingering goodbye kiss. Building the mood when you call each other to see how the day is going. Small things that stimulate the love hormone.
It’s about how you greet each other after work, shared time in the kitchen or holding hands on the couch, eating dinner and talking about your day. A slow sensual burn as you tickle his arm or he touches your spine. Creating intimacy and anticipation.
And if you get to the main event before passing out in front of the TV, try spending some more time on each other’s bodies. Devote yourself to touching and kissing. He is not a sex machine, ladies. He cannot perform on demand. And she is not a cum sock, or a substitute for your hand, guys. Take time to relax deeply and let go of the stresses of your day, so that your mind can settle into your partner. That last difficult client, the one living rent free in your head, is going to wreck your hard on unless you let that shit go. That arguement you had with her over the dishes is going to dry her up faster than high noon in Morocco, so if that’s the energy you brought in, it’s probably not going to happen.
And yes, our bodies change over time, as do our relationships. Contrary to popular belief, your penis is not powered by your ego. It is powered by blood circulation, though. Something that declines over 40, and let’s face it…all those cigarettes didn’t help either. So next time there is a failure to launch, get over your ego. Be prepared with a solution that does not involve blaming your partner. Telling her she is too slippery, or not wet enough, or didn’t juggle the right way at the right time is just being cowardly. Try looking in her eyes for once, and telling her she is beautiful instead of turning on the porn. Make a Viagra appointment with your doctor, test your testosterone levels or ask your local Paki for a pack of Kamagra next time you stop to buy smokes. Do it before she leaves you because you made her feel unattractive. Do it before you give her jaw cramp or permanent carpal tunnel. (You can thank me later)
Or if you are not fit enough, or your little friend starts sagging half way through, take a break or change your position. Crushing her with your body weight is not sexy, but switching angles definitely is. There is no shame in taking a pit stop, and it’s a great way to keep things interesting too, so climb out of your ego and use this as an opportunity. For a woman, a short break can feel like 2 sessions, which can be a real winner. Just don’t make half time all about you.
Her body is changing too. This pit stop is not just about you tuning up your engine, she will need to replace the natural lube that you just withdrew from her body, too. So don’t be a dick and desperately jump on board the moment she coaxed some life back into you. It’s a two way street and she also needs some more play. Or reach for the KY Jelly if need be. She might need both. Dry sex and desperately thrusting to the finish line might give you the friction you needed to wake the dead, but it’s not fun for her. It’s painful, annoying and nothing will chase her orgasm away faster.
So if you want to keep each other wanting more, stop playing the blame game, be kind and know that it’s mostly not about you if your partner is struggling. Take responsibility for your own mindset and physical challenges, slow it down, be considerate. And if you’re not prepared to touch her like the goddess she is, then you don’t deserve to be inside her temple.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
We’ve all heard about the witch trials, and I often might make a careless comment about being burned at the stake in a previous lifetime. This is because I am a strong and independent woman, a leader in the field of women empowerment, and quite unapologetically myself. And it was women such as this who were villainized, punished and let’s be blunt…murdered by the patriarchy.
Shocking, isn’t it?
But fast forward to 2025, and have things really changed? Or have these sentiments just gone underground?
It has been called the Witch Wound by some, and patriarchy certainly has a lot to make up for. Their legacy has become a sinister part of the unconscious masculine. An operating system that undermines women in a more covert manner, but threatens them all the same.
So far in this lifetime I have been threatened thrice by fire;
The first time it was a man who was living on my property and helping with some building work. He went on to steal my welding machine, my friends welding machine, and we later discovered he stole one from his previous employer as well. So naturally, when I couldn’t recover my welder I told him to leave and changed the locks. And he sent a message to us saying that he hopes I do not like my thatch roof, as it is very flammable. And that he had told his friends about me and how they were very angry. Also, he remarked that he loved me and that we could have been so good together. I sent him a copy of the police report and that was the last I heard of him.
Then there was the unstable boyfriend. I asked him to leave and he threatened to burn my house down. At what point does mental instability become malice? When does insecurity become criminal? When does I didn’t mean it become inexcusable?
And then there was the the great psychotic break, where he threatened to set me on fire. Flicking the lighter in front of my face while I refused to engage in the madness. Now I am no victim, and enough is enough, so I pulled him off me by his hair and held his face to the floor till he dropped the lighter. But that moment was truly scarring for me. The post traumatic stress felt debilitating at times, but it only made me more determined to be free to be me.
The witch wound is a concept referring to the collective, intergenerational trauma passed down from the historical persecution of those accused of witchcraft, particularly during the “Burning Times”. It manifests as a deep-seated fear of expressing one’s authentic self, power, or intuition, leading to issues like self-doubt, silencing one’s voice, and fear of judgment. This inherited trauma can also contribute to the competitiveness among women and a fear of being “too much”.
So how do we heal the witch wound as women? Recognize the source: Your fear and self doubts are not your own to carry, sister. They are not personal failings, but rather echoes of historical trauma. Reclaim your voice: Consciously choose to speak your truth and express your beliefs, even when it’s difficult. Embrace your power: Allow yourself to be seen and to trust your own inner wisdom and intuition. Break the cycle: Heal the wound within yourself to avoid passing the same fears and insecurities on to future generations.
And as for healing the polar expression of this as a man? Ask yourself why do men feel entitled to control women? Why do you feel your actions are justified just because she doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Ask yourself if your mother or sister would deserve to date a man just like you? Ponder why are you so threatened by a strong feminine archetype? Look at how you can heal your past trauma so that you don’t project it onto the women around you. Afterall, it’s always been the men wielding the torches.
All over the world women are burned, maimed and murdered while society looks the other way. Women are second class citizens and more at risk of violence from their own partners or admirerers than from complete strangers.
So perhaps I am lucky to be alive, perhaps I wouldn’t have recieved these threats if I had learned to play small, but that is not the life I wish to live. And if being threatened by burning is the price I have to pay for my sovereignty, then why bother, boys? I set myself on fire most weekends anyway.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
We called it drumming, healing, celebrating and creating ❤️
Drumming has many medicinal qualities, just not for the neighbours, apparently 🤣
It releases dopamine, one of the happy hormones in your body. It’s a better anti-depressant than anything you can buy over the counter. It synchronises heartbeats and minds, creates a sense of community. The drumming and dance is a creative process and good for the soul. It releases endorphins, another happy hormone. Creating music and dance stimulates the body and mind. Earthing with your feet absorbs the energies of the Earth and has many health benefits. And finally, both drumming and dance can lead to ecstatic states that transcend the human condition ❤️
It’s what your neighbours used to do before they became couch potatoes. It’s what your tribe did before the warehouses and factories sucked them into the industrial revolution. It’s a reclamation of our ancestral roots.
I am a holistic life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
Once on the fringe of modern marriage, the tradition of Handfasting is starting to make a comeback as an alternative to traditional wedding ceremonies.
Handfasting is an ancient ritual from Celtic and Norse traditions, where the hands of the bride and groom were symbolically bound together in wedlock. A promise that lasted for a year and a day, with the option to renew or runl! Many people are unaware that our expression of ‘tying the knot’ comes from this pagan tradition. When a child was born the marriage would become permanent, providing more security for the woman and child.
While the core ritual of binding the hands remains, today’s ceremonies can include personal touches like using different colored ribbons to represent specific qualities or weaving cords from three strands to symbolize strength and unity.
In modern times, it is a welcome invitation to renew your vows every year. An invitation to put your best forward, or stay on your toes as the future is not promised. It never is, of course, but there is something to be said for having a deadline to work to, something that brings out the best in most of us! Also, a welcome opportunity to sit down and speak about the status of your relationship, where you are succeeding and what needs to be worked on. Something I believe most marriages lack, good communication, accountability and forward planning.
Many marriages go through cycles, or eras, where a different style might be required, as we shift from lovers to parents and then back to lovers (hopefully). So an annual relational summit seems like the ideal way to renegotiate the terms of an agreement that is subject to much change as we journey through life.
A more modern ceremonial alternative is the hand binding, where friends and relatives write wishes for the couple on ribbons. And each ribbon is read out during the ceremony as it is wrapped around the hands of the betrothed couple. A beautiful way to include everyone in the ceremony of tying the knot.
I was asked by my own daughter to perform a hand fasting ceremony for her wedding, and I’m so in love with the concept that I am offering my services for other couples desiring this style of wedding.
Handfasting is not legally recognized as a marriage in South Africa, as the law requires a civil or customary marriage to be performed by a marriage officer. However, couples can incorporate handfasting as a symbolic ceremony and have their marriage legally finalized by a marriage officer, which can be done before or after the handfasting ritual. You can get in touch with me for for information. WhatsApp 0833613255
Images by XO Photography Venue The Bohemian Guesthouse
Why do I teach pole, burlesque, the sensual arts? I don’t usually post pole dance on my life coaching page, but here is why;
It makes you strong, oh yes. But more importantly it creates a sisterhood. A safe space of non-judgement amongst women, which can be truly rare. A space of non-judgement towards yourself, even more rare.
That pole can be the most beautiful partner. One who is always there to dance with you. Holding you up, teaching you to appreciate your curves. Because pole dance or burlesque is not about men. We aren’t waiting for men to define beauty, we are defining it together, for ourselves.
It’s about women reclaiming their bodies, realising their fat rolls or stretch marks are testament to a unique life in perpetual motion, and part of the whole woman. Still sexy. Still beautiful. The story behind a life well lived. The story behind grief, despair, triumph, reclamation. Sovereignty.
You don’t have to be 20 and slim to love your body (but if you’re there I hope you do). You just need to let yourself feel the motion of your hips, lose yourself in the swing of the music, close your eyes and appreciate the jiggle. Say yes to yourself, to your body, to your sensuality.
Dancing in ecstacy has no age limit, no waist size, It’s an invitation to let yourself go. To look inwards and feel your womb, feel your power, feel your vulnerability. Feel it all. . The shift you need isn’t about toning your body. It’s about learning how to express ecstasy and love in the body that you showed up in today. The body that carried your children or survived your last relationship disaster. Her. She.
It’s about choosing you, seeing you, embracing the hot mess and finding beauty in the chaos of your imperfect perfection. It’s about embracing you.
I am a life coach and wellness coach, with a special interest in relationships and woman empowerment. T/DR Candice Baker 00013133614 You can book a session with me on WhatsApp +0027833613255
I don’t often do personal posts, but here we are! What’s your love language? Have you ever felt that the things you do for your partner are unappreciated? No matter how much effort you put into them? That’s because we all wish to be loved in different ways! But it goes deeper than that, we simply don’t recognise certain things as acts of love, because of how we are wired.
For example, my love language is ‘quality time’, I don’t like it if you whip out your phone at dinner. Undivided attention from my partner has the biggest impact for me and makes me feel loved. Whereas acts or service have a lesser impact on my heart, as much as I do appreciate you mowing the lawn.
That’s not to say we don’t appreciate all the love languages on some level, but cooking a 4 hour meal might not translate to love for everyone.
Have you ever thought about how you WANT to be loved?
How you NEED to be loved.
How you FEEL loved.
Have you ever spoken with your partner about this, and found out what love language makes them feel the most loved?
What that looks like for both of you? Why you need that? What it feels like for each of you?
I discovered that my partner feels the most loved, when I compliment him.
Like telling him he is the best boyfriend in the world, saying ‘hey handsome’ when I see him, and expressing to him my appreciation for what he is good at.
I learned that his love language is words of affirmation.
He doesn’t really feel loved if I spend 4 hours in the kitchen, even though we both appreciate good food. He wants to be seen.
My partner has learned that I view love as quality time. I feel the most loved when we spend time together. Good times, interesting conversation, sexy time.
For example, when we go out to dinner and his attentions are solely on me. Or when he puts on a mer tail and swims with me.
Knowing each other’s love languages will help you to love each other in ways that you both feel loved and appreciated.
Because loving someone the way you want to be loved, doesn’t always work.
My partner and I view, and feel love so differently. But you know what? This is normal for couples, and you can spend the rest of your life learning how to love each other better.
If you want more information on Love Languages and how to improve your relationship, book a coaching session with me. I’m available online or in Bedfordview and Benoni.
WhatsApp 0833613255 Candice Baker-The Mermaid Life Coach
